I recently moved to a suburb of Detroit. It;s a pretty decent neighborhood but it is predominately white and we are black. My 5 year old is very friendly and speaks to any and everyone, and wants to play with every little kids that he sees. I have been in this world long enough to know when i am getting the cold shoulder and why! It is very apparent sometimes that some people don't speak or say petty comments because we are black. but my son does not understand and i don't really know how to help him understand this. I ask this because there is a family that lives behind me and they are very loud all the time and i hear them talking about people of different races in very nasty ways(whatever foul name a race has they use it!) so i t just so happened that i guess they had some other small children over and we were walking around the corner and my son automatically spoke to EVERYONE outside and they frowned up their faces and told the kids to get back on the porch! my son kept speaking but they would not speak back. so i just told him to come on and his feeling were so hurt and he asked why they were being mean to him? i like to be honest with my son and I feel that he needs to know how the REAL world is but how do i explain this him? and he also has a big mouth so if im honest with him he will blurt out.....my mom said...!!! so i'm asking has anyone else had to try and help their small child understand the real world? and if so how did you handle it?
Thank you everyone for responses! i know i will get more so thanks to you mommies as well. So far i have not had to explained why people are like this, so this was a serious issue for me. He knows that people are different colors( i babysit a friend of mines daughter who is white and the other children that he plays with are white as well and it bothers NONE OF THEM,lol they just play and have a good time). but i want to approach it just right so that he does not judge EVERYONE who is of a different race especially his little friends!
Tell him Ignorance Comes In Every Color, because it's true. Sorry you have to go through this, hope you can find a better neighborhood soon.
:(
why make the world seem so bad to him already, there is a beauty to the innocence of kids, do you really want to take that away?...I would J. explain that they don't know us yet, and maybe when they do they'll be nicer...that stinks you have to deal with that though=(
This may sound really stupid- lol My son asked why some people are mean and some are nice after having some issues with a friend in pre-K. I think the same could apply here. I told my son that people are a lot like cats (and he loves cats). Some are white, some are black, some are orange, some are yellow, some are spotted, some are striped, and some are not. But in the end, they are all cats. Some are friendly, some are shy, some cats like other cats, and some don't. Some cats are downright mean. But you will never know what kind of "cat" they are until you find out. If they are not friendly, you just keep on going because there could be a cat right around that corner that wants to make a friend.
I just wanted him to know that people are different and you can't do anything about it. They just are who they are. But, keep trying and don't give up until you find a friend.
Of course then he ran around pretending like he was a "silly cat" and meowed for the next 30 minutes straight. But I think he got the point. :)
My 5 yr old son is mixed and the friendliest, sweetest little kid I've ever met. He is so inncoent that he doesn't know when people are blowing him off. It doesn't even slow him down. He just keeps smiling and laughing and trying to be thier friends. Most of the time it works. They can't help but give in and smile at him. But I've seen those times when people are reacting to his freindliness in a negative way and he is just standing there grinning with his great big naieve eyes. I didn't have the heart to let them take away his inncoence. He will find out soon enough. I just tell him something silly, like... I'm sorry they were mean to you when you were just trying to be nice, maybe they had stink worms for breakfast. or maybe they are only allowed to make new frineds on the 3rd Tuesday of the month. Something silly that makes him laugh as we walk away and they stand thier all frowned up looking foolish. But TRUST I say it loud enough for them to hear me! I'm sorry they were mean to your little guy. Have you thought about getting him a pen pal in the military? I've been thinking of doing that with my son. How proud they would be to be able to say - thats ok, I have a friend. Cpl Smith is a soldier and he's my friend.
Some people are just rude and mean.
It doesn't matter what color they are, how old they are, what size they are, where they live.....
It's a shame and it's hard for little kids to understand, but we have to let them know it's the OTHER person's problem. Your son didn't do anything to deserve being treated that way.
I think it's best to explain it simply that way to little kids.
I have black people in my family. My favorite neighbor is black and her entire family has adopted us.
Not all people of different colors are mean. Sometimes people are just mean in general.
It's sad, but it's true.
Too bad you're not closer, there's a mess of kids around here he could play with.
Best wishes.
Maybe having an innocent child say "My Mom said you won't talk to me because you are racist" may be a HUGE eye opener for those people!
My daughter is super friendly and social too - she's in the league of no child is a stranger and most adults aren't either category. Sometimes people are just plain rude, unsocial, don't want to be nice, etc... so it may not COMPLETELY be racism... but if your son were to ask that above sentence... I am sure many may realize the impression they are making.
Oh so sad when reality finds our children. Well, since he's so young I wouldn't tell him why they aren't friendly. I would just tell him that some people just don't want to be friends and that it's better to be friends with people who want to be.
If you feel you have to tell him then just say some people only want to be friends with people their same skin color because nobody taught them how much fun it is when you have friends just based on them being nice. I would also be sure that he knows not to reciprocate the nastiness. And if you are a praying family then have him remember them in his prayers.
When you guys are out I would pretend they aren't even there and do everything fun I could do to distract him from noticing things they say or do.
I'm sorry to read you have such an awful situation in your own back yard.
Best wishes to your family.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It certainly doesn't give you the best impression of us white people, does it? Please rest assured that in the "real world" there are people of all level of tolerances. I haven't had this kind of discussion with my kids but I guess I would lay it on the line as honestly as possible. "Johnny, I love that you're so friendly. Some people are nicer than others. And there will sometimes be ignorant people who don't want to get to know you because you're different from them. Your job is to stay the sweet and friendly boy that you are and if someone doesn't want to play, then they don't want to play."
I'm sure you'll get much better answers than mine. But again, I'm sorry that you have such ignorant racists living behind you.
C.,
I just want to say I am so sorry that you have to deal with that! I have never understood racism. That kind of ignorance is without excuse.
When I started elementary school in Dallas, schools still were not integrated here. I couldn't go to the "black school" two blocks away and had to be driven to a school two miles away. There the kids were so mean to me because I wore hand-me-downs and sometimes the black teenage boys who worked for my dad would pick me up after school. The black people in my neighborhood were some of the best people I have ever known and they were even poorer than my family.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything to add to the good comments you have received already. I just pray this will build your son's character rather than make him bitter. If I had not had similar experiences, I might have been less compassionate myself.
Oh C.! This breaks my heart! I wish you were MY neighbor!
I had a hard time talking to my son about this (he's 7) because we have a very diverse group of friends and family and I didn't want him to have to carry the burden of his loved ones being treated badly because of their skin color. But, the real world rears its ugly head and then we have to explain.
I really don't know the proper way. I explained that some people don't like anyone who is different than they are, and they are afraid of people who don't act, think, look, or talk like they do (obviously our convo went WAY past the confines of race!) so they act mean. And,- I don't know if this was right, but it was the best I could do on the spot!- I told him that, while people are all beautiful because we are all different, some people are ugly on the inside. He seemed to accept that.
I wish I had better advice for you! I don't know if I handled it right, but I don't think our explanations HAVE to be perfect all the time. Go with what you think is best and make adjustments as you go along.
Again, SO sorry you have to deal with vile people. HUGS!!!!!
Edit* Tracy K. I LOVED your answer. Your post actually made me cry. Protecting your child's heart is a valuable thing. You get applause from me!
I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
Trash comes in all colors. You happen to live near some real doozies of some Plain White Trash!!!
I have no advice, just my support for you and your family.
Come move to my neighborhood...your son sounds delightful and our sons would get along great! Well..I know that can't happen so....hmmm...I don't think now is the time to enlighten him about the "real world".
I think you should keep him being his sweet,talkative,outgoing, friendly, loving, and non prejudicial self. Just let him know that not everyone is as outgoing as you all are and sometimes people are just plain not nice. Tell him that they were not being nice or polite. Talk about being polite in social settings whether you want to be best friends with someone or not...you should always be polite and kind. Talk about always responding back to someone kindly when you are being talked to. This way he will understand that what he is doing is perfectly neighborly and the others were not.
As a white woman I can't understand what you go through and how you will have to really teach your sweet boy about the real world of racism. I think if you always teach your boy to be kind and model good behavior for him then he will find friends that love him for him. Build him up so that he has a strong and confident sense of self and he will be able to face the rude and cruel treatment by others.
Once he gets into kindergarten then I think that is a good time to start talking about the "real world" issues as they come along...and believe me they will. We have had soooo many "real world" issues happen. I wished they didn't have to learn it so young but having a strong sense of self, a loving home to go to at the end of the day and open communication with parents helps soooo much when the "real world" smacks them.
Best wishes mama. I am sorry that "real world" situations are already happening to your sweet boy. Keep doing what you are doing to raise such a loving child.
Wow, that is tough. I would say for this particular instance you just tell him that some people like to keep to themselves. Not everyone is as friendly as he is and sometimes it takes a while for them to want to talk to someone they do not know. It has nothing to do with him. It's just the way some people are. DO NOT tell him it has anything to do with race. It just so happens that this particular neighbor is a jerk. It has nothing to do with your son. The guy is just an idiot.
I really wouldn't try to explain "the real world" to him. You don't want him to experience life through rose tinted glasses. Let him stay innocent and open minded. He is likely to run into those kids again. Kids are not predjudice by nature. Your son sounds very sweet and the other children in the neighborhood will realize that and gravitate towards him regardless of skin color.
My own children are multi-cultural/racial. I am Latina, Native American, and Irish. Most people just assume I am Hispanic (I am half), but I'm originally from a small town in Michigan and never learned Spanish. My daughters' father is half Caribbean (black) and half English. The girls also usually get pegged as Hispanic even though they are only 1/4. We have had discussions about skin color over the years and they just refer to themselves as brown. They say that I am light brown. They literally refer to people by the actual color and not race. For instance, they call my niece who is half black tan. She is actually lighter skinned than all of us even though she is genetically black. It is a non-issue to my kids.
aaaargh....I hate that you & your son are having to deal with stupid issues such as this! What a heartbreaker.
& you're right, no matter how you explain it, your son will repeat your words.
We have serious clique issues in our small town & I've had to periodically remind my sons "that some people just don't know how to be nice".
Peace be with you....
There are children's books on Malcolm X, MLK, Rosa Parks, and many more from the Civil Rights Era that I have read to my son. We also visited The Henry Ford and sat in the seat that Rosa Parks sat in.
It is hard to explain these things to kids without them asking a lot of additional "Why" questions after you think you have said all that you could say, and it will be tough because you can't fully explain why people behave the way that they do... BUT I think the sooner that kids understand that some people are ignorant and hate groups of people the better they learn to cope with these things when they come along.
My heart breaks for you and your son. I echo what some others have said; I wish you were my neighbor too!
My first reaction was, so what if your son called them on their ridiculous behavior? They should be! But, I don't think that's best for your son. so, I guess I would tell him that not all people like making friends as much as he does. They are shy, or cranky, or whatever. But tell him to just keep trying! Don't change himself because he's being a great person and a great friend. I really hope things get better for you. Good luck!
I am so sorry that your family is being subjected to others' small mindedness. If you ever move south come live in my neighborhood. We are a mix of white, black, and Asian, and every one respects each other.
With that being said, sometimes we have to explain to our children that other people are just not nice. And you could leave it at this surface level explanation for now, since he is only 5. It is up to you on how "deep" you want to go into an explanation. You could explain that some people judge based on skin color and are afraid of those who look different from them. But, that you know that is wrong, and you hope that he looks deeper into people's character before deciding if he likes them or not.
You know, of course, that this will be an ongoing conversation that you will have with you child(ren) through the years. Unfortunately, because of these neighbors, you have an opening for that discussion.
I would suggest that you continue your neighborhood walks, continue letting him be the gregarious little boy that he is, and slowly get to know your neighbors. Surely not all of them are pigs?
Maybe invite some of the children over to a front lawn party - water guns and lemonade thing.
Children don't see color.
Good Luck
God Bless
Give your little man a hug from me.
You've got some really good suggestions here. I wanted to add that maybe your son can make some friends through an activity of some kind that maybe has more diversity, through the YMCA or church, etc. That just makes me want to hug your son, that is so sad. I live in such a diverse area I'm grateful that my kids are growing up with kids of all different backgrounds. My friend who is a kindergarten teacher does a lesson where all the kids put their hands together in a pile so they can admire all the different shades they are and talk about their similarities and differences. I wish all people were that loving and understanding. I hope things improve in your neighborhood soon.
Tell him the truth, that there are some very narrow minded people in this world. Thing is if you talk to such people it isn't just race it is everything.
The thing is they are not a good example of the real world. I am sorry you had to find a home so close to them.
I think it would be a case where so what if he says my mom said, after all the lack the intellectual capacity to argue why they are being tools anyway.
What you don't want to do is damage his sweet, loving, friendly personality & cause him to be prejudiced against whites when this awful family is just one family in your n'hood. I always told my kids that some people have problems and it's not my child's fault. Sounds like they're not just racist but very dysfunctional and that's obvious to everyone and your son will see it too. I've always tried to teach the golden rule and live by it so my kids could pick it up from me. Unfortunately kids figure out soon enough that not everyone will love them. At this point in his life, I wouldn't make a big deal out of the racist thing because it sounds like they don't like anyone. It's not personal or even just blacks. They're just mean!
Just try not to tell him about the issues at hand. Explain to him that not everyone wants to play with everyone and it is what it is.
I'm so sorry that you even have to deal with such thing in live..I can't even imagine and it is beyond wrong, but yes it is reality.
I know, I'm not black, but my son is gay and I had to teach him the "reality " as well....I think at first you always make sure, to let your child know, it's not them,they are great.But unfortunately, there are people outthere, who are not comfortable with certain races, or sexual orientation, or whatever it is..
In your situation, I would say...to try to ignore these people, but not to be rude ...I always taught my children, not everybody will always like you, that is just the way it is.....they turned out fine....good luck
I am so sorry that this happened, and that you live so close to such ignorant people. When he goes to school he will make friends with children who will befriend him because of his outgoing personality. Children are innocent and do not see color. Predjudice is a learned behavior, children are not born that way. In the meanwhile take him to parks, playlands, etc.Lots of fast food places have those play areas and you can make healthier choices if you wish. Many libraries offer summer programs for children. There he will make friends who he can invite over for playdates.
