Helping Others Before You Help Yourself

I do help put others before myself. When I worked I would often do my work at home and go above and beyond at work. I was always winning awards. Now that I'm a SAHM I coach soccer and volunteer, etc. I honestly think being a SAHM is more difficult than working. I miss my job! But, there are sooooooo few that help!! I'm still constantly bragged about and thanked (just like when I worked). There are times I can't do it (I'm a full time student), but I'm very thankful for the time that I can. I don't mind tge balance. It can be hectic, but it's rewarding.
Just decide what time you have to spare and don't go over that.

I used to be like you. I really had to dig deep and figure out why I did things that way. Was I just a super giving person? Or did I fear rejection, did I inflict guilt on myself if I "didn't do enough", did I have to keep trying to measure up to someone else's expectations.

What helps me the most is the airline safety instructions: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help anyone else. It's not selfish. If you don't take care of yourself, you're no good to anyone else. And just as bad, you raise a whole pile of kids (especially girls) who do things because other people need them. Those are girls who don't make good salaries or know how to ask for raises or know how to say "no" to a man. And the boys grow up to be stressed out and/or to look for women who do too much and neglect themselves. Oxygen mask. You first. And the other masks for the whole flight don't have to be put on by you. You only have to try to help the person closest to you.

Don't make excuses for saying "no". Don't give the person a long list of your obligations. They are not interested. Say, "I'm sorry. I just can't. Good luck though." Nothing more. And move on. You need the oxygen.

I just typed a long answer, and it evaporated somewhere in cyberspace when I hit post. Maybe the the universe is telling me to keep it simple.

I am pretty good about saying no because I'm no good to anyone, myself included, when I'm over-extended. Easier said than done, I know, but I have learned this over many years.

If helping others is hurting you or your family (whether by taking time or attention that you should be giving to you or them or by interfering with things you need to get done in your own life), then you have to re-evaluate your priorities.

The next time someone asks you to do something, STOP and pause before you say anything. Instead of instinctively saying "yes," say "I'll have to check my schedule and get back with you." (You don't have to explain to ANYONE what your schedule is---could be a doctor's appointment, a meeting, or paperwork, or projects at home that need to be done---all are legitimate). Saying that you'll have to check your schedule gives you some time and space to evaluate whether you really want or need to agree to the request before you.

Pausing and giving yourself time also helps you to think about HOW and WHEN you help, if you choose to do so. Maybe you can't help your great-aunt with grocery shopping this afternoon, but instead say, "Aunt Bertha, I can't do it now, but I can pick you up Saturday morning at 8:00 and help then."

Just remember when helping others hurts you, it's time to step back, get some space, and make a different choice. Practice saying, "I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you on that" or "that's not going to work with my schedule" or just "no."

You may get some pushback initially, especially if others are used to you saying yes, but that's okay. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, you can set these boundaries, and others will learn to respect your time.

Look at your life realistically and decide in any given situation what you CAN and CAN'T do. Maybe at this time, you cannot give any of your time to the school. Or maybe you can volunteer one afternoon this month but not next month. Maybe you can't paint your mom's kitchen for her, but you can help her find a good painter for a reasonable price. When you're clear with yourself about your limitations, it's much easier to be clear with others and lose the guilt that often comes with others' expectations.

Hope that helps.

J. F.

I've known a few people like that.
You or anyone could ask them for any favor and they bend over backwards to get it done.
And then when THEY need a hand with something?
All of a sudden the 'friends' seem to vanish - they are SO fair weather.
Don't be a door mat.
Do for your own immediate family first and then if you have time and energy - then help out every so often if you enjoy it.

I think many times it's about balance. For me, I feel very strongly that I have been called to be a wife and mother before a career woman or volunteer. So, if volunteering for something will be place a significant hardship on my family (not just a mild inconvenience from time to time) then I say no.If it's possible for me to help (and really, it usually is - plus it's a lesson in thinking of others for my kiddos) then I'm happy to do it.
Another aspect that my husband and I were just talking about is similar to this, having the ability to help and the willingness or unwillingness to do so. For instance, we recently discovered that I have a particular skill set that not very many people in our local area have. This skill set could potentially save lives and at first I wasn't sure if I could mentally handle the tasks it would entail. Upon further thought & discussion I decided that it would seriously selfish and borderline morally criminal if I have the ability to save someone and don't act on it. Those are my own personal thoughts though.
I think you'll find what works best for you!

Julie F posted some really great ways to build boundaries. I have found that by simply not being a quick and easy "yes" the requests slow down. I used to not know how to say no on the spot without feeling like I was murdering someone's very soul by not doing them a favor. "I don't know, I'll have to get back to you" not only slows down the requests, but gives you time to talk yourself out of feeling guilty for that final "I'm sorry, it turns out I can't!" :)

When I am stressed out and drained, I am a terrible mom. As much as I would love to help where it's needed, it honestly never ends. My daughter is the highest priority for me, and putting my time and energy into her life is never draining, it's fulfilling. I have energy to put into her life because I make time to accomplish my own personal goals.

Your goals have worth, your happiness has worth. Your time and energy is finite. If volunteering is draining you instead of revitalizing you, I think it's perfectly okay to take a break from it.

The older I get, the more I learn to say no. You can't drain yourself just to make others happy. You have to find your happy medium and stick to it, even if you have to say no sometimes.

It depends on the person asking.

Most nice people hardly ever ask for stuff. Right? I hardly ever ask people for help. Therefore, if one of my good friends needs help, I gladly give it. because I know they need it. They have the understanding that as a single mom of 3, I really can't be asked to help ALL THE TIME. And also, EVERYONE is busy, and everyone knows this.

HOWEVER, we all have those friends and family members who have NO CLUE that you might be up to your eyeballs, and they constantly need stuff. These are usually "takers" who either don't or can't reciprocate, or pretend they will when they won't, or it's just too much trouble to get into their drama to get them to return the favor..so you're ALWAYS feeling like the person has a "need for your help" and you hate to ever ask them for something because then they'll REALLY think you owe them help....

I just had a friend like this move, and I'm SOOOOOOOO RELIEVED SHE'S GONE. I put up tons of boundaries and cut her requests way way down, but STILL. There was always some little thing she needed. Even if it was to drop something off on my porch, ring my doorbell, take my time for this and that. UGH. But usually it was some small favor she needed that was ACTUALLY huge and overwhelming....

So anyway. I help when I can. I say no when I have to (I've improved over the years) and it REALLY depends on the person it's for as I said above.

I read years ago where someone said you should not come up as a loss when volunteering.

For example, I was asked to help train teachers (8:30-11:30) for a person who ran a private school. She did not mention pay. So, I asked, will lunch be provided? She took me to lunch afterwards. Most 501C3 agencies have a slush fund that is earmarked to be used for such. However, they hope that they are not asked to use those funds until they deem it worth while, saving the monies for high brow people who will expect lunch, flowers or plaque.

It is not rude to ask. The money is not their own--some monies cannot even be carried over year to year. However, it is better to ask up front rather than after you volunteer.

"Sorry, but I just can't help you right now. I have too much on my own plate to deal with."