Helping Hubby Understand What I Go Through Every Day.

Well I know what helped my husband was he was the stay-at-home dad for awhile, but that was because that was what he had to do at the time. I think it is very beneficial for them to have at least a whole day with them alone to understand. If they don't do everything you would. That's okay. But yea I do think that would be a good idea, hopefully he's willing.

Why would it be wrong for you to get a weekend away and a break? He helped make the kids, he can help raise them! He should have them on his own every now and then. He will appreciate you more. Plus, you will be a much better mom, wife, person if you get some you time!

I don't think it's too much. My husband was laid off in November, and I worked for a bit while he stayed home with the kids (4 yr. old, and 1 yr. old). When I came home the first night he said, "Honey. I don't know how you do it!" :) And he's been very helpful around the house since.

Dear B.,

I know of your pain personally and it concerns me to a great degree. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two kids, age 7 and age 3.5 days, both girls. We've had our share of relationship challenges, marital issues, financial setbacks, surprises and medical challenges; We've also had our share of learning experiences. One of those experiences has taught ME that I cannot be forced/shown how anyone else feels and get it quite right. Neither can my husband!! When I have felt discouraged or over challenged in my duties as a wife and mother, I remember that when our first was little, he watched her and honestly, he did it better than I did. Granted, there were still things that he didn't do, but when I got home from work, or from being out with my friends, the house was clean, the baby was taken care of, and he was happy. How he did all that I'll never know or understand, for I fail at it every day it seems.

Having a marriage and children is a challenge that we've accepted to take on, full force, head up and shoulders straight. There will be tough days for sure!!! Being a stay at home mom is VERY tough work. We certainly don't get any monetary gain from it, and the emotional rewards can seem very few. Give yourself a break and get a good book, or a babysitter and get your hair done. When hubby gets home, put on a smile and be happy to see him. He'll be more open to helping out more with the kids. He is your knight in shining armor and has been out battling the financial challenges of the day by providing for your home and children. THAT is his job, the job he was born to do, the only job he'll understand completely. Give him a break, cut him some slack and enjoy the time you do have together.

You may need a break from the kids too. Ask him if he would watch them for a weekend while you go out and have some fun with friends, sisters, or your mom. But beware the evil of him doing a better job than you! ;) It may bite you in the rear like it does me!

Hope that wasn't too much to read and digest in one sitting. Your request called to me.

Take care, or YOU, then KIDS, then Husband (well, unless he thinks he's dieing of not getting enough attention...)

But you first. If you don't have any water in your bucket, you can't fill another's!!!

V.

4-5 hours should be plenty.

I struggle with this too! I don't think they'll ever understand unless we suddenly DIE and they have to do it all!
I think you well deserve a break and NO it's not too much to let him take over for a couple days. That's reasonable. My friend just gave me Dr Laura's new book called "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms" and it's really good. It has some great ideas for the husband area.

It won't happen. He will never understand 100%. However, there are things you can do to help him get a glimpse. Yes. I think you should go away for a day, night or weekend. And I think you should do it a couple times a year. Whether it's shopping all day with the girls, or actually taking a trip for a weekend by yourself or with friends. But make sure it's a day or two that he's not working. He needs to be there the entire day with them, not just picking them up from daycare, feeding them dinner and putting them to bed. Anyone can take care of kids for a couple of hours at a time and stay sane, especially when they don't do it all the time. It's the all day long for a day or two when he's not used to it that's really going to help him understand. So yes! Take a break and leave them with him! They will all survive, and he'll understand just a little bit better what it's like to be a mom! Good luck with it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dad being more involved and helping with mom's "job." A husband and wife are a partnership in raising a family. Both parts should be equally involved whether working outside the home or not. Yes, hubby has a job and works hard, but that doesn't make it fully your responsibility 24/7 to care for house and kids while he gets a break. Take a break! He can handle a day or two on his own.

I don't think he'll completely understand. My husband still makes comments "Well, you don't do anything during the day." I keep telling him that I'll go to work with him for a week and he'll stay home with the kids and then we'll talk. I think you should go for a weekend to yourself (if it works with the newborn). Just warning you, things might not get done the way you would; One day, I left for a few hours to go to a friend's baby shower and was gone during lunchtime and when I got home, the kids had Cheetos and ketchup for lunch (well, she asked for Cheetos!). My suggestion is to not go with the expectation that he'll 100% completely understand, but you can get a break. If he understands, extra kudos! HTH and good luck! :-)

My husband never understood what it was like to stay at home with the kids all day. He knew it was taxing and therefore he would never even take the kids for a few hours. His favorite thing to say was, "What have you been doing all day." I think that unless they have to do it on a daily basis they will not understand. I think that if you want to go out with friends for the evening it would be great. There is a country song that is called Mr. Mom that sums things up pretty well.

B. hello i was just wundering what do you do for you? do you have a hobby or something special for you? because you sound like a verry understanding wife who takes a lot from your husbend and seems to be doing it all with grace and i think maybe if you got back to who you are and found something special just for you it might make you fill better. So i recamend sighning up for a class or a book club or something you would truely enjoy and whyle your out doing this then your husbend will have to watch the children and if its a persistant thing then hes gunna get a better idea of what you go threw each day rather then a one time trip of him being in charge. i hope this is helpful

YES! Let your husband take care of the kids for a day or two so you can get a break! And don't wait for his permission, just make your plans! You don't have to be mean just say, honey, I need a break! I know you work so hard so I can do this kind of thing, thankyou! He will do anything for his kids so he should take care of their mom, remember "if momma aint happy, aint nobody happy!". Go for it girl and have some fun and relaxation!

I'm shocked - in 8 yrs, the father of these children has never cared for them for a whole day?? you bet you should make him do that - it's his job too!! go away for the weekend and don't call. Fathers are perfectly capable of caring for their children. My husband cares for our children regularly for up to a week when I travel on business, even though he works full-time as well. In fact, he cared for our 3 1/2 yr old daughter alone for 8 weeks when I was hospitalized with premature labor with our son. Why doesn't your husband participate fully in caring for his own children?

The only way I can get my hubby to understand what I go through is by making the kids go to him when he is home. He gets frustrated pretty quick with them and starts yelling, so I have to come in and calm the situation down. He is out of town every week and only home on weekends so he doesn't really know what works in the discipline area.

I have found the only way he has begun to understand what I go through is by HIS friends telling him. I think his bosses at work have got it through his head the most and he listens to them because he respects them.

HTH

Have a GREAT day!

S.

There is no way for him to know what you go through truely because his way will be different than yours but it sounds like you are sadly in need of some time for yourself and he needs a good dose of staying at home with the kids. It happened to my husband about 2 years ago. I had to go to camp with my church and I was in a location that he couldn't reach me. 4 days with my 2 little girls and when I got back he told me that I could hire a house keeper 2 times a month to help with the cleaning...heehee. It was a good experience and although he felt overwhelmed it was needed for all of us. So yes plan a trip out and give yourself permission to be okay about it. (too often we leave them with dad and then just spend our entire time feeling guilty that we left and then we rush home positive that they all needed us.) Give your whole family a present and let dad take over for a day or two!

They're his kids, too. Schedule a girl's weekend and GO. If you're feeling charitable, leave him a schedule but otherwise it's his to handle.

That is exactly how my husband has learned what I deal with!!! One full day (and night) alone with the kids will do it. He will have a new respect and appreciation for what you deal with everyday and possibly try to help you more! Good luck and hang in there, we are all in it with you!!

girls night, or better yet girls weekend.
woke my dh up. he's much more appreciative now. lol.

I had my husband take care of the kids once by himself all day and when I came home he was amazed at how I could do everything and still be sane. With keeping the house clean and keeping the twins out of things and teaching piano lessons and running errands, etc. He is more appreciative of my time and what I do.

Hi B.,

Aren't you the lady whose husband just left her because you weren't working and wants you to get a job? Your husband doesn't understand his role as a provider and your role as a nurturer.

What about buying him the new book by Dr Laura Schlessinger called "In Praise of Stay at Home Moms." I've never read it, but it is supposed to showcase how wonderful and good stay at home moms are. Maybe he would get a bigger picture of what your role is rather than just leaving him with the kids for the weekend.

Best wishes,

Marci

The best thing I can say is don't punish your hubby because he does not know what your days are like. TELL HIM or SHOW HIM. Definitely schedule some Mommy Time-Outs - coffee with a girlfriend; couple hours at the library; a massage; take a hike or go visit a friend - the point is be a better mom and give yourself a break. Leave the cell phone in the car, on mute and enjoy your time away. Ask Mom-in-law to be the back up (not you) for that time to really give yourself some time

I know when my daughter (now 4) was little I was sure that hubby couldn't handle the time alone with her - wow was I doing a disservice to her and him. Now he spends 2 days a week at home with her - and they have an incredible relationship - absolutely amazing to see that grow and nuture that instinct in hubby.
Good luck!

Even when they see over a few days I think they have a mental block, hee hee.
List out every single thing you do and put a dollar amount next to it what it would cost if you hired someone to do that.
Do this for a week. Men like visuals. I honestly think every dad needs a day or two completely alone with the kids once a month anyone just to keep them on track!! So to answer your question, take a day off, evening out with the girls, do something for yourself and let your husband do it.
However the difference is what he thinks needs done vs what you actually do can be different, so that is where sometimes you come home, the kids were fed and taken care of but there is three loads of laundry, dishes in the sink and the trash overflowing and he has had fun with the kids, THINGS you wouldn't have left undone, hee hee...so prepare yourself there.

I think that you should leave for the whole weekend. Yes he will not understand 100% of what you do but he will be more appreciative of you. It's okay to voiced that you are overwhelmed and see where he can pick up some of the chores to alleviate some stress for you.
I don't believe in that mentality that his job is his job and you are responsible for what is going on at home. He needs to be a parent too. My husband helps with chores around the house and we both do bedtime routines together bc we have 3 kids under 3. Honestly, I couldn't do it without him.
During the weekends, he gets the kids up and I sleep in for awhile and breakfast is cooked by the time I get up. It has been so nice. Plus, if the weather is nice, he bbq's and I get a break from cooking. He is not very good at cleaning but my husband is starting to do more of that. At least he unloads the dishwasher and does clear out the sink. I also give him two things that need to be done to choose from. All these extra things he does, I think it is his responsibility as the other parent. I thank him to show him how much I appreciate his help and he does even more. You can't do everything, you have to ask for help from your husband.
So, you need to take the time for some alone time. It is much needed. He will be okay with the kids. Remember to leave him the chore list of the things you do too. Good luck!

If he's like my husband. If you only leave for about 4 hours they have it under control and can't believe what is wrong with taking care of the kids and the house. To make it worse the kids are perfect angels with dad. Make sure you are gone for a few days. Make him a list of chores to do during the day. For night time make sure he knows the routine because my husband even though he's home he doesn't know the bed routine. It is our job, but when our job is 24/7 with no or little help from the other half it's not good. It is their kids too and they should perticipate with the up-bringing. Every time when my husband got home and I had a bad day with the kids. His response was "try dealing with 30 kids all day" The only problem I found with that is that he is a supervisor and he's dealing with men. These are his kids that are always going to be here he only has to deal with work 8 hours a day. Good luck they think it's so easy and we need a break from our "job" too sometimes.

Warning, you probably will not appreciate my response. Your job is wife and mom. A wonderful and challenging and stressful and most the time not rewarding job. Well, at least not instantly rewarding... the benefits of your hard work show up years down the road. I am tired of fussy children, never ending laundry and bottles up to my elbows. But, it is my job. Although my husband is very helpful I try not to over burden him. If you are going to give him one day in your job, you should take a day on his job. I only say this to help you rmember your husband also works very hard so you can stay home. I am certain that he does appreciate you but maybe struggles in showing it. Telling your man that he does not understand, or appreciate or love you enough is devestating to their male egos. So, I agree with another response you got on here. Make some mommy time with out kids every month at least and love and appreciate your husband for who he is and what he does!!! Dont point out the things he isnt because none of our DH's are perfect!!!.

I laughed right out loud at Nan's "4-5 hours should be fine" response.

Wow, wouldn't it be nice to take a weekend off once a month? What a great idea!!!

Wouldn't that be one of those place the mask over your own nose and mouth first kind of things?

just saying...

To be perfectly honest with you, I think that leaving him alone with the kids for at least one night and two days is the best way. My kids were 4 and 2 and while my husband had always wanted me to stay at home, there were definitely times where he would be condescending or flat out say things about my uselessness and ask "What do you do all day?" So right before our last move, I was taking some things to his parents' house, which was 8 hours from where we lived. I planned to stay for the weekend and my husband was going to stay with the kids. I didn't really discuss it with him, I more or less planned it (since honestly, isn't that the way things really work....we always end up planning everything). He had the kids, and within 2 hours of my leaving, I was receiving frantic calls about how our 2 year old had gotten out of the house, then both of the kids got sick and were vomiting constantly, THEN my husband got sick. Imagine my sympathy level....yep....virtually non-existent. His attitude did a complete 180 that weekend! I have never had another problem with rude comments, lack of support, or even his willingness to take the kids so I can out for girl time in the evening. Sometimes just leaving them to deal with the reality of what we do, with no hope of a break is the only way to get it through their skulls what we deal with.

I wish the absolute best for you and that it works out for you! Make sure to take time for yourself, because you deserve it!!! Good luck!

I chuckled when I read this because boy do I know how you feel. I have four children from 4 through 11, and sometimes I wish my husband could just install a nanny cam in my home and in my car and watch my activity throughout the day. I think he would be shocked. However, over the years, one thing that has helped me is to remember that as much as he just doesn't "get it" about what it means to be a stay at home mom, I can't completely empathize with the stresses and burdens he has to bear in a stressful job. I've worked full-time before, but it has never been my burden to be the primary bread-winner for a pretty full household. Trying to look at life from his perspective has given me more compassion and patience when he says really stupid things like, "what did you do all day?"

I chaperoned a trip with my two older kids and left my little kids with my hubby for a week. They got the flu on day 2. I was thinking I would have to go home but he handled it all and still wants to know what I do all day! Well for one, the kids don't sleep a lot like when they are sick and we eat more than chicken nuggets and cereal. Thing is mom's and dad's are different, the kids act different so he could manage things perfectly, not to mention he didn't have to go anywhere or clean anything, and what's it going to hurt for you to have a few days off once in awhile even if he doesn't get the picture. I'll be doing it again this summer and we are all looking forward to it.

Hi B.,

Unlike what someone else said, this shouldn't be a punishment for your husband. They are his kids and he should appreciate spending quality time with his children. I would never call it a punishment. And while this is your "job" as someone else put it, you still should get time off! My husband gets off work every evening and every weekend. Can you imagine if you could stop being a mom as much as he stopped working? You can't take evenings and weekends off, but your husband can just help at these times by being a dad. You shouldn't have to be on duty 24/7 every week.

And I think it would be great if you could get away for a day or two. While I've never taken a weekend away alone(but would like to!) I have been gone for a day and it's great. Even if you just go out for the night it's still nice to get away and take a breather and just focus on yourself once in awhile.

I think it's important as a mom to keep my sanity so I really do go out a couple times a month with some girls just to get away. If I'm stressed I know I'll start subconsciously taking it out on the kids and that's not fair. If you can't get any of your friends to go out there are moms-night-out groups you can join too. I joined one when I first moved here and didn't know anyone and it was a life-saver! I joined meetup.com and found one there.

Good luck B.!

GO ON A VACATION by yourself or with girlfriends! I have a friend that even just went downtown for a night--went out to museums, dinner and stayed in a nice hotel with a big tub. If a vacation isn't possible, plan a 2 day overnight with a single friend or even with your mother. Your husband needs to do your job to appreciate it!

I have read a few responses, and agree with most. One suggestions I have, is to sit down with your husband and decide on a night off for you, and maybe a whole weekend, when the baby is older. When I tried this with my husband he complained that he was at work, and did not get time off either, just work and home for him (this is where they don't get it, but I went with it). So we decided that every week, one of us would get a night off. So every Thursday, either he goes to a movie, or out with a friend, and I do it the next week. It gives me something to look forward to, and gives us each a small break. Even a few hours, and not having to do the bed time routine helps. I have friends who even do this so each spouse gets a night off each week. Whatever works.

Leaving him with kids may not help him understand 100%, cuz they will act differently around him, and he will respond differently than you would. You also have been around the kids 24/7 over the last many years, so you are a little more worn out than he is. It may not be the same experience for him - could be worse, could be better. However, YOU need time off, so do it!!! There was some show or commercial where Mom decided to take a day off, and didn't do a thing around the house. Dad came home and she was reading a book. The place was a wreck, kids were going crazy. Dad wanted to know what happened. She said "nothing!". Gotta love it.

I think others have mentioned some sensible approaches in communicating your daily efforts with your husband. I'd definitely consider that advice, and also letting him in a little at a time on the work with the kids. Maybe it's your job to clean the house, but he can sure spend more time with kids when he gets home to give you a break, put them to bed, etc., so that you can be a better mom when he's gone. Make sure that everyone pitches in on the work - start training your kids if you're doing it all. Kids can do far more around the house than most of us require of them. I work out of house 2 days a week to get away from being a mom. It's a TOUGH job!