Hitting and Pushing Younger Kids

If there's one thing I have seen confirmed over and over again in the last 15 years of mothering its that the s*@# does indeed roll downhill. The bigger kid/sibling takes out his aggression on the younger/smaller kids. Twas ever such. So.......you must use firm discipline to stop this behavior or you will end up with other kids who hit b/c no one else will play with you. No long explanations of why hitting is wrong or that "you know we don't hit". This doesn't work especially with a three year old. All you say is: "NO! I won't let you hit." Then remove him from the situation - immediate time out. If he continues to misbehave its time to go home. When you get home there needs to be an appropriate punishment. You must be consistent! Tackling this problem now will be easier than in 4 -5 years when he is bigger. Good luck!

I have to say, I wouldn't let my son play with a child who is violent either. I'm sorry, but you act helpless about the matter. You are his mom, and you have the power to change his behavior. Any time he hits or displays any other aggressive behavior, you have to firmly and consistently tell him "NO. You don't hit." And when necessary remove him from the situation. You can't try to reason with him about why; he's old enough to understand right from wrong, and already knows it's wrong to hit. Getting the message across without a doubt that it's unacceptable is the issue now. It takes time and hard work, but if you're firm and consistent, you will see an improvement in his (and his brother's) behavior soon. Good luck!

Here are some resources that might be helpful for you...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063900.asp

I hope that you can find an idea that works for you soon.

Best wishes,
J.

My son was the same way & still sometimes acts out. It does seem like an alpha male attitude. First of all your friends need to understand that kids have all sorts of terrible behaviors they go thru as they are growing up. Nobodys kids are perfect. If he behaves fine at school, find out what they do at school. What is the punishment for hitting? Whatever it is, he is familiar w/ & abides by it. Does he hit his younger brother? If not then he knows this behavior is not acceptable. Sometimes it's hard to come up w/ a punishment when your away from home, naughty spot was the only thing I could come up with. And if the younger one is bahaving the same way, he should be punished as well. And make sure there is an apology in there to the one they hit. I was so afraid that my son was gonna be a bully, but he is 4 now and in preschool and doing really well.

I don't know what to tell you about stopping it, but I can you are not alone. My daughter (2 1/2)does this. She is only aggressive with children younger or just her age. She is not aggressive to older children. Many times it is not knowing how to play with them or a dominance thing I think. Plus, she is the yongest so she has gotten pushed around a bit. Now that she is in pre-school she is doing really well too, but I have seen it at playdates. I also think sometimes it is for my attention. If I am visiting with other moms and she does push, I have to give her attention (negative attention is still attention).

My nephew was a biter at that age and it can be tough! My brother and sister in law had the same issues, but here is what they did:

1) Just watch him like a hawk. It's not fun, but anytime your child is interacting with other kids, you or his dad need to be RIGHT THERE and stop him before something happens to another kid. It was really hard- my brother and SIL missed out on a lot of 'grownup time' with friends and families, but it was the only way to catch their son before he bit or hit someone. They also called or sat and talked with their friends individually to let them know they were aware of the problem and tell them what they were doing about it. Their friends were concerned for their own kids- but were also very supportive of what my B and SIL were trying to do and felt sympathetic about it. You should not lose friends over this- they ought to understand that it is nothing you are doing personally or on purpose! If they have that big a problem with it, then either drop them as a friend or only spend non-kid time with them.

2) Watch your child closely. My nephew had a lot of 'tells' before he was going to bite someone. It often happened when he was tired or very excited and worked up. He would play 'harder' run around in circles, get more manic and he would get a definite 'look' in his eye- and then WHAM! My family -even the other kids!- just learned to really watch for that and when any of those things started up, an adult would take him off on his own for some quiet time to calm down. It was always made clear to him that unless he could play calmly, he would not be allowed to play. Again, this was sometimes frustrating for the adult, but it did seem to get the point through eventually.

3) My nephew was tested for all sorts of things, to make sure it wasn't a chemical issue. It was not for him, but if your son continues to be aggressive, you might want to look into that as well.

4)I think diet and TV are also huge for this. What is your son eating? Everyone knows not to give kids too much sugar, but get him off of processed foods and fast food and I bet you will see a change. Also, is he getting lots of physical exercise? When my nephew got a little older, they got him into a martial arts program and it has been wonderful for him. It is a combination of controlled physical exercise and mental and emotional self control and any good children's program will also emphasize respect for self and others. My son takes aikido and kids at our dojo start at age 5, but there are other types of martial art that start younger and you would be amazed at how positive it is for them.

Last but not least, he may grow out of it. My nephew was always much BETTER behaved with other people ( me, grandma, school) than around his mom and dad. He is a very bright child and once he got into a good preschool program that kept him busy, the problem went away.

He still had issues through age 3 and into 4, so it may take a little more time. He is still prone to getting over tired, but he doesn't bite or hit anymore! So hang in there and just be on top of him and hopefully he will also outgrow it!

Yes, it's good that you want to stop this behavior because I have avoided people with children who hit too. My advice would be to be very firm in stopping the behavior, time out from playing, and when he is behaving , reward with a special " big boy " job. That way he 'll feel important for helping , not hurting. Good luck!