Holidays and Mother-in-Law

Yes, have your own Christmas with your daughter in her own home for once. Then you can go Christmas eve or the next day for just an hour or two to visit MIL and exchange presents. I also do not see why you have to "Ignore your own small family", MIL is not holding you down not to go see them is she?
Thank her for all the years she supported you living at their house, thank her for all the Christmas dinners, but I would say this year we are having it at our house on Christmas day since that is my birthday wish, and you can come or we will see you the day before or after. Just put your foot down. If hubbie goes to mom's house then just have it with your family. Stick to your guns but be nice about it.

I have a similar problem only for me it is Thanksgiving Day. I love Thanksgiving. I love cooking, smelling up the whole house with yummy food eating and as much as I want. There are much different at my MIL's. She doesn't insist on hosting, sometimes one of the sister's will host, but it's not where I want to spend my day and it's not making great memories for my kids.

So, we go to the in-laws house every other year. We still see them at some point close to the actual holiday, but every other year I stay home with my husband and two kids and any good friends who need a place to spend the holiday.

It's not rude or selfish of either of you I don't think. Your MIL is heavily vested in tradition and Christmas Day is her "thing", and you want your own traditions and memories for your daughter. I would be gracious about it and heartfelt. As Catherina suggested, let her know how thankful you are for years past, and also how much it mean to you to have Christmas at home. It's her choice not to come.

Best wishes!

Hi,

I would just put my foot down and say it is not only Christmas, but your birthday. I would not be rude about it, but firm. Invite your family over, let your husband know that it is nothing against his mom and she is more than welcome to come over too. Let him know that it would not feel like Christmas without her, but this is all you want for your birthday.

I hope it works out for you! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday!!

I wish you good luck with this one! I am gifted that mine lives in Florida!

Take a big breath and let it out for starters. :) Thats alot of frustration. Coming from a weird family myself, I can tell you how we do christmas and maybe give it a try on your end. For christmas at our house we send out christmas cards to everyone at the beginning of December with the invite to come over to our house for christmas potluck. They can either come or not but thats their choice. We are giving them a whole month to think about it and decide. That leaves the door open for the rest of the family to pick another day to do it at their house without the added pressure.

My suggestion is next year do up the christmas cards and include an invite to come to your place for christmas and dinner. Your MIL can make up her mind if she wants to come and will probably bark at it to you and your husband but with all the invites already gone out she has no choice but to pick a different day. Plus you can always tell her that she can have hers on the next day and you would be more then happy to come over then.

Hope that helps :)

My heart goes out to you!!! YES, you may have your own Christmas!!!
You do not have to breathe in her smoke, sing a quick rendition of falala..
happy birthday and the day is over. YOu have been an amazing daughter in
law! Now, it is your turn :-) YOUR family....
If your mother in law is upset, she needs to learn to deal with her own emotions. Life is not perfect, nor do we always get what we want.
It is time for her to reach deep and look beyond herself. No matter how hard
a learning curve it may be...we learn until we die.
This is YOUR Christmas my friend! Stand your ground.......
Bring your joy, tradition, happiness into your own home.....Smoke Free..YAY!
set a date after Christmas where she can have you all over.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I'm wondering why in the world a grown woman like yourself asks your mother in law for "permission" to host Christmas...and your own birthday party? Since your husband is not capable of standing up to his mother and being the husband he ought to be for you, then YOU must be the one to take a stand and instead of ASKING MIL, you need to say, "I'm hosting Christmas at MY house with MY family this year. I hope you will join us." If MIL says "no way," then that is her loss. The way I see it, you are the one losing year after year and you need to change this! When a man and woman get married, the two shall become one, the man clings to his wife (not his mama) and live happily ever after. OR something like that.
Host Christmas at your house...and have a very happy birthday with your family.

Hi L.,

I would tell MIL she can have Christmas Eve, and you are starting new family traditions for your family and will be hosting Christmas. If she doesn't come then so be it. If your husband chooses to stick by his mom then he is a fool. I am all about having a close relationship with the in-laws, (mine are both gone, and I loved them dearly) but this is just not right. She has to bend, and it sounds like she is so used to having her way that someone needs to take a stand. I never left the house when my kids were small on Christmas. I made a huge breakfast, my mom and in law's would sleep over and be present while the kids opened their gifts. Priceless memories for all of us. I don't understand why people can't just be flexible and be grateful that they have family who would want to do for them, and spend time with them. Stick to your guns, bake Christmas cookies with your daughter and enjoy your own home. Merry Christmas!!

What a bummer. It sounds like you have had the patience of a saint. Seriously.
Have Christmas at her house this year and then....after the holidays are over, just start throwing it out there that you will be having Christmas day and your birthday at your house next year. She can say no all she wants, but she'll also have a year to stew on it.
What wrath are you worried about? I know mother in laws can be pains, but she really will get over it. What is she going to do? Not invite you for Christmas day anymore?
You can still do Christmas eve at her house and she doesn't have to come to your house if she doesn't want to for Christmas day.
I never will understand why people get so possessive or territorial over holidays. I don't think you are being out of line to want a Christmas at your own house. I come from a family of divorced parents and step siblings whose parents have remarried and everybody just has to be flexible and share and not make a big thing out of it. Deep down, everybody wants everybody to be happy and they realize that people can't be in two places at once (or more).
Like I said....just make up your mind that you will do things differently next year....as a gift to yourself. Don't make a huge thing out of it, but give your mother in law plenty of time to get used to the idea. If she's still pissed 12 months from now, oh well.
There comes a time when you have to think about your own life. She admits she's being selfish and if your husband won't stand up for you, stand up for yourself. It doesn't have to be a confrontational thing. Make it your New Year's resolution.

I really, really wish you the best.

Tell her that you are spending next christmas at your house- you would love her to come and celebrate with you. You deserve to be hostess at least one christmas! It is very selfish of her to not budge on this one-- tell her you will not be attending next year so she has a choice she can do christmas alone at hers or she can join you at yours. Good luck. Make sure your hubby is on board though-otherwise, this will go no where.

M

L.,

First of all, I want to tell you what a SAINT you are for have lived with your MIL for 9 freaking years. I would have rather died. Bless you, my child! LOL! Anyway, something you said VERY MUCH concerns me. You said you inhale your MIL's second hand smoke. You lived with your MIL for 9 years, all the while second hand smoking??? You second hand smoked for 9 years??? I am very worried about your health. You can get lung cancer!!!! Second hand smoking is almost as bad (or might be just as bad) as first hand smoking!! Christopher Reeve's wife died of lung cancer and never smoked - but always second hand smoked (when she sang at bars/night clubs). First thing Monday morning, call your doctor and make an appointment to have a chest x-ray so you can see how black it might be (I will pray it is not black). Same goes for your husband and your daughter. Your poor daughter could get lung cancer! I am not trying to scare you, but you need to know how very serious this is/might be! Don't ever step foot in your MIL's house ever again! You have the perfect excuse - she smokes! Tell her you have been inhaling her smoke for 9 years and it is going to stop. This is so much more than a moral issue - this is a health issue, and guess what? YOU WIN. I think you win just on the moral issue, by the way. So, not if, but WHEN you host on Christmas, tell your MIL that she is NOT allowed to smoke in your house (she can go outside to smoke if she must). I will pray for you and your family's health. Hugs.

My MIL was like this too. You gotta just say no! Is your Mom willing to help? My mom helped me out a bit with this one: the first few times she made a point to tell my MIL how grateful she was to spend time with us on the holiday the next time they spoke. It really hit home for my MIL and she at least toned down her griping.

L., I read your what happened, please for the love of God, spend this Christmas with your mother!!! you'll pray she'll live another year to spend Christmas with her??? what kind of spell has you MIL put on you???
the time to start your OWN traditions is NOW girl, don't wait another year. You've given you MIL 9 long years of holidays, what about your mom??? Honestly I would be devastated if my girls grow up and not come to spend Christmas with us for 9 years straight. Can't you at least spend Christmas eve with your mom? How does she feel about this?
and on top of everything it's your birthday, do what you want before it's too late,

I cant understand your asking when you know what the answer will be. You've paid your dues, why wait till next year? You've admitted you cant stand up to her. She's admitted she's selfish. If I were your mom I would not understand. I'd know you dont care enough about me and my heart would be broken year after year. Sounds like you dont care enough about your own family. You need counseling, does she bully you in other areas as well? Does you hubby tell you what to do? Also YOU have exposed your kids to second hand smoke, dont blame that poor decision on anyone else. I dont mean to be mean but PLEASE get counseling or take a course that teaches you how to stand up for yourself, and give your own mother what she deserves.