What Impacts Does Autism Have on Siblings?

Hi J.,
I can sympathize with your completely legitimate concerns about your own son! I am the mother of 3, my oldest of which has sensory perception disorder due to a small genetic deletion, (not autism, but displays some similar behaviors that you described). So, I am on both ends~ one child with similar issues, and two without that sometimes have to deal with their sister's inapropriate and high maintainance issues. She (my oldest) unintentionally demands MOST of my attention at most times, and that is both frustrating for myself and the rest of my family. She is so sweet, loving and smart and I wouldn't change a thing about her. I know that my other 2 (ages 2 1/2 and 1) probably do feel a bit left out even though I include them as much as possible. I can only believe that they will grow up more compassionate and understanding of situations such as these. There is most likely nothing you can do given the possibility of your ex marrying the boy's mother, so my advice is to open your heart and take things as they come. Nurture your own son as best you can and tell him you understand things can be stressful and that this other boy has some special needs that most kids don't and let your son know what you do expect from him (as far as not having tantrums, needing to pay attention). Its amazing how much kids understand and by you being frank with him, he will feel mature and that he can help his friend to by looking out for him. I hope this is helpful to you! Please contact me if you have any other questions!

I think your concerns are valid. The other child needs assistance and early makes all the difference in the world. It sounds like you are doing the right things to stay calm and refocus your son. The divorce is no doubt an incredible strain and your son may not even know why he is so upset.

My son was diagnosed with Sensory Integration and Aspergers (high functioning autism) around 3 years old. We did a lot of early intervention with private sensory integration classes at Learning on the Move in Livermore and "friendship" classes with Dr. Sandy Frawley in Pleasanton/San Ramon. We also did speech therapy. Through several tests we know that our son has a genius IQ. He son is an incredibly sweet, loving and bright child who wants to please and has improved at a remarkable rate. He is now 10. He is in mainstream classes at school and is often remarked as a great role model to other children on manners and attitude. Another amazingly successful thing we did was to put him in Taekwondo classes in San Ramon at the age of 4. That has also improved his sensory integration, balance, self-esteem, respect for others etc. He tests for his black belt in the fall. This would be an excellent way to reinforce good behavior in your son. We belong to an incredible set of schools called Ahn's Taekwondo/Mach Martial Arts. They have dojangs in Freemont, Pleasanton, and San Ramon.

All the Best to You,
W.

First of all, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you for what has happened to you and your family. I, too, am divorced (it's been three years) and it's still emotionally tough for me. My kids were a little older than yours: 5, 14, and 16. My ex brought another woman around almost immediately after I filed, in six months was living with her, and her two teenaged daughters, and in a year and a half, married.

No matter the story, it will most certainly come with some bagadge. I was dealing with other teenager influences on my kids: they were allowed to use My Space at his home, where I adamantely refused my kids to go there in my home, etc.

One suggestion I have, is to approach it as an opportunity to teach your son that all people are not the same, that some have different needs, who struggle more and have to try harder. Show him that he can be a great source of strength for this other person in his life. It's as if he could be "Big Brother" for the other child. He needs to know that this child is acting out because he is different, with different needs. I think right now your son views the other child as his peer, so his behavior is stemming from thinking it is normal to behave that way.

Good luck to you. It's good that you can be so present for your son at this time.

J.

I'm sure there will be stressful and confusing times for your son and for all involved, but this can also be a great opportunity. YOur son will likely become one of his step brothers most powerful teachers. He can help him learn things, he can give him introduction into more social opportunities, he can be his friend and supporter. This is a chance to learn about differences and be supportive and understanding of others. There are certainly things to be cautious about and pitfalls along the way, but when you are conscious of those issues they can be a blessing in the long run. There are some good books about sibling issues and special needs and there are some sibling support groups (for somewhat older kids) at Parents Helping Parents www.php.com
My daughter has always been my son's best teacher and now that she is a teenager she actually has jobs tutoring and babysitting kids with special needs because of her uniquie experience. I'm sure she hasn't always thought things were 'fair' but she seems to have weathered it pretty well.

J.

J.,

In my opinion I feel we are all effected by our surroundings and environment. Your son is feeling this little boys needs and he cares about him and wants to do what he can to help him. I feel your son is acting out to see if someone will pay attention so maybe someone can help this little boy.
Each child is dramatically different. There are trial and error solutions that have been miracles for some and given no results to others that are well worth trying. There is no danger trying these solutions. The optimistic upside is great results. I have had fulfilling and rewarding experiences with these solutions.I have been fortunate enough to have them in my life to make a dramatic difference for my granddaughter.
Have a great St. Patricks Day
N. Marie

Well J.... I'm the mother of a 7 year old severly Autistic child. In addition I have an older son (8) and younger daughter (5 months). My older son has a tendency to mimic some of the behaviors that my 7 year old has and we just have to remind him to stop and behave. He (my older son) has ADHD and one of the things his therapist has told him is to remember S.T.A.R... meaning: Stop, Think, Act, Right... At 3 1/2 I'm sure that would work for your son.

It is great that your son is sympathetic to his potential 'stepbrother'. I wouldn't try to disrupt that. I can tell you that it's theraputic to have children around your 'special' child that are sympathetic to his needs. It will all work out.

Hi J.. Please don't take me wrong, but I kind of get the feeling you haven't had a lot of experience with children on the spectrum. I have 2 on the autistic spectrum and all six of my kids have sensory problems. First of all sensory disorders and autism are not one in the same. Sensory Integration Disorder is part of being autistic, but is not the sole definer of it. SID is the way someone processes what comes in from the senses. Kids with SID have problems taking that information in, processing it and putting it out correctly. So this boy going to a class with 30 other kids would be noisy, a lot of movement, and having to move his own body appropriately. That is a lot to ask of a child with sensory issues. Talk about overwhelming and overstimulating! That's why he would have a fit and be crying. There is too much going on for him to deal with. Kids with SID usually do better in small group settings without a lot of commotion and/or not doing things that require them to be very physically active unless they have someone to help them.

As for your son being upset when he comes home. I seriously doubt is has to do with the other child. From what you said that strikes me more as a confused young child as to why his mommy and daddy aren't together anymore and then there's a some other lady playing mommy part of the time. He's 3 1/2 so he doesn't have the understanding of relationships or emotions enough to verbalize his confusion.

As for the impact of SID or autism, your son will be truly blessed. He will have the opportunity to learn about people with different abilities. He will learn how to help someone that struggles and learn compassion because of it. He will learn empathy and strength from the child because he will see this child struggle with everyday thing and be very thankful for who he is.

L.

Hi J.,
I don't know about autism, but I do know about divorce. You are lucky to be amicable with your ex. I didn't have difficulty with another autistic child, or another child for that matter - my difficulty was staying up late, throwing fits when he didn't get what he wanted, etc. What the problem was in my situation was that the behavior was allowed at the "other" house; that's why he acted this way or that way. I had to constantly "retrain" my son to the rules and routines at our house. It sounds as if your son is allowed to act in the fashion of the other child with your husband - no one has explained to him tha the other child gets frustrated, yes your son is only 3 1/2, but they are smart! Also, maybe that is the way he needs to get "attention" over there, he has an example of what works, so he does it. Divorce is hard on everyone, especially children. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi J.- I hate to sound defensive, but my son has a mild sensory disorder and I really hate to have to keep reminding people that sensory integration disorder is not on the autism spectrum. Perhaps this is only because the disorder is not officially recoginized yet by the psychological community, I don't know. But the fact is that according to leaders in the field, ten to fifteen percent of children have sensory issues serious enough to warrant intervention.

I am going to tell you something that I have been trying to explain, calmly, to a great number of professionals lately- most children with autism do have sensory issues but most chidren with sensory issues do not have autism. If you're not sure you caught that, please read it again. They are two issues that are commonly associated with each other but they are seperate issues, with seperate symptoms, and require different treatments.

I just went through the extremely grueling process of applying to private schools, only to be rejected by each and every one, probably because I was honest about my son's issues. He is a bright, happy, social child. He is not aggressive or disruptive. He is a sweet little boy who has a minor glitch in his central nervous system. It's a neurobiological disorder. He is easily overwhelmed at times, and it can be hard for him to concentrate. It's not his fault. I love him and I'm proud of him every day.

Do you know how many times I've had parents tell me that it's "not fair" to their kids that they "have to deal" with children with issues? I'll tell you what- it hurts. Do you want to talk about what's fair? I've had a lot of time to think about what's fair. And what my family is going through feels like it's not fair, but fair has nothing to do with it.

I have a cousin who has two autistic children. What's fair about that? She bears everything with grace. She is an inspiration to me. Her children are beautiful.

Some children have issues. Some don't. We're all living in the same world. Try to have a little compassion. I'm sorry I've used such strong words with you but sometimes I can't even stand to read this board. What passes for a problem in most people's lives is just crazy to me. Please just be grateful every day that you have a healthy child. We just got our son's diagnosis in December. We're going through a greiving process over it. It's very, very painful to watch your child struggle. What I'm trying to tell you is please try to keep your problem in perspective.

Hi J. T this is A.C. I have worked with individuals with developmental disabilities for about 22yrs, and I can tell you for sure autism is NOT contaigeuos your son will be fine.Right know he's a baby playing "monkey see monkey do." as they grow together he will notice the difference,and hopefuly will have gained respect for his brothers "HANDI-CAPABILITEY." Take care , I'll say a prayer.

Hi there,
Well, I am the mother of a boy with Developmental Disabilities, much like Autism, and two younger boys. But also, my sister in law who had two young boys, 3 and 6, moved in with us soon after she divorced. The kids displayed behaviors your describing almost every time apon returning from there dads house, and when his girlfriend moved in, (she had no kids), what had gotten better, got worse again. Personally, I would be more worried about the introduction of a second mommy figure, rather then a child with special needs. Sure it's going to be different, but I think for my boys, although it's hard in many ways, they will have an understanding and compassion for kids with different needs, that cannot be gained any other way. Good luck!

Your son has a wonderful opportunity here to grow and mature and be a very exceptional child. He is already a sweet, happy, thoughtful, energetic, and smart. Imagine what a great person he will turn out to be. His association with an autistic child will only make him a better person. He will learn to stick up for the boy and teach others that treating disabled people with dignity, respect and love are the right thing to do. The autistic boy will have a close relationship that cannot be duplicated. It's really a win/ win situation. Don't worry!!! They will both have a possitive impact on each other.

By the way, there are many sports programs for disabled kids, starting with Special Olympics at age 8. Little League and AYSO both have Challenger teams without age restrictions. My son has been assistant coach for these teams since he was 12. He is now 21. The lessons he has learned about dealing with disabled kids and the love and respect he has for them are beyond measure. The kids all love him because he treats them with dignity and respect and above all treats them like regular kids, which they are in many ways.

Good luck, don't worry and have fun with your possibly extended family.

Hi J.,

When you say the autistic boy is on the low side of the spectrum, do you mean he is high-functioning? You can have a sensory disorder without being autistic. So there really isn't a "basicaly autistic" diagnosis. I commend your husband for dating a woman with a special needs child. I am a mother of an autistic son who remarried a wonderful man who has a typical son of the same age. The boys get along great, but some supervision is needed at such a young age because the kids aren't old enough to fully understand each other. My son needs to be reminded and shown how to include other children into his activities. My step-son needs to be shown how to play nice and be patient. Your son may be reacting more to the confusing situation in general (parents, divorce, new people in his life, and not being the "only child" anymore). Being a sibling of a special needs child is not always easy, but I think it's an amazing opprotunity to learn acceptance and understanding. There are several books on Amazon.com for siblings. I might also suggest you talk with your ex or his girlfriend about what you can do to help the kids play together better. But be cautious about your word choices. Find out what the boy's diagnosis is really, and read up on it. It will be important information for you to know. I have been offended by more than one parent of "typical" children because of their ignorance.

Perhaps you need to consider more than the impact of the potential stepbrother's behavior on your son. His behavior when he returns frpm a weekend with his father suggests that he has problems with seeing his father for a weekend only ans seeing him in the context of the new relationship and the other child. Have you considered therapy? It would be a great help in sorting out the behaviors you see. I imagine this is a pretty common problem.

If you live in the San Jose area, the organization called Parents Helping Parents (php.com) has groups that deal with various disabilities and can probably recommend the names of therapists. However, the focus of PHP is assisting families with a developmentally disabled child. Your focus is different -- it is your child's relationship to another family whose child appears to have a disability. More importantly, it is your child's relationship with his father.

#1 Autism Spectrum Disorder Or ASD is the dianosis. Sensory processing is caused by the ASD. It is a neurological con dition that is being intensivly studied to attempt to find the causes, and form better therapy to help children cope with ASD.
#2 It sounds like he is a high fuctioning ASD,with theraputic support.
Raising children without challenges like ASD is difficult, but toss that in, and shake it up. You have a very creative salad. You should educate yourself about ASD instead of making assumptions abut it. I happen to have a six year old who is diagnoed with ASD, and he is a beautiful, creative,and wonderful soul. He struggles with social issues, he wants to talk so bad. He has everything he needs locked in his head, but he just struggles with letting it out. Like in school you know the right answer, but the teacher won't call on you so you can say it. So, you sit in slience with your hand up wiggling around in your seat. Do you remember how it feels? Now multiply that by 100 times magnified. That you know what you want but your locked in slience all you life. That is the cause of the tantrums. Patience they are only children , and a little understanding can go a long way. Do yourself a favor read a little so you can understand what the disorder is about then you can understand a little more. I also happen to have an average three year old who has some speech delays , but otherwise is average. There should be no impact at all in your son,you can't catch ASD from anyone else. His impacts may be completely emotional. From having to share his father with another child. This is a time to teach your child paience,and tolerance. An opprotunity for you to learn that not everyone is the same, but we all grow up. Bill Gates the head of Micorsoft Corporation is a celebrated person with ASD. Temple Grandin is a famous author, she writes on ASD, and social disorders. Other people include Dan Akroyd, and Darryl Hannah who are actors, and actresses. A lot of celebrities have come forward with their stories Doug Flutie,Holly Robinson Peete, Toni Braxton, and Jenny McCarthy they have children diagnosed with ASD. Very famous people all have the same problem. it does not matter who you are, how careful you are, you can have a child with this disorder. I urge you to have a basic understanding,with the fact that so many people are touched by this disorder now days.

While this is a very difficult situation and of course you want the best for your son, I don't think you should look at the issue of the interaction between the boys as the result of a decision made by your ex. Nobody decides to have a child with a disability, and nobody should be punished because of it. I don't have much experience with autism, but I did nanny for a little boy with pretty bad ADD. It was exceptionally difficult watching him try to interact with other kids because he just didn't get it and you couldn't talk to him about it. It actually got a lot better as he got older, and I've heard similar things about kids with mild autism-- that there are things you can work with them on to help them. Plus, because your son is developmentally on track, you will be able to talk to him more as he gets older, which will help you both understand what the real issues are and how best to deal with them. Rather than thinking about this as a problematic decision that your ex could take care of, I would try to talk with your ex AND his partner AND the kids and try to find ways to work it out. I have been told by my son's day care that they think he has some sort of slow developmental issues, but I found that just playing certain games with him and doing little learning excersizes with him at night and on our way to day care has made an incredible difference. He has stopped getting in trouble at school and is getting along better with the other kids. All I'm saying is that there are ways to deal with these kinds of challenges, even if they aren't the easiest. I wish you the best of luck.