Spanking a One Year Old

When my kids both tried their one and only temper tantrum, I literally walked away without acknowledging them. With my daughter, it was at home, and she would follow me into anothr room, throw herself on the ground, I'd walk away, she'd follow me, repeat, repeat.....until she just gave up. The whole time, I just stood there reading a book, not looking at her. After a few rooms, I did go into the bathroom and shut/lock the door. She was MAD, but learned that when she does that, nothing happens, so she didn't do it again really. She tried, but as soon as I pulled out the book and walked away, she was giving up. with my son, we were at a store, and I said "come on" and walked away. I would stop by a product and pretend I was reading it, then walk a few mroe feet, and eventually he stopped, got up, and ran after me. When he got to me, I just pretended like nothing happened. With him, he never ever tried to throw another one.

is he tired or hungry when he does this? bet he is. try to feed him and then put him down for a nap. I bet he resolves this by himself and I am a spanker but definately try this first.

I have five children between the ages of 8 and five months. Let me offer you a "welcome to toddlerhood" high-five. This behavior is completely and totally, 100% normal for his age. A series I would suggest is called "Your ____ Year Old" by Ames and Ilg. If you pick up a copy of "Your One Year Old" I bet you'll read it and think a spy has been living in your house. Sometimes it can be enormously comforting to know that this is nothing you've done "wrong", it's just how they're developmentally wired.

I can tell you that in all honesty, so long as you aren't rushing around to cater to his every whim, that you aren't caving in and giving him whatever he wants when he demonstrates frustration, he will outgrow it without you having to "correct" it out of him. Spanking him is your choice, and spanking can certainly work. Re-directing him can also work. Ignoring in certain situations can also work. Pretty much anything done with relative consistency can work.

The more kids I have, each with their own unique personality and set of challenges--- the more I realize exactly what is simply age-related behavior that will pass with time (and no need to stress on my part) and what is beyond normal and needs more intensive direction. I can promise you that your son, when he is 5, will not act like he does when he one, because he goes through the process of maturity. It is why they don't come out of the womb a walking, talking, grown up and why we get almost two decades to help them work out the kinks :)

I have a vivid memory of my now three year old daughter's very first meltdown. She was the mellowest baby on the planet. In fact I marveled to the world how I had managed to finally get such an easy going baby. She was 16 months old and we were in Best Buy and she had grabbed a Showgirl DVD off the shelf. I made her put it back and she THREW herself on the floor, SCREAMED, ROLLED, pounded her fists....and I remember the very first thought to pop into my head as I watched her demonstration of frustration was "Sigh. Didn't I just do this? Man, I thought I would have more time! I feel like it was only yesterday and now it's here again!"

Does that mean you abdicate parenting? Of course not. :) But I'm here to tell you that you really can't control your son. If you think because you won't tolerate ________ that it means he won't do it.....well, he will. And you cannot control him. You can't "make" him potty-train, you can't make him eat food he doesn't want to eat, you can't make him sleep, you can't make him not scream, or not throw a tantrum. That degree of control will never happen and expecting it will only frustrate you and him. We are parents and it our job and responsibility to teach our children the values we think are important, the behavior we expect, and how to interact with the world at large but ultimately when it comes down to the rubber-meeting-the-road, only they determine how they will act, what words will come out of their mouths, what they will do with their bodies. The faster that is realized, the more you are able to set the both of you up for behavioral success and you are able to be most effective.

You can set boundaries. Boundaries about what *you* will do, or not do. You can maintain boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior, but boundaries recognize that you can't actually control whether your child demonstrates that behavior or not, only what *your* response will be when and if your boundaries are violated.

How do I work with my littles? It all depends on the scenario, the child, the context. First off,what is your boundary (and remember the boundary is about something you control)? How is that boundary being violated? The solutions then stem from those questions.

For example--- I have a boundary that this computer is mommy's computer only. It's mine. For a one year old that is coming up to push buttons on my computer, I enforce the boundary by redirecting the child "Not for ______ (insert child's name") and moving them. A tantrum over that is handled with a calm reflection of their feeling "Oh, that's frustrating!". I don't give in, but I acknowledge and move on. They are allowed to have their feelings, just like I am, and I demonstrate that I am bigger than their big feelings by remaining very calm and out-waiting them until they're done. If they continue to run back in to touch the computer, then they're gated off and not given access to that room. Or, they're put in the playpen for a while if a gate isn't accessible and I need to do something other than chase them from the computer room every 2 seconds. Mine have never been big fans of the playpen. They might have a tantrum about it. I reflect feelings and do what I need to do.

At two they would get a little bit more of a direct "No touch! This is mommy's" and pretty much the above scenario. I sometimes move my keyboard higher so it's not even an issue I need to fight.

By three and four, the consequence for touching my computer is having to have to stay next to me for the remainder of the day or directly in my line of sight.

But you know what? It's a very, very rare issue beyond the age of two. Once they develop out of the motor-driven impulsivity of the toddler-age, they are able to meet the boundary without my constant enforcement. They know the rule and as they mature into the capacity to follow the rule without my assistance, they do so. With constant modeling and instruction in appropriate behavior, as they are able to assimilate that behavior then they internalize it and use it. When they have the words and have been coached on a more acceptable way to express their frustration, then they do it. Rolling, kicking screaming tantrums on the floor give way to just screaming, and that gives way to "I'm so angry! I wanted a cookie and you said no and that makes me upset!".

All of the skills we want to teach them need to be actively taught, and that takes time, a lot of practice, and a lot of patience. Always, I ask myself "What do I want my children to learn? What is age-appropriate? How do I work to teach them this skill at this age?" When I create boundaries, I ask myself "How do I want to reinforce this boundary when it is broken?" In short, it's a mindset. It is not the only way to parent and I certainly don't throw myself up there as an expert, I ultimately parent this way because I like what it does for my relationship with my children, I like that it eliminates a lot of frustration, a lot of stress, and it's working.

I'm sure you're doing a great job with your son! Best of luck!

Think about how long he has been on this earth and how far he has come. Now imagine he cannot communicate his feelings (which he does not even understand) and others are always telling him what he can and cannot do.

When he is tired, frustrated, angry, hungry, he does not really have a concrete way of letting you know this, but you are his mom and you should know!
No not really, but in his mind he thinks you should.. You have in the past..

This is why he throws a fit, cause he cannot get what he wants or needs. You thought he was cute when he rolled over, when he babbled, why do you not think it is cute for him to climb on the furniture with a sharpie?
Or Climb up the stairs unassisted? Or throw his food on the floor?

What you can do is help him by redirecting his attention. Giving him the words for what he is feeling. "I know you are frustrated, because you cannot climb on the fireplace, but you can come over here and climb on your slide.

"I know you want this cookie, but it is not cookie time, you can have some goldfish."

"You seem angry, can I hold you?"

This is what goes on all day long with 1 year olds. It is an all day one sided conversation till your child can "use his words."

Be prepared for trips outside to have a drink, snack and be willing to go back inside if he has a melt down. Same with a trip to the store. Take the snack and juice in your purse, make sure he is well rested and has some distractions that you can provide. Speak with him the entire time and engage him. "Do we want Wheat bread or raisin bread? Do we want apples? Or oranges? Where are the potatoes? If he looses it, pick him up and take him outside. Decide if you need to go back home or if he just needs a moment to calm down."

There may be a time when you just will not be able to take him anywhere for very long. His attention span is equal with his age. He is 1 so his attention span is 1 minute. Be prepared to deal with this.
Do you have a book that has developmental stages? It will really help you understand where he is and what to expect next..

I am sending you strength and patience.

He is too young to remember swatting consistently, or understand it, even if it worked in this case. You are going to be in serious trouble if you can't find better methods now while he's still this easy. What he's going through is normal.

It will only get stronger as he gets older, and you need to get your head around the fact now. He is throwing a fit to get you to give in and give him at least attention (spanking) if he can't have his way. So in a way it's also giving him what he wants.

You need to ignore the extremes to minimize them, and as much as possible, you need to redirect this child to something okay rather than assuming a 1 year old will consistently respond to no. Distract him with something interesting, or a totally different location with new distractions. If it goes to all out fit, turn your back and let it run acting like you don't care until the vehemence has stopped escalating and then offer him a hug once he's coming back down, and an alternate distraction.

Check out the Love and Logic discipline - there are books for different age groups - there's one specifically for toddlers that might be helpful. It is very focused on helping children to make the best choices possible as early as possible. Kids are very smart, though they are "new" at this thing we call life :) You can also find them online, and sometimes there are local instructors that give classes on this parenting style.

There is very little that toddlers can control in their world, and that makes them very frustrated. Also, as they move into their 2nd year, their brains are working more - they can understand a lot, but they can't really communicate much, which is REALLY frustrating. Image being in a foreign country where you can pretty much understand people, but they can't understand you! Yuck! There are some great books on baby sign language that can be a HUGE help for little ones cause it helps them ask for things that are important to them. There's some evidence that it can improve thier ability to communicate as they learn to talk because with the sign language, they can use language concepts before they're able to actually speak. When they start talking, they stop using the sign language.

I really don't mean this in a mean way... but try getting a book, on child development. A good one is "What To Expect: The Toddler Years"... which you can find anywhere or online. Without understanding child development... every normal developmental change in him.. will probably be something you "will not tolerate."

The thing is, this is only the beginning... of how a child unfolds and develops. A kid could grow up in a cave high on a mountain, and they still would go through developmental difficulties and growing pains...which a parent will either understand or not or try to change or accept or evolve with.

He is only 1. At each age juncture, at each year, at each milestone change, at each cognitive change, at each growth-spurt.... at each development of their emotions and sense of identity... it changes and other challenges and difficulties arise. REGARDLESS of if a child is raised in a strict boot-camp or in an all natural commune in nature and among creativity.

So, the KEY thing is as well: HOW the parent "chooses" to react to their child... because, how a parent chooses to react, WILL SHAPE the child... either by censoring them or not and helping them to learn discernment and emotional growth or not, and how to be an individual or not etc.

This is only the beginning... of how a child forms.
Like a rock collecting moss.... their whole childhood.
Be aware of child development and age-appropriateness.... in TANDEM with Adult "expectations" upon a child and how it can either be helpful or totally misplaced and not helpful for the child.
If child development is not understood... then a parent will often always be very disappointed or continually frustrated with their child... and the child will be frustrated with the parent too.... never being able to be what the parent wants.

Also know the difference between: a deliberate naughtiness of the child... or the child just being a child and it being an innocent mistake or the child not even "knowing" something. VERY big difference.

- reprimanding a child for every little thing or every little annoyance, warranted or not, can lead to stunted developmental growth of a child. As much as just neglecting a child and letting them do anything they want. So... it takes real keen eyes and mindfulness... to know, that reprimanding for every little thing will NOT necessarily make a child more compliant.... or better. So gauge what you punish for, pick your battles...

all the best,
Susan

Rene H. and Laurie A. both say it so well. They describe the approach I used with my daughter when she was between 1 and 3. It worked well, and I never had to swat her for being a young child. (I did swat her twice only, when she was on the verge of doing something dangerous, and I wanted to be sure I had her attention. But never for discipline – it wasn't necessary.)

A firm voice and redirection are generally the best forms of reprimand. I always found it even better to empathize with a child, to help her find words for what she was experiencing. She learned, gradually, to trust that I was always on her side. I also learned, gradually, to anticipate problem areas and have alternatives in place to distract her into a happier state of mind. Or realize she needed rest or nourishment.

Some kids respond very poorly to spanking, at any age. I was spanked often as a child, and recall on a number of occasions where it was just clearly unfair, at least from my youthful point of view. And even now at 62, the shaming/injustice/lack of compassion in those memories makes my face burn, with disgust and anger at my disciplinarian mom. I'm sure she meant well, and was doing the best she could. But we do not have a comfortable relationship, although I suck it up and give her whatever actual assistance she needs now that she's aging. But I don't think I will ever "love" her. Those memories, and many others about her control and strictness, are still deeply rooted in my bones.

In my opinion, spanking is not the answer.
Ignore the tantrums.
He's not a "baby" anymore. He's getting ideas and free will. That's overall a good thing, although trying for parents. Parents need to adjust and grow during these times as well. Good luck.

I started putting my son in his pack and play for a 1 minute time out at this age. ( I have rarely had to do this with my daughter who is 16 months). Use a short sentence to tell him why ("No cat box" was one of the first in our house). If he is having a tantrum just because he is frustrated name the feeling (angry, frustrated, etc.) and let him finish his tantrum in the pack and play. If my son was getting me angry too I would leave the room for a minute with him in a safe place. I won't say I haven't spanked...but I try to use something else first whenever I can.

Behavior like your son's is typical for his age and even older. It is usually because they do not have the means to communicate their wants and needs. Have you tried some baby sign language? This might help. If the behavior is because your "perfect" baby is being willful, then make sure you choose your battles or you will drive yourself crazy and possibley consider doing something you really don't want to do. Also, I found that certain things would trigger my son, such as too long in grocery store, situations with too many people, too much noise, not getting enough sleep. Ever wonder why there are tons of kids laying on the floor or screaming from the carts in Wal-Mart? Overstimulation...
Best of luck,
S.

I spanked my son at one and i still do and he is now four. i don;t beat him but i get those legs and behind! And it does the job and he can tell from my tone of voice if he's getting a whooping or not. He knows that when i have to repeat myself about something that i have told him in the past it's that time! I will not have my child acting a fool on me. And I personally feel that if you discipline your children young and they know that you are not for the nonsense when they get older hopefully they can grow into respectful, hard working, law abiding citizens. I will not have my son telling me to shut up, or acting a fool in public, throwing himself on the floor at home or while we are out. I love my son more then anything in the world and refuse to have my son telling what to do, or to shut up or any of that other crazyness. I am his MOTHER FIRST AND HIS FRIEND SECOND! I hope that you cna come to a conclusion on your situation. But i don't feel that you are wrong. good luck.

Sounds like you had an idyllic first year with your son! Write that down in the baby book so you don't forget! But these kids keep changing... :)

Everyone has different opinions about discipline and/or punishment -- this has been debated millions of times over. However, the most important thing for any of us to understand is the capability of our children at their current age.

At age 1, your son does not have any understanding of the "cause and effect" concept. If he does "X," Mommy will feel "Y" (angry, upset, etc.) During this year, he will begin to explore his toys and one day it will dawn on him that when he pushes a button, a sound is made, etc. However, this is a concrete example. Your feelings about his actions are completely abstract, which will not register for a while.

Your best tools right now are to distract him or redirect his attention. As he gets much closer to 2, you can begin to introduce time-outs, although he won't really understand it at first. At age 3, you can begin to take away or withhold privileges. And "Ignore!" is the most powerful tool you have when it comes to tantrums. (Although, he'll go through phases when he'll "up his tantrum" see if he can get your attention. Stay strong!)

However, throughout all these stages, you should be using huge amounts of positive attention and reinforcement when your son is acting the way you prefer. Find his "currency" (i.e., stop what you are doing and pick him up and toss him in the air, praising him; give him a sticker to wear on his shirt; give him a stamp on the hand; etc.) and lavish it on him to help him learn the connection between his good behavior and your praise/attention. This is almost more important, at his current age, than which type of punishments you select.

The last piece of advice I can give you is to realize that, even though you used to look down on children misbehaving in public, most of the Moms in the "audience" usually have some level of sympathy for the Mom. Anyone who has a child over age 2 has been there, and you will probably not be publicly persecuted. At least, not by other nice Moms. :)

Try watching/reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block (check to see if your library has it or can get it - I've only watched the video/DVD). My husband has used the technique with my son. Basically, when your son is throwing a tantrum (especially at home), throw a tantrum yourself, using the words that he would like to use if he could talk. For example, get down on the floor and kick and scream like he does, but also say something like "I know you really want to have that cookie, but it is almost dinner time; you can have it afterwards" - use your best whiny voice while saying it.

And spanking just teaches kids that hitting is ok. There is also research that shows that it creates bullies and lowers their IQ.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090924231749...

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE63B2XR20100412

Good job seeking advice on this. Kids do whatever is modeled in front of them. You will see, when he really starts talking with a full vocabulary, he'll say the things he hears you say all of the time. that's why it's so funny and entertaining when they are 2-3 and begin to say the things they've only been able to internalize for so long. Anyway this same concept applies to behavior. So my theory is that spanking only teaches the child to hit when someone does something they don't like. And are you really addressing the problem? No. It's a cop out, a way for the frustrated parent to vent frustration at the expense of the baby. As parents we need to take the time to fully understand what brought on the tantrum, and find the most appropriate course of action for your kid when they happen. Every kid is different, there's no manual on tantrums that works for every kid. In my experience, ignoring does work wonders. And make sure that he's not hungry, thirsty or tired. Sometimes they just want you to get down on the floor and play - sounds silly to say, but often times we are so busy doing what we need to do around the house that we need to chill out and sit down and play.

Good luck, you're getting lots of good advice on here. Also, talk to your pediatrician about this - they can often give wonderful behavioral advice.

IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE! Don't pay any attention to tantrums. When my daughter tried to throw her first tantrum I ignored it and she got up off the floor and came over to me and said, "Mommy, I crying!" It was hilarious. Another time I left the room and she literally fell asleep on the floor. She soon realized she got nothing for it and stopped. You might also make sure he's getting enough sleep. I find my daughter's behavior is seriously worse if she's not sleeping well.

Frustrating yes but perfectly normal for his age. He has no way of communicating with you expect for screeching and throwing himself to the floor when he does not get what he wants. If we are at home and my little one does this I just walk away and ignore her , obviously you can't do this when you are in a store so I just pick her up and carry her kicking & screaming while saying nothing or strap her into the stroller and still ignore until she stops , then I tell her what a good girl she is for calming down. The PP suggested maybe getting a book , that is quite a good idea , so you can read up on what to expect from each stage , check your local library they may have some good books. Usually around 18 months they start getting a few words into there vocabulary so communication becomes somewhat easier , but also around 18 months is when some seperation anxiety can set in , so be prepared for your son crying if you leave the room (even to use the bathroom with kids). Just be sure to be consistent with what you call acceptable and unacceptable behaviour , with the tantrum just say "no" in a firm tone and he will soon learn that he cannot scream and throw himself around to get what he wants. Raising your voice , getting mad and even spanking is not good , especially in a 1 yr old as this is perfectly normal behaviour , he's not being naughty as he doesn't know how to yet , he's learning just like you are learning how to raise a child , and what comes with each stage , this is a fun age so enjoy it while it lasts , you will look back at this time with fond memories.

If you don't want to resort to spanking, trust that instinct. Encourage your one year old to use his words (or begin to use his words) and encourage yourself to have patients with him. I know that it's easier said than done. No one is going to judge you if your baby is having a melt-down-- all of us have been there. If you resort to spanking a baby now because he's having a tantrum, what happens when he's 4, 8 or 16? I agree with other posters (the ones who are anti-spanking) that books will be helpful in helping you understand your little one's developmental stages-- we liked the Dr. Sears Baby Book. Maybe then you can enjoy the stage that your baby is at now and be excited for the stages to come vs. longing for the stages that have already past. It sounds like your baby is right on track and gaining his independence- isn't that a good thing?

Good luck!

One is pretty early for spankings, but definitely not too early for discipline. I do believe in spanking, but as a last ditch effort. I may not be the most insightful prsn to ask about this situation because my daughter never went through this phase. She has never fell out or had a tantrum, and like you stated that is unacceptable behavior that needs to be snipped and clipped asap. If you are a pushover, then your child will run all over you, but if you are too harsh then you run the risk of creating an antagonistic relationship between you and your son. Whenever my daughter even thought about misbehaving I would try to talk to her first, tell her no in a firm voice w/o yelling and try redirection. I was and will never be one of those moms that lets their child dictate to them how the day will go. Start off the day happy, end happy! Not sure how much time you have with your child, but I was a stay at home mom for the first1.5 yrs so I developed a strong bond with my daughter that continues now and she will be 10 yrs old later this year. Overall, I think how you deal with your son now sets the tone for your relationship in the future. Every child is born w/a certain type of predisposition, so learning his personality as it grows and develops will give you a key as to how to deal w/good and bad behavior on his part. good luck w/the little guy!

Hi K.
My son used to do this for about a year and a half , also since 1.
The idea is to make him stop asap.We tried ignoring him , then spanking.Didn't work.Then the surprise element.....Dad used to throw himself on the floor , nxt to the child , and roll around and scream loudly and hideously ....to everyone's disgust / amusement....The child would be so surprised , he'd stop , and forget what he was fussing about in the first place.Family members especially would give dad so mush attention doing this , the child just dried up and carried on playing.I also sprayed him with ice-cold water , only a few times , or when he was really going on , i'd stick him uder a cold tap - just an arm / leg .The shock fm the cold water did far less damage than he did to himself rolling around and bumping his head out of rage.....Whatever you do , surprise him.My second child also did the same , and i'd given up on the idea that you can teach them not to do this.I think it's just a phase , and they have to go through it - you just need someway to make them stop ASAP....PS : Do not do the water thing in front of m- in - l ........ :) :) Hope it helps.....