How Do I Handle My Daughter's Competitive Friend?

I had a M. do this to a lesser extent. Her d was a classic mean girl.
If you find a dance studio you could pull the owner aside and say this woman and her d are following you. Explain it. Ask the owner if she can keep them out of your d's class if they try to come.

A private school principal told me she made it clear to the girl's M. if the girl came here they do NOT tolerate mean girl behavior/relational aggression. The parents would have to leave work to have a meeting and take their child home each time it happened. The M. was intimidated into not coming by being told up front it would not be tolerated.

The girls are not friends because I got sick of it and told my D either people are our friends or they are not They don't get to backstab and hate us when in public then beg to come play when they are bored on the weekend.

Plus, my daughter's selfesteem is rising and she is making new friends!

I wouldn't talk to the mom, she'll probably just be defensive.
Keep encouraging your daughter to do HER best and not play into the other girl's drama. She's going to encounter girls (and women) like this for the rest of her life. Empower her. Help her develop the confidence to stand up for herself, that's the key to real self esteem. Role play with her. When the girl is saying something hurtful, your daughter needs to say, "hey, that really hurts when you say that" or "I don't feel like you're being a good friend when you say/do that."
Also, your daughter MAY want to give up dance for other reasons, not just because of this drama. She may be just using that as an excuse. Sometimes kids don't want to disappoint their parents so they look for an excuse or an "out." Why not let her take a break from dance over the summer? If she truly loves it she will go back.

I agree that this other girl cannot enroll herself into these classes and activities, her mother has to do it for her, and maybe her mother sees her daughter's competitive attitude as a good thing, or at least does not see anything negative about it.

Just like some adults are more "Type A" or "Type B", I think kids can be too. Your daughter sounds more B, this other girl sounds more A. The thing is, whether it is a positive or a negative, it all depends on where it is coming from. Some people want to be the best that THEY can be, and are not out to squash others in the process. Others are massively insecure and feel like their very image and indentity depends on being better at something than everyone else, AND making sure they know it.

Maybe it would help if you talked to your daughter and explained that her "friend" is acting this way possibly out of envy and jealousy and insecurity and she needs to learn to not let it bother her. Her friend is the one with the problem, not her. I know that's hard, and sometimes telling kids just to have a thicker skin is not enough, but it does go a long way in preparing them for the real world and teaching them to stand up for themselves and not let everyone intimidate them. And your daughter needs to see that if someone is really your friend, they won't try to constantly "outshine" you and make it their focus to feel better about themselves by putting you down.

You might be afraid to talk to the mom, and possibly lose the friendship, but I think you might want to ask yourself if this is a friendship worth keeping. Kids learn behavior from how their parents behave - if you are reluctant to stand up to this other girl's mom (i.e., the coat incident), your daughter may not know how to stand up to this other girl. Sometimes I think we are so trained to be "nice" that we end up being door mats instead and don't say anything for fear of rocking the boat. I'm not saying that to be mean in any way - I can be the same way myself and have been since childhood, but I am trying to teach my daughter differently in the hope that she won't struggle like I did. You can be friends with someone but if they are going to just walk all over you, they are not someone worth being friends with.

My daughter is only 4 but there was another little girl in her preschool class who sometimes acts like her friend and sometimes gives her the cold shoulder, and basically can act like a brat - and then my daughter was getting all upset because she wanted so badly to be this other girl's friend. I let her know that the other girl was one with the problem, not her. But when I was helping out with the class one day and basically caught this other little girl being a meanie to my daughter, I called her out on it and flat-out told her that we don't treat our friends this way and she needed to be nice to everyone, including DD. My daughter heard the whole thing and she just got the happiest, most relieved look on her face - and later told me, "Thank you Mommy...for telling S to be nice to me." It made all the difference in the world to her to know that Mommy was in her corner and had her back. At this age, I can't make anyone be DD's friend - and I wouldn't want to. But I can make sure that DD knows how to stand up for herself, and I can remind other kids that we don't treat other people this way.

I see what you mean, and there ARE people out there like that!

The "friend" is not a friend. A friend is not someone who wants to be better than you and compete with you. A friend is not someone who makes you feel bad. I think you need to coach DD and help her to get rid of this friend. If your DD likes this girl then you need to teach her how to control her friend's behavior. She needs to learn how to make comments like " Friend, I know that woman said she liked your coat but you are being mean about it to me and hurting my feelings so please stop."

This girl is walking all over your daugher because of jealousy and it needs to stop. People are victims because they ALLOW people to walk all over them. It's good lessons for life to teach your daughter that she is no one's launch pad. She can be honest and firm with this girl--but you're going to have to coach her and have her practice what she's going to say in certain scenerios.

I think you should talk to the dance studio and tell them what's been happening. They won't want to lose a student so see if you can work something out or at least have the teacher keep an eye on things.

This girl seems to have low self esteem and it's not a BAD thing that she practices hard but your daughter is not her competition. She needs to learn to channel her competitive spirit!

Also, if you can, talk to the girls' mom. Do things in a nice way and say things like "I love Friend's spirit, but sometimes she makes my daughter feel bad without meaning to. She is so competitive and I'm afraid it's ruining the girls' relationship. I'd hate to see that happen because they are such good friends..."

Good luck!

What are you afraid to lose? This girl is causing your DD a great deal of stress. And her Mom is the one who makes all the copying possible. Mom is signing her up for everything the same. Mom buys the clothes, etc. Sounds like maybe Mom is a big influence on the competitiveness. She isn't leading her DD to find or pick her own activities, or her own style. Now that the girls go to different schools it should be easier to seek out different friends and activities. You can't control where they sign their DD up for things, but I totally think you're on the right track not sharing your summer activity plans with them. As far as dance goes, I think your DD just has to make a choice. Quit, stay and put with with the friend, or find a new dance studio. It should be up to your DD, I would support her choice. And also encourage more activites away from the competitive girl.

I do believe that we all have that one family that does everything we do. They have to trump your card or at least equal up to it. I get to see that in our neighborhood we buy an American flag and post three houses down they do the same kinda like "Keeping up with the Jones-es" so to say. We do things to being us joy not to out beat someone else but you have adults and there children that will do that. In a way it is flattering in another it's plan annoying. The thing is the apple doesn't fall far from the tree that is a learned behavior and they mostly learn it from the parents mother or father. I would just keep my distance and always remember Loose Lips Sink Ships. If you dont want them doing the things your doing dont give them the information. If she is coming over going through your daughters closet dont allow her to do so. If you dont slowly make distance between her and the child you are going to have hard core jealousy issues from this family later on in life me personally cut your bait and move along. Now people might not like what I have to say and thats ok but that is my opinion. Good luck !!!

It sounds like this "friend" has her own issues to deal with. I would encourage your daughter to make other friendships. Why don't you want to lose the friendships? They don't sound healthy at all. This might be a question you will want to explore. I tend to be a pleaser, so I'll avoid hurting someone's feelings at the expense of my own needs. Can you relate to that at all? I'm learning to factor my own needs into the equation.

I know this will be hard, but stay out of it.. If they want to spend their lives following you all around.. That is their loss. Just try to not speak so much about what your daughter is up to. This way it will not be so tempting.

Eventually, hopefully this girl/mother team will find things that they like to do.

My new business partner has kind of the same situation due to circumstance. She and another one of our mutual friends have daughters the same age, live blocks from each other and for whatever reason.. their daughters have always ended up in the same clubs, events and interest.. They are both in advanced classes.. etc. This started back in kinder, where they first met..

It is of course because both girls are so much alike ,attend the same schools, and tend to have the same friends.

But the other mom has begun to show signs of feeling like now her daughter is not being able to be her own person. Even though the girls are not trying to one up each other.

My business partners daughter was made Capt of the drill team for this coming fall, even though the other as a junior was a 1st Lieutenant, this year . Traditionally this usually means she would have been Capt. this year. It was thankfully judged by a panel of dance instructors not any from this school.

The girls really try not to compare or to get into this stuff, but it just always seems to happen.

I already warned my Business Partner to make sure these girls do not end up at the same University.. Can you imagine Rush with the Sororities?.. Yes, both moms were in the same Sororities, but different schools back in the day.. Good Grief.

Okay, it took me a while to get to the paragraph about how much this bothered your daughter. Unfortunately, it is a free country, and you really can't stop them from following you, and your daughter has to learn how to speak up for herself. If it is a good dance school, I wouldn't switch. My daughter is also 8 and her current bff is somewhat like the annoying girl you mentioned. Because my daughter can't seem to hear on the phone without it being on speaker, I get to hear their conversations. The friend is always bragging about getting new things, Iphone, new American Girl dolls, etc. My daughter buys the line hook line and sinker but the friend is always lying. The only times I have intervened is when the girl left really nasty messages (I emailed her mom) or when my daughter asks for advice. There is so much drama in the 8 yo girl world and eventually they do manage to sort it out for themselves. If you want to get involved, talk to your daughter about how to speak up for herself when she is bothered.

This girl is not enrolling herself in these classes. Her mom is allowing her to continue this behavior and may have no idea that it is a problem. IMO you need to talk to the mother about your concerns and what it's doing to your daughter. Tell her your daughter needs to have her own activities separate from her friends. If the mom doesn't respect your wishes and your daughters feelings then why would you want to hold on to this friendship? Your daughter needs to come before any friendships.

Not to sound mean but you seem way too involved. Maybe "friend" is not such a great friend to your daughter. Let your daughter decide who she's friends with and carry on a relationship with the Mom separately if you wish. This whole thing will not just go away and frankly it sounds as if you are overly consumed with it. They are kids, when adults keep their own opinions to a minimum about this stuff children have a way of working it out. Sometimes that means finding another "friend".
She's heading into the tween years, there will be tons of this kind of stuff for HER to deal with. Let her get a little practice now. Support her choices, listen to her vent, help her to figure it all out but don't solve the problem for her.
Most importantly don't let a little kid get under your skin. Trust me as kids grow up the natural consequences of life have a way of solving many of these type of issues.

Imitation is only flattering up to a point, and this girl has crossed that line. I would encourage other friendships. While I hate to suggest it because your daughter shouldn't have to, is switching dance studios possible? If so, I'd consider that and tell the other girl's mother that you are switching because the competitiveness has reached a level where it's upsetting to your daughter, and that you are only switching to separate the girls, so ask her to please not switch her daughter too, even if she begs because it would defeat the purpose. Let her know you'd like the girls to still see each other socially.

My daughter is 16 and has had the same best friend since third grade. While the friend is nowhere near the level that your dd's little friend is, and we all love DD's bff, this is the same girl who at age 11 took a series of six ice skating lessons and then went around telling people that she was being coached for the Olympics LOL! Now that the girls have permits, she tells everyone she drives to all of these places, but in honestly, her parents rarely take her driving and it's my daughter who has driven to all of these places.
You may need to talk to the mom. You can also teach your daughter to advocate for herself, and say, "I'm glad that the woman liked your coat but it sounds like you're bragging, and it's not nice to say that she didn't like mine. That hurts my feelings and that's not what friends do." Tell her it's okay to say these things even in front of the other girls mother.

Wow. A little copying and competitiveness is one thing, but it sounds like the friend is well on the road to stalker-ville (can you picture her in college???).

I know you like the mom and consider her a friend. However, it's time to put some distance between your daughter and this other girl, however you need to.

I think you also need to have a talk (or actually, an ongoing open conversation) with your daughter about what real friends do and do not do. Real friends do not constantly belittle their friends, "rub their noses" in their triumphs or accomplishments over the "friend", buy the same clothes, make the friend feel bad, etc. Real friends are happy when their friends do well, even if they are little jealous that the friend is better than they are, real friends like their friends to be happy and not feel bad, etc.

If you know the other mom really well, you could broach this subject with her... But I think the other poster is right that the other Mom is the one who buys the clothes for her, signing up for classes, etc. (to copy your daughter). It could be she is clueless (or deliberately not noticing), but chances are that she will not take it well if you point it out to her. If you do point it out to her, try to do so in a non-confrontational, non-emotional way and explain that you think it would be healthier for each of the girls if they spent less time together and developed other friendships, since the friend seems a little obsessed with your daughter.

Start role playing responses to the friend's pettiness. Stop having this girl over for playdates (you are too busy, DD is too busy, other kid(s) are too busy, whatever it takes), invite other kids from DD school over. Speak to the school counselor at DD's school about this--the counselor may have some good ideas on dealing with this and with role playing scenarios.

But get your DD away from this other girl. Help her be strong, and learn to stand up for herself. Help her recognize that this person is toxic (hopefully she does't remain so for her whole life--she does have the chance to learn, but it seems no one is helping her). Help her recognize healthy friends/friendships.

Two things - sometimes parents can be friends without kids also being friends and sometimes kids' friendships change.

If this girl is so insecure (that's how I see it) that she can't BE HERSELF, then that's an issue in her, not in your DD. Your DD is just the target and the perceived "better" and the girl doesn't know how to just do her own thing.

And, it stinks when someone comes along and does things faster than you. But maybe your DD is like my DH who is slower but better in the end where his friend K learns quickly and then plateaus. Ultimately, your DD needs to do it for herself. She needs to get confidence to just do HER best. It's not a race. I would work on your DD's confidence. There's something about this girl that is perceived as being better so she must be doing something special to have this girl so badly want to be like her. However, is there a reason they are in this same class other than ability? Is the class offered at another time? Is there another studio that would allow your DD to just be herself?

Now, flattery by imitation only goes so far, but maybe give your DD the tools to respond. To simply say, "I'm not competing with you, Friend. I got into tap because I like it, not because I'm trying to be anybody else. I'm here to learn."

And I would further encourage your DD to make other friends and spend time with them. If the other mom asks what's going on you can say they girls have grown apart. I would hesitate to say "other interests" because then they'd enroll her! If my DD was doing something like dance ONLY because a friend was in it, I'd be sitting down with her talking about her motivations and why she can't be herself. I'd also hesitate to enroll her in the exact same classes. I think the parents are missing part of the issue being how their daughter feels about herself. There will come a time when their DD can't "be the best" and that's going to be a problem. But not YOUR problem. You teach DD that she can still be very good and doesn't have to win all the time, but you'll be happy when HER hard work has paid off FOR HER. Make sense?

My SD used to try out different things all the time - ice skating, horseback riding...and for various reasons would lose interest after 6-12 months. She finally hit on theatre and while she's never had a leading role, she's enjoyed it and she's learned a lot about herself. I hope that both these girls find their thing some day. Apart.

But in the meantime, don't be afraid. If the friendship is really that tenuous that the girls not being friends ruins YOUR friendship, was that really your friend?

I've read a few of the responses and want to maybe give you a little something to think about. There will always be times when the mama bear in us wants to take over and there's always going to be challenges for our kids. I think it's important that you not fuel any negativity between your daughter and her friend. If she brings it up to you try to put a positive spin. Like if friend copies daughters clothing, activities, etc tell your daughter what a compliment that is to her. You also have an opportunity to teach your daughter that more than likely, in whatever we do, there maybe some who do it better and there will be some who do it worse. It's not about what the other person is doing. It's about your daughter doing her very best at what she's doing! The sooner she learns to focus on herself and not compare herself to others the better. Whenever my kids have mean girl issue I always tell them that they have an opportunity to help that person be better. When they react positively it not only helps them get through the sticky situation but hopefully it helps the mean girl as well. One last thing. This doesn't sound like the case but we have many times signed up for activities when other friends do just because it's a lot more fun to have friends in classes. The more the merrier! Good luck.

Are the parents competitive?

I have a child that puts so much pressure on himself, and stresses him self out. My husband and are very "whatever" about most things. We have no idea where this personality trait came from. But, man, it drives us nuts. The "friend" may be same way.

Can you steer clear of this family? Do they live close? I mean, can you be really busy all the time? or, is there another sibling that is really busy, and you can that route? or take up fencing? or some other random sport?

I soo hear you! My daughter is 16 years old now and we've been through a whole lot of what you describe - except that I wasn't friends with any of the moms.

I had a "wake-up call" recently when my DD said to me "Mom, I DON'T want you to do anything. I just want to "vent" and for you to listen!"

Ouch!! I adore her and, obviously, don't ever want her to be upset, but she told me in no uncertain terms to simply "be there" as a "safe person" to vent with. That's all - nothing else required. I have to admit that it's very hard for me not to do something to "help" when I know my child is upset, but sometimes "helping" is the wrong thing to do.

The other Mamas all had very valid points. At the end of the day, trust your instincts and do what FEELS right for you and your child. Unfortunately the world is full of "mean girls" and the only way for us to really protect our DDs is to teach them how to protect themselves! Good luck!!

I think your daughter should handle it. You should support your daughter by discussing various scenarios and giving her the appropriate responses. If this girl repeatedly tells your child so & so likes my coat and not yours help her out by saying "Friend" we all like your coat but it's very rude to try to hurt someone's feelings like you are doing by saying that again and again. Please stop. The good thing about dance is that for the most part it is an individual and not a group activity. If your daughter isn't able to keep this girl in check by a few solid responses such as "What makes you think you are a better dancer? I enjoy dance and you just tagged along." Then see if you can have her moved to another class or different day. At the very least speak to the dance instructor to have her keep them separated in class.

The most important thing is to get through loud and clear to your child that this behavior is all about her friend's insecurities and absolutely not about her. Once she understands that she can try to be a good friend herself by responding in a positive manner but without being pushed around.

You can't and shouldn't fight all of her battles for her but you can build her "tool box" of skills to use in all sorts of situations.

When I started high school, I had a friend similar to your daughter's friend. She wasn't vocal about it, but I certainly noticed that everything I did, she did. We are in our 40s now and she's still doing it. I moved away. She moved away. I traveled abroad. She traveled abroad. I got married. She got married. I bought a house. She bought a house. I had kids. She's pregnant. I understand that these are things nearly all people do, but she had always sworn that she'd never marry, have kids or put down roots. She mocked me for being so "boring" and insisted that she was going to live her life not "tied down." She made sure to make fun of every major life decision I made, then proceeded to make the same decisions. I realized long ago that she is just lost, doesn't know who she really is, and is grasping for meaning in her life. I really feel badly for her. I've tried to empower her along the way in her own choices, but she always winds up copying me in the end.

If I knew then what I know now, I probably would've ended the friendship a long time ago. After 25 years, though, it's hard. She is about to have her first baby and she has NO IDEA what she's in for. She's been living her whole life completely for herself and this baby is going to blindside her. I feel very strongly that she is not going to be happy being a mother. I feel like I should stick around because she's definitely going to need all the help she can get.

Sorry, don't know if any of that helped. Best of luck to you and your daughter. (and I've have a talk with the mom. also don't be afraid to speak up if you hear the taunting again - that's plain wrong.)

Ok....this is coming from a mom of 4. My oldest is 19 my youngest 4. I have been through it and it's not fun. Sensitive, yes you are...but not without reason. You feel trapped and whenever we feel trapped we get ultra irritated by the petty things that we could otherwise overlook in another situation. You have to, for your sanity, be up front the next time this happens. What's done is done but the next activity your daughter involves herself in, needs to be "her" activity. Just kindly mention that as much fun as it is to have the girls always sharing in their gym and dance classes in the past, your daughter has expressed wanting to do something on her own. If that is too much remember something....we, as adults sacrifice friendships and relationships or alter them when they are no longer healthy and fulfilling. You are so concerned about hurting or damaging the adult relationship that you have become afraid of being honest with someone that you call a close friend. I'm not saying that you should at all go into detail about the frustrating ways of her daughter. I am simply saying that you need to put your feelings and comfort first and that of your daughter and if the relationship is strained then that is how it is going to have to be for a period of time.
Honestly, I do believe the little girl is incredibly envious and wants to emulate your daughter...with that said, as I've seen (both in growing up myself and with certain friends of my daughter's) this is a behavioral trait not a phase.
If nothing comes of this, I am sure that their friendship will not stay as close as they get older. If it does, your daughter will make that choice or the other friend will. Until then, just breathe and try to take some time to yourself to truly understand what you are upset about, where it is coming from so that you can address each situation calmly and directly....

Good luck... these are the tough ones :)