Hospice Care and a Wedding

A friend's mom was put on hospice after years of battling cancer and she is now recovering. She went to a holistic doctor. Not to give false hope but why just give up?

I am sorry you are going thru this and so sad for your sister. As I write this
my sister is dying. Just got back from hospital. Hours, maybe days, maybe a week at best. Let her get a second opinion. Who knows what someone else can offer. If I was not in my sisters room 2 1/2 years ago
when the doctor came in, she probably would have agreed to the surgery he
was suggesting as her only option. As soon as I heard the word pancreas
I knew exactly where I had to go with her records. Living a hour outside of
NYC and having on of the top pancreatic surgeons in the country at my fingertips, off to Columbia Presbyterian I went. Well his recommendations
were very different and she had two incredibly wonderful years. So who
knows, maybe someone out there has something to offer her. I would not
cancel the wedding. I think she would enjoy seeing you get married. Be patient with her. I know it is hard. Everyone reacts differently. My sister still has the ability to joke around. I hope your sister finds peace. Will keep you in my prayers.

Your sister probably doesn't want to face palliative care so young, and frankly neither would I. I would encourage her to get a second opinion. I do realize that her battle with cancer has also been a battle for the entire family, but I'm not so sure it's fair for you to use terms and the outlook that her cancer is "the stick to beat you all with." How fair is that? Being a nurse means you can see the diagnosis in a very clinical manner but this is your SISTER, who sees this as her LIFE. Not some clinical issue she can just put on a shelf at the end of every day. I also realize that lifelong sister issues are probably getting in between all of this coloring how you're viewing her reactions and such, but you really have to cut her a break. Especially since she's essentially been told that her cancer is terminal.

You can always get married but you won't always have a sister to spend time with. Make the most of the time you have left with her, and plan your wedding as you normally would and include her. Take lots of pictures of the planning process where she's involved. Take lots of pictures of her while she still looks healthy. Give her a special position and job in the wedding on your wedding day. Wedding is about family, after all, and not just the bride.

In addition, I would plan some special outings with her and spend some time organizing photo albums. Ask her if she has a list of things she'd like to do that you can hep her accomplish while she still has time.

EDITED TO ADD: I'm not sure you read my reply to your PM, so I hope you catch it here. If she's shutting you out, you plan as you would otherwise. You honored her request to postpone your wedding once already. She wasn't entitled to do that the first time, it was simply kind of you to honor that request. Now that she's going through this you don't have to continue to honor that old request. If she asks you again, I would simply say "I'm sorry, but not this time. We're ready to marry and have the date set. Hopefully you'll be able to attend." Since she's pushing you all away, leave her be. Send an invitation and then let her do what she will.

Also, I edited out a part of my original response as it hurt your feelings. My apologies.

Hi S.-

I am so very sorry that you (and your family) are going through this.

I imagine if I were 23...and had a diagnosis such as this...I would be ready to beat a few people with a stick myself!!

I would continue with wedding plans myself. I have seen TOO many diagnoses from docs that did NOT go according to plan...

One was my father...checked by a cardiologist...'good to go'...and died within a week.

Second...a daughter...'destined' to die within days of birth (she will be 16 in October).

The fact IS...LIFE GOES ON...and DEATH HAPPENS...

THAT is life...

Your sister can choose a second (and third) opinion...

BUT that does NOT mean that life does not move on.

Include her...

Best Luck (and prayers)
michele/cat

I am so sorry all of you are going through this. How horrible for all but especially your sister.
I think you should ask your sister what she would like you to do. I am assuming she has 6 months or less to live so I like to think if I were in your shoes I would make it all about my sister and what she wants/needs. She may really like to see you on your wedding day.
I will say prayers for all of you.

Hi! I can't tell you what to do about your wedding, you have to look in your own heart. But I can tell you about your sister... If she has the fight in her she needs to fight. The people around her need to help her fight. There is plenty of time later for other things. No matter how long or how hard she can't quit. Do everything, try everything. My sister lasted a very long time fighting. Long enough to get a lot more life in, long enough to laugh some more, long enough to do "bad" things with my children (which they fondly remember), long enough to dive some more, ski some more, do most of the things she was determined to do. She wanted to live on her terms, not the cancers. You will be amazed at what the human body can do. And then one day, way after everyone told her to give up SHE was ready to give up the fight she did. Your sister is so young, I know breast cancer is bad. I also know you can't give in to it, you have to go kicking and screaming. I'll be praying for your sister...

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.
I would go ahead with the wedding. Life is what we make it and it might give your sister something to look forward to. Plan on making her a part of it as much as she is willing or able to handle.
I have a sister. I wouldn't want her putting anything on hold for me unless I was literally on my deathbed taking my last breaths.
She would include me just as life was going on to make me feel better and not guilty that something I couldn't control was happening.

You said it's been a 4 year journey. That's a long time.
I work in the medical field and I have family that have been on hospice and outlived their need for it. My step mother....knock, knock, knocking on death's door.....NOPE.
We have a client that was so close to death the family had gathered and she was on hospice. We literally thought she would pass away in October. She was on the verge, for sure, but she's been off Hospice care and has caregivers that take her out everyday to shop or get her hair done. We talk to her every day. She calls to confirm who will be there to take her where she needs to go and what time they'll be there.
I had another client who had stage 4 breast cancer. She had Hospice while she went through chemo because it was just her husband and daughter in the home. That was 9 years ago. She's still here.

I'm not trying to downplay a dire situation. I'm not trying to sound in "denial".
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she wants a second opinion, let her get one. Let her be stubborn. She's got some fight in her and I can't see anything wrong with that.
I wouldn't go down without a fight either.

If I was that sick and my sister was getting married, I'd hang on for dear life to live to see it.

That's just me. My opinion.
None of us know how many days we have in this world and I, personally, think we just have to make the most as best we can.
Hospice might actually be able to help YOU as a family member because Hospice is not about dying. Hospice is about dealing with things as they come and maintaining dignity and fulfilling wishes while you are living, however long or short that might be.

I've lost so many people I love that I might have a different perspective, people may disagree with me, but unless she's actually on her death bed, I think you should move forward with your plans.
Your sister is still here. Treat her like she is. Include her as much as possible. Give her something else to focus on.

Again, I'm so sorry and I wish your family the very best.

She needs to do what is best for her.. So she can die with no regrets.

and you need to do what is best for you. I say go forward with the wedding and hope your sister will live that long and as a bonus, be able to attend.

I am so sorry you are all going through this. I am sending you strength.

Wow, this is tough, I'm so sorry for you. Everyone has listed really good points and I guess I'm not entirely sure which side of the fence I'm on, but I did want to add that maybe your sister wants to be at your wedding. Just b/c she wants a second opinion doesn't mean she isn't thinking about your big day too. It's possible that she wants to make sure she's here for that just as much as she's here for herself. I probably would consider supporting her decision for a second opinion, provided that she hasn't really gotten one previously. If she's been working with the same doctor this whole time, then yeah sure, find out what others say. Even so, she may have to do this for herself. She may not be able to find peace otherwise. I can't imagine how difficult all this is for your family.

June 2 is, what, 3 weeks plus change away?
Just because she's receiving hospice care doesn't mean she can't attend the wedding.
I'd guess she'd love to be there.

If it was MY life, I'd want a 2nd opinion as well--maybe that's what she needs to find peace?

Sorry about your sis.

Unless you think that your sister is going to pass before your wedding date, I would not cancel your wedding plans. Primarily because you've probabaly already sent out invitations.

If you think she will pass, then you might consider moving it up a few weeks.

Also, if need be, you can do a bedside ceremony (with just immediate family and witnesses), and let guests know that the schedule event will instead be a reiteration of the vows and a celebration of the marriage, instead.

I know you are all struggling, and you are trying to balance your needs against your sister's. But think long and hard about decisions now---and please don't let her hold you hostage because of this tragic illness. A lot depends on her maturity, what you can live with, and how close you are as sisters/friends, of course. Follow your heart. And if she will not get counseling, I would strongly urge you to get into counseling and/or a support group---it could really give you a lot of support and help you work through this difficult time.

I'm so sorry to hear this, especially for someone so young. Recommending hospice is not something doctors do willy-nilly, it is a consensus of doctors that comes to the conclusion that a person has 6 months or less to live, as you know. But, you must also know that denial is one of the stages of grief, and her reaction is understandable.

June 2 is only in a few weeks, if your heart is still in it continue with your plans. From what I found when my Dad was in hospice, the dying want the living to keep living.

If it will be upsetting to her to see you marry, why not tone your ceremony down and make it not such a big deal? Whether you have or don't have your planned wedding on June 2 will not change your sister's outcome. Friends of mine had a simple ceremony with few people in attendance when her Dad was dying so he could be there, then a big vow renewal with everyone attending on their one-year anniversary.

God bless you all, I know this is hard.

I would let her get her 2nd opinion. She probably also knows that hospice means "end of life care". She may not be ready to accept that yet. I would also go on with the wedding plans until you know more. Your choices then are to hold off, do something sooner so she can be there, or have it on time. Or a little of the above. I'm sorry for her illness and your soon to be loss during what should otherwise be a happy time.

Continue with the planned wedding. Your sister is holding you hostage to her demands and being a bit unreasonable. It's been four years and things in life have changed and your life has to move on to the future. I know that this might sound a bit harsh but you are only responsible for one person in life and that is you.

There is no guarantee that sis will or will not be here on June 2 but your son and fiance will be and it is to them that you must look for comfort. Also your fiance's mother has colon cancer and I am quite sure she would like to see her son married before anything happens to her.

Know that in your heart you care for both of these women deeply but you have to do what is right for you and your future.

My best to you. You and your family will be in my deepest thoughts.

The other S.

PS I, too, have been battling a four year cancer battle with my husband so I understand where you are coming from. I know that one day the chemo will not work and am enjoy each day the best I can with him. He also knows this and is doing all he can to enjoy what quality of life he has. Think positive and all will be well.

Do not put your wedding on hold. Get married and make your sister a part of it. Spend as much time with her as you can. I am sure your future mother in law would like to see you married before something happens to her.

It won't hurt for her to get a 2nd opinion. At worst, she'll get a false sense of hope that has her continue to fight. At best, she'll learn there is hope and start a treatment that gives her more time. Or maybe someone else will confirm what she's been told and can help guide her and help her make peace. And, if she wants to use the diagnosis as a stick to beat you with, let that be ok, too. . . if she's 23 years old and dying, let her handle it however she needs to handle it. Dp you want to postpone the wedding? Perhaps talk to your family about it. If I were you, I'd probably postpone the wedding if at all possible. However, others would say not to do that. So, it's primarily what you, your parents and your siblings (and finace) are comfortable with doing.

Hello S.,

I would imagine you are in favor of moving forward with the wedding or you wouldn't be asking us.

I volunteer the Susan G Komen Race every year in May. I see some very young people with numbers that say, "In memory of Mom". As sad as it is these people are too young to stop life, they have to carry on. I totally get it, she is upset, but at the same time if it is your time to get married, then you should.

While you are still very young, who knows what the future holds for you...hopefully nothing but good. In our situation, we didn't have our child together for six years. It just wouldn't happen.

So in short, if the time is right for you and you fiance, then you should get married. You said it was going to be simple, so I don't see any problem.

I say put the wedding on hold...there is no way I could be happy planning a wedding. I feel for all of you. But one thought....maybe ask your sister if she is able...would she like to attend your wedding...if you decide to go on with it. I don't know how close you two are...I know things like this put stress on everyone envolved. But me personally...without a doubt...would have to see the battle to the end, until I even gave thought to my own happiness. But my sisters and I are extremely close. Death is final...there will never be another chance to have this time with her. Good luck to all of you...and I say that from the bottom of my heart.

I would say have the wedding as planned on June 2, just because her life is on hold, doesn't mean everyone's should be! I'd say to try to include your sister and MIL in the wedding as much as possible - if you "wait" again, they may not be there to be involved. Explain to your sister you don't want to wait till she is gone, or sicker, you want to get married and you want her there with you! You are allowed to be happy for yourself and your future and sad about your sister at the same time, that is life, unfortunately, but you are allowed to be joyus on one day for your wedding, and have the focus on you and happiness for one day out of 4 + years.

Second opinions are a good idea, in any serious diagnosis, but so is counseling. See if maybe you can get her to go to counseling as a family unit, not just by herself, with you and your parents and her all involved, maybe???

You are allowed at the very least one day out of 4 years. Also it sounds like maybe your family could use a happy celebration. Congratulations!! <3

This may sound harsh, but, do you WANT her in the wedding? If you keep waiting, that may not happen. :(

Plan your wedding - your life can't be put on indefinite hold.