How Do I Cope?

A friend of mine had it written into the legal papers that as long as ex and the girlfriend weren't married, the children could not spend the night--day visits only. You've got to have sound legal advice. It's worth every penny you spend.

If it were me, I'd talk to a lawyer. I don't think that not sending the kids is a good option, but him leaving them with a total stranger (to you) is completely out of the question. If she's coming to pick them up, maybe you could ask to talk to her for a few minutes, do a little "interview" and find out the info you want from her, if she's willing to give it. If she's not, I'd definately take the issue to a lawyer and have some boundaries drawn up for his visitation. I don't think it's fair to either of the females in the situation for him to pawn off his kids on someone they and you don't know at all.

S.,

My prayers are with you. Life after divorce or separation is never easy. I have read some of your replies and some are correct, legally and some are not. I practice family law here in Tarrant County. Feel free to contact me if you wish and we can discuss your situation. Just let me know your from mamasource. My number is ###-###-####.

J. Duke Mathis

First of all, your attitude and faith are such a positive start. Anytime a family is apart, children are curious to know what is going on - be as honest with them as you can (without laying blame) and explain to them that you love them and that you will always be there for them - they need reassurance that you aren't going to leave them or send them away. Not sure of your situation, but I know that it's really hard to maintain a "normal" lifestyle when you're trying to manage everything on your own. Remember that you need time for yourself to unwind and recoup - ask a friend/family member to keep the children for an afternoon ( someone that the children know) and just do something for you -or see a girlfriend/therapist/counselor/preacher to talk the issue thru. It is hard for you - so much hurt and feelings of betrayal, your children are scared and confused - asking you questions that you don't know how to answer - which only adds to your own stress. If you can do it, try to get together with him to talk - just the 2 of you- and tell him that he needs to work with you as far as the children are concerned - money is not the only thing his children need from him - try stay calm and keep your emotions at bay - so that he doesn't feel like your attacking him personally - Express your concerns for the saftey and well-being of your children.

Since he's apparently moved on - your social life is none of his business - you can do whatever you choose with whomever you choose - he is planning on allowing this other woman to "mother" your children while he is at work - he has no right to be angry about you having men around them. I do think it is a good choice to not bring around other men as far as your children are concerned - but does he not see that he's "replacing " you in front of your children with this other woman? I guess if you turn it around on him, he'll probably get angry - but he can't have his cake and eat it too - i dedicate "Release Me"by Wilson Phillips to you - because he is showing jealousy - he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want you to move on, either.

So sorry, I am not trying to hurt you - but I am so frustrated for you - I was seperated from my husband for almost a year - had some issues that eventually worked out - but the questions from my 4 and 5 year old children were really hard to handle - I talked to counselors, friends, preachers, anyone that would just listen and might give some good advice and just prayed a lot about it. just passing on some of the good things that I learned - having been together for so long, he knows all of the right buttons to push - remember, you have control over your own self and emotions - just try not to let things wear you down - really spend some time for yourself - no matter what else is happening - you need to be healthy and calm to maintain a healthy and calm environment for your children.

If he refuses to give you a number so that you can talk to your children - think about getting the 5 yr old a phone - with your number programmed so that he/she can call you. I know it's a young age - but that is an option to keep you in contact with your children.

Hi, S.,

You have already gotten so much advice that I'm sure your head is spinning....but I just wanted to chime in with a book recommendation for you. It is called "Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who is Driving You Crazy."

http://www.amazon.com/Custody-Chaos-Personal-Peace-Sharin...

I read a ton of books when I was getting divorced, and this was BY FAR the best. It teaches you how to help change your OWN attitude and perspective so that you can deal rationally and healthily with ANY bizarre situation your ex throws at you.

I never had to deal with this particular situation, but believe me, there are plenty of other ways an ex can make you feel like you're losing your mind. This book was invaluable in helping me remember that I could not control him but only my own reaction to him. That doesn't mean that you may not have to take certain steps to handle what he's doing -- but you will be able to figure out and take those steps from a place of logic and peace and what's truly best for the kids instead of a place of emotion, revenge, panic, or high drama.

Good luck!

L.

First of all, get a lawyer. I just finalized my divorce with John Eck of the Robert Stites Law Firm in dt Ft. Worth. I have in my papers that there will be no sleep overs by girlfriends, and boyfriends for me, but let's face it, who wants another man!!. You cannot withhold visitation, but you can restrict HOW it occurs. Unfortunately at the age of 23, it will be very difficult for your ex to act as a mature, responsible father. Best of luck, it's tough being a single mom. The only bright side of this is that the 19 year old is young enough to still want to play with your kids. ( i know, a sick attempt at humor in a tough situation but you have to find the bright side where ever possible! )

Are you divorced or just separated? You need to see a lawyer asap. There is NO WAY I would allow my children to go off with my ex knowing that he is going to be leaving them with a girl that I don't even know esp. without any way of checking on them. NO WAY!!!!! You don't know if she is a responsible person. The what if's are endless and I wouldn't risk it with my babies!!! It isn't her age, it is the unknown.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Be strong, protect your kids and move on! You deserve better!

I think you need to stand up for yourself. If he is going to be leaving the kids with someone I would treat it like him leaving them with a babysitter, require a phone number get to know her, do a back ground check find out where they will be and make sure its a safe place. You can always take it to court and get boundries set to protect your children. And in some cases you can make him pay your legal fees. I think its time you stood up for you and your kids, contact a lawyer and get those things set in motion. After all when your kids are suppost to be staying with him that don't want to be left with a stanger they want him. I think he has just found someone to hurt you someone he can leave the kids with just to hurt you, he doesn't have the time for them but he has found someone to drop them off to. And I am sorry a 19 year old with 3 kids under 5 OMG, Check her out and her family they maybe around them too. HTH

Ok alot of info left out that has alot of bearing. Were you married? Did you get court order for support and visits? If you did it should state that each of you has to give the other address and phone of all persons who care for the children. Each of you must insure that the other has a way of contacting the children 24/7. If you have not done the legal papers yet you can have it put in that only pre-existing babysitters from when you were together and family can watch the children. Just remember that any rules you try to put on him also apply to you. You can also put a no cohabitating clause with a time limit in the papers. I guess raising my daughters by myself with no contact or support from their father I would have to say at least be glad that he is making some attempt to remain in their lives. Or you can get tough. I mean inside. Call him and tell him you would like to get together with her before hand and explain things to her. Kind of show her the routine because you both agree that keeping thier routine normal through this time will help show the kids everything will be ok and life is not over. Make a list of their schedule. Food likes and dislikes. Bath and bed routines. Kill them with kindness. Explain to her that it would be great if you could exchange numbers so you can call at bed time or if you think of something you may have forgotten since it is all routine for you it is hard to think of everything. Talk casual with her about how the kids are still trying to understand where daddy is and how happy you are that he is going to spend some time with them so they know even though he does not live with you anymore he is still daddy. Tell her no matter how small please feel free to call with any questions even if she thinks it is dumb to call. In other words you can make your life miserable and him happy for it or you can make him think you are great with this and make it easier on the kids. Good Luck with your choice.

I have been here right where you are. You need to set rules for him and if this other woman is in your childrens lives you need a number to reach her. And if he cant handle that he doesnt get the kids. Its a safety issue you dont know her and she does not have kids of her own that means she doesnt have a clue on how to raise kids. Dont put your kids lives at risk because he knows how to push your buttons. Push back go to the court house if you have to put it in writing and get it notarized. As a single mother you have to protect your children when you feel threathen yes he left, time will heal that wound. But to allow him to tell you who and when someone else to care for your kids when he is not around is unacceptable. Dont let him keep kicking you around those kids look up to you to do what is right and if he cant follow the rules and respect you then he needs to get out of your kids lives for good they will probably be better off without him. And began to think about your self worth you deserve to be happy too just because you have kids dont mean you dont have a life. Take time for yourself give that burden to God he will handle all your needs. Keep your head up dont let your kids father know he has power over you he will use it against you everytime. You will get through this I know I was just like you I am so much better now and so is my son. God Bless take care

Hi S., welcome to the harsh world of single mothers. My ex has been married 4 times now (I was #1)and has had countless other girlfriends and affairs. In my case the ONLY time he has anything to do with my daughter is when he has a significant other that insists upon it. My daughter is 15 now and can always tell when her dad has a woman in his life because she will get birthday cards or Christmas cards and sometimes even a half hearted invitation to come visit over the summer. (she has NEVER gone)

I feel really bad for you, I know break ups can be devastating and are almost always only wanted by one partner. Just know that you cannnot change things or fix them, you will have to roll with the punches and teach your kids to do the same. Kids are very resilient and will deal with the situation in the same way you do. If you show them that it's okay and that they will have fun, they will go with no problem. I would definitely worry about not having a phone number to reach them, if he still refuses to give you a number I would try to schedule a certain time each night when they can call and talk to you. Even though it hurts terribly, try to keep the peace so that your kids won't feel the extra stress. Oh, and hey, use the weekend without them to get back out in the single world, find something to do that you can't normally do with kids and enjoy!

Dear S.,

I've already said a prayer for you and your children. Unfortunately, you answered your own question about what to do, because you HAVE to allow your ex to spend time with the children. Since you do have to, I suggest that you explain to your children that "Daddy has a new friend" and that she may be spending time with them as well. Then, when she comes with him to pick them up, ask HER for her phone number and give her yours. Try as hard as possible, for the children's sake, to be friendly with her, not just cordial, but actually friendly, and continue to be so unless, at some future date, you learn that she has been unkind with your children. Most probably, the better you treat her, the better she will treat your children. Also, if your children sense stress between you and her (or between you and your ex), they too will feel stressed. Maybe you should even talk to your ex about all of this before the first visit. Since he may expect tension, he may indavertently, create it. Let him know that you want to "get along" for the sake of the children.

Please don't think I mean that you should allow her (or your ex) to mistreat your children. You certainly should not allow that. If, at any time, you learn that your children have been treated poorly, you should immediately contact your lawyer and proceed to change the visitation policy. Most likely, this will not be necessary, but be prepared to act, if needed.

In all likelyhood, your kindness will result in kindness being reciprocated.

Now, the next thing you need to do is pray for your children's protection, just like you would anytime they were out of your site (and, if you're like me, even when they ARE with you!). Even when you are not with them, God is. He will take care of them. Also, allow Him to give you peace about the situation.

Look on the bright side, you haven't had time to meet any other guys. Some "alone time" might do you good. Use it to enjoy time with your friends, meet new people and maybe develop a new hobby or indulge yourself in an old one. Take some time for yourself through all of this. You deserve it.

Good luck!

From a Grannie who has experienced all of it!

Deb (AKA Grannie Bebe)

S., you have recieved all of the advise that I would have given, please let me know if you need a referral as I went through the legal custody issues and my attorney is a great guy. It truely is a necessary measure to have a legal agreement regarding the "rules" when each of your have the children. If you already have a legal agreement then I can tell you that he is violating one of the general conditions of custody in Texas by not giving you phone numbers, that is unacceptable and it creates an unecessary stress on you. I would nip that in bud right now. I am not saying that you should threaten him but I would make it clear that you will be seeking legal advise about what your rights are. He does sound extremely immature I must say since he is clearly just trying to hurt you. You are going to make it through this just like the rest of us single moms. It will get better but you have to take the necessary steps to make sure your rights and the rights of your children are protected. I wish you the best of luck and please let me know if you need that referral!

S., my heart goes out to you. This hit a little home for me. I went thru a similar situation with my ex. the only difference was the other woman was not 19 years old. I really don't think age have anything to do with it. Believe me if she's all about pleasing and staying with your ex, she's going to do everything she possibly can to keep him. And if that means watching and taking care of his kids, thats what she's going to do. She's not going to jeopardize what she has with him. She's going to be out to prove a point that she can do just as good as a job as you. But, don't take it personal. Keep doing what you do best. They will always know who Mommy is. But, on another note. If you don't have any of this set up legally, I suggest you do that before you allow the kids to be with them. You will not have a say to who he leaves them with, because it would be on his time, but you certainly would have to be given all contact phone numbers of whom your kids are left with. You have to know he's not going to leave your kids with someone thats not going to take care of them, and do good by them. You were with this man for 9 years. "Document everything" I can not stress that enough. I mean everything. If there late being brought home, write it down. If they come home hungry, write it down. And as someone else said previously. your oldest child will be able to let you know some things. Don't question her everytime they go and are returned. Allow her to share things with you, if she choose to. She will. You can't let her know that it bothers you and your not comfortable with them being with the girlfriend. For if and when they do start being around her. They will like her and take to her if she's good to them and they feel love from her. I honestly think it is way to soon for your kids to go thru this considering their age, and before you do anything please consult with a legal advisor, because I think you have more rights than the normal situations, only because your kids are so young. Stay strong, keep your head held high, and pray!!!!

Go see a lawyer! It stinks to have to do that, but it sounds like this probably wont be the only issue you have with your ex, so get it mapped out now with a lawyer. I dont have a problem with your ex having a new girlfriend, but he shouldnt be leaving the kids with her when he is not there. The visitation is for HIM to see the kids...if he's not there then there is no reason for the kids to be there. And yes, they HAVE to give you phone numbers, etc!! The 19 year old could end up being a really nice person, but you dont know her and she doesnt have any kids, so dropping three young kids on her is a huge deal and I would not be comfortable with that (yet)!
I hope everything works out for you!

Hello.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I've been through this myself with my first husband. He didn't see his son until he was 15 months old b/c I left him when I was 7 months pregnant. He was seeing a 17 yr old and he was 25 at the time and when I confronted him, he said he wouldn't change anything and I had to deal with it. After the divorce was final is when he came to pick up my son. It tore me up and really traumatized my son, but what I learned to do was not let him see me upset and start calling him on the weekends he didn't have my son and ask to switch b/c I had plans that I needed someone the keep him. When I didn't let him see how much it hurt me, then he gave up. I turned the tables on him and made him think that I just loved being on my own with no responsibilities. I hope this helps you. I know it is hard b/c everytime he came to pick up my son, it really tore me up inside but I had to figure out that he was only doing this to hurt me. I felt it was better doing this instead of letting him hurt me and my son this way. It does get better in time. I know it sounds like a cliche but I met a wonderful man who is my son's dad. To this day, my son calls my husband Dad. He has nothing to do with his biological father. My son is now 22. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you have a legal document in place for your separation and custody. You really need to review with an attorney what your rights are here. I would think you absolutely have a right to know how you can contact the person who is caring for your children. You and the kid's father need to sit with the kids and explain you are not together, what their schedule is, and introduce the girl who will be taking care of them. I would suggest to him that you will deliver the kids to him where they will be cared for at least the first few times so you can help settle them in, just as you would in a new day care. The other thing is you will need to make sure who all has access to your kids to make sure they are safe. Try to focus on your concern for the kids and keep the personal stuff between the 2 of you out of it (as much as possible). If you have any assitance through work or your benefits you could benefit from reviewing with a counselor to get some ongoing advice. Can you work out visitation on days he does not work to minimize the kids alone time with the girl?

Girl by law he has to give you numbers and where abouts that he is going with the kids. Especially if he himself isn't watching the kids. The visitation isn't with her, it's with him! He is their father not her! Girl take control of your kids life and make sure she is not in it!

UM - no, him paying child support does not buy his girlfriend unlimited access to your kids. If you were married, there should be a divorce decree - if you weren't, there is no implied right to visitation.. and were I you, I would see an attorney (legal aid, if necessary), and have formal child support papers and SUPERVISED VISITATION.

What he is suggesting would not fly in court.

S.

ETA - I am a stepmom, and I was a girlfriend - we met 2 months before the divorce finalized and married 3 years later. My stepkids went on several dates with me and their dad once it became clear that we were permanent, but I was not left alone with my stepchildren for any significant amount of time (more than a couple of hours) until I was their stepmom, and their mom had my number, cell phone, a copy of my CPR card - you name it, I would have done it to let her feel more safe about where her kids are. She called the kids when she wanted to, and they called her when they wanted to. Unless immediate physical safety was impaired, my husband did the discipline for the first few years.

She and I still don't have a good relationship, but she has never been worried about her kids physical safety in my care.

I see both sides here, and while I personally think the whole thing is wrong on his part, clearly he has made his decision (however stupid it may be!) I also agree that it is not right to expose the children to a person either one of you would be dating, they just dont understand yet. They do need to be told that daddy is not coming back to live at your house, as often as they ask about it. The only thing I would say, is to remember that while the choice was bad, this young woman may not be. Just be cautious in your blame or reaction to her, because she may be really good with kids. I mean, you were younger that she is when you had your first one, so dont assume that she is incapable. Again, please know that in no way to I personally support his decision, but sometimes we are forced to make the best of any situation that we can. Your job is certainly to protect your children, but it is also to teach your children, to lead by example, and be the pillar of strength through out the whole ordeal!! I wish you the best of luck, I cant even imagine the struggle you are facing. ~A.~

I don't know how the law views this situation, but I would think that the father's visitation is for just that purpose. If he picks up the children with or without his girlfriend, he should bring them back to you during any time when he cannot be with them. For instance, if he has a weekend visitation, but works on Saturday, he can bring them back to you on Saturday on the way to work and pick them up when he gets off work. You and he are their guardians and I'll bet legally he cannot leave them with a "girlfriend babysitter" during his visitation. Check with your attorney.

I would Not allow him to see your kids until you contact and talk to an attorney. Call Danny Garner at Parker and Montgomery.
###-###-####
http://www.parkerandmontgomery.com Please let him know that M. Graham referred him.

That is part of our stipulation that no significant other can be involved until the other parent agrees and it is healthy.

It is NOT healthy for the children.
Hope this helps.
M.

Did you go through the courts for visitation?? I would call my lawyer and ask what I could do if I were you. I think you can not allow her to be w/your children if you don't want her to. Call your lawyer! It's not too healthy do expose your children to significant others very quickly anyhow! What a jerk! YOU MOST CERTAINLY need her phone number if she is to be watching your children!! He can say whatever he wants, he obviously does not know the law!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you. You need to have her number and she needs to have yours incase anything happens and youl need to get a hold of eachother. He should know that. I know it's hard knowing your kids are with "the other woman." Hopefully it will go smoothly.

I agree with Michele's comment.
No one has mentioned anything about this girl being 19. I can see having a 19yr old babysit for an hour or two if you know and trust them and they are mature but not when she is dating your ex husband and watching children that are not old enough to fully communicate.
I would definitely get some legal advise. You may not be able to keep him from having her around them but I think you will be able to keep her from being able supervise them alone. I feel for you. Good Luck!

Hi S.,

If you do decide to seek a lawyer, (and I personally would) I'd ask about 'right to refusal' which means that if he personally would not be watching the children during his time with them, then by law he'd be required to allow you first dibs on watching them for him. If he broke that agreement/arrangement then you may be able to take legal steps further to safeguard your kiddos.

Best of luck to you and may your heart heal quickly.

M.

Always take the high road. It is very important that you keep everything documented as it happens. Keep a journal and be ready if you go to court with him. Especially on the weekends the children spend with him and the girlfriend. If she is nineteen, she won't be babysitting three young children on Friday and Saturday night for very long. Listen to what they say when they come home. Write it in the jornal when they tell you. When your oldest is able to call you on a cell phone, I would get one and send it with her on their weekend with Dad. You are away from him now, don't let him control your emotions or actions. Be strict and firm on the weekends he picks up the children. If the papers say he must be the one to pick them up, don't let the girlfriend do it. Your oldest daughter can give you alot of information when she comes home. Just make sure they are safe and she knows how to call 911 and you if something is wrong. At this point, I would try to avoid talking to him as much as possible, he knows you are upset and pleading and begging him just gets him going. God has a plan for your life, read your bible and pray that he will be the one that guides and directs you daily and gives you strength to make it through a very tough and difficult time in your life. You have to be the strong one and leader for those three children. Take them to church on Sunday. You would be surprised how good it makes you feel. If it's difficult to get them all ready on Sunday, go to church on Sunday when he has the children. Be a good example to your children and they will follow your lead. It doesn't take long for kids to figure things out. You cope by always doing what's best for you and your children. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your family or friends. You always have the Mama's.

Does he have a visitation order? Child support and visitation are separate so just because he pays does not mean that he gets them for the weekend. Child support does not "buy" him time with his kids. He sounds extremely immature.

Gosh I am so sorry. Do you have some sort of custody agreement? I feel as though it is pretty normal to ask for a number so that you can check on your kids; or if something goes wrong that you can call whomever is caring for your kids. It sounds like a lot of immaturity on his end and being selfish. I would have a sit down with your kids - both you and your ex to explain the situation to your kids so that they are fully aware of what is going on. You may have already done this; however, they still seem to not understand. Also, counseling may help your kids cope as well. Also, I would try to sit down with your ex and his girlfriend to explain expectations on each side. You share custody so it only fair that each of you have expecations. It might help having a third party present to mediate as you want it to be a level playing field for both sides. This is about the kids not your feelings or his. Anyway, good luck with everything. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I could not deal with this. I raised such a stink years ago my ex would drop off his honey at a store, get the kids and then pick her up. I have a customer going through visits with her son's dad who they never married and he seems to do well for her. It is so painful to see someone with an ex when your life is torn apart. Age 23 and been together as still kids I just could not comprehend. Did he even finish school? He is still growing up now. It must have been overwelming to have three children so young. I agree the kids are too young, but the courts now do not even allow parents to leave the state where they divorce at. That is so sick. They do not care about you moving on to a new life. Just parent the kids together which most times hurts the children and us too. My son was really attached to daddy when he left when he was almost three. He had nightmares waking up in the middle of the night. Always saying where daddy, when is daddy coming home too. Now he has grown up, his dad passed a month ago, and he is on drugs living in a tent in Seattle. I have not heard from him for a year and a half. I miss and love him but he is a man living his life. I can not live it for him. I would have wanted College a nice loving family with grandkids and more instead of a self destructive life. His dad did drugs long before I met him. Quit smoking when we started dating and never did it all through our 10 yr marriage but took it up again after 20 years and died a horrible death. Cancer in lungs and brain. Now to see my son doing the same thing when life is so exciting to do things and have great relationships. I do know that when we are sad and life is hard, people distance from us. When we are on top of the world with self confidence and healed and healthy in our minds and souls we gravitate over and over good things and happy. So work on you. Be that person your children will gravitate to. Encourage them to be the best they can be and put all the trash in the back of your mind. Here is a phone number of that attorney that helped my customer. ###-###-#### I do not know his name. Blessing to you G. W

You have received lots of advice so I will just weigh in on one thing. Child support and visitation are two separate issues. Just because he pays doesn't mean he gets to visit and vise versa. I have custody of my 22 month old grandson. the mother has never paid her court ordered child support ($80.00 a month) but she gets to see him every other saturday. I cannot keep him from her because she does pay.

You should not have to put up with this. You can get a lawyer to draw up legal papers for custody. If HE wants to see the kids he can do it right. Make a firm schedule and plan and stick to it. There are low cost lawyers available for these things. The bar association can help you fund one. Absolutely do not send your kids off with some 19 year old stranger and no way to contact them. You have rights, don't give up!

He wants visitation...then he should get visitiation. That does not mean that he pawns the kids off during his visitation. Talk to an attorney.

I understand how you feel about this whole situation. You've had a long past with him and in less than a year, he's ready to move on and make a drastic change in everyone's life. The one's who will suffer the most is of course the children. However, as much as I hate to say this, there is nothing that can be done to stop it. He's being a "jerk" (me nicely putting it) by not giving you her number to check on them. As their mother, you have every right to know what's going on. In my opinion, when he brings her to the house to pick them up, talk to her and ask her questions. Ask her lots of questions... you'll have to maintain a "tolerance" for her and since she's going to watch your kids, you'll have to trust her that she'll do good with them. Try to give the benefit of the doubt. But let her know your concerns and let her know you'll trust her if she'll trust you. Then maybe she can give you her number on her own free will as long as you only use it to check on your kids on occasion. Put your trust in God and know he won't place your kids in harms way. And in my honest opinion, if he hasn't wanted to spend time with the kids since the split, but suddenly wants to... it's on her. She must have something to do with it. But in a good way. She's pushing him to do the responsible thing which is be their dad. (My son's dad wanted nothing to do with him but a couple years later he calls him and sends him stuff and I found out it's because of his girlfriend... ironically, me and her still hold a good friendship and since they split up... he hasn't called or anything... but she still sends cards and gifts... plus she's got 2 kids by him as well) But anyways... trust your instinct and for the better of the kids, build a relationship with her. Trust me it's going to be hard but what can you do. Be thankful that someone is going to be there to look after the kids. It takes guts from her as well to go and meet you. She wants you to know who she is and let you know she'll take good care of your kids. I'm sorry to have to say all this but I've been in your situation and I know how gut wrenching it is... but I've also gained a great relationship with the "other" woman and I know my son is in good hands. It was hard at first I'm not going to lie, but she proved me wrong. The first time I met her, she made a 9 hour trip alone with their oldest daughter to meet my son... his dad didn't want to come. He hasn't seen him since he was 3 and he's 7 now. I just wanted to make a point about saying put your faith in god and trust him. Don't put your feelings aside when you talk to her... tell her how you feel but let her know you are willing to work on it for the sake of the kids. As long as you're open, she'll be more comfortable with opening up as well and more willing to work with you as well. Sorry this long.. email me if you ever need to talk. :) It'll be ok.
-L.-

I am someone who has been on the other side of this because i have been the girlfriend and now i am the step mom (but a big difference here is my husband did not cheat on her with me.. but we got together about 8 months after they had been broken up).

And it is HARD to be the other woman especially when you care about the guy and his kids. I love my step son to death and his mother put me through all kids of stuff and often made situations more difficult than they needed to be because she did not want me around her son. And when i tried to meet her she completely ignored me. I always felt incredibly nervous when we would go drop him off on the weekends that we would have him.

Maybe you should look at it as you should be glad that your ex is with someone who wants to spend time with them. I know some women get jealous of the fact their signficant other had kids with someone else and wants them to forget about their children and start a new family with them.

I am not saying that this is easy.. I couldnt imagine sharing my son with another woman but if you arent with your husband anymore its bound to happen. And if you threaten him or stop his visitations you are only hurting your children by being so selfish.

It's a horrible thing to break up with the father of your kids and like I said i couldnt even imagine how hard it must be.. but at the same time you should look at the pros of the situation. He loves your kids and now someone else is there who loves your kids as well.

And who is to say that this is not healthy? If he plans on being with this woman and really cares about her than she is going to be part of the kids lifes. It would only be unhealthy if he was bringing a different girl around them every time he saw them.

IT WOULD BE UNHEALTHY TO NOT ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO SEE YOUR KIDS.. BC THAT HURTS THE KIDS! People need to get over their own selfishness and problems and FOCUS ON WHAT IS GOOD FOR THEIR KIDS.. AND THAT IS HAVING THEIR PARENTS IN THEIR LIFE. so put on your fake happy face when you drop your kids off.

Legally he is REQUIRED to provide you with a telephone number so that you can contact your kids... especially if your visitation rights are mapped out in court. You really need to see a lawyer before you let a stranger take your kids. It really sounds like he isn't even going to be there to take care of your children. Instead he is pawning them off (excuse the expression) to this woman who you don't know from Adam. Your children are his and your responsibility alone, not his new gf's and if he can't make the time to spend with them now, and it seems like he still isn't, he definitely won't later. It seems they will be spending the majority of the time with this gf and that sounds like a babysitter to me. Contact a lawyer ASAP. Good luck, hope it works out!