My son is 4 and a half. I am having a very hard time getting through to him, especially when it involves other's feelings/actions. I am not under the impression that his is intentionally selfish, moreover that he is either oblivious to other people's needs/emotions or simply does not understand how or why they should affect him.
For example, telling him to share with a friend to make the friend feel better isn't a reason to him. Telling him to share so that he himself is not in trouble is the motivation. Very much a what's in it for me kind of thinking.
He does not seem to care if others are crying (only in that the noise bugs him) or happy or whatnot. If someone says "ow" he does not often react to see what is wrong or say sorry if he caused it - usually by accident - and I have to say to him "mommy said ow. why do you think i said that? what should you say?" Or he may hear the person say it and ask why, not realizing that the fact he just stepped on them could be connected. I even try to be overly dramatic sometimes to make a point and that doesn't often work.
Today he poked the dog in the eye. Not on purpose, but certainly not trying to avoid the eyes, either. So I made a big deal of crying as if the dog was hurt (he wasn't, but of course could have been) and even said if he couldn't be nice to our animals they might have to go away (ok, i know that was uncalled for; heat of the moment bad decision). his reaction? "mom, my train track isn't fitting together right." The track was on the other side of the room, he wasn't actively playing with it, it just caught his attention. My tears and a mis-guided threat to lose the dog did not. WTH?
If I tell him I am going to get or do something (like pee), have him repeat what I said (not just ask did you hear me) and then walk away, he immediately starts to talk to me/call me to do something/need my assistance. Then I say, "What is mommy doing right now?" He will answer correctly, "Pottying." But then not grasp that it means I am not available at that moment. It's like the fact that I am peeing is mutually exclusive to how I should interact with him. Does that make sense? Hard to explain.
One of my favorite parts of the day is bedtime where I tell him all the good choices he made that day, how much fun I had with him, what we are doing the next day and how much I love him. Sadly, he often spends this time talking over me about a bug he sees, trying to climb on me, pushing away to sneak in one last toy. I don't know if he is hearing any of it and it makes my heart hurt to think he is missing my nice words and won't know how much I like being with him and doesn't care enough to share them with me. He is loving and snuggly...on his own terms.
However, you can be damn sure that if he says "ow" or needs something, feels something, etc, the whole world should be ready to pay attention.
Selfish/self-centered? Just an age/phase thing? He's been like this pretty much his whole life. We don't attend to his every whim and practice consistent discipline when needed, but it seems no amount of reminding there are other people in the world - that don't want to be interrupted when speaking, have valid feelings, have other interests or things to do, etc. - does any good. He has an OT for sensory issues so I know part of the battle is cutting through the clutter to get his attention, but once I have it, it still doesn't seem to register.
So if it is sensory related, any tips SPD moms?
I do suspect he has a capital letter diagnosis coming.
I was wondering about autism spectrum, because my understanding is that folks affected by it have issues with what you are describing--social cues, empathy, etc.
I am not familiar with whether or not sensory issues include those components. But it might be worth asking.
Who know because young kids are strange creatures to begin with.
What you describe is perfectly normal for my kids but they all have a capital letter diagnosis. (ya know, ADHD and the like) It is not that they don't care or listen, it is just the info is tucked somewhere and isn't visible to their conscious mind. The interrupting and internal focus is you know if you try to pay attention to what someone is saying you will forget what you wanted to say by the time they are done....and yes, it is gone forever until the next time the plants align.
Of all the things that come with ADHD the random memory has to be the most annoying to both the person with ADHD and the world around them. Thankfully as you get older you learn to compensate but four is young.
Not saying you son has a capital letter disorder but it would fit.
One of my kids has sensory issues to the point it is addressed, that doesn't drive this behavior. The thing with kids and adults with ADHD is the why is very important. This may sound strange but if I understand the why I can remember why I should do something. If I don't understand the why it is just white noise to me. Oh, I have ADHD as well so I have a pretty good handle on what drives me. :)
So like with the sharing, there is a very obvious why. If you don't share then that person has no reason to share with you if you want something they have. It is a very universal concept, all my kids got it. Even the ones that didn't get it with words figured it out quick when they asked someone to share with them. Just a simple, see how you want them to share with you....ohhhhhhhh.
I was thinking sensory with some social awareness issues thrown in, or possibly ADD or a combination. It's unlikely he would get a diagnosis only for Sensory Integration Disorder... it's typically a comorbid diagnosis with something or a couple of other somethings.
For my middle daughter, it's Sensory Integration Disorder, Autism, ADD, learning delays, speech delays, etc. but the main alphabet soup is SID, ASD, and ADD.
My oldest son is like this. We actually had to teach him empathy. He just didn't "get it" on his own. The only "letters" he has are inattentive ADD. All of my kids were fond of ignoring me at that age too, so it is a developmental phase to act like they don't hear you.
i guess i'm going to disagree a bit...but my son doesn't have a "capital letter diagnosis" either. imo, four year olds are selfish creatures. children in general are. i never worried about my son's motivation - i worked with him on his level. kind of backwards from what you're talking about. if he needed the threat of getting in trouble in order to do the right thing, that's ok. most kids don't WANT to share out of the kindness of their hearts. you teach them that they SHOULD share, and then worry about the "whys" of it later. my son is 5 1/2 going on 6 and he gets it now. but i'm not sure he did at 4. he did it cuz mom told him to. sounds to me all part and parcel with the whole parenting gig. i wouldn't try to command his attention and behavior unless you have to - example, at bedtime, spend it listening rather than talking. it almost sounds to me like he is being molded into something he's not. give him a chance to be a wonderful HIM as well as what you'd like him to be.
My son was treated from age 2 for Sensory Integration Disorder and he also struggled with empathy. I think it's part of their survival technique .. focusing in on one thing and trying to shut down the overload.
I found it most helpful just to talk him through it 'your friend is crying because you took the toy from him/her, you need to give it back now and say you are sorry.' Don't force or make him comply with the 'sorry' or showing empathy at the time, you are just educating him so he can file it away.
My son is six now, but we went through some horrible years, he busted my lip one day when he was having a fit and I was crying in real pain and sadness and he acted as if he could care less. At 6 now, we still have struggles, and I think he still reacts strange to other people sometimes, but he has got beyond most of his sensory issues and picked up on enough empathy to interact and work well with other kids, so hang in there..
Also, regardless of what diagnosis he may or may not have someday, he absolutely is hearing what you say at bedtime. We can't process two conversations at the same time, but he probably can .. that's part of his challenge. Some day years from now he'll quote something you said during bedtime and you'll be amazed that he was actually there when you thought he wasn't.
Until I read the last line of your question, I was thinking "this sounds exactly like a sensory issue." Then I read you last line and thought, "...and she answered her own question."
It sounds like you are trying to teach him lessons in compassion and empathy. That is admirable and shows you are trying to reach into that little brain to get him to think of others. Some kids seem to get that right away while others struggle with it.
It seems like he is an only child from what you wrote. If that is so, it is easy for an only child to be more on the self centered side. If he does have siblings, then he may just have a stronger tendency to be more self absorbed. Keep working at it but be patient. Once he goes to school he will be required to work with other students and will learn a lot. I am student teaching kindergarten right now and have a couple students simular to your son. They will have to adjust to new ways but part of it is his personality. Funny how we have kids but how we cannot control their personalities. : )
