Helpless in Cliffside Park

dear A., That is a tough one. Does he have a cool potty seat?? Does he have a hard time going? Have you talked about what a big boy he is and how much fun it is to go to school? If you have other children is anyone potty trained? I don't usually ask so many questions but I am stumped. Many children will use potty raining as a control. I have one son that was trained and then got jealous of baby sister and reverted back Ugh! Hope you get some good suggestions. Grandma Mary

My son was 3 and we had him peeing on the potty at about 21 months. It took another year to work out pooping. He was terrified of it going in the toilet. So we made him sit on the potty in his diaper while he pooped and then after a few days we cut a hole in the bottom of the diaper. He sat down like he always did and boom the poop came out of the diaper and into the toilet, he was thrilled watching it flush and went everyday after that.
He would actually go in undies all day and tell me when he needed to poop so it worked perfect for us!

N.

Hello, A.. I'm the mom of a now 6-year-old who suffered from the same withholding disorder as your son when he was 5. Although he was potty trained, he continued to poop in his pants much to our despair, because his stools were too hard to pass (i.e. constipation).

Our pediatrician recommended we give our child Miralax daily, and explained that when a child associates pain with pooping on the potty, they'd rather hold it than pass it. This may be the reason your son will not poop in the potty. Withholding can lead to an unnatural expansion of the size of the colon, diminishing the child's ability to feel his body's biological urge to go, so it's important to deal with the problem head on.

Miralax is an OTC stool softener and very gentle laxitive designed especially for children. It's tasteless and can be mixed in with milk or juice, and it makes it easier for the child to pass the waste. Our pediatrician encouraged us to use it until the problem was resolved, and now my son doesn't have any more "accidents" in unforseen places. I don't know it if will help the situation you're in, but it's worth a try.

Best of luck.

A., if it makes you feel any better, I didn't think my son would make it into kindergarten last year either. He had been doing pee in the potty for so long, I wasn't sure why he wouldn't do pooh. After we had felt like we tried everything, we made it into a game. We gave him and the toilet points. Every time he did pee, he got minimal points on the "score card" and when he did pooh in his pants the toilet got points. When he would do pooh on the toilet he would get between 100 and 1000 points. Whenever he reached 500 or more points, we gave him a small reward. We told him that when he reached 10,000 points, we would get him a video game that he would pick out. It started off slowly, but soon he loved trying to figure out how many points he was going to get and saw that the video game was in easy reach.

my advice, don't put his pull up back on...he's old enough that once he makes a mess(and he should clean it up with you supervising)he'll be grossed out enough to start using the potty...don't tell him he has to go on the potty to go to school because if he's scared you've given him(in his mind) a way to stay home!

A., at almost 5 years old, he isn't potty training any more and there's no reason for him to continue to wear pullups, which he is using as a diaper. I know that no one wants to clean up a mess in their child's pants, but he is past the point of potty training, of using a potty, of "doing pee pees" - all of that is language for 2 year olds. Unless there is a medical problem, there is no excuse for a child about to turn 5 and enter kindergarten not to be fully toilet trained. At his age, it's time to put him in underwear and tell him that he has no choice about using the toilet. It is a behavioral issue at this point, and I would tell him that using the toilet is a rule and expected behavior, and that there will be punishment for not complying, just as there would be punishment for breaking any other household rule. He's had 2 years to decide to do this on his own and he hasn't done it, it's time for the parents to take control. I know we'd all like to think there's going to be a magical day when our kids will tell us they're ready, but your son has missed that train and it's time for the choice to be taken away from him.

Good luck

Well

At 5 he should be trained. Throw out the pull ups. He is looking for attention. He is no baby. If he waits to put the pull ups on he can sit on the pot. Did you tell him this? At 5 if he poops his pants ON PURPOSE he can change his own clothes and dump out his drawers into the toilet. Then wash them out. With supervision of course. Unless of course he has developmental disabilities which would be a whole other perspective. Been there, done it all. At 5 you can tell him that.

What worked for me was a teaspoon of honey about a half hour after lunch. Honey has a mild laxative effect, it makes the urge to go just strong enough to where he can't hold it in as he has been doing and forces him to go in the potty. After a few times/days they get the hang of it and no longer need the honey. Hope this helps.

hi,

i had the same problem with my son, who is now 9 and very regular.

at first he would just poop in his diaper, then his pants. then he would hold it in, hiding behind the chair. it was awful. i kept encouraging him to go to the toilet. that it was okay and we'd celebrate when he did it. he actually became so constipated as a result i gave him aloe vera lemonade every day and he started going on the toilet because it wasn't so hard anymore. lots of water will help to because the bowel movements are no longer difficult or painful. the longer you hold, the more compacted so it's scary when it hurts.

he was actually afraid of losing part of himself.

set your intention, talk to him, be consistent and gentle and it will happen. you will both get through this.

is there some issue or emotion he is afraid to let go of?

blessings,

S.

With my son we had to reward him with m&ms. So everytime he poop in the potty he got a bag of m&ms (fun size bag). It was my mother in law idea. She told us to try to reward him to get him to go and it work.

I know this is nuclear, but my nephew wouldn't go #2 in the potty either no matter what my sister tried, and then he would get constipated. My sister ended up giving him an enema, just to relieve the constipation, not to punish, but that really worked. He hated that. So she reminded him that it's what happens when he doesn't go on the potty. Of course, I don't recommend this as a teaching tool UNLESS he really gets constipated and needs it physically.

A.,

The first suggestion I have is to stop using pull ups. He's way too old in my opinion to NEED pull ups. I have heard some mothers suggest that they have their child clean up after their messes. He might be old enough for that to work. Does he want to go to school? If so...he's old enough to understand that he cannot go in pullups. And...if he is still having this issue and is not yet 5, it may be that he is not ready for Kindergarten. One of my children has a summer birthday and we sent him to school as soon as he turned 5 and in hindsight I wish we had waited a year. Talk to Kindergarten teachers and they will tell you that young boys often have trouble in Kindergarten. Something to think about.

I guess the other thing I would consider is taking away priviledges that are reserved for older kids...swimming for example, or TV, or anything that he really likes that is a "big kid" activity. When he is potty trained, he can have it back.

Good luck. I know how hard it is to have an older child who won't potty train.

D.

Hi, I can suggest not using pull ups at all. If he knows he'll get one on, then he'll hold his poop. My oldest son was the same way, but I never used pullups. I went from diapers to underware. Good luck!!!!!!! :)

Hi A.

I like what Donna Z told you in her response. I have two grown sons and I agree that your son may not be ready for Kindergarten. If he is not ready for school, the school may want to hold him back in a grade, and this is tough for him and tougher on you.

I would like to suggest that you make sure his stools are soft. This can be accomplished by giving him fiber (apples with skins on them, citrus fruit - the pulp helps, etc.) Make sure he is drinking plenty of liquids. If his stools are soft enough, he'll have difficulty holding it. Also give him a toy or book to look at while on the potty, this will help him relax.

D.
I'm 60 years old, been married to the same man for 38+ years and have two grown sons and a daughter-in-law.

Dear A.,
I can sympathize with you as the same thing occurred for our son. Teaching a boy to pee is easy; put a step stool to the toilet, throw in a square of toilet paper, and tell him it's a battleship he needs to sink. He's on a mission. When it comes to #2, they can be finicky.
It was my mother who figured out the problem with my son - he was afraid of the big toilet when it came to #2. She was living next door and showed up with a small, self-contained potty, the old-fashioned type. That afternoon she sat him on the potty pushed up to the coffee table with cars to play with in front of cartoons on TV. Within ten minutes, he had gone, was proud, and she rewarded him with a snack. This went on at the same time every day for 2 weeks. I was amazed, and it was so simple. By the third week, he graduated to the big toilet.
It's always about listening to your child.
Good luck, W.

I know the feeling. My son was the same way. Whenever he poops in the pullup bring him in the bathroom and let him watch as you put the poop in the potty and flush it while you explain that that is where poopies go. Let him say bye to them, whatever works. Then, make sure that his seating arraingment is comfortable, he needs to be able to sit on the pot with feet flat on the stool, and I would definately use an insert (let him pick it out). Make sure the stool is big enough for him to securely turn around on as well. Then offer him an incentive..fortunately 5 year olds are bribeable. I would not use candy personally, but some parents do. I would use something bigger, like a slip and slide party when he's completely out of pull ups during the day so he has a goal, and a big wrapped up present for the first time he leaves his "present" in the potty. Keep it on the shelf in the bathroom. The desire to unwrap the present will eventually overcome the fear of the potty.

He's old enough to understand the concept, but there is probably a little fear working some way. Don't worry about normal time frames concerning potty training, all kids are different. I hope this helps.

My son did the same thing. I took him to his doctor and he told me to get a supository they have kid brand. So I did it and i waited not even 10 minutes sat him on the toliet and he did it he couldnt hold it in. He was fine after that. He told me he was just afraid of the toliet. Now he is 6 and sits in the bathroom the longest and sings...
Good luck
Kathy J
Mother of 5 boys 10,8,6,1 1/2 ,and 4 month old

It you haven't already done so, then I suggest making a reward chart - show him how it works - you can get real simple ones from Walmart, Walgreens, etc. You can even make up your own rewards or sticker charts as well, where everytime he successfully "poops" in the toilet, you give him a sticker, then if he does it more and more consecutively, you can up the rewards.

First, don't worry. It's not like your kid is going to be wearing diapers to his college graduation. So relax. If you're uptight, he'll be uptight. Act like it doesn't bother you.

1. Make a big deal about buying big boy underpants. Go out together and let him pick the ones he wants.

2. Put him in underpants the second you get home. Explain to him he needs to listen to his body and put his pee pee and pooh in the potty. (or whatever you call it)It also helps if you point out that all of his friends now use the potty.

3. If he has an accident, involve him in the clean-up. Don't act like its a punishment. It's just part of being a big boy now. Be very cool. Take him to your bathtub and have him undress himself and bathe himself to get all of the pooh off. It's distateful, even for a kid. So he'll learn fairly quickly that it's easier to drop a duece in the toilet.

4. Be consistent. Don't go back to diapers or pull-ups no matter how much he pleads. It's just no longer an option. Not even for bedtime. This is important.

Good luck. You'll be fine.

I would suggest the same thing- straight to underwear and see how things go.The consequences of not pooping in the tolit is greater in underwear than pull ups and the embarresses issue that would occur if he decides to take advantage of his underwear might help things along with mom or dad having to say a word.

Hi A.! While we arent up to potty training just yet...I did want to tell you about CityMommy North New Jersey. Its a moms website specifically for your area...and I know you will love it! check it out. northjersey.citymommy.com and enter the registration code "njmommy" good luck with the training...dont worry...he will get there!!

Hi A.,
I'm all for the old school method. Tell him he's too big for pull-up/diapers and he has to start going to the bathroom like a big boy. Take the pull-ups away and tell him the store doesn't allow you to buy them for such a big boy who is about to start school. He can't hold it in forever, so when he'll really have to go he'll go. Even if he does it in his underwear once it's okay, you can rest assured that he won't poop on himself twice at five years old.

Good Luck
K.