How Big a Fuss Do You Make for Your Own Parents' Birthdays?

None. My parents get a card, a small gift, and if it's a big birthday (50--MAYBE 65 since that designates senior citizen status ;) ) dinner and a movie...IF I can afford to do so.

My parents would never expect a fuss over their birthdays. They just love spending time with their kids and grandkids....if possible. Luckily for my dad it always is because he is a Christmas baby so we have that reason for a gathering. We try to do a dinner and I will buy a gift.

65 is one of those milestone birthdays and it does deserve a little extra attention, but your mother's expectations may be a little over the top! It is not your responsibility to pay for her parties and all her guests. I would be honest with her and tell her you have a limited budget (esp with the holidays) and see if she would like to help pay for her birthday bash or be happy with friends, families and cake! You could do some special things like a slide show of old pictures to honor her. You could also send letters to friends and family asking them to share special memories of you mom and put them together in a book for her. Don't feel obligated to overspend on this event.

I usually have my parents up for dinner and cake on their b-days. We give a gift, nothing extravagant, just a little something. I did have a surprise b-day party for both of them when they turned 50, but I did that on my own, they didn't ask. Both of them are coming up on 60 in the next few years or so, I'll probably have a few of their friends up for dinner and cake, but I won't be throwing a huge bash!

I don't think that it is anyone's "responsibility" to throw parties. If someone wants to do it then great! Don't feel guilty. Just be honest with her and tell her that money is tight right now.

Maybe she will compromise and you can just have a couple of her friends up for dinner?

I read through all the answers so far and you've gotten some really good advice. Molly S. hit it on the head with doing what you can and leaving it at that. Surely if you throw a party for your mom, she won't complain that it wasn't grandiose enough?! Maybe you can have a witty response planned just in case; something that will remind her of the effort you went through; OR perhaps something like, "I'm sorry I didn't throw a party to your liking. Maybe next year you can throw yourself a party, since you know better than anyone what your expectations are. I'll be happy to attend!"

I do think you should do something for her, a little grander than what you would do for a non-milestone birthday, and count it as just one of those things that you have to do sometimes for the people you love, even when you don't want to. (Then next year if she hints at it again, you can tell her that her 65th was a little more special, and you'd be happy to take her out for dinner or something but you can't throw her a big party every year.)

I thought Christine C. had some really good ideas. As far as a memory book (which several people have mentioned and I also think is a great idea), you can assemble it, scan everyone's responses into your computer as jpegs (leave them in their own handwriting, makes a nice touch), add some photographs, and have it printed for fairly cheap at the Walgreens or CVS photo departments. (You make it online with their software and it's really easy). Then your mom will have an awesome keepsake. (You can message me if you want to know more about that). Sometimes other online photo companies like Picaboo and Snapfish will have promotional events where you can get a book made and pay only shipping, so keep your eyes open.

The gift game Christine described is called a White Elephant or sometimes Dirty Santa gift exchange. You could do this with a twist and provide cheap party favor-type gifts for everyone to exchange, or tell everyone to bring a theme-based gift (put a cap on how much they can spend on it, say $15), such as "over-the-hill" or else something that your mom would appreciate but that everyone else would enjoy as well, since everyone will be taking home a gift. Or you could do just what she said and combine a Christmas and birthday party. Give your mom a Santa hat to wear, decorated with glitter that says "birthday girl" or something similar.

If you don't have money to cater or buy all the food yourself, potluck may not be the sveltest idea in the world but it works! Tell everyone to bring a dish of your mom's favorite food type--Italian, Mexican, seafood, whatever.

My mom just moved close to me so I will probably be facing similar situations in the near future. I don't think she would ever blatantly insist that I throw her a blowout party. But she would probably silently wish it!

Good Luck!

Hi I have a sagitarius mother too who throws guilt trips all the time. Her birthday is December 15th. The year my son was born dec 6th she expected me to take her to see a broadway show a week later and I was nursing a newborn. Well I did it for her but it still wasn't enough I think she felt she was never going to have a birthday between my sons birthday and Christmas in December. There Is no right or wrong about it it just is what it is. I would throw an inexpensive party at your house for her and invite all her friends and have them give her gifts that way she feels spoiled. My mother only has me as well and is divorced and my sisters in England. They expect us to be their significant others and care for them I know it doesn't seem fair but you'll be blessed for it. Good luck!

I like to have celebrations and they needn't be costly. A nice dinner with friends/family is always fun. Additionally, I have celebrations for "grandma" to show my son that you need to honor your elders and having celebrations help me drive that home. We too don't have a ton of money nor would my MIL in this case (the person for whom I would throw a party since my mom is deceased) allow us to spend a great deal. She even says, don't do anything. of course we always do.. In fact, if more people were up for celebrating in my family, I would do it all the time.. simply because I want my son to have good memories , esp with his family but moreover, to show him that it's great to honor our loved ones..
if you can view it that it's for your kid's sake and not yours.. then it might be easier..
as for December 18th.. Now, that might be tough, then again.. you and your closer loved ones know it's the SAME TIME each year .. it;'s no surprise.. in which case, this coming year.. put a little money even if just 20 dollars away each pay period. this way, you will already have the money allotted for your mom's gift next year,,,

I used to get the same blah blah blah from people because my bday is the 29th.. which means.. right BEFORE pay period but end of month when money is tighter.. thing is.. it's NO mystery.. my bday is the 29th.... therefore, I always felt like my mom knew this.. now save up throughout the year!!! same goes with my brother whose bday is Dec 21st................life is easier than we make it out to be.. plan ahead.. same go with your mom's bday..you knew it was coming up... last year she was 64, right????? anyway...
regardless if money is tight.. make her a GREAT dinner. invite a bunch of people.. maybe everyone can chip in for a big gift... what counts is the thought.. make it special..

Honestly, 65 is not a decade birthday,I don't view becoming a "senior citizen" a milestone that deserves special birthday celebrations, the 5's are not a big deal (well, maybe 75 would be but that's it). When my mother (a widow) was alive, she'd get taken out to dinner on the weekend of or closest to her birthday. Adult birthdays really don't need to be a big deal! As long as she is not spending her birthday alone at home, anything should be fine. We made a big deal for my mom's 50th and for her 70th, that was it. I would certainly not spend more on mom than on your hubby. You need to let her know that you do not have any income and therefore cannot make her a party at all, that your husband is not required to pay for her lavish celebrations - esp if they are more than he gives to his own parents!

My mom always told me she would not make her children feel guilty about such things and she has not. You love your mom but I don't think she comprehends how busy you are with your day to day life. Plus with the current economy. Even though this is your mother. I think its alot to expect this type of thing from someone else. That being said here are some ideas.
Here are a couple of ideas.
1. Celebrate your moms b day and ask everyone to email you or tell you over the phone a special memory of your mom. Then put all these memories in a book. If anyone has photos from over the yrs that would add to it.
2. Go to a local sandwich place or bagel place see what the price would be for catering for 20 people and 10 people. Then go to a local supermarket see if they have catered food there or BJ's has some delicious reasonable priced appetizers.
3. Combine a Christmas/b day party. I was at a party and this was one of the games. Everyone brings one present. Something they no longer want but it has to be in good shape. Wrap the present up. Then someone goes first he/she can pick anyone present he wants. Now say if Johnny really wants what Austin opened when its Johnny's turn. Johnny can take it off Austin's lap. Now the 3 rd time that is the present everyone keeps. This game gets everyone giggling. As long as you have a lively group of people.

I know this is a hard one. I would do what you can for her birthday and leave it at that. If she is expecting more, sorry. You are a mother,and a wife and you have to provide for your family as well. No one can expect you to do more for her than you would do for your own family. I would give her a nice heartfelt card, take her to lunch and leave it at that. Maybe at the family party or christmas, you could mention happy birthday to your mom and just say something or talk about her to all--like say how much she means to you etc. and happy belated birthday etc. At some point, she is going to have to get over the fact that you can't throw a big birthday bash every year by yourself etc. Its about the thought----Molly

You mentioned you recently moved closer - is that just this year? If so, you may be reading the expectation of a bigger party for #65 onto all birthdays. Big 65 makes sense, other birthdays get card/gift/time/maybe cake :)

Do you have other siblings? They should pitch in for th big 65. Heck, you could even do a potluck!

I have moved away, but typically it was a gift and maybe dinner. My sister now does the dinner if she can, but it is never anything really expensive. (My dad is remarried, my mom isn't, also.) I think that 65 is a big year though, so might do a dinner at a restaurant and have it non hosted (everyone pays their own way). Otherwise, inside bbq kinda gathering would be nice, and fairly inexpensive. For the rest of the b-days, I would go back to simple. I don't think that it is your responsibility, and she should NOT expect anything from you, but be greatful for what you can do. What does she do for yours?

Oh dear. Obviously you care a lot about your mom and would celebrate anyway she wished if money and time were not an issue. But they are an issue. I would explain this too her as gently as possible. "Mom, I would love to throw a big shindig for you and invite dozens of people to a birthday dinner. But you know, my family and I have made a commitment to me being a SAHM. And while we love this decision, it means money is really tight."

My mom's birthday is in December too. And though all she asks is that we spend time together and that no "celebration" is necessary...Even a family dinner out plus a small token gift can be a big stretch for us at this time of year. I pay for my family of 4 and my sis and I split the cost of dinner and dessert for my parents. But at a nice-ish restaurant, that means $100+ for me.

Would it maybe be an option to host a celebration at your home? Have an informal buffet of crock-pot stuff and appetizers? Maybe ask a few closer friends/family to contribute a dish or wine?

My mom was single for more than 20 years.
When we were young would make a special dinner for her.

Once I had a job we would take her out to dinner, even if she had a boyuforend and "treat" for the meal.

Later sometimes, I would bake a cake and invite her friends over for cake and Champagne. I would call her girlfriends and remind them it was going to be my moms Bday, so they would take her out..

I never have thrown her a Birthday Party. I guess manly because I cannot afford it.
I think you should just explain to your mom , that times are tough right now and you will be happy to take her to dinner or to provide a cake, coffee and some champagne for 4 or 6 friends, but that is all you can afford..

Never let anyone guilt you into something you cannot afford. It is rude of them.. Even if it is a beloved relative.

We do big and small celebrations but it is not something that any of our parents expect or demand (that is both presumptuous and rude in my opinion).

My sister's birthday is also on December 18. So I know how you feel about it being so close to Christmas. If you want to throw a birthday party for her, who would you invite and see what they might be willing to contribute. If you can keep the costs reasonable for the guests, you may be able to pull something quite spectacular together. Keep things as simple as possible or even make it some kind of surprise thing at some restaurante. Have everyone pay for their own meal and you pay for mom's? Or you could rent a simple venue like a church reception hall and have a party.

We did a big party for my MIL's 65th birthday b/c in my husband's family birthdays are a really big deal- far more so than any holidays. I don't know that I would do it again for her next milestone... maybe 80th, but we'll see. It was a lot of work and we didn't get much help from his siblings.

As for my own parents- birthdays have always been low-key. Gifts, cards, cake and a family dinner. They live far away, so we mail gifts and make sure we Skype on the day to wish a happy birthday.

I would talk with your mom and see how she feels about doing something either much earlier or after the New Year. You may have better luck doing something in late January for her birthday- people will not feel so overwhelmed and over-committed.

Hmmm, my answer is that I wouldn't like anyone telling me how big of a fuss to give them on their birthday. That would turn me off to it.

I don't know how much she goes all out for your birthday all the time -- or did it up each time in the past -- but this is a tricky one. Then, if you don't reciprocate with your two salaries and she has done it with one, then.... But you have to make this call based on your personal circumstances.

I would not let her drive the bus on this. Getting the message to her would be hard since she is being so blatent. Something like "Oh, mom, I'd love to give you a big party like you'd like, but we're trying to safe for emergencies, layoffs, retirement, children't college. I would love to ..... How about that?

I gave a party for my stepmom's 65th birthday in september. I would do it if you can. but there are ways to make it not so god awful expensive. We had it at my house. In december you may not have that option but can you maybe have it in the church hall? Make the food easy. You can do pasta and salad for 50 people for about 50 bucks. I can email you the recipe's I use. Order a big cake and get some soda and wala your done. As for decorations I went to party city and dug thru the clearance bin. found stuff like ribbons saying your the party girl etc.... went with a plain colored paper plates except for the cake. if you use cans you don't need to worry about paper cups. and you can make the invites on the computer. Ask your sib to help with the actual work. for a gift from you ask all the people who are comign to send you a letter with a memory of them and your mom. then you organize them into an album. and there is the gift from you along with the party. you will be glad you did this later on.