I have been watching a little boy in my home since October 2007. When I was first interviewing parents to decide which child to accept (at that time, I only had my two girls - ages 1 & 4) - I met this woman and I really liked her! She was just like me in regards to parenting, even interests - I thought it was the perfect fit. She told me at the time that her baby was born premature and had spent 6 weeks in NICU. He was 3 months old, but his adjusted age was 6 weeks. I didn't understand at the time what kind of impact this would have on his care as I had no experience with preemies. Anyway, through the last several months, I have found it increasingly frustrating because (changing his name for privacy) Nicholaus is not thriving physically or developmentally. He can't even pick his head up very far when on his stomach and he is 7 months and 1 week old. Adjusted age is 5 1/2 months, so this is very frustrating to me. On top of that, he screams all the time - he doesn't like any noises and I have two toddlers. I hate having to make them whisper all day long, I don't believe it's right to do that to my girls. All day long with Nicholaus, my stomach is in a knot. Every day, I think it will get better - he will be improved today, he'll be stronger, he'll be happier. But it doesn't happen. Last month, my girls and I were sick. So we didn't see him much during that month. His first day back with us has been today and I was so hopeful that a month had made a lot of progress for him - but he hasn't made any changes since I saw him last almost 4 weeks ago. I know this situation is something that I can't handle anymore and I feel terrible. Because Nicholaus and his mother are so wonderful and I care for them so much. If I had met his mom under any other circumstance - we probably could have been best friends. But, he's unhappy and my girls are unhappy and having to tip-toe around and I am constantly tense and trying to cheer him up. He's not where I thought he would be at this age... he's not a happy, rolly poly baby that plays and giggles - he's the size of a 10 week old and has the same developmental stages as a 12 week old. In fact, his parents are starting him on physical therapy next week due to his Pediatrician's orders.
What do I do? How do I tell her without upsetting her and her family? I like her and Nicholaus so much and I don't want to make her or her baby feel rejected. I'm just a wreck over this.
Help me if you can.
Thank you.
Thank you! :D
Tell her you just love her son so much, and with the growing demands on your family, you don't feel qualified enough to give him everything he needs.
She would appreciate an honest and caring response, and hopefully you can still be friends.
I had to stop watching a lady's child b/c o similar type reasons, and we still see each other to this day.
I probably wouldn't be as detailed about telling her he screams all the time and that everyone is unhappy, as the one response suggested. I would instead agree with those writing in who say to let her know gently that you feel you can't provide him with what he needs. Rather than pointing out every reason why you don't want to b/c of your own situation, let her know why it's best for him. Hopefully she'll appreciate that you also have his best interest in mind. good luck.
Try explaining that you love the baby and feel he would do so much better in a home where he can have undivided attention. I think its better to speak up now that way you can give her time to find a good caregiver before your at your wits end. This does not make you a bad person and your not being unreasonable.
I would deliver the message in terms of what you think would be best for the baby. I would tell the mother that it does not appear that he is thriving in your home, and you are concerned that you are not qualified enough to care for him and that he would be better off with someone who specializes in early infant development. You may even want to line up some recommendations to give to her before you sit down to discuss this with her. That way, you aren't just presenting her with a problem, but also helping her with solutions. Take the focus away from the trouble it causes you (and your little girls) and emphasize the fact that you only want what is best for the baby.
The reward for this approach is that you may avoid being mis-perceived as selfish. The risk to this approach is that, faced with the daunting task of finding and paying for more specialized care, the mother may intentionally miss the cue and insist that she believes he is doing fine in your care at which point you'd need to be more firm.
Good luck! This is definitely a tough situation, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
Just try telling her the truth, just what you wrote here. I am sure she is cognicent of his needs and level of care. She will understand. She might not like it but she should understnad. Just tell her that with the level of care he needs, you are unable to give your girls the time they need and you feel they need to come first, which is true. Good luck and I know it is not easy - for either of you.
You seem like you care for this family a lot and you want very much not to hurt them. It also is apparent you know your limitations and think it's best for everyone involved to find someone else to care for Nicholas at this point. In this situation, I personally would probably just approach it along the lines of your home not being the right environment for her child. I would say something like "I am so sorry to have to tell you this because I love Nicholas and I care about you and your family very much, but he is so unhappy here. He needs to be with someone who can control his environment a little better than I can. I have young children and I can't ask them to be quiet 100% of the day and when they make any kind of noise, it upsets Nicholas so much. He screams all the time and he is just so terribly unhappy here. He's far more difficult to care for than I'm equipped to handle because of his size and his physical and emotional capabilities. I just know it would be better for him if you could find another caregiver that can be a lot more attentive to his needs and has the ability to take care of a baby with special limitations. I'm terribly sorry to have to do this, but it really is the very best thing we can do for Nicholas. I will be happy to take care of him for the next 2 weeks [month, whatever time frame you want to put here] while you find another caregiver for him. It breaks my heart to have to do this, but I just don't have the right skill set nor the right atmosphere to help Nicholas thrive and that really is the most important thing for him right now. I hope you can understand. I know we both want what's best for him and for both of our families.", obviously said in a very sympathetic tone. I think approaching it this way makes it seem less like your rejecting him and more like your concerned about his long-term well-being and you want him to thrive as much as his family does. I don't know if this is the best way to approach it, but that's probably what I would do. Good luck!
Tell her flat out that you have no experience with preemies and his care requires more then you feel comfortable continuing. Let her know that he needs more care then you can give. Period. Anyone with a preemie knows that there are more challenges then with full term babies. It is simply how it goes. It is in neither your nor her babies best interest that he remain in this situation. Be firm but honest. The sooner the better for both of you. Also you might refer her baby to Early Intervention. They evaluate and help parents find the right situations for babies with delays and special needs. Best wishes for you both.
Dear E.:
You could tell her that you are worried about the risk of being in charge of a baby that is not quite where it should be. If anything happened while you had him (even if it was only related to his being premature), you would feel guilty and might even be liable. THEN you could tell her that he screams a lot and does not feel comfortable. If you make it sound like the baby is not fit for your care, you can remain friends with the mother and come across as responsible rather than frustrated.
Regards,
W.
Hi E.--Wow, you do have a tough situation--but when you said you have to try to keep your young girls quiet in their own home, that is reason enough to stop watching this child. It is going to be hard, but you have to think about your family first--the mom of this little boy would if the tables were turned. Just tell her exactly how you feel and maybe even tell her you would like to continue to be friends and have playgroups when he gets older and stronger. SHe really could turn out to be a good friend to you. This doesn't have to be a negative situation for anyone. Just be honest and as kind as possible--which you sound like you have a HUGE heart. Good Luck!
I have been in that same situation. The baby I had screamed all day. She was a sick little girl. Always sick. I would call the Mom all the time. The baby would end up in the ER with croup, fever. Then she had some major issues, she even had pneumonia. My 4 yr. old and 2 yr. old were not happy. I loved the baby girl and her momma. I had to sit the Mom down and tell talk to her. I tried as long as I could to avoid doing it. The Mom was upset. (she was a good friends sister) She finally got over it and I told her it was nothing personal. That my children were unhappy. It really throws off the balance in the house when you have a baby crying all day. She wanted to be held all day. If I put her down to make lunch she would scream! Turn red, like a rash! I would try to hold her and finish what I was doing. She was behind her age too. I could not put any toys out for her she wanted nothing to do with them at all. If my 2 yr. old would come near me she would scream. It was sad. Good Luck!
It is so hard to tell anyone difficult news. There probably is no way to tell her without her being at some level upset -- but there are things that you can do in order to make it more palateable, and better for your friendship in the long run.
I think the two words that will help you are: honesty and consideration. Be honest about the situation, while remaining considerate to her needs for support and help. I would suggest that when you tell her, talk about the difference between what he needs in order to thrive (a quiet focused environment) and what you can provide (active, highly-stimulating environment with two older children). You can say, "I think he needs to be somewhere else," rather than starting from the point that you need him to be somewhere else.
Also, I think you will help both of you if you give her a timeframe: "I will watch him for one month/two more weeks while you find something else for him."
It may be hard. She may be mad at you. But if she really is someone you could be best friends with -- then she should understand that you still want to support her -- but not in this way.
Good luck.
I think you should put you and your family's needs first. Nicholaus is obviously a special needs baby who needs extra attention and care. I'm sure you are going to feel really bad talking to his mom about this, but stay strong and assure her that this is in the best interest of her baby so he can get the care he really deserves. You sound like a very compassionate person and I am sure his mother will be okay and maybe you can start a friendship with her later on or help her out just every once in awhile if that makes you feel better. Good Luck!
I believe I would address the parents by telling them his needs will be more since he is now doing physical therapy. He needs special care!!! Unforunate I cant provide that since I have other siblings at home and it will be to much to handle. Tell them you can be a back up if anything arises like sick babysister and things like that. Tell them you love him so much and his care is your first interest they will understand and feel as if they can count on you for emergencies.
