Holding Back Your Child in School...

As a former school teacher, I would recommend getting a referral from your son's pediatrician for a child psychologist. Get his IQ tested, along with possible ADD and ADHD. Rule out ADD and ADHD. If he has neither, his IQ will be a great reference for you academically. 100 is average. 130 plus is considered gifted. He could be very smart, but also very disorganized. He may just need some extra nurturing and guidance in management skills. Ask his teacher if you could volunteer in the class regularly. Read to the kids, help with your son's reading group, grade papers, organize book orders, etc. Get involved in the classroom and make your own observations. I believe that mom's have the best intuitation about their kids, better than well meaning teachers and drs.

I would not hold him back. He's just having a rough year. Just continue to work with him one on one. You could also get a tutor to come to your home to help out ... maybe even a volunteer. Perhaps he's just being lazy or maybe he doesn't like his teacher and doesn't want to "perform" for him/her, maybe he likes the extra attention he's getting from you... another thing could be that he's actually quite gifted and he's rebelling... it's not uncommon for gifted kids to question the significance of the work they are asked to do and then they refuse to do it. In any case, the last thing I would do is hold him back.

This is always a tough decision. I am from Philadelphia where a child has to be 6 to enter first grade. My son is also very intelligent, and was moved from preschool to kinder early, but we finally decided to hold him in kindergarden for a second year. He is now 9 and in third grade- which I agree is extremely chalenging. He is still top in his class, and gifted(according to LAUSD), but still immature- holding back didn't change his personality. He does his work, and is learning to focus and pay attention. In second grade he refused to sit to do his work, printing was horrible and I actually spent most of the year at school keeping him out of recess to complete his work. His second grade teacher and I worked very closley- she called me pretty much daily and when he refused to finish something (or it was to sloppy) it was sent home, and I showed up at recess and lunch. My son did not like the repetativeness of his work, he felt if he knew it he should not have to do it again. I used rewards and punishment at first- minutes for video games kept track of daily on a wall calendar that he could add up when he had free time and redeem, but finally immediate response(no recess) was all that worked. I did ask for a strict teacher this year, and they seem to get along great. She enjoys his intelligence and when there is a problem they talk it put-not me. He is also enjoy all the new chalanges- cursive, multiplication, division. Keeping it fresh keeps him focused. I have decided not to check his work this year and not to help too often- time to learn consquences. Now we discuss comprehention about things we read on our own, harry potter etc.(I read everything he does) and I have explained pride in his work using video game examples- you get to the next level. We practice writing by sennding cards to family. Putting what they learn into practical context seems to help. We also went to SCORE and outside learning center, he enjoyed using there computer system and recieving prizes- it showed him he was smart. So in answer to your question Holding back at this age is hard- peers will notice and kids arn't nice. I would not be able to do it, unless we changed schools. I think a teacher judging this early in the year is not fair. If you two work closly, he may make it. I think you should approach her with ideas, and ask for her patience as your son adjust to the third grade, smart kids don't always take pride in their work- they don't have too they know it. I would go over every test and assignment that comes home and have him try to fiqure out what went wrong, what he missed, correct them and return them. (These will not count but if the teacher makes positive notice of this work it could encourage him to complete it properly in the first place) My son had a PE teacher last year that always called him a kidergardner this did not help his self esteem. If you and the teacher work on his strengths the rest should follow. I would not cosider holding back until all avenues have been researched, and find out about the fourth grade teachers, is there one that would work well with your son. Talk to the principal are there any options to help your son. Good Luck!

Have you looked into homeschooling? There is so much info on the web:

californiahomeschool.net
amblesideonline.org
classical-homeschooling.org
hslda.com
tjed.org
homeschooling.gomilpitas.com

I have 3 children including 11 yr old twins. I took the twins out of public school in 2nd grade. They were unable to read and barely knew their math facts. The third week of school the teacher told me she wanted to hold them back. How could she know after only 3 weeks of school how they were going to do at the end of the school year? She had already given up on them and school had just started for the year.
I removed them from school that week and began my homeschooling journey. I also removed my 6th grader at the same time. Now my twins are 11 and are at 9th grade level and my 15 yr old is taking college classes.

Maybe it is the lack of structure that is bothering him. I know I do better with a lot of structure. Maybe for second trimester/semester you could have him placed in another 3rd grade class. Our school has two or three.

My daughter was two weeks shy of 5 when she started kindergarten. She will be 16 when she starts Senior year. She was very shy as a 4-year old but we took the chance and she blossomed. She is at the top of her class, so I don't think age has much to do with it. It's all about the individual. Did he do well on state testing last year?

I really do feel where you are at with your child. My son just turned 7 in October and is in the second grade. He is a few months younger than the children in his class. This has been this way since Kindergarden and although he is MORE than capable to do the classwork etc... he has the same attitude that you mentioned in your son. Sloppy work, doesn't concentrate or sit still in class.

They have been trying to hold him back since the beginning but my son is well aware of what that means and it started to take an emotional effect on him. Because of that myself, his dad and my mom have become a huge support unit for him on a daily basis. We chose not to have him held back and have been working on different methods to get his concentration on track. Also, though to have him produce the kind of work we know he is more than capable of producing. We have gone as far as having the school test him to show that he is able to do the work at the level that he is at. ( and then some )

The school keeps pushing the same thing that you are dealing with the immaturity factor. And while there may be some truth to it, the fact remains that your son has performed well in the past and to be honest children grow and change. They may not always have a smooth performance each year in school. The best we can do as parents is become aware of what the situation is and find the best way possible to assist them. The teacher, even if your son likes her ( and good for him, it just makes things a little less challenging ) is definitely affecting his performance with her lack of structure.

My only advice would be to help him out as much as you can and take everything ( esp. the teacher's approach to him and the class as a whole ) into consideration before you hold him back. I know it's not always an easy choice but if you think about it, your son CAN do the work and what some people consider immature may also be a carefree way about him. ( freespirit ) He may always be that way, and it's fine, just as long as he is able to pay attention when he needs to and focus on his work. It's a long road, and I can tell you it's filled with lots of struggles but my son has been performing very well. Still not in the A's and B's range, but progressing ( and believe me he is one of those freespirited ones! )

Hope it helps, it's just one point of view. = )

We held my stepson back in 4th grade because he was having difficulty - not turning in assignments and getting frustrated with so much homework. We basically determined that he had not mastered the material and sending him forward would only make the next years more difficult. The good thing is that we changed his school and he didn't have to explain why he was in 4th grade again (his mom moved to a new district.) we still struggle with his homework, but it was absolutely the right thing for him.

I'll tell you what -I started school kindergarden at age 5 and graduated high school at 17 - it sucked - I wish that my mom would have held me back for the shear fact that everyone was older than me and seem to get everything quicker than me - as an adult I've found clever ways to train my brain to keep up but it's very frustrating at times and was really frustating all through school - on the same token we've all had crappy teachers we didn't much care for or just didn't respect so didn't care how our grades ended up - if you think it's just the teacher then I wouldn't bother holding him back but if you truley feel that he is not meeting his potential and would do better by being held back then this would be the time to do it. GOOD LUCK!

hi J.,
i actually didn't even read your request, i just saw that you do Tastefully Simple and i need some beer bread...........can you please call me?
Where are you?
I have missed TS since i left back east and "lost" my old lady there!
:)
S. Witt
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Hi J.,

I am a former teacher of 10 years, teaching 2nd and 3rd graders. I know this is a difficult decision to be placed on you, and it sounds like there is much pressure on you to fix the "problem" of your son. However, I would strongly consider the correlation between this teacher's style and your son's plummeting performance. All children have different learning styles. With the right guidance, patience and approach, ALL children can be successful - just like your son was last year! Research consistently shows that holding kids back may produce slight gains at first, but then consistent losses over time. It is a quick fix idea that seems to make sense to many people in a system that often doesn't have the flexibility and creativity to address the many differing needs of today's children. I strongly urge you to listen to and trust your mother's intuition on this one. Schools are notorious for making parents doubt themselves, and it's a shame, because you know your son best. Do not let anyone capitalize on your fears about his premature start in life. With the right support, he'll flourish. Trust me! A teacher who demoralizes and yells at children has no place in any school. This teacher is the one with the problem to fix, not your precious son. You are your son's best advocate. Keep this in mind as you make decisions that will impact his beliefs about himself as a learner and his sense of personal success for the rest of his life. I am happy to talk with you further about this if you want more support. Wishing you all the best, A.

Hi J.! Omg...I have a 5y/o boy in the first grade and everything you have just mentioned about your son and his schooling is very much identical with that of my son. He also is premature at times especially during class time(ie. not focusing on things at hand, very easily distracted, sloppy handwriting,and rushing through his work, but seems to be scoring higher than some classmates in most subjects). I am doing the same things you are doing by helping out and working along side him and guiding him with writing skills. When my son was in kinder his teacher was informing me of his distractions, so I decided taking priveledges away and working on penmanship. I didn't think to much of it after I heard how her teaching skills were, she was the type that didn't have the patience to cope with several children and had shown favoritism to those she didn't need to constantly help, and on top of that resorted to yelling and name calling at 5 y/olds,( I know my son can make you be at your wits end but thats uncalled for and if she couldn't cope she should not have been a kinder teacher) but sadly i learned of all that during the kindergarten promotion, and it was quite late for accusations. At home my son was easily distracted as well, not always paying attention. It was like he decided when to zone out and I didn't know what to do because taking priveledges away and yelling was clearly not working(and I know yelling doesn't resolve anything). But then having his teacher now inform me I started thinking maybe it was ADHD. I spoke with my son's teacher and we set goal points to hit before we resolve heading in the direction of seeking medical advice. I was also told most boys mature at different times and is normal for them to be easily distracted. My son and I discussed the problem, and he is making more of an effort with his penmanship and keeping on track to doing the work. But he still is easily distracted. I'm still waiting out on the doctor route, but i do see improvements. Have you spoken to the counselor? If it is indeed due to his lack of pride in his work maybe there are sessions with the counselor at your childs school to help build his self esteem and help with his lack of attention. My son is taking a class once a week with his counselor and thats what really helped out. But for your question on holding your son back, I don't think that is a wise decision especially if you haven't already spoken to a doctor. But I would speak to the counselor as well as the teacher before coming up with a decision. I hope you and your husband find some help before coming up with a decision. Happy holidays to you and your family J..

Hi J.,

Your son is really lucky to have a mom like you who cares enough ask around about this and to help him so much at home. It's obvious that you're trying to do the best for him in the long run.

It seems to me odd that your son was doing so well six months ago and all of the sudden you're being told to hold him back. If the problems he's having this year are new and haven't been seen in prior school years, how can anyone be sure that the problem lies with your son? I'd ask for a second opinion: from the principal, other teachers? From everything you've said about your son's teacher it sounds like the teacher's teaching style and your son's learning style don't mesh. This happens sometimes, even with the best teachers or the best students.

It also sounds like your son might have feelings of hopelessness when it comes to school and homework. He seems to be getting feedback whenever he makes a mistake -- even if that feedback is coming in a kind voice from you when you're having him make corrections on his homework. Perhaps you can try noticing when he does something right, or even something that's not wrong. "Your teacher didn't call me today about your behavior." "Five of the ten answers on this paper are correct." "This sentence/word/letter is legible." Before he starts his homework(before he picks up a pencil), have him tell you what he's going to do and what the teacher's expectations are (including neat writing, answering all the questions, writing in complete sentences, showing his work on math problems, etc.) This way, you'll know he knows what to do and the "rules" will be fresh in his mind when he does it. After his homework is finished, have him point out two things that are done right, then you point out two things that are right. Then have him pick two things that need to be improved, then you pick two things (only two) to be improved. Have him work on those four things, then call it done. Praise him for finishing. (This is an accomplishment for someone who doesn't want to do the work.) Hopefully his self-image will change from someone who has trouble with the work and who is sloppy to someone who can complete assignments and who does things right.

Good luck.

You could have been describing my third grader. Though her teachers have never recommended holding her back.

The teacher you described sounded a lot like my daughter's kindergarten teacher. I still regret not pulling her from that class. Don't get me wrong, I liked her teacher, she was just the wrong teacher for my daughter.

My daughter's first grade teacher didn't have the patience or energy for any one in the class let alone my daughter. Her second grade teacher was a lot better and she worked as much as she could with her but this teacher chalked a lot of her behavior up as normal second grade behavior.

Now that my daughter is in third grade the behavior is finally being recognized as needing attention. Fortunately she has amazing teachers who have already gone above and beyond to find ways to help my daughter. One of the things her home room teacher has done is take her aside to teach her cursive writing. Because it is new my daugther is interested and takes the time to slow down and she does beautifully. After Christmas break (I am going to work with her more during the vacation) her teachers will start requiring her work to be in cursive... she really likes that idea because it makes her special in a good way.

My point is that before deciding to hold your son back, perhaps you can try another teacher maybe even a different school. My sister has had to do this with three of her children in different grades. She never tells them the real reason they are changing schools. She told her kindergartener it was because she didn't want to get up so early. Her third grader that the other school needed more students. But I think that it helps her children to not take it personally so they do really well in the other classes. And this way they can still like their old teacher.

I also thought the suggestion to have his IQ checked was a great one. I work in my daughter's class and there is one boy who is so adorable but he always gets into trouble. He is so incedibly smart and creative but sadly a lot of people just see the trouble maker, I know he is just too smart for his own good. He also has great teachers this year but I was just so sad for him in kindergarten (same teacher as my daugther) and first grade.

H.

Hi J., this is a tough one. I am also a SAHM of 4 kids, one of which I homeschool. My first question would be has anything at home or in his life changed drastically recently? If not, is he having difficulty with the teacher he has this year? Having the right teacher that can teach to his learning style can make a huge difference. You said he is immature for his age; did you start him in Kindergarten earlier than most other kids. Boys do tend to develop slower than girls - I held my son from starting Kindergarten an extra year so I knew he would be ready socially & academically. And I can tell you from my experience that 2nd & 3rd grades seem to be some of the toughest for kids. My daughter that I home school ended up having some learning difficulties that made her really regress in the 2nd grade. I opted to homeschool her because she now has extreme anxiety towards going to school. I have seen a huge improvement in having her home. She still has a more difficult time learning than the others but is doing better in other areas. I hope this helps a little - I think the most important thing is that your son knows you are firm with your rules on academics but that you are right along side of him to help him along with things; that includes sitting down with him each day to go over things together. I know it is hard being a work-from-home mom too but you can do it!!! Let me know how things work out or you are welcome to contact me privately and I can share a little more. My last year with my daughter was very difficult but we are finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. And as my husband (a teacher) says; it is more important that they understand what they are learning - not the grades that they bring home - if they love learning that is a wonderful blessing.

We are in a similar situation with a slightly younger child. My daugter who has a late september birthday was being forced to do a developmental kindergarten program this year. We refused! My feeling is this. sink or swim. At third grade things are a bit different. they have already developed friendships. The problem with holding an 8 year old back is that his classmates will undoubtedly tease him. Why? Because kids can be so cruel and not even know how cruel they are. We were all immature at one point in our lives. How mature does an 8 year old need to be? the pressures for good grades, getting into good colleges, etc is so great these days. I wish kids could be kids a bit longer. you say he is improving. Well do you reward the improvement? I am sure you pointed out the bad grades but did you really point out the little improvements he is making? I think this may be more than immaturity. does he get along with his classmates? Is the teacher in tune to his type of learning behaviors? Does he like going to school or is something making him not like it anymore? He sounds bright, I mean top 5 in his class last year is pretty darn good. why hold a bright child back now? I think he might be bored repeating the grade again and fall even farther behind. I once had a teacher that really didn't like me in school for whatever reason. Every paper I turned in was a d or F. I was really trying in her class but couldn't seem to get decent or even passing grades. One day my father did my assignment for me after months of pleading with them to help me. Let me add my father is brilliant. He has a phd in aeronautical enginerring . What grade do you think I got on that paper? You got it an big fat F. My father was mortified. He finished top in his class all through school and never even came close to an F in his life. He marched in to that teacher and gave her a piece of his mind. I tell you this story because maybe your son is trying in school but a teacher is killing his spirit. we all hope that all teachers are good and fair but let's face it they are human. they like some better than others. Dig a little deeper into what is going on at school. i bet you will find the answer is not with your son necessarilly but rather some other influence there. Try volunteering in the classroom a little so you can kind of watch what is going on. Good luck. I hope you can help him have a better second semester.

I know you have probably read as much as you can handle at this point in time. I'll admit, there was far too many responses for me to sift through them all...so I will give you my 2 cents from the perspective of someone who's held back her child.

My story:

My mother was asked to have me skip kindergarten and go straight to first grade because I could already read at a 4th grade level. She refused. In 8th grade, I was offered to be pushed up again, this time, I refused. With that being my past, my son's school problems were a shock to me when they happened.

My son started kindergarten at the age of 4 (due to the old year round system in Escondido). He had very little pre-school and it was apparent that he was having problems keeping up from the beginning of the school year. I also volunteered once a week in the class, and I noticed that he wasn't quite there in comparison to the other kids. He also was very quiet in class. (My son is an extrovert who loves to meet new people and make new friends...he would go to restaurants and sing to the waitresses and tell them they were beautiful - so this was odd). My biggest hassle was dealing with knowing that he is very bright and intelligent...and trying to figure out what we did wrong. Answer: nothing...it just wasn't his time yet.

I read book after book. I had a meeting with the school psychologist, the principal, his teacher, and my husband. We were shown examples of his work and others in the class. I asked a lot of questions from other parents, teachers, professionals, etc. (Check out "Smart Kids with School Problems")

By the end of the school year, he pulled himself up just enough to be promoted - if we so pleased. We decided to keep him back. THAT WAS THE BEST DECISION WE HAVE EVER MADE FOR HIM! The following year (kindergarten second time around) he really blossomed. By the end of that year, he was asked to be one of 6 1st graders that would be put into a 1/2 combo class. By 2nd grade, he felt that he was one of the smartest kids in class. 3rd grade - he blossomed more and more, began to read above his grade level, and was completely loving school. He graduated 5th grade with a Kiwanis club winning essay about attending USC in the future. He is now in 6th grade and is doing extrememly well (3.71 GPA).

He has no qualms with being held back. I think that is something we all worry about. We talked to him before, during, and after the decision was made. We explained to him that we wanted to give him the best chance in school and life. I sincerely believe the earlier you do it, the better. As children get older, the stigma of being held back gets stronger. They build relationships with other kids that they repeatedly have classes with. You want them to be able to handle it with as much ease as possible.

In the end, I believe only you and your husband will know the best thing for your son. I wish you many blessings with this one. Your children are in very good hands, simply because you care enough to ask for help.

Blessings!

Hi J.,

I had a similar challenge with my son (he is now in high school) He was immature for his age but intellectually/acadmeically age appropriate. I had him wait before enrolling in Kindergarten and it's a decision I'm glad I made. However, because of his age at the time, there were few 'difficult conversations' explaining to him my decision.

He did ok in school but he never really produced the work I knew he was capable of. As the years went on and his school work became more complex, the problem got worse. By the time he was a freshman in HS he was at risk for failing out. I had tried everything (seriously. short of doing his homework for him, then walking it into class and turning it in and taking his tests - I had done everything). I knew something was 'off' so I had him tested for ADD. At the time I never would have suspected that he had that (he didn't show classic symptoms) but after some encouragement from my friends, I had it done. I went to Dr. Hoskins and Dr. Hickle in Pasadena, then followed up with Dr. Baker in La Canada. It turns out, he does have a form of ADHD (sort of like an absent-minded professor) Focusing, remembering and anxiety are real challenges for him. With a mild medication he has improved significantly. He went from failing out to getting a 3.0 average. He's also a lot happier and more confident, and he
s learning to manage his anxiety better. It's not perfect, but it's much, much better. Looking back, I wish I had him tested when he was in elementary school. I know my son would have had a much better overall school experience, and there would have been much less family strain.

I am a mom who doesn't like to over-medicate, and I'm acutally very dubious of all this ADHD hype. However, it ended up being a good experience with caring and compassionate doctors involved. The testing is time-consuming and very expensive - and worth every bit of it. Especially the testing with Dr. Hoskins (she does educational testing) because she helps kids with attentional issues learn to organize their schoolwork and time better. If you even have an inkling that this might be an issue for you, I encourage you to give them a call and set up an appointment. There's usually a few month's waiting list, so the earlier you call the better. And even if you find out he doesn't have any attentional issues, at least you can check that off your list and your son will get some really great support so he can start being more self-sufficient (and confident!) with his school work.

Good luck J.! I hope this was helpful
J.

oh my gosh, I just wrote a really long explination to you and had to sign back in and it was lost!

Basically it said, your son sounds a lot like mine did at that age. It turned out he was too smart! He ended up in gifted classes. He was bored! He hated to write. He hated to sit still. Yet he could be doing something like playing with an eraser and the teacher would think he wasn't paying attention, when actually he could answer any question without a blink of an eye. He told me he could hear better when doing somethign else rather than just sitting there. He would get distracted looking around the room, but if he focused on his eraser, picking it apart, he could keep focused on listening.
Anyway, he was in the GATE (gifted and talented education) class in 5th and 6th grades, and has been taking advanced classes since then. He started 9th grade at the Algebra2 level, took Biology (the only 9th grader in the class), and his elective was Digital Electronics (a college credit class). This year he's taking, Chemistry, Geo/Trig, Principles of Engineering, Honors English, and AP Honors HIstory. He's almost an Eagle Scout too. His dad takes him to work on Saturdays (he has a work permit) and says he's smarter than most of the guys he has working for him there.
This was a kid that sounded very much like yours. I didn't hold him back a year, I challenged him more and helped him with the tedious stuff. He is a greatly distracted boy because he's always busy thinking. Try telling him that if he doesnt' do the work like he needs to they will make him do it all again. That greatly motivated my son.
Good luck! Congratulations on such a smart boy!

PS)He's finally starting to act more mature. Boys take longer sometimes. Maturity has nothing to do with how smart they are.

First, I am a mom first, I have a 12 year old and an 8 year old, and a teacher second. Before I retired from teaching (thanks to owning my own business... good luck with yours!)I was the Special Needs coordinator for our school district for ten years. Basically what that means is if a student was "suspected of having learning dificulties etc" (really anything that did not fit within the "regular" classroom, s/he was reffered to me. Just by your description, your son would have been definately reffered to me.

I am going to approach this two ways. One as if I was sent this info for a consult on "what is our next step" AND two, as if I had to make a decision right away based on district politics.

Before I go any further, you must know this one thing, your son is 8, he is immature, he's 8 for goodness sake. The behaviours you are describing are typical of an 8 year old and even a 15 year old. Heck, I can't get my 40 year old husband to leave my messages in a legible handwriting/printing.

1. What is our next step? I would recomend your son has a formal evaluation on his learning abilities (not accademic testing, but basic cognitive thinking, reasoning etc. - I used to use the Woodcock Johnson - but that was over 5 years ago, they may have something better out there now, ask your school administration).
Find out if your child is "delayed" or just bored. Look at his over all behaviours. What happens outside of the classroom? What does he do, how does he respond, does he focus and succeed at things that are of interest to him? School is sucha small part of his growth, is he truly "immature" elsewhere, or is he age appropriate and we jsut want him to "grow up"?

2. If I had to make a decision right now, and this was the only info I had to go on, I would say no, do not hold him back (unless you were totally transferring schools and neighbourhoods and friends). He has already formed friendships and realtionships with some kids, kids do not need another reason to pick on other kids. (FYI my oldest daughter (a November baby) did first grade while we lived in Los Angeles. When we moved back to Canada, she repeated first grade...it was THE BEST thing I could have done for her. She was one of the oldest in her grade, but always one of the most successful. I do agree with holding them back, but ONLY when it will not interfere with their personal growth...something that is WAY more serious and detrimental to their overall well-being). Back to my point, do not hold your son back, if the only reason is his is "immature". You said he had top grades in grade 2...and now not so much. He will do what is is ready to do whether you push him or not.

OVERALL - He is 8. He has sooooooo much more growing to do. Grades, although the may seem important to teachers (I often had this argument with them LOL) truly are not that important to the students. I will be honest with you, coming from over 23 years in the education field, grades are reletive to each teacher. You can have the exact same student learn from two differen sources the exact same material and can fail with one and succeed with the other. Don't put som much emphasis on his grades. This teacher may just grade differently, you already said she "expects more independence" OMG they are 8! She should be there nurturing his indepent spirit, his love of dirk bikes and x-box. Instead she is proably teaching to some standardized test that will only benefit the school and their numbers and not so much your son.

J., please, really give this some thought. If you want to, you can call me and talk to you about what your options are (hey, you can even get a tutor if you are really concerned). You can go to my website and get my phone number (www.HeyYouGetReal.com).

You are his mom, go with your gut. What is your heart telling you to do for your son? And more importantly, what does your son want?

Oh yeah, and did you realize it os only December, he still has 6 more months of grade 3 to grow...who knows what can happen in 6 months!

B.
www.HeyYouGeReal.com

I am a mom, but also a teacher. Something you might want to keep in mind is that 4th grade is a very tough year for children. One reason is that third grade is the last year that there is a max student load of 20. Once in fourth there can be 35 or more children per teacher and if he is already struggling with staying on task, following directions,etc...then the larger class size could be very tough for him (even less individual contact with the teacher). I'm not saying you should absolutely hold him back, but you might want to think about this factor as well.

Holding a child back is never an easy decision for parents or teachers. Ultimately you know your child and just have to trust that you are making the right decision. Good luck :)

Ask for a child study to see if there's a learning disability of some sort. You need more information and in this situation you can never have too much information. The more information, the better your decision will be. I had a similar situation with my son who is now in third grade. He has an identified receptive and expressive language processing problem. And he's extremely bright. You know that your child is bright and I'll bet you that the testing will show that and there may be something else holding him back. We also thought my son was immature but testing showed there was more to it. I dislike using maturity/immaturity as a reason for holding back because some people take years to mature and it buys you nothing. But, testing will provide you with more information upon which to base your decision. Push for it right now. He needs it now if it's to have an impact for this year. Good luck and let us know whatever you decide.

M.

Hi J..
Let me frist tell you that i am a stay at home mom too . I took this big responsibility on because of my second kid. She is very bright for her age and till the 1st grade she had a wonderful teacher that gave her all of the attention that she needed. But she does not have the capability to sit down and do her work . She loves to do things on her own time.So i started home schooling her . This will be the second year that i have been home schooling my kids and they love it . She has excelled to such a level that she even knows her other siblings lessons. They are in teh 9th and 6th grade.So now tell me if she is a problem child ? i dont think so . Both my girls were premuture babies. The first girl was born when she was 28 weeks old, and the second was 23 weeks old. By lookking at them you will not say that they were SODACANS when they were born . hahahhahahaaha !!!!!!!......Why dont you try out the home schooling with him and see how he will excell. He is still in a low level of school . And if u see that he does not do so well then you can put him back into the regaual school the next year. If u do want info about all of this . All u have to do is holler. you can email me at ____@____.com. i will really help you out in this field. All i can tell you is about my experience with my kids . And before my girls were ranking only like noraml kids in this country . Now they r ranking 3 grades above than their current grades. So it really works for the kids who's parents are behind them and want the best for them . So do let me know.
Love L.

Hi J.,
First, determine if these behaviors happen only at school or do they happen at home too. Maybe,the teacher and classroom setting is too unorganized for his learning style. He may need more structure. If he has struggled to keep up for most of his school years,you may want to check if he has any learning disabilities. You can request the school to perform assessment testing with your son to determine whether or not there is any. You should also keep in mind that these behaviors sound similiar to the traits of Attention Deficit.

Third grade is a bit faster than second and some kids just need more time to adjust to the pace. If his second year was very good,I would take a look at the teaching style of that teacher and try to mirror it for him with his other teachers. In other words, try to find another teacher with the same teaching and classroom style. I definitely suggest speaking with the Principle regarding your concerns. I'm sure he or she will be able to help you find the answers.

Good luck! J.

Request a Student Study/Success Team (SST) meeting with your school. It's a formalized problem-solving forum to assist children/parents/school in making positive changes and for looking at concerns. Ask that his 2nd grade teacher attend also so there can be a better study of what the differences were between the 2 grades - what worked that made him successful that year. 3rd grade is a huge transition from learning to read to reading to learn. There's also a developmental leap at this age socially. You need to really take a good, analytical look at what's going on with him and all the things that impact him. ADHD doesn't spring up out of the ground. There would be a pretty significant history of these problems throughout his school career. There are so many things that can be done to help make him more successful (and maybe like school?). Sometimes the personalities of the teacher and the child just don't click. It does happen, although you try very hard not to let it interfere. It could just be a terrible match. Again though, request an SST meeting and analyze his environment, expectations, social skills, academic levels, behaviors (ability to attend, etc). Don't jump immediately into retention unless everything else has been ruled out. You can also have him assessed for attentional concerns/academics at the school. They will look at how he is functioning, IQ, processing skills, etc. and decide if something is impacting him educationally. They do NOT diagnose ADHD. Only a doctor can do that because it is a medical issue. Think of this whole process in medical terms. Would you immediately jump to having a pretty invasive surgery before the hospital has run some simple tests and tried some non-invasive treatments? Remember, that this is a process that can take some time to implement. You sound like you are a wonderfully supportive parent who wants the very best for her child and is willing to partner with the school to help him do what he needs to do. Good luck with this!

I would not voluntarily have him held back in school because his teacher is recommending it. In stead, I would first meet with my child's Dr. as he may suggest that your child be tested for hyperactivity and/or attention deficit....that is a double edge sword however.

My child just finished the third grade and his teacher complained he could not focus, he was disruptive in class, did not willingly finish his assignments, did sloppy work....on and on and on. It was basically a fight for him to do his homework, it took hours to do it, and a strain on family life.

We finally consented to have him tested for attention deficit..what was more astounding that when we got the teacher feedback forms, all the things she had complained about through the year and even sent him to the principle's office for, she noted in the evaluation that it was not a significant problem. Thus, he did not meet the criteria for having him tested.

We then moved to another state this year and he began school in a totaly new environment and we met with the teacher for the first mid term evaluations with the anxiety that we would hear another bad report. To our astonishment, he is soaring beyond grade level expectations! All the problems from last year have just about dissaperead and he even does all his home work before he gets home (i work from home so he does not go to day care).

So what were the major diference? One HUGE difference is that at his old school, there was only one recess time which was 15 minutes before lunch. They did have a free time in the afternoon but it was an indoor activity. At his new school, he has three recess periods every day except for wed. I also walk to the school to pick him up so we get a good 15 minute walk home afterschool.

Studies have shown that little boys, especially boys, need extra time to run around. Otherwise they get fidgity, unfocused, etc. My son is hyperactive and so it is necessary to ensure he gets even more physical activty throughout the day.

Even still, I would limit the video games to a weekend activty. When they expect to play during the week, their chores and school work will inevitably suffer because they are too focused on just getting their work out of the way so that they can get to playing video games. And when they are told that they did not do a good enough job and have to re-do it...they get frustrated and give an attitude and it becomes unpleasant because they cannot let go of their expectation to play their video game.

At this age, they don't intend to be disrespectful, they just want what they want. And if firm, unwavering boundries are not set early on, they will always try to see if they can push or move those boundries to their liking....and they will do this with emmotional manipulation, holding the household emmotionally at ransome.

I don't think that holding him back is the answer. But if they have a transitional class in your school (some schools offer a transition class that is between the grade levels so that children dont get the stigma of being held back but do get the extra assistance they need to get to the next level).

You said yourself that he is academically appropriate so if you hold him back, but do not change the environmental standards for him, he will only continue to exhibit the same behavior. So I don't think that holding him back is the answer. I would get him a lot of physical activity and restrict video games to a weekend privlidge until he can show that he is emmotionally mature enough to show that he can handle the responsibility of self managing his video games and the week day.

I also require that he read at least 30 minutes a day. This helps him to quiet his mind and experience patience.