My Sister-in-Law is getting ready to go through a divorce for lots of reasons, but the straw that broke the back was finding out he has been cheating on her. I don't know how to help or what to say to her. We live thousands of miles apart, but I want to do whatever I can for her. Does anyone have any suggestions?
She will still be part of my family it is my husbands sister, so we will still be together. She is a psychologist so she has all the books, I am just at a loss as to what to say to her.
Thank you for the great advice, it really helps what to say and what not to say to her. I really appreciate all the feedback.
You can send her a plane ticket or a voucher or something to come and visit you guys. You can make it open-ended, in the amount that it usually costs to fly to visit you guys. Tell her it's always there if she needs to get away.
Talk, listen, visit if you can, offer her your place for a getaway after the dust settles.
Try NOT to rip on her husband, and don't join in on her ripping of him (if she does)--no positive can come from that, right? Just respond with "That would upset me, too." or "Well what he said was insensitive." etc.
There isn't terribly much you can do living so far apart. You could send her a thinking of you card and a little care package of things for her. Like some girly things and tell her to remember to take care of herself. Does she have kids? Can put coloring books and things in there too for them if she does.
Just be supportive by calling her and letting her talk it out and just letting her know that you are there for her. She will probably appreciate that in itself.
Just be there for her for the next few months. Call often to see how she is doing. She might just need to cry and vent and just knowing that you are willing to listen would be enough to know that you really do care. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do when you live so far apart. Send her "care packages" just to let her know you are thinking of her too... she will love that! Doesnt have to be anything expensive.. maybe some gum, candy and a good book.... come up with some really cute and inexpensive ideas! Good luck!
Be supportive. Keep in touch. Be the voice of reason and sounding board when you can. Send her small gifts and words of encouragement at random times. You don't know when she will need the extra added pick me ups.
Just let her know you care about her even though she will no longer be married into the family. That's what one of my aunts did when my mother and father divorced. She never made it seem like my mom was the bad guy. My father's other siblings were much less gracious to my mother. I never appreciated that from them. They were all cordial to her after they discovered for themselves the truth about my dad and his ways. Part of me felt like that was a little too late.
At least he didn't ask for an open marriage...
Seriously - humor lifts the spirit. And she has all the books already - so whattya you gonna say that's better or more insightful?
Just let her know you are there for her. I also suggest letting her bring up the subject if its what she wants to talk about. Some people just get tired of their impending divorce being the topic of conversation. Involve her in your life as much as possible with regular "update on the family" type calls. Best of luck to her as divorce is never easy!!
Maybe just a simple "thinking of you" card or gift and letting her know you're there for her.
I see you received so many good answers for your thoughtful question.
Like they say, its not so much what you can say to her, more than calling to "check in on her" and letting her talk about anything she wants.
So many times, people can say the really wrong thing. Please be careful about choosing one of those phrases. Even the one about "take care of yourself" was one that bothered me when my late husband had a terminal cancer that couldn't be cured. (There is no time to "take care of yourself" as you're too busy taking care of them, protecting them. I liked my friend's way best when he'd ask about what was next on our plate, then see if anything on that list were things he could help with or be supportive in. So much better than "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help." I don't know what they can do, are willing to do, or have connections to things that could have helped.
I had to laugh to myself when I heard that my sister-in-law took people up on their "generalized offers to help" following the sudden death of her husband. She asked them to come help her paint the exterior of her house. (Needless to say, that didn't go over very well as they were thinking about casseroles, retail therapy, company, etc)
There's nothing you really can say, but just a few thoughts on what not to say (as a psychologist too)...
- Anything along the lines of "it's about time" or "I'm not surprised"
- Bashing him/ their marriage
- Invalidating her emotions... not intentionally, but you would be surprised how quickly someone will stop talking if you marginalize what they are feeling in an effort to make them feel better or "see the bright side".
People going through a divorce (even a long overdue one) need to go through a period of mourning. They need to grieve the loss of a partner, family structure and their own perceived failure.
The best thing you could really do is call randomly and often. You don't need to say anything... just start with "I was thinking about you today. How's it going?" She'll lead the conversation from there.
Cards randomly are great too! If you can swing it, a visit from her family would probably really brighten her mood. If you can't, then just keep the communication open and frequent.
When I went thru my divorce, I felt like I didn't know anyone that "got it". I just wanted to vent...over and over and over. I just wanted to tell someone over and over what a butt head he was, how shocked and disappointed I was, etc. So just call her and let her talk, even tho you have heard it 500 times already, it will really help her. And don't "agree" with what a butt head he is, but say things like "I understand"...a lot. She needs to feel like she has support and people "get it". I think that would have helped me the most. But instead, I went in shut down mode for several months until I finally pulled myself out of it. But it takes some time and good friends and family helps. =)
Maybe some self help books or videos about dealing with divorce?
Let her vent.
When I got divorced I felt that everyone left me. Make sure she knows you will always be her friend and that you love her.
Tell her that you will be there for her no matter what.
Let her know that you are available anytime to talk if needed.
Send her something from flowers.com to cheer her up.
If you can pay her a visit, tell her that you are only a phone call
away from the next flight out.
There may not be alot of words for her, but letting her know that
you will listen and comfort by any means necessary can be great.
Also tell her that you will stand by her side and support her in any decision she makes.
