How Am I the Bad Guy?

"His sister was upset because he was not being truthfull and my SIL punished her for not sticking up for her brother"

I keep getting stuck on this. She was punished for not sticking up for her brother - even though she saw what happened and answered her Mom's question? Wow.

It's hard to reason with the unreasonable. It sounds like they have some pretty twisted logic going on there and are making more drama than what's necessary. I'd actually just bow out of it and let them deal with this on their own. Eventually the drama will die down but they will still be the type of people who are highly defensive, are okay with dishonesty and place a high emphasis on family loyalty over doing what's right, so I probably would remain friendly with them but maintain a aloofness or polite distance with them just to keep the peace in the family. They sound like a bunch of troublemakers and this kind of stuff probably happen once again.

I agree with mommymommymommy.. there is a strange dynamic going on there. The children are obviously used to drama from SIL and/or BIL and know that it is easier to lie to them than deal with them..

You know it was no big deal. You know what really happened. I would just drop it be but be aware that there is something not right with SIL...

when situations arise like that what i do is totaly remove myself from it. i cant stand the he said she said or the drama.if someone starts talking about it i just say " its over and done with i am over it i don't want to talk about it" and that normaly takes care of it. i had a similar situation happen to me a few weeks ago and that is what i told everyone.

sounds like sil has her priorities a bit mixed up, which is why your nephew was afraid to tell her. she's raising him to lie to her. focusing on sister sticking up for brother, even when brother is wrong...punishing the sister for telling the truth. there's no way nephew will be honest and forthright with the truth, being raised like that. sad, but you can't do anything about how someone else raises their child. i would talk to nephew about it if you can get him in a private moment, and make sure he knows YOU and your daughter don't hold an ACCIDENT against him, but make sure he knows that he shouldn't lie (to you, especially)....a lot of times kids can be completely different when not around their parents. just hope if he's ever around you without his parents, he has more respect for you than to act like that.

I would tell your nephew, in front of your SIL in the most patient voice possible, that you understand that it was an accident and that you aren't mad at him for what happened, but that lying about it was not acceptable. Let him know that if he does something wrong, or even if it was an accident, you won't be mad as long as he mans up and tells the truth. Tell him that it will serve him well as he grows up and help him in life. (Not that he'll care about that for a while.)

The issue is your SIL is totally nuts. She punished his SISTER??! For telling the TRUTH? And pretended he didn't do it and didn't LIE? This is massively screwed up completely on her behalf, and you need to explain that fact to everyone involved. Don't even budge. SIL is totally at fault. Stick to your story. Who cares what she says, she's obviously got a screw loose.

I'd just be honest. Tell her you aren't mad & don't think anyone deserves to be punished for it. IT was an accident. Yes it was bad for her son to lie, but convincing a parent that THEIR kid lies is VERY VERY hard to do. ANd probably not really worth the effort.

Say the truth, time, date, event etc and thats really all you can do.

There must be something in the air. I had a stupid thing with one of my daycare parents today and I wish I would have read this first LOL! I loved what you said about obviously not watching the same movie LOL.

Today this woman asked if she could come in 3 hours early for the 4th day this week. I asked her if she would be picking the kids up after work because I have been watching her kids on the weekends so she can sleep. It's a natural conclusion that if she gets home at Midnight instead of 5 or 6am, that she doesn't need me to watch them until noon the next day to sleep. But she yelled at me and said that I was ungrateful for all she does for me. HUH? I simply wanted to know what time they were going home!

Obviously, there is more to these issues than what meets the eye. In your situation it's likely he's been involved on altercations and lied to the point that his parents feel sorry for him as the injured party (wrongly accused). You just came in at the wrong time and they aren't hearing what you were saying.

I don't know what if anything can help in these situations. It seems that people have selective hearing and are stubborn enough to see what they want to see.

Hello, We had a situation when our now 32 year old was a little boy. He is our youngest and was very calm and never fought with anyone. Two of our nephews always ganged up on him and he would never tell us until they would leave. One evening when my parents were babysitting my nephews, we had stopped by and the children were playing right in front of us. Suddenly, one of them just socked our son in the nose. My husband had had enough and popped the nephew in the head. Not hard, but enough to get his attention. I didn't think it was necessarily the right thing to do, but it was done. When my sister and her (now ex) husband got home, my mother told them what happened. The brother-in-law wanted to come over and kick my husband's rear. My response was that nobody seemed to care that for so long, our little boy was being bullied. We didn't spend much time together after that. Now these nephews are grown and are worthless. Our son is still someone that everybody loves.
Your sister-in-law and brother-in-law know that their son is lying, it is just hard for them to admit it. It's too bad that they have chosen to allow him to get by with it, because it is only going to come back and bite them. It has also sent their little girl a message or two. One, her brother can do anything he wants. Two they don't care if she is honest and his feeling are more important to them than her.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

My nephew has hurt my son a few times. Sometimes on purpose which really ticks me off, but often they were both wrestling around and it was an accident too. Don't ask me why, but he tried denying it even if 15 people saw it happen. I think the times it was truly an accident he felt bad about it and thought he would get in trouble. But, he would confess and apologize. And, he meant it because he does love my son.
Now....for a while, he went on a streak of deliberately punching my son who is younger and there were times my sister got really defensive about it. "It's always MY kid who is getting in trouble!" Well, he was the only one walking up and slugging a kid smaller than him out of the blue.
I talked to my nephew myself. I told him I knew he loved his cousin and accidents are accidents, but he knew when he was being mean. I told him I wouldn't let them play together if he didn't quit and he might want to think about it because there would come a day when my son wasn't so little and he would be able to punch hard right back. The only difference would be that my son would hit him and then tell on himself and tell why he did it.

Your daughter is fine. That's the main thing.
Sounds like your nephew lies because his mom doesn't want to hear it and will punish another kid for not being in on the cover up.
Nobody said anything about anybody beating anybody up. And that's exactly what I would tell your MIL. It was an accident and you know it.
Be willing to let it go, but keep a close eye. If a kid is afraid to admit to an accident, you can be pretty sure they won't admit what they do on purpose and that's something for your SIL to come to terms with.

Best wishes.

It would be nice to think that children who are in our own families would be honest and take responsibility when something like this happens. I think some of the time the lie is told for a variety of reasons. Maybe he was embarassed or perhaps he really did not feel his hand hit her mouth...you never really know. However, if the injury was caused in this manner it really doesn't seem like a big deal should be made of it at all in my opinion. I think we set our kids up to lie in some instances. If an objective adult SAW what happened, why was he given the opportunity to tell his story...which turned into a lie? I suggest just having the person who witnessed the incident just say, "What I saw was that she tried to scare you and you put up your hand to shield yourself. It did not look intentional, but in the process you ended up hitting her mouth with your hand." If the situation allows, he could go get a wet paper towel or ice pack to help in her "recovery." The end...of course families are diverse and complex so there's no RIGHT answer. Just food for thought!

If your daughter is fine and since you know it was an accident I would suggest to let it go for now. However, this is your nephew so you care bound to interact with him again. You now know that you can't trush him to be truthful so remember that! I would suggest that you keep a close eye on him when at family functions going forward.

If the tension continues, I would suggest that you and your husband calmly tell you BIL & SIL that you and the daughters are the ones that should have been upset about the situation because your daughter was hit and they didn't correct thier son for lying about it and they even punished thier daughter for telling the truth. You were not operating on he said/she said but rather on what you and their daughter actually witnessed. You weren't upset that it happened since it was an accident but rather by his dishonesty and their reaction to it. Ask them what their concern is and discuss it.

You are definately not the bad guy. No kid is going to admit to doing something they know their going to get in trouble for doing, even if you did see the act happen. Seems like your in laws think their kid can do no wrong, sounds like they are the ones in denial. Don't stress on it. Kids play rough thats just how they are. What you have to tell them is, if your going to play rough someone is likely to get hurt, and if that happens don't come running to me with some sob story about so and so hitting you. Its never easy, but kids usually forget any misunderstandings alot quicker than adults do. Good Luck!
S. in Vegas

Weird.

No next steps, it's over, it happened, you stuck to your guns about what you saw happen. Your daughter knows you had her back in the situation at the time. It was an accident anyway, he didn't intentionally hit her. But why beat a dead horse at this point? Their lying son will be a lot more of a problem for THEM in their future than he ever will be for you and your daughter.

I feel bad for his sis though. What a weird family dynamic they have going on.

You are not the bad guy! Trust me, i've been thru this with my own sisters! who never scolded their kids when i would see them do things to my daughter and my daughter was the youngest. Now my nieces and nephews are grown and so is my daughter (21). Who's kids turned bad and/or not very nice? Not mine! My older sisters kids have called their own mom the f and b words so many times now! it's sad! Ignore what happened, don't say anything more, don't explain yourself. Just concentrate on your kids and teach them to be truthful, respectul, honest and caring and you'll see how proud you'll be when they grow up!
I'm a proud mom of two wonderful young adults (21yo daughter whos almost done with college and a 17yo son who's entering his senior yr) who are loving, have good morals and good sense, thoughtful and considerate! Let me add, my kids NEVER gave any problems in school, nor they use foul language, at least I've never heard them infront of me. All my friends and even my own sisters have said I raised them so well. I also taught them never be a show off or be arrogant. I'm just proud, it's ok! ; j

~oh yeah! i remember one incident in which my one niece choked my daughter and my sister did absolutely nothing even though i showed her my daughters neck with her daughters fingerprints on her little neck! i was furious at that time! I always kept a very close eye on all kids!

IMO,.. "all" of U,meaning the adults here, need to Drop the issue & move on!It was an accident!
YOUR teen nephew put his hands out to shield himself!"YOU" said it!It happened so fast!!!

.It sounds to me like his sister(age ?) was possibly trying to get HIM in bigger trouble.. and after raising 2 children, BOY& GIRL, & 3 years apart.. it became obvious that siblings can do that ,meaning tattle on the other sibling & just to see what will happen! Maybe your SIL..,was annoyed ,as she viewed the issue,as his sister ,as adding fuel to a fire, ganging up on her brother .. &.. for something he did not mean to do,to your daughter,in the first place ! !If it is no big deal(?) tell your SIL, all is well!. Then you could take the high road & say,..that maybe your daughter should not have been trying to scare him,. as well! Reassure them all that YOU ARE not upset ,this is a misunderstanding & leave it at that!Calling your nephew a liar??..well... IN a car accident 14 people will see it 14 diff. ways ,& that is part of the issue! ..I am sure your nephew felt badly over the ACCIDENT..(and his cousin's bloody lip) ..IT does not sound like he ever ment to hurt her (he just overreacted) ..& in his mind (instant replay)he never touched her..But her lip ran into his hand/ ,when she was Scaring/ Pranking him!I think your MIL should totally stay out of it all! Period! MOVE ON!:)IMHO,.YOU & your SIL. could be making a "monkey" out of a mole hill!So maybe U could buy a funny "monkeyface mask" & tell your SIL ,she has permission ,to put it on & come over & scare you,too!;-)

Why was your daughter trying to scare her 14 year old cousin?Sounds like she likes getting his attention!! LOL. Also Sounds to me like she did a "lip licking".. good job of scaring him.. ! LOL..

Wow, I had to respond even though you have a ton of responses already since my son, 8 yr. old, lies about accidents too and I think it's important for him to apologize, even for an accident. A simple, "sorry about that. I didn't mean it" is fine, but it's not O.K to lie! I agree 100% with Heather S. who said you should sit down and have a talk- just you, your nephew and your SIL- the three of you- no other relatives and say to your nephew in front of your screwed up SIL, "nephew, I saw you-remember I was there and I witnessed you hit my daughter, but I know it was an accident. I just don't undestand why you lied about it when we both know, as well as your sister who also witnessed it that you did hit her, so I think the right thing to do is simply to say, "I'm sorry. It was an accident" which we'd all understand. How do you think he'd respond in front of your SIL? If he's really afraid of her, perhaps you could approach him alone but it would be best if you could iron this out with your SIL who have now dismissed your claim, making you look like the girl who cried wolf. It's a tricky one, but I would say something. Perhaps have your hubby by your side when you talk to them. Take a deep breath. Good luck!

I'm just guessing here, so I might be wrong, but it sounds a bit like some relatives we have. I'm like you - it's no big deal, let's just be honest about it - but I have relatives who are so terrified of not being perfect that they are unwilling to EVER admit a mistake or misdeed. They seem to feel that if they are ever imperfect in any way, no matter how tiny, it makes them a terrible, unlovable person, so they will go out of their way to tell everyone how it's "not my fault," or that something really didn't happen. To them, "it didn't happen" seems to mean the same thing I mean when I say, "no big deal" (and "no big deal" seems to mean, "i'm furious"). I just don't get it. That's why I think that "accidentally hit her mouth" from you equates in their brains to "beating her up." For my relatives, perception is more important than truth. They are constantly frustrated with me, because I'll be the only one in a room willing to say something out loud. They seem to feel that if it isn't said out loud, it's not real, and I've messed everything up by actually speaking the words. Just a guess, but this family seems to operate on the same principle. Trying to get everyone to agree, or insisting that other relatives believe one of you and not the other, will make everyone crazy.

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Obviously, they are not rational, drop it and let it go away, you focusing on it will just cause more problems for the kids.
I would take a moment when you are alone with your niece and nephew and talk to them-explain that your relationship with them should be different-you appreciate them telling the truth and are grateful that they get along with their cousin and you.
I have a sis and bil like this and sometimes my nieces 12 and 8 come to my house to get away from the drama.
They will lie to their parents but not to me. They will sneak and hide from their parents but don't act that way at my house. What happens at Aunt S.'s stays at Aunt S.'s and they are actually wonderful girls.