Dealing with My Mother's Terrible Attitude

You can't. Remove the child from her care on those days, she'll have to learn to deal with it and face the consequences of acting like a baby.

Then don't have her care for your child.
She is obviously stressed by it and does not like it.

My Dad had a stroke. It debilitated him. He also had to have physical therapy. Then he could not do anything like he used to. Which then required care-giving for him. EVERYDAY. Me, my mom and my Husband ALL helped.
It is hard.
Care-giving for an ill person/husband/parent... is VERY hard.

Your Mom, is very selfish.
You know that.

Just stop, having her babysit.
Then she will not be complaining and making everyone, miserable.
AND she just does NOT seem like a nurturing person, for your baby.
Her 'quality of care' is very, negative. Your baby does not need that.
She does NOT want to, or have to 'entertain a baby.'
That is your answer.

I personally, would NOT want a "resentful" Grandparent or resentful anyone, watching my child.

all the best,
Susan

Just a short response from me..the first thing I thought when I read this is..if she is this crappy regularly how is she while she has your daughter? If she was not your mother would you want her watching your child? It will be difficult for your daughter to bounce back and forth from one loving caring gm to one grouchy put out gm. Between her attitude and the fact you FIL is sick it is probably time to end the dream and put your daughter in regular daycare. YOU do have to tell your mom not your husband. He is supposed to come first now...not her. Good luck!

You're right. Your mom is being insensitive to the entire situation. Who knows? (God forbid) someday the tables may turn.

If I were you I would book the daycare service for the # of days MIL has her and just keep your mom on her "normal" schedule.

If your mom is anything like mine, you can save your breath...it will only make it worse.

Hopefully, your FIL will have a full recovery and once again, they will be caring for your little O.!

If it were me I would just take my daughter to drop in if it's not your mother's day to watch her - or make other childcare arrangements as you see fit . Don't ask, just do it.

I think that complaining tends to be a problem more than the problems a person is complaining about themselves. Sometimes the very thing we love the most can also be the most taxing at some point. I LOVE my grandson. But he gets on my nerves. I respect my daughter and the patience she has for her son. But sometimes he pushes himself with her until she needs to just walk away.

As a daycare provider, I have these same feelings towards my children. I wish I could say I was like Mary Poppins and that I have an unlimited amount of patience. But I'm human. Daycare providers choose to talk about these feelings with other providers so that we can lift each other up and remind each other of all the wonderful reasons we do what we do.

You are your mothers child. She obviously feels comfortable with you to share her struggles. But the real problem is that she has developed a habit of complaining over a lifetime. I can relate with her because I have enough of a problem with complaining that I can't imagine going a whole day without complaining.

There is a website dedicated to a 40 day spiritual journey where the people promise not to complain for 40 days. Even one complaint over anything, any size, any subject starts the 40 days over. I have never completed that journey and got so frustrated when I tried.

Recently I started listening to a lot of downloaded messages on mp3 players. I have been listening to some great preachers and I am seeing the error of my ways. But sometimes things slip out before I can stop it. At this point I am just praying about it and moving on. I believe now that it is possible to live a life of no complaining.

I'm not sure how to get all this across to your mother. It's really a heart problem and she needs to want to change or it won't work. Even then, it will take TIME and motivation and work.

It's AWESOME that your mother-in-law has the kinder, gentler personality. Are you CERTAIN that she would feel comfortable to discuss frustrations with you? She may be afraid that you would go after her the way that so many daughter-in-laws do.

I would make other arrangements if it doesn't include daycare. My mother is the same way (seems endemic to baby boomers...). Children pick up pretty quickly when they're not wanted and when they are resented, and at such an early age, that will be especially damaging to development. If you are able, I would make other arrangements for care immediately. The conversation with your mom would ideally be graceful and honest while concealing enough to avoid aggravating her immaturity.

I would avoid daycare if at all possible, however. We've done daycare so I have extensive experience with the reality of it. A baby in the care of a resentful, grouchy caregiver is better than daycare every day of the week, esp if caregiver is Grandma. However, given that the level of unhealthy environment is second only to daycare, I would take care to find another provider through church resources, other parents, or by calling the local health dept for a list of licensed at-home care providers.

Good luck!

I would just make other arrangements. It sounds like your mother is over loaded. It would be better to have your child at her house less frequently but have it be fun, then to have her there 5 days per week and have it be a nuisance. She cannot be very pleasant to your daughter if she feels overburdened. My mom (87 and a continent away - boohoo) constantly tells me that we kids do not realize she really is getting older - she is still active both physically and mentally, but she gets sooooo tired so fast. An older mom needs naps herself and even though she may not want to admit it, the care of your daughter sounds like it is getting to be too much. Let her enjoy her grandchild in small spurts and both will be happier.

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Sounds like honesty is going to be your best policy. You have to address the issue or it will snow ball with resentment. Maybe take her out on a lunch date and speak to her about how things are going. Make sure to share your appreciation for what she has done.

Maybe before you talk to her, tell her how much you appreciate her picking up extra days. Maybe leave a gift of some sort behind when you are picking up your little one with a note of appreciation before you talk to her.

After all she is your mother and you love her. You just wish she had a better attitude.

Your comments that she expects the baby to play by herself and how it is a burden to entertain the baby, makes me think that she is not providing very loving care to your daughter. Your daughter is going to pick up on the resentment. I would just switch her to a daycare and give a nice explanation like you realized that she should be having fun at this time in her life and not be busy with a baby again.

it seems to me that your mother is trying to set herself up as a martyr. You can either buy into that (by taking your daughter to her for her day care) - or you can find another alternative. Maybe the alternative for now is to take your daughter to day care on the days that your MIL would normally have her. Continue to take your girl to your mom on her "regular" days, but take away the martyr hammer on those other days. If your mom continues to gripe and complain about providing care (despite the fact that you are paying her - HELLO), then eliminate that as a source of complaint for her.

I would just wait till the next time she complains and very calmy tell her that you have already started making arrangements for that one day until your MIL is able to watch your baby again. then when she retracts and says she wants to do it, you nicely explain to her that she is making you feel like your child is a burden on her and that you feel it is best for both of you. My mother is the same way, it doesn't get better.

Your FIL will not recover to prior standard of life... and seems your Mother is like mine and will not change. Make other arrangements for the weekly needed child care and have Mom babysit for date nights only.

You need to confront your mother and I would have other arrangements made just in case you need to utilize them. A friend of mine had similar situation years ago. It turns out that her mother felt obligated to keep the baby. She was not and the parents had made arrangements to take her to an in home day care. The mother felt that it was her "duty" to care for the baby. They came to an agreement that they would take the baby to in home daycare 3 days a week, and the mother could take the fourth day. My friend worked 4 10 hour shifts. As far as the complaining could your mother be jealous of the relationship you have with your in-laws? Especially if you are there more or you let them know that your in laws are kinder in this or more giving than that. Sometimes it is hard for parents to let go and see their children as adults with their own families. As parents you always want your children to get along with the in laws but when push comes to shove, sometimes you feel slighted because it seems that the children think more of the in laws than their own parents. If your mother is a person who turns to the bible then find some verses that pertain to talking bad about other people. If not the "Golden Rule" could be used. "Treat others the way you would like them to treat you." This is also in the bible but is widely used as a rule to live by.

If your mom really doesn't want to be mom again at this point in her life it is completely understandable. Make other arrangements - daycare is a good one, so is a nanny.

'A baby in the care of a resentful, grouchy caregiver is better than daycare every day of the week, esp if caregiver is Grandma.' Really???? Says who??? The caregivers at my son's daycare are routinely happy, loving, caring people who do their job because the like working with children. I don't see how a resentful, grouchy caregiver is better because she happens to share 25% of her genes with your baby.

I have this SAME problem. My mom acts like we're pulling teeth when we ask to babysit and she's very lazy. Although she'll watch my niece at the drop of a hat... I haven't talked to her yet but I avoid using her as a sitter at all costs. Is she married? Could you sit them both down and have an honest conversation? If so, it may be easier if her husband is in on it... if not... the best thing you can do is tell her how you feel. This is my plan w/ my mom but I have been so angry w/ her that I've been waiting it out. Don't do it while you're mad but tell her that her complaining upsets you and you would much rather take your daughter to daycare or elsewhere. When your daughter gets older she's going to hear/understand the way your mom is acting. Change it before she gets older if you can! Good luck. Keep me posted... My MIL loves my son and lives 2 hrs. away but would be here in a heartbeat if we ever needed her and spoils the hell out of my son!

I would just make other arraignments for your baby. It might be to much for her and she is just being a little stubborn. I would just tell her she can visit when ever she wants but you want to have your baby around other babies. I hope your FIL recovers quickly. He is going through a hard time he may need extra care. So I might tell your mom that you are going to rethink child care. If she says no ...... oh well she will just have to live with it. Its your decision to make. And at this time your husband and his family will be concerned with his dads health.

You can't talk to her about. Don't tell her you are bringing baby to drop in care, just do it. Tell her she only needs to watch the baby on x days this week. You do not need to explain anything further to her.