How Can I Get My Husband to Help More with Chores, Is This Asking Too Much?

Hi L.,
we are in a similar situation as you described.

i simply asked my husband to take care of small chores on a regular basis -- garbage and toy pick up after LO goes to sleep. Even having him do these 2 small things made a big difference to me and the house.

I did not see it as backing out of a deal. I just said there are 2 small chores around the house that don't take much time, but would really mean a great deal to me if he would try to do them....

HTH. Jilly

In terms of splitting jobs around the house we tend to split things in two as much as possible. My husband washes the clothes, hangs them up to dry, etc. and I will fold and put them away. (I'll usually get this done while I'm sitting and watching evening TV so it's hardly work)
We'll do the same with the dishes. I'll load the dishwasher and he will put the clean ones away.
As much as we can we split the work so neither of us feels overwhelmed with the amount of work that needs to be done.

wellllllll...first off i will say most of us don't get "help" with the housework from a housekeeper. many of us work fulltime outside the home AND manage the child(REN) and the housekeeping. so i have to be honest, my first instinct is, uuuh TOUGH. not much sympathy from my sector. a very large part of me thinks you need a bit of a reality check. it would probably do you some good to take stock of how great you have it.

HOWEVER. i do understand being overwhelmed, and with being pregnant and unsure how the chaos will work itself out with TWO children instead of one, i can imagine you are feeling it right about now. i have found the best way to get my husband to help out is not to drop hints, not to nag, not to be frustrated at his lack of insight (OMG WHY can't he just see that the house is a mess and i need help!?! is he BLIND!!?) but just to calmly ask (or text, or leave a written note, "honey can you please do X when you get a chance. thanks, love you!" you'd be surpised how easily they pitch in when you just ask them nicely. i could be in a mental institution after living with my husband the last 11 years, if not for that one simple trick. so my advice is before you get too overwhelmed, before you start resenting him for not helping, just take a moment, take a deep breath, and nip it in the bud. also, start training that 2 year old to help as well. makes everything more fun :) good luck!

I think you should count your blessings. You have one child, I raised 3 and between my husband and I we had 3 businesses, I still maintained my home, took my kids to from school, my husband took care of all the outside work in the back yard i took care of the outside work in the front, on my husbands days off he cooked, but I didn't feel the need to bring in someone to take care of things in my home. My kids are grown now and we still have 2 business and my husband has a full time job, and we have a gardner for the front yard, but we are 54 and 55 now. Your life sounds great. If you want help with the dishes just say honey you want to wash or dry, he will choose one, for dinner, hey babe can you stir this while i do this, it's fun having my husband in the kitchen with me, it's all in the approach my dear, doing it this way there is no whining, complaining or nagging. See if it works for you, in the mean time feel blessed cause you really are. J.

First of all, it doesn't matter if Julie L. thinks you have it easy. The point is that it's not working for YOU. People shouldn't compare lifestyles. What's right for one, isn't right for another. It doesn't mean that you are less of a wife or mom just because you want some help around the house.

My husband runs two businesses, soon to be three. He is better at cleaning the house than I am! He and I share the all the household duties because we are a team! I am also willing to pitch in with our businesses as I am needed. We work together, not separately.

Revisit your deal. It's not like you went to the mountaintop and God inscribed your "deal" on to a couple of stone tablets! :) Explain what you need to your hubby.

As far as "house stuff", I am RIGHT with you! Cleaning overwhelms me, and organizing makes me want to hide away in bed.

Good luck to you! I hope you and your hubby can come to an understanding that benefits both of you.

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED: "Girlfriend, If your husband was a genius, you would not be asking the question you asked. Some people are book smart, some people are street smart, some people are oblivious to the needs of others. In the end, no matter which category any of us (or our men) fall into, we all need a little nudge every now and then. Can I get an AMEN sisters?

Blessings.....

Ask him to do what you would like him to do regarding the house chores. If he doesn't want to, have your housekeeper come in and extra day (mid-week) or let it go and see if he notices. If he complains, tell him what you need to fix it. If you can't afford the extra help and he won't help out, then keep on letting it go until the both of you can reach a compromise.

I'm betting there many mama's out there wishing they could be YOU!

Blessings....

It doesn't sound very complicated to me. Have you talked to him about it? Your question never indicated you had. He won't know what you want, unless you tell him. Teach him the things you do for the business and MAKE the jobs separate. If he runs the business in minimal time, then he has time to do the things you do. Adding another kid to the mix will take up most of your time and you will burn out, or end up resenting him for doing so much less then you.

"Honey, I need to scale back on my responsibility with the business. I am worried about doing to much while being pregnant and feel overwhelmed with the thought of keeping up with home tasks and now taking care of 2 children. Since you are very efficient and intelligent, I think it would be in our best interest if I teach you to use the software and pass some tasks to you. I think we would benefit more from me being able to take care of the children and the house well, then splitting my time and possibly be doing them both sub-par." Something along those lines...

It takes years of training LOL!

Tell him you are putting your health first for the next few months so we you will not wear yourself out and need to recover this is in everyone's best interest. Take time to write down everything that needs doing around the house Every little thing that the house keeper doesnt do or that needs to be done in between. Take your time so you dont forget anything, include childcare, night time care, etc. Then sit with your husband so he can see that he isnt doing one third or one fourth of the list. For your final months of pregnancy and first few months of caring for a newborn Expect a LOT more from him, explain that it is temporary. This will gt him in the habit of doing more around HIS house. Also search online for articles about how men are happier and much healthier the more involved they are in running the household and raising the children. then just leave the printed articles laying around for him to read. Pamper yourself more and know you are doing the BEST thing for your husband , your marriage, and your children. The future has you getting busier and busier so train him now
AND NEVER criticize what he does around the house let him do things his own way

I'm a high school teacher, and during the summer when I'm not teaching I do more around the house because I have more time. Then every August when I go back to work, I have to have a heart to heart with my husband to remind him that I need more help around the house. He's wonderful about helping as long as I remind him what I need him to do. Perhaps you just need to have a talk with your husband and let him know what you need.

As far as how we divide things, here is roughly how things work out during the school year (my husband works very long hours). We have two boys ages 13 and almost 7 that are very helpful as well, and they get themselves up and ready for school each morning.

My duties:
Pick up kids from school and care for them in afternoon/evenings
Maintain cleanliness of house (dust, vacuum as needed, sweep)
Cook meals
Start dishwasher

Husband's duties:
Take kids to school
Clean house once a week (mop/vacuum all floors, clean bathrooms, etc. - he doesn't dust)
Put away dishes (13 year old does this often)

Both of us do laundry and yard work, and the kids help keep the house neat. Our 13 year old does much of the vacuuming, too. Our boys take care of the pets.

I hope you and your husband are able to find a solution that works for both of you. :)

What works for us is that one month my husband does garbage and dishes and the other person does laundry. Then we switch off for the next month.

We don't have a set person of cooking, but if one has cooked a few times, we then go out and / or bring in take in food and then the other person cooks for a few nights. It works pretty well.

We alternate making lunches as well as whoever is driving the kids to school. The one staying home, makes the lunches.

We do have a house cleaner as well once or twice a month. So the big stuff is put on her......however we do our own yard and do it together.

Teach your husband to use the software, and pass the task on to him. Looks like you are helping him with his job more than he helps you with yours and, It seems he has the time for it :)

Can you try getting him to watch the kids so you can do freezer cooking? That way, you have meals ready to eat in the freezer and it's less time spent cooking, that you could spend do other stuff?

Can you sit down with him, after the kids are in bed, and ask for his help. Let him know that you're not trying to back out of "the arrangement," but that you're starting to feel overwhelmed, even with the housekeeping help, and that you are asking him to help with the house a bit more. That might be watching the kid(s) more so you can do more chores, or (preferably) him pitching in on the housework more, especially as your pregnancy advances. Or it might be that he thinks its just better to have the housekeeper come 2 or 3 times per week instead. But let him know what you're feeling, and that you appreciate your chance to be a SAHM but that the house and family really need 2 adults working on stuff to get everything done! LOL.

What works for us is to a quick pick up: We set the timer on the stove or microwave and clean for 15 or 20 minutes max (usually 10 to 15 minutes). We pick one thing, each and do it. Whether it's done or not at the end of the timer, we stop. That helps a lot. We usually pick different tasks, but in the same room so we can be together. :)

What has somewhat worked for me is to look at the number of hours each of us has "off". Your post is a bit confusing bc on one hand you seemed to be saying your husband has a lot of free time bc he's a genius and runs the business w/ very minimal time. On the other hand, you say he works till 3am. I'm guessing it varies but if there's some consistency, outlining your days can shed light on whether he should be doing more or not. I know that as a mother, it feels like our job is never done while husbands have all this time off. And when that's the case, it's not fair. But if your husband really is working till 3am a lot, maybe things aren't unbalanced. I'd outline a typical week and see how things really line-up and go from there.

I think you simply need to have an honest discussion with your husband and say that you need to discuss a change in the gameplan. Everyone hits points in life where "something's got to give".

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now as homemaker, business partner, Mommy to a toddler, and pregnant too.
People say that a marriage is give and take - I think in the beginning we all assume that means 50%-50%. However in reality I think that means that for certain TASKS it's 90%-10% or 25%-75%. Also during certain circumstances the percentages change - like during an illness, pregnancy, job change, etc.

Also, you may need to cut back on "helping out" with the business. The reality is that your life is only going to get MORE complicated with a 2 yr old and a newborn. I know it's hard to let go, add to your husband's plate, etc. But you are soon, if not already, going to be sleep deprived and struggling with the day to day stuff. Don't risk making a mistake for your business too. Plan now to start handing off some of the work, so you can enjoy your daughter and new baby with less stress.

Best wishes, I hope this helps you!

Does your husband get "days off"??

You should as well.

I am a SAHM, and my husband is a retail manager.

Although I'm the "primary" house person, I have him help me with household stuff to alleviate some of the burden from my shoulders.
I take care of 2 extra kids during the week, and feel I deserve help
and that he should contribute the house. It's not fair that he gets
"time off" and I'm always and forever at work.

My husband does the trash, cleans the floors, and keeps the bathrooms
clean. I have him do the chores that only need done a few times a week.
I also praise him and thank him when he does them.

putting your request in postive terms and allowing him to see how his actions will help you and tell you he loves you can be very motivating for a man.

if you husband runs the business with minimal time it seems logical he should be willing to help you, especially since you're pregnant and dealing with a toddler.

Good luck!