How Do I Help Her Find Her VOICE?

Hi V.,

I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter! Honestly, though, I think you've done all you can do. Your daughter has listened to your advice and it will be up to her whether or not to take it. Her voice is not necessarily YOUR voice, ya know? I know she's not a teenager yet, but it won't be too long from now and I do remember that anything my mom tried to push on me just made me want to do the complete opposite! If she's complaining to you about the problem, maybe she's just looking for someone to listen to her, but not necessarily "fix" it? (Just like when we moan to our significant others and we get a "you should do this" instead of what we really want which is a "gosh that's frustrating, do you want a hug?")

Keep encouraging her gently, don't presure her or make her feel unsuccessful in your eyes. Mostly encourage her with other friends whom are more like her in tempriment. If you arange play dates it may solidify these relationships so she has someone else to play with at school. Your daughter's "shyness" probably causes her not to be to assertive in finding playmates and the other child's aggresive manner repells more savy children. Hence they end up together by default. The best persuasion your daughter could recieve is finding a real friend, some one who is nice to her. This will boost her self esteme and make her want to have those kinds of fun realtionships. While it's a nessary skill in life to confront those who aren't good to us, some of us find it much more stessful than others.

V.,
It sounds like you are teaching your daughter all the right things from a parents perpective! I would find out if your daughter's school has a councilor. That way both children can have a chance to talk it out with someone at school who is trained to help students in these situations. Then you have someone else on your side to help both girls at school when you can't be there! They will usually monitor the situation too - perhaps catch something before your daughter comes home and tells you about it. Good luck!

She sounds wonderful

;-)

Is the girl actually upsetting her?
does this bother her at the time?
afterward?

Or is it when you question her that it sounds uposetting to you?

If she is asking for ways to stand up to her, you need three things

1) other opportunities for friends - clubs, events, play dates etc.

2) stories (games, see below) and TV shows too, if appropriate, that reinforce what you are saying, examples of standing up for self a) forcefully DON'T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! iSTOP THAT I DONT LIKE IT!
b)with humour HA HA I DONT THINK SO GET YOUR OWN! IM NOT YOUR SLAVE YA KNOW ... HELLO!
Any examples of situations, TV, stories (or games, see below) are best if they show the person being still friends with you - having more respect for you.

3) ROLE PLAY GAMES. Make these up and use people, puppets toys or humerous situations to carry them out. Possible responses and possible responses to responses. It's easy, make it fun or serious, about her or other people /imaginary people. Don't be 'gentle' dear God, be firm about it! That's the example she needs.

Good luck. Best wishes!

Help her build her instinct by teaching her to say, "Stop, I don't like that." This should really have been instilled at an earlier age, but now is as good a time as any. If there is any situation at home, such as with her brother, then turn to her at those times and tell her to say "stop, I don't like that." Eventually, it should become her instinct to say that when she feels she has been wronged. This is a more empowering way to deal with a problem than giving negative attention to the person doing the harm. Your daughter will be able to say it with more and more practice. Good luck.

I was the same way as your daughter when I was her age, but luckily, my family moved out of the town where we were living right before I reached the 3rd grade.
This seems so funny to me because my mother and I had just talked about this situation that I had been in (as a child) just this year. We both agreed that there were several reasons I (as a child) kept putting up with this bully friend.

1)It was a friendship of convenience. My bully friend lived so close to my house.

2)My mother never set up several consistent play dates with me and other children.

3)I was afraid if I didn't put up with this bully, that I wouldn't have any friends.

4)I put up with it so long, that it was all I knew on how to identify myself with having a friendship. Like that was part of the package.

I know you want your daughter to have friends, so help her with her self esteem and self-worth. Finding her voice is important but learning to remove yourself out of a toxic situation in a non-confrontational way sometimes works better. Why should your daughter have to take the brunt of having to teach a "friend" on how to treat people? She then might spend the rest of her life trying to fix or change people, rather than have learned she can avoid these situations by directing herself to positive things that will only better her well-being. At this age you your daughter should be learning to stay away from other children that behave in this bulling matter and focus on people who are caring and that she can see herself playing with in the family home. Teach her there are plenty of other friends in the sea!

Hi V.,
Your description or your daughter reminds me of my daughter. Now age 7 and going into 2nd grade.
My daughter went threw the same situation in preschools and kindergarten. For some reason, she would always gravitate to the same type of girl that you described as your daughters friend. Or the friend would gravite to someone with my daughters personality because she could be pushed around. Either way, we tried to teach boundries, nice friend behavior, and so on.....
Finially, we got her into sports, an activity to boost her self essteem. Her self esteem soared. She gained her voice.
She is still has all her amazing qualities as before, and also the confidence to say STOP, I DONT LIKE THAT. And she had a blast with the sport. I recommend a team sport.
Best of Luck to YOu. Heidi