Homes and Friends

Well, shoot. I just lost the "How Many Post About Houses Will J. Write This Week" pool by ONE day. AGAIN.

Grrrr.

:(

Why would you risk a friendship over looking at a house that you say only has an 8% chance of you buying it????

BTW how does one come up with a number like 8%? Just seems odd to me.

If I told my friend that I would not look at this house as you say you did..... then don't go look at the house.

I am a person of my "word" and I never give my "word" unless I fully intend to stand by it.

Just tell her you no longer want to be friends, more efficient.

Kind of confused about the anger in your what happened. You posted your friend wants this house but at a price point that she hopes it reaches in the summer. You say I can afford to steal this home out from under her because we have more money. I would love to spend 150k less, in other words I would like to buy it.

Then you change everything in your what happened and chastise everyone who doesn't agree with you.

Do you realize you do this a lot? I am considering starting a pool next time you post betting on what point you will attack everyone on while still claiming you are a victim.

J.,

If you already know your husband will NOT like the cul-de-sac the house is on, why even bother looking at it? It would be a waste of your time and your real estate agent's.

If there is a chance you are going to buy it? No, it doesn't make you a bad friend. If you know for a fact they can't afford it and you can, stuff happens.

If inventory is short in your area, the chances of them reducing the price and it selling for less than asking is reversed...when it's a sellers market (not much inventory on the market and more buyers than there are houses) it won't sell for less, it will sell for asking if not more.

My answer to your question - how good are you at your word? You told this friend you would NOT...and now you want to? That smacks of lack of integrity to me. You said you would NOT...you should NOT.

Well, when I am in the crux of a moral dilemma, I try to ask myself: How would I feel if the situation were reversed?

I can tell you, the way I feel about the people I call friends-- no, I wouldn't look. Period. It's not for me to judge what my friends can afford and decide that this is too upscale for them. They may have access to money that I don't know about and which is none of my business. And *because I gave my word*-- and that means something to me.

per your SWH: I'm genuinely confused. Either you did give your word but are now justifying going back on it because you feel she was gracious about the idea of you looking at it.... or you knew this already and frankly, that would be a non-issue, right? Not really worth a post for most healthy people. (A 'well, she said it was fine, so what are you waiting for' sort of thing.) So, it feels like there's something intrinsically manipulative going on-- post a proposed situation which will garner some strong opinions from others (and then keep changing the circumstances) OR you really gave your word but decided not to honor it. Creating drama, either way.

Later: ah, you added more! I guess you don't know how to posit a question for debate? Hmmm... well, I will just have to remember that you like to post half truths when you are bored. Kind of weird, though, to call us 'haters' when you are the person actively objecting to the answers you solicited.
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My *word* means more to me than a house.

Confusing question... You say it's promising yet only an 8% chance of buying it... You ask if it's ok to "go look at it" then say just "look online". But sounds like end of day not an issue as no need for you to slum it on this ugly road when you can afford so much nicer than your friend. Go with the nice farmhouse that is much more you guys.

Why would you want to look at a house on an ugly cul-de-sac 150K below your budget that you already told your friend you wouldn't look at?

You seem very interested it talking about what you can afford or what you have compared to her. My advice is to just buy the farmhouse and be done with it.

If I told a friend I would not look at the house, then I wouldn't. It seems like you are changing your story. First you say you tell her you won't look at the house and in your so what happened, you are lashing out at people for hearing that and saying she told you you could look. So which is it?

My problem is that you already know the home's location on an ugly culdesac road will preclude you from buying it, why even bother? Just go with the farm house that is way more you.

I deleted my response after reading your SWH. We took the facts as you laid them out. You did not say that you would talk to her first; you just asked our opinion if you went ahead and looked at it. You were also hedging your bets by telling us that in your opinion she would not be able to afford that house and that she is "just dreaming." So you really did make it sound like you were interested. Sorry you didn't like the responses.

Theresa, although I laughed when I read your post, it was not nice.

J., Murphy's Law. You will look and you will like. Let it pass.

As we get older friends are hard to find.

There's no harm in looking at it.
You might not like it.
But if you end up loving it and buy it you might lose your friend.

The thing is - her dream - of the price coming down by a whole lot and thinking it will still be available this summer when the inventory is so low in your area - is not very realistic.
If you don't bid for it out of friendship - someone else will.
She'll still not get the house.
And if you like it you'll have missed out.

Friends tend to come and go.
If the house is really perfect for you it's possible you might live in it 30+ years.
If your friend is likely to drop you over this or hold a grudge, how good of a friend is she really?
You have to weigh what is more important to you.

If it were me, I would go look at it without telling my friend. She doesn't need to know. Chances are, there will be something you don't like about it and you can rule it out. I don't think you have to tell her that you are going to look at it. I don't think that damages your integrity at all.

Reading below: I guess I'm unique. I think of myself as having integrity, but my friends don't need to know my every move. I look at houses I have zero intention of buying, just for kicks. No big deal. It's just looking.

If you like it and really want to put an offer on it, then you need to talk to your friend. You could just tell her that she has first dibs on it, but that if she can't afford it or is not going to bid on it, then you are.

It doesn't hurt to look. If it never enters her price range, but is in yours, why should you miss out on a home that would be great for your family's needs?

When I started talking to other house-hunting parents at my kid's school about our house search, we were surprised how many of the same houses we had looked at. We all have different needs and financial situations, so just because we're both looking at something doesn't mean that one of us would steal it from the other. Turns out the house that looked perfect to me, online, had some things that weren't so great about it, and we moved on. But, another parent from our school has put an offer on it.

ETA: But, if you DO look at it, just tell her up front that you're going to take a look. Or ask her if you can go look at it together.

Seriously, people can lighten up about this. It shouldn't ruin a friendship. When my in-laws were looking for a home in California, my SIL's in-laws were also looking for a home in the same city. They had relatively the same parameters for the search, so we all looked together. Both of them ended up liking a few of the same homes, but there were enough distinguishing features or perks on location that made them decide to put offers on 2 different homes. They both bought homes that they're both very happy with, even though they had a few overlaps in their favorites.

Just a few weeks ago one of the families from my son's school gave me a heads up that a vacant lot within steps of school was going to be going on the market. They knew I was looking, so they told me and a few other people. We aren't in a position to buy a lot that expensive, so we had to pass on it, but I was really happy to see that my son's classmate's parents, who are Builders, bought the lot and will be building on it. Why should we BOTH lose out on it just because one of us can't afford it? It's a great property!

I don't get the moral dilemma you have set up.

You told her that you would not look at it, but you have (online). So why NOW decide that you have a dilemma? You've already passed that point. Soooo... the rest is moot.
Discuss your intentions. Tell her you changed your mind about looking at it. Whatever. But, you should admit that you have ALREADY stepped over the moral line. You voluntarily TOLD her that you would NOT look. But you did.
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Tsk tsk tsk...
" In any case, I told my friend I would not look at this house. However, I was just looking at it online,"

Mental note to self: ignore future posts.

You already know that the house has one huge deal-breaker: The road. So why waste any time or energy even looking at it when doing so would (a) possibly break your heart since you might love the house but know you won't get it; (b) suck up time you should spend looking at other, more realistic options; and (c) possibly offend your friend, despite the fact she claims she's fine with your looking at it?

It does sound like it's not going to ever be hers, if she's waiting until summer, it's 90k above her range, etc. but there is no dilemma here. You don't have to break your word to her because you don't need to visit it. You will just be, well, jerking yourself around, right? Teasing yourself by possibly seeing a great house that you know you would not buy due to the road?

Are you and your husband working with a realtor? If not, consider it -- they really can help narrow down choices for you so that you don't waste time looking at places that have problems. Our realtor knew not to even bother with certain types of houses, certain locations, etc. and that saved us effort. If you're already working with a realtor, tell him or her to get a move on, and provide a list of deal-breakers so the realtor can narrow down the search.

I don't see anything wrong with looking at a house. This is a commercial undertaking, you would go in with a realtor, and you're researching homes in the area. That can include materials in use, what they do for home value, and general market information that affects everything in the same town. Whether you tell her or not is up to you. I'd encourage her to look at other homes as well, which would I guess include the one you think is more "you". I think any time people have all their hopes wrapped up in one house (or one school, or one car, or one anything), it has a potential for disaster. She just moved 1.5 years ago but made a poor decision, it sounds like, so she's unhappy with her choice. You don't say how the promise was made that you would not look at it - did she bring it up, or did you? On some level, if people are promising each other they won't look at or buy another house in case the other one wants it (but maybe won't, or maybe can't afford it, or whatever), it's limiting them both and also the seller of the home!

If you buy the home, it may have an impact on your friendship even if she can't afford it - she may be resentful of your financial ability to do what she cannot, and that could actually apply in any home you buy.

If your friendship is based on who lives where, it's not very solid, is it? So I don't think you need to protect something that's not protectable. If it IS a solid friendship, then you both should want the other to be happy, and I would hope she'd feel the same way. If the price comes down, either or both of you would have to move very quickly. I think it makes sense for both of you to see as many homes in as many layouts as you want, and for your husband to decide about the whole cul-de-sac thing by actually seeing homes in that setting, and so on. If you get a sense of what it will likely sell for, you can pass that info on to her. If it rules her out entirely, then there's no issue and she can put aside her dreams of this particular home.

Another option is to go look at it together - if you are very close, you can discuss the good points and bad points, see what she's looking for and she can know what you want, and so on. You have to be careful about discussing the money part even with good friends, of course. But if you both are looking for yourselves as well as each other, it strengthens things. She might find there are things about the house she doesn't love all that much when she talks to you - maybe the layout isn't idea or the basement has flooding or the yard needs too much work. She could opt out entirely, and so could you.

Good luck!

no, you're not a bad friend for looking. after all, you ARE in the market.
but if they decide to put in a bid for it, i'd defer to them.
it's unlikely that it'll happen anyway.
when we were house-hunting there was very little we WOULDN'T look at!
when you told them you 'wouldn't look at it' did you mean that you wouldn't seriously consider it, or literally that you would not set foot in it? i'm assuming the former. but it would probably be best to let her know so that no hard feelings ensue.
khairete
S.

You said you wouldn't look, but you did so it is a moot point, right? If you mean physically looking at the property, why bother? If it isn't a real contender just skip it since presumably you agreed to do so.

I personally think it is kinda lame to ask a friend not to look at a specific house because I might want to buy it someday...in the future....if the price is substantially decreased.

Well I guess I will be in the hated category as J. is posting another house question.

Perhaps by the end of the year she will have "found" her dream home and moved.

You can only hunt so long and then everything becomes a big blur. As I have said in the past you should take time off and sit down with husband and decide what you really want and where you will live at what price. We are not privy to the finances but it sure has you all over the place. Find a dollar amount and stick with it. If the homes don't fit it, they are not looked at and if they do and you trust a realtor, then look. Otherwise it will be two years later and you will be on here about a house or a block or a street or something.

It is time to poo or get off the pot and buy.

the other S.

PS I am in the pool that she will be back in a few weeks with another house question.

If your intent was to just ask, "what would you do?", you shouldn't be so defensive and upset with everyone's answers. If she really wasn't "seriously" looking to move and just looking online for fun, then of course you can go see it since you are actively looking to move. If it were me, I would ask her if she minded us looking at it and take it from there. If she said go ahead, then it's fair game, but I would be honest with her if we ended up liking it and wanting it. If she said no, then I wouldn't go see it because her friendship would mean more to me than a house. JMO. Good luck.

Talk to her, tell her the truth, and look at the house.

Are you leary of looking b/c it's a friend's home? If that's the case, I wouldn't worry about that. This is business. Most of the time, the seller doesn't know who's buying the home. If anything is said (aka if you say you've decided to look at it afterall) & they'd like to know why you changed your mind, just simply say something like "we took another look at it online & saw that it really suits our needs more than we initially thought" and just leave it at that or you can, if you feel the need to, add something light like "we were a bit hasty in deciding that it wasn't for us initially" & that usually should satisfy their curiosity...hope this helps, good luck!

If you're friends why can't you see it when you're visiting with her at her house? That really confuses me. I am in my friends houses all the time and they are in mine....

If my friend was selling her house I'd offer to come look at it with her there so I could tell her what I think she might want to fix up, clear out, enhance, change, clean, get rid of, etc...so her house would be staged really well.

If you're really not interested in it then why look at it at all? Less than 8% chance of buying it? You already have a house you like and want?

Why build her hopes that perhaps the ones coming to look at her house today will be the ones that make an offer on it. The rushing around to clean up, leaving for a period of time, stressing out if something isn't just right but there's not enough time to straighten it up, those are all things a home seller would be going through in preparation for a showing.

I'd rather have a more casual walk through. Where you can say "Hey, I'd love to see the rest of your house, to see what you've done to get it ready to sell, when can I come over and have the grand tour?".