How Can I Get My 12 Yr Old Son to Care About Anything? HELP!

My father died of cancer when I was two and my sister was nine. She was immediately affected by this (school, attitude, risky behavior) and to this day still struggles with depression and other issues. One piece of advice I could give you from the perspective of a young kid whose father died is this. It completely isolates you. Other kids in school do not, cannot understand. It isolates you from what you love, even doing well in school....because really, what is the point? You also feel guilty enjoying things. To be honest, this is not something a kid ever "gets over"....it is just a matter of finding a new kind of normal. I would strongly suggest that you try to find a group therapy/camp situation for children who have lost parents. They have such things now and I think it is an excellent way for these kids to reconnect with being a kid, having joy. They are among people like them and they do not have to explain anything, but if they want to talk about it, they can and they will see that others do know exactly what they are experiencing. They did not have such programs when I was young. One thing that did help me was volunteering to work with animals. It was very helpful for me to be in a situation where I could care for and love an animal who simple gave unconditional love with no questions asked. I think you need to find a way for him to care about the world and himself again. Find a way for him to be important, a way to make a positive difference and you might be able to get through to him. My prayers are with your family. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry you are all going through this, it must be a very hard time for both of you. He hasn't had much time to really grieve ,so that on top of the new school kids and learning style are difficult. Maybe, can you find him a mentor? Sign him up for the big brothers or boyscouts program in your area. Keep continuing to encourage him to go to activities and do well in school, kids theater, tae kwon do, cooking class.... Maybe he would be excited to work with animals, there are some rescue rehabilitation programs that let kids help with foster and shelter animals, call your local animal rescue and see if they know of any in your area.

As for you feeling alone and grieving, I say the same things, join a support group, or volunteer somewhere as a family like a nursing home, library story time or shelter, gardening at a city park. Volunteering works wonders at helping people cope with hard times. Take a crafting class, join a book club... anything to help you meet people, have joy and do something.

big brothers:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16...

family volunteer opportunities:
http://www.thevolunteerfamily.org/?gclid=CJ7k-Yq9vqQCFdRU...
http://www.familyservice.us/
http://tinyurl.com/27sswgx

My dad died of cancer as well, but I was 22 and had several years to cope to his pending death, I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be for a child and young mother.

My son really enjoys painting, we go through ALOT of canvas and acrylic but it keeps him level so I will do what it takes. That's just awful about your husband, I am really sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to bounce back after something like that and he may have guilt after being in a Montessori school, feeling like he didn't get enough time with his dad and now he's gone. Whatever the reason is, hopefully you can find it and talk about it so that he can snap out of his little shell and get back into living. Exercise is also great, you could do it together as a family. It would pick up everyone's moods. Grade 6 is a tough year, there are so many changes and kids at school can be cruel on top of that.
Something that I do for my kids is give them mental health days. I call in sick for them and spend the day one on one with them. I only do this when I know its really bad and they need a break. I would rather them be in a better state of mind to go back to school then continue on with nothing in the reserve tank to keep them going. These have been some of the best days with my children and usually when they open up and talk to me about stuff thats bugging them too.
Sounds like you need one too. I wish your family all the best and hope great things for your future. Hang in there, it will get better.

S.

I am so sorry about your loss... this is so hard for all of you. Having just lost my Mom 6 weeks ago, I can feel your pain.
May I suggest that you involve your son in some type of volunteer work - at a soup kitchen, nursing home, animal shelter, etc. When we give of ourselves, it boosts self esteem and we feel like we can make a difference. This may be the little boost he needs and it may connect him with someone who can understand what he is going through other than you and his therapist.
Will keep you and your son in my thoughts. Hang in there... time will make things better.

I lost my dad while in High School. I was depressed and well pretty much the only thing that helped me was my theatre work. I just immersed myself in it knowing that I can't sit in a dark corner doing nothing all day. So instead I sat in a dark corner and design light shows for my school's dance recitals. I love it! Lighting Design was my life back then. Does he have some sort of creative output? Maybe taking a karate class to get out any anger? Try encouraging him to do something like that.

Your son has had several things happen to him almost all at once -- losing his dad from cancer, changing schools, and now grieving the loss of familiar surroundings at school and his dad. He is now trying to figure out what and where he belongs if he belong anywhere. Contact Big Brothers as they may have a person who can help fill the void so that he has a male role model. Gettig him involved with the animal shelter, food bank or soup kitchen may give him a sense of pride and being needed.

You need a support group as well. You will need new coping skills to move forward in your life.

As one person mentioned the isolation of not belonging or fitting in is the hardest after the loss of a parent. You feel all alone and you feel like no one cares about you. The daily routine is a blurr with dull background noise and everything seems to be in slow motion as everyone else scurries along on their missions. Sometimes you feel like the puppy in the petshop window where people come in and play with you and then they leave leaving you behind looking out the window by yourself. I have been there and it is not a place I wish on anyone (lost my mom at 9 and my dad at 14). Hopefully a caring relative is there to help pick you up and lend a helping hand.

Time heals all wounds. You both are in my thoughts.

The other S.

Tracy, You are dealing with ALOT. I know, I have been there. My 4 children lost their Dad 7 years ago. At that time, my oldest was 14 and the youngest was 5. The youngest is now 12, soon to be 13. My youngest went to 2 different private school for 5 years. In 5th grade I sent him to public school (I could not go through another school closing). 5th and 6th grade were rough. He didn't seem to care much about his grades any more. This year I allowed him to have a study hall, he is making friends (he is still bullied, but handling it better), and he is getting A's. I"m not sure what changed this year, but public school is different. I did find a wonderful camp in Virginia. Check out comfortzonecamp.org. It is free, they will pay to get you there, grief has no bondaries. I had to bribe my kids to go, but as we were leaving, they wanted to know when they could go back. They were in a bubble with 50 other kids going through the same thing, It was camp, they didn't dwell on the loss, they actually laughed. They saw other kids going through the same thing. Totally free, you can afford to go. It helped me as much as the children. It's a lot like the Caring Place in Pittsburgh, but it's a week-end. You will get through this, but it's tough. I survived, my 3 big kids are in college now Omg! Good Luck!

T.,

May God bless and comfort you all during this very difficult time. Tracy. Everything that’s going on with your son is understandable; he’s grieving and has shut down. The loss of his father is far greater then a change of school. If there is a peer group grief counseling session you can get him into that may be helpful.

You might also consider group grief counseling for yourself and the rest of the family as well.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Blessings…..

At our daughters middle school they actually had a grief group.. They met once a week at lunch to talk or play games.. The counselor realized there were quite a few kids that had lost their parents and thought it would be good for these kids to see they were not alone.. None of the kids were best friends, but I am going to guess it helped to know they were not alone when they saw each other in the hall ways..

Sister, you are a good mom. Peace be with you. I'll be praying for you and your boys.
I wonder if having him get involved in something that would help him to feel close to his dad would help. Either take up a hobby that dad loved or even better, get him involved in a cancer related charity. Maybe he could feel passionate about fighting the thing that stole his dad from him. Or maybe he particularly identifies with the survivng children, so he could get involved in a mentoring program working with younger kids that have lost parents. Stress how important his science and math classes are becasue we need cancer researchers to find cures so other familys don't have to go through what you did.

i agree with suzanne, 100% maybe try a FAMILY counselor...get everyone a support center they can turn to maybe get him and any other kids you have involved in something to look forward to that wil help push them to do good and excell
i'm sorry for your loss, if you ever need to talk or just vent...shoot me an e-mail hun!!! i can't imagine!

Hi, T.:
Your son has 2 stressors that happened at one time:
the death of his father
and change in schools.

Get him into a grief support group and
contact a Narrative Therapist in your local area.
Good luck. D.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you and your son peace. Your son just lost his dad and I can imagine how hard it is on the both of you. You've gotten great advice from other mom's. I have some little suggestions. Perhaps you and your son can honor his father by volunteering to help others with colon cancer or raising funds for the cause of colon cancer awareness in your husband's name. Your son can still be connected with his old montessori school as a volunteer. I'm sure they'd like the help and perhaps it may help your son feel more settled to be around his old teachers or old classmates. You may want to speak to the director about the situation. In our area there are grieving groups for children and adults that even do weekend getaways to discuss the grieving process you may want to check into that. Best wishes to you and your beautiful son.

I can not even imagine the heavy load you have, and your son as well being a tough age, with a family death and school move-I'm so sorry.

Honestly, with a great mom like you, he will be OK one day and look back on this as the tough phase in his life that built his strength. But for now, you're all struggling. You may not see him be interested in things for a while, but you can lay in the foundations one day at a time. You got some great advice, and I'm glad you have a great therapist.

I dont' know if his therapist is faith based, but secular ones often lack spiritual elements for strength and can sort of encourage dwelling on the bad that happened- even though lots of their insights are very valuable-and I'm not saying your therapist is doing that. I've seen several friends get worse in therapy and get more and more angry about the stuff that happened to them and like it's only right they should be depressed sort of thing.

Faith based ones can often lack in other reality based ways-ideally he should have both types of influence. Since he has a great therapist, some sort of youth group that reaches out to others and has the element that we are all one and encourages overcoming tragedy with a gracious heart. There could be great supportive people there for you both. Again, you won't see immediate results, but he needs good soul nourishment day by day, and to be around positive people. I realize he doesn't want to do anything, but you may have to do research pick the activity, and go with him or just have him do it. Make a deal with him that if he hates it he can stop, however your son works best.

You guys need to start some new fresh chapters together through little everyday nice things. New and different meals-don't point it out, just do it. Maybe you can re-decorate his room together or build something. Start a new habit, do a fun Halloween thing you never used to at a farm or something-whatever fits your lifestyle. Little day trips may make him not fear other activities. Play hooky and do something really fun with no pressure for him to like it. Don't point out it's supposed to cheer him up.

As a depressed teen, it was real easy for my mom to annoy me, so be an open book, not too much pressure, but introduce good things into his life and make sure he's not alone. Read A New Earth for great tips on how to stay in the present and not carry the woes of your past and fears of your future all on your back at the same time. Day by day, find the good. Try to keep setting your strong example of happiness, but be honest with him when you need a break and tell him you need to see him trying harder for you both. Take care of yourself.

Blessings to you, I pray some perfect advice and people come into your life soon.