Helping My Child Adjust to My Fiance and My Fiance Adjust to My Child.

dont force your son and fiance together they are are going to have periods where they get along and they dont just like any other kid. Try to do as much as you can as a family small things like taking him to the park and letting your fiance push him in the swing rather than you. You have to build trust. The little one is probably aware at this point that this guy is staying and daddy isnt comming back. Let him know you are there if he has any questions but dont try to force the relationship if the fiance is a decent guy the trust will come.

May I kindly suggest that you spend some time listening to Dr. Laura for a few months, because she covers divorce/remarriage and how they affect children extensively. It's very important information to have, especially prior to making any big changes affecting your child. It is an incredible wealth of information on the topic, even though it's not pleasant. "Forewarned is forearmed" as they say.

In the Denver area, you can hear her on 1310 AM between 1-4 PM and 630 AM between 8-11 PM.

please ,please talk about how you both will handle parenting. you should understand that if you want them to be close then there should be equal parenting. don't counterdict any of the parenting in front of your child. he will learn to manipulate you all. let them share time alone and be themselves with one another.

Well this is very normal. Most children hope their parents will be together. So when you was just dating him, he was not a threat to your childs dream of mommy and daddy being together. now it is more serious and he now sees your fieance as a threat. the best thing you can do is reasure him that this new man will not replace his dad. that he will still be loved the same by both you and his dad, and that it just means there is one more person to love him. if you are still friendly with his dad it may be helpful if he speakes to your son and tells him nothing will change between them. the best thing is for the new guy to just keep trying and never give up, he will see that everything is going to be ok, and then will come around. good luck

I worry when you say they don't get a long. I mean if your son was a teen then maybe but a four year old? How could someone NOT get a long with a four year old?
I would say first and foremost you need to sit your son down alone and have a talk with him on his level on what his likes and dislikes are about your fiance. Explain what is going to happen and have him try and open up to you.
What is the problem? I mean does your son just not listen to him, if so then you need to have him understand he will have a step dad and maybe even get some books from the library on what step dads are. You will need to explain that he will be there to help take care of him and that he loves him, he needs to respect and listen to him like any other parent.
Is your fiance hard on him? Does he dole out discipline to him? Are you three (the real father, fiance and yourself) consistent in punishment methods?
I would most definitely reassure your son that you will still love him and be there for him no matter what. I would make sure you take time out to spend with just him once a week too.
Then work on the relationship with your fiance, like having him show a genuine interest in what your son likes, be active with him in conversations and having him fill the true role of step dad.
I am just confused when you say they don't get along. Typically if there are behavior issues in this situation, then there is something bothering your son. He is very young and your fiance is the grown up here. I would find out what is going on with your son first and give him lot's of reassurance and explaining on what is happening. His life is changing and for little ones that can be hard.
Then I would work on having them spend more quality time together.

your fiance needs to spend time with him and let him know that he's not trying to replace his father. that's the idea that came to mind on why they might not be getting along.

If you could get dad invovled, maybe give his blessing, that would work a long ways towards helping out, if that isn't it possible as sometimes is the case, start slow, reassure him that this doesn't change his place in your life, that it only add's to it, and that he can love two men, his dad and step-dad. I am sure you are aware of this already.

Fiance should be doing no discipline, it isn't his place and will create a riff, that doesn't mean he can't corret him if he is doing something dangerous, or that in the future he won't be able to, but right know they need to work on their trust and respect of one another.

Simple family outing's are always a good start in forming a bond, and whenever possible step back from the situation, as one poster said let the fiance do the pushing at the park, begging off because your tired and just want to sit down for a minute.

And for your fiance, he can't take anything personal, that will be hard on his part especially since if he is trying hard.

We are a blended family, and it can be hard in the begining, but with a lot of love and patience it can be done! Good luck and congratulations!

I'm a little reluctant to respond because I won't get the popularity vote, but first let me say that I agree with Deb K that it is odd for anyone not to get along with a 4 yr. old. Having said that, I'll just say this without going into a rant. It would be better for your son, even though you love this guy, even though he has already met your son, even though he could take care of you and your son, even though everything, if you don't marry this man and just focus on raising your son. Yes, sometimes second marriages work out, but then again, sometimes they don't, especially when kids are involved. It is far better not to force your son to deal with someone he seems to not like for some reason. I would still sit down and ask your son what he doesn't like about this guy, but it is generally hard for 4 yr. olds to express what they are thinking and feeling. I think your son should be your number one priority and not your love life. But that is just what I think, and you can raise your son how you see fit. But, ask yourself this, would you like to be forced to live with someone, or even have to interact with someone you were uncomfortable with? I have always said, children and animals can sense things that we grown ups don't always see. If your son's dad is active in his life, and there is no chance you and his dad could ever get back together, adding another man to the picture isn't really going to help your son. He has a dad who I assume spends as much time as possible with him, and as the years go on, if you remarry, this situation could cause confusion and discomfort for your son. Having to choose which dad to spend the weekend with, and feeling guilty for the one they choose, isn't really fun for kids. I know in your head you see a happy family picture, but it may not turn out that way, and your son needs to know and see that you put him before anyone else, even yourself. You're still young, in 14 years your son will be grown, and you can be free to date and do whatever you want without risking hurting your kid. Just my opinion.

That is a tough one. I had it easy as my son's biological father is not part of his life, but he did have a hard time when my husband and I got married. I don't know if you include him in making some of the wedding plans if that would help, or even having your fiance take him out somewhere (kind of a playdate) just the two of them so that maybe they can get that bond back that they formed. Also make sure you are not ignoring him. I know sometimes my son feels I ignore him and when he tells me then I do something special with him. My husband and I have been married for almost five years. The first 3 my son called him by name, but then one day out of the blue he started to call him dad. I wish you the best of luck!!!!

J.-
Hi, I am a step-mom of a 4y/o boy, so I feel I might have some good insight on the situation. Me and my step-son get along wonderfully, beings as I've been in his life since he was about 14 months, but, when I was pregnant our relationship kinda faultered a little bit, and it needed repaired. For me, it was just trying to really involve him in everything I did. So I would suggest just trying to get them to play together and do things together- just the 2 of them. We have custody of Jacob and my husband works full time, so we get to spend ALOT of time together, just us, and he loves me and I love him, but like I said, it wasn't always that way and it took a little bit to repair the damage. Sometimes when my hubby is home he gets a little rude to me just because he knows his dad won't scold him. So, if you get a chance to just let them go and do their thing for awhile, whether it be playing in the yard, or going to the park, or going for a walk, or just helping in the garage or something. Kids are very forgiving, and they want to like everyone, so it won't be long before he changes his demeanor. But don't expect them to be long time buds just because he did something with him once, it has to be daily that they hang out and get to know each other. I hope this helps :) Good luck!

J.,

I will be honest I know nothing about this through experience but I'm sure planning family outings for one would help. However, I think the main problem is he needs to be reassured he is your main guy, your main responsibitly, and still the love of your life. Children don't understand we love other people as well, but differently. They don't understand that sometimes we need the strength and support of other people through life to help us out in providing them a safe and structured place to grow up. So I honestly think that YOU need to spend more time with your son one on one to reassure him that you still love him.

Could be totally off but it's my guess.
L.

Just wanted to share my personal experience since my stepdaughter was 5 when we got married. When we were dating I was the "coolest person" her dad had ever dated (her words). As our wedding got closer she started acting out horribly. Someone asked how a 4 year old can act out, well ours would hit, kick, throw tantrums like a 2 year old, break stuff, throw things at me, etc. She was a little brat that I couldn't stand to be around. I found that when she acted like that if her dad stepped in and talked to her and disciplined her it made it better. He told her that he loved her, and he loved me and that even if she didn't like me she had to respect me as his wife (trying not to tread on the mom territory). I don't know if you and bio dad were ever married but in my situation they weren't and this was the first time she was going to have to share her dad. She felt like she was going to lose him and didn't want to make it permanant. It was great for her to have a girl to hang out with, but as long as she was #1 in his life. She was scared that she wouldn't be important anymore. The key for us was for me to keep doing the things that we had always done and for her and her dad to have some special time each time she came to stay. Things have gotten much better, but it took a little over a year for things to get that way. Persistence and consistency was key for us. We have been married now for a little over two years and this weekend she called me mom for the first time. So long story short, don't force a relationship but it is critical to force respect for your husband while still allowing your child to have his special time with just you so he knows he's not being replaced. Good luck and stay strong!

if you haven't read it already, pick up "The Wonder of Boys" for great insight into how a boy, even a very young one, deals with a new man in his mother's life. It has some vey basic premises for successful bonding bewtween a step father and son. Your son's father has an important role to play in this as well. I can't give you more personal advice on this topic but I am really enjoying the book and learning how much different raising my (five month old) son will be from my nearly 3YO daughter.

J.,

Since your son enjoyed your fiance before the engagement, I tend to believe that your son is feeling some uncertainty about how the marriage will affect his relationship with his parents.

I am wondering if it would be a good idea for all three of you adults to sit down together and decide the best way to handle this.

With my whole heart,
C.