How Can I Make My Daugther Understand???

Hi A.!
I have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and she does the same thing. A good friend of mine (with two older children) told me about a "naughty chair." So, whenever my little angel gets angry and starts yelling, throwing things, etc..., I tell her to go to her naughty chair and scream all she wants to. While she sits there I say, "Are you angry?" She yells, "Yes!" Then I say, "Be angry...! Scream louder!" Sometimes I scream with her. Then I tell her when she is ready to not be angry any more she can get up from the naughty chair. She usually sits there less than one minute and then is fine.
Now, if she hits me...that's a different story. Then she goes to the naughty chair for 3 minutes.
Hope this helps. Let me know.
Take care!!

Toddlers can be very trying. They are exploring their world, learning new things at a rapid pace and trying to make sense of it all themselves. To top it all off, they have their own personalities that can make things even more interesting for the parents. :) Communication is very difficult because, let's face it, they speak another language than we do.

One of the best pieces of advice I got was not to make a big deal out of some of the things my toddler does. He's not trying to be bad, he's just testing his boundaries, etc. If you have a big reaction to what they're doing (ie yelling, etc), they're very likely to find that exciting or interesting and it actually reinforces the behavior you don't want. The fact is, you have no "control" over your child anymore than your mother or father has "control" over you. Probably the most effecitve thing you can do is to try and encourage the behavior you want through postiive reinforcement.

Another effective technique I have found is to try and divert my son when I see a potentially difficult situation coming on. He (and you daughter) don't fully grasp everything yet so you have to try and get them to focus on something else.

If they throwing continues, you might try firmly saying "no throwing. if you keep throwing, mommy will take the toy away." Just say it calmly but seriously. If she continues, take the toy away and put it up. If she throws a fit, just calmly explain that you know she's angry, etc. and then walk away.

I would suggest the book The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. His techniques for temper tantrums are fantastic and worked really well for us. It took a few tries, but it did work. He goes into the phases of child development at this stage and how to better understand and communicate with them. there's also a companion DVD that is really good too since it demonstrates the techniques.

Ah, two's, aren't they trying?! Not to scare you but three's for us was worse :( We have twin girls so we had double the emotional outbursts...they're almost 5 now, thank goodness!

At 2 they are learning more about 'being me and it's all about me' type of autonomy and it's normal for them to push their limits with YOU...it stinks but it's true. They are in between being a baby and a toddler and it's hard for them to understand the emotional changes in themselves, especially girls! I read that hormones change in girls around 3 and after living through it, albeit barely, I have to agree! Ours would throw, I kid you not, 2 hour tantrums sometimes b/c they would be SO worked up that they couldn't calm down!

It'll get better, or at least manageable!

D.

I feel your pain....most times the behavior is to get our attention..once they figure out the negative behavior gets a response they will continue to do the negative.....what worked best for me was to be consistant with my disciplin.....make NO mean NO.....another words if she does something that is unexceptable such as throwing things then she needs to be in time out and make it stick...don't let her get up this will be a battle the first couple of times but once she sees that you mean business then she will begin to understand that what she did was wrong.....even at 2 they have an amazing ablilty to understand right and wrong..finding their way of understanding and communcating is a challenge but will pay off in the end..stay strong and firm when you say NO and reinforce what bad behavior get in return.....once she's grasps this then you time together can be relaxed and fun.....

This is totally normal behavior, so that is a good thing! She is trying out her independence which is what she is supposed to do. You should really praise her when she is doing things that you want her to.....I know that is hard (I have three children), but she will want that from you. If you get MORE emotional about the good things and redirect/stay calm about the bad behavior she will want the more emotional reaction from you...save it for the good stuff. I know it is hard, but the 2year old and 3 year old stage is hard, no way around that. You need to keep yourself calm, take lots of deep breaths and remind yourself that is is pushing limits because that is what her brain is wired to do. You do need to keep her safe, calmly redirect, firmly say no when she is danger or dangering others.

Good luck!

time out, but time out , even if you feel bad, don't feel sorry for her, use time out 10 times per day if you have to. in weeks time , you will gradually notice the difference. no tv. no bubbles nothing just time out, not in her bedroom, she will not understand punishment in her room with her toys. i put my son in a chair by the front door. facing it. when he stops crying he comes out of time out.

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A.,

I have 6 children ranging from 4 to 17. A few of them are extremely sensitive. Two of those react to frustrations with complete anger and fits. My oldest son (now 13) was an extreme challenge. I had to really learn how to speak to him in a matter of fact tone that was not sounding irriated or angry (just the way it is type tone). Not that this completely cured him. Every time something didn't go his way he'd be upset, BUT he wouldn't listen AT ALL if I had an irrated or angry tone. If it is going to ever sink in, it has to be in a matter of fact, yet loving tone. They need to understand that what they are doing is wrong, but mom's love doesn't change. My extremely sensitive son was also one who seemed insensitive to others. He would dish out yelling and rudeness 10 fold of what he could take.

For my 4 yo, I make sure that I lift him up to my eye level (or bend down to his) and have him look me in the eye. I will then explain what I need to explain. If she is touching something you have asked her not to touch, you tell her, "Mommy has asked you not to touch that and it is very important that you listen to mommy." Make sure she is keeping eye contact. They don't do this very well so I would be constantly stopping to say, "look at mommy" (or look at mommy's eyes). I would also ask her to repeat what you just said and maybe add in, "now what are you going to do?"

This is not saying that from then on she'll never do it again. At this age their attention span is short so she may forget again the next day or hours later. You just repeat the process. If you see her touching the item later on you can say somthing like, "oh! Remember what we talked about earlier about you touching that? What did you tell mommy you were going to do?" If she forgot, gently remind her and ask her to repeat what you said again. If she remembers, that is good. It means it is in her long term memory but she just forgot at that moment and you helped her to remember.

For sensitive children, tone of voice and facial expression has a lot to do with how effective you are with them. You don't want to give a facial expression that is gleeful where they think you're not serious either, but an angry one will shut them off to listening.

Remember that we can get overloaded with life too and sometimes it is hard to keep that calmness. I can lose my patience and sound irritated. I can see right away that my response only made things worse though. If I can gather myself, I will apologize for reacting as I did, but remind them in a better tone what they did wrong. No one is a perfect mommy that says everything just right all the time. Don't beat yourself up for getting frustrated. Children are challenging. I feel like I could have my psychology degree after I'm done raising my kids.

M.

You can't make her understand right now. She has to figure it out herself, and that's what she's doing right now. She's also figuring out how to handle you as you do the same with her. Try not to react so much to everything, and she may give up trying to push your buttons. She's trying to find her way, and your job as her parent is to guide her.

Welcome to the wonderful world of 2-yr-olds. It's a rough year, but you will get through it!
Several friends and I who have kids between age 1 and 5 are having the same struggles you are, and we're all looking for a better way to handle ourselves and our kids. So, I've done some research and found someone locally who is trained to teach parents how to use "Love and Logic" parenting techniques. There will be a Love and Logic parenting class geared towards families with kids from birth to age 6 on November 11 at Grace Temple Baptist Church in Denton. Email me at ____@____.com and I can send you class and registration information.

When my daughter was 2 1/2 and I was at my wits end, I read the book "Parenting with love and logic" and it changed my perspective on parenting a child this age. One idea is that you give her control in a few areas in order to maintain it in the important areas. Another idea is to have so much fun with her that she WANTS to be with you and obey you. It's a different mindset towards parenting from what I was raised with, but it has been really, REALLY effective with my daughter over the past 6 months or so that I've been putting it in practice (or at least trying to!).

You can start by giving her little choices (but never more than 2 choices at once). "We're having cereal for breakfast! Would you like yours in a blue bowl or a pink one?" When you're trying to get out the door say "It's time to go. I think I will walk to the door. Would you like to push the button to open the garage or shall I push it this time?"
"Do you want to wear your coat or carry it with you?"

There's also something they talk about called an "enforceable statement" that I'm still learning about. This is what I hope to learn more about from the class.

I hope you can come to the class. I really think it will help save your sanity!

Oh, and you can find out more about Love and Logic at www.loveandlogic.com

A.,
My lil' girl (22 months) has started to show these same behaviors, however we have curbed it quite quickly using the techniques in "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. We watch the DVD (got it from our subscription with Blockbuster Online) which demonstrates what he describes in the book. It is a short DVD--maybe 40 minutes---but has really helped. We do use time out as well, mainly for aggressive behaviors.

K.

I started a reward system at that age where my daughter earned tokens for doing stuff like putting on her pajamas herself etc. and got to pick a suprise out of a bag when she got to a certain number (usually weekly). Then I used that to help her control herself by telling her I would have to take a token if she could not do whatever. This was a good addition to the other normal consequences you can do like a timeout. If you have your consequences lined up and ready, you won't have to yell. Also, count before giving the consequence since at that age they can't comply immediately. They need time to control themselves. Also, read Love & Logic to get rid of yelling. Good luck!

Not that you're not hating life right now as it is but...3's for us were tons and I mean TONS worse. My best advice to you is "pick your battles" Good luck!!

This is so normal. They don't call it the terrible two's for nothing! Both of mine went through this. For me age 3 was worse. I have a friend that calls it the Terrible Two's, the Trying Threes and the Freaking Fours. That has been my experience thus far with both of my boys (who are now ages 4 and 7). Tantrum's now turn into tantrums with words when they can talk! We are very hard on them in the discipline area. Both are extremely opposite personalities too. It's a child's job to test and show some of his/her independence. I had to accept that I couldn't control everything. That's a tough one, but you need to find out what incents her (positively and/or negatively). We would praise and reward for good behavior and for bad behavior, well I can't tell you how many times we left somewhere fun etc. It only took a couple of times of that.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

Time out works wonders! My daughter has a 2 year old who is very stubborn and like she already has a mind of her own. Putting her in time out has worked wonders for her! She just sits her in a chair or on her bed and makes her stay there until she calms down, says sorry and she will stop. You should NEVER react to a temper tantrum or they will always do it. Just turn around and go in the other room; when they don't get the attention they will stop. Hope this helps, T.