Helping Dad

Unless your husband is doing something to hurt your baby, I wouldn't say anything. There are many ways to do things and as long as his way is working for him, let it be. If you think he's looking for help but doesn't want to ask, get him a book on being a first-time dad like "The Rookie Dad" (sports analygies he can relate to) or "The Everything New Dad Book" that he can reference when he needs to. Tell him you know it can be hard doing something for the first time with little to no instruction and you are there to answer any questions. The truth is, your advice may be a little over-cautious considering you work with high-risk babies and I'm assuming your baby is happy and healthy at home.
Good Luck!

S.,
The best advice that I received after my daughter was born was from a NICU nurse. She told me that as long as he (the father) was not physically hurting the baby - bite your tongue and don't say anything. He will figure it out and learn. My husband was the typical novice father too but I took her advice and everything is fine. He wanted to learn on his own and if he wanted my advice or opinion, he would ask. I know it is very hard to stand by and not saying anything but it is worth it. Give him a chance to learn and you not telling him what to do will show your appreciation for him helping out. My husband is great with our daughter and does things differently than I do but he gets the same result in the end.
Good luck!!

I have to admit that I don't fully understand your question. Do I understand that your husband is great with older children but is really trying to muddle through the confusion when it comes to your new baby? Also that you want to make sure you are not sounding like you know it all when it comes to her? If this is the case then I may be able to shed some light being a first time parent.

Since my husband and I both were new at the parenting thing we were on an even playing field. However, because I stayed home with our newborn all day every day I learned quickly his temperament, needs, whines, cries, schedules, etc. I found myself telling my husband how to do everything when he was home and I quickly learned it was aggravating him and also insulting him. It was hard to watch him not feed him the way I did, not hold him the way I did, not rock him the way I did, not...not...not...You are probably seeing something familiar here.

First of all, any and everything my husband did never harmed our child and didn't cause any damage. Everyone has different ways of taking care or raising their children. I would have to leave the room so I could keep my mouth shut; this is how bad I was. It took me almost a year before realizing my husband was doing fine and the more I encouraged him or gave him praise for a job well done or told him what a great dad he was it made him swell with pride. For example, when he would get our crying son off to sleep after rocking him for nearly 40 min. or changed his diaper and not get pee'd on I would say, "great job honey, you are such an awesome daddy."

Since you do have experience what I would suggest is first a confession on your part. Sit down and tell him that you are sorry if you have made him feel like he can't do anything right or good enough. Tell him it comes natural to you to want to give advice since you had worked in an NICU but you know he loves his baby and that he really does a great job. Tell him you just want to make sure there is an open area of communication instead of him shutting down because there are going to be times as a wife and mom that you are going to have to call on him and you want to make sure that he feels o.k. with asking something about the baby or her care with knowing it's not going to make him look bad.

It's hard for husbands, who are suppose to be the bread winners, providers, and our knight in shining armor to feel that he doesn't know how to do something and the wife does. Make sure you take opportunities to ask his opinion when it comes to your daughter. For example I would ask my husband before leaving the house if I should take an extra blanket or what do you think about how many bottles to take with us? Do you think he is dressed warm enough or too warm? Better yet, I would ask if he would get our son dressed before going out and then I would talk to our 3 month old son (as if he understood what I said) and say �daddy can pick an outfit can�t he? And then tell my husband how adorable our son looked. After a while my husband would comment on the same thing. �Mommy dressed you cute today!� Any thing you can involve your husband in will boost his confidence and make him feel like he has a voice. Most importantly praise praise praise your husband. When we build them up they really rise to the occasion.

The only things you need to be consistent with are safety and discipline. The rest can be done in different ways by mom and dad. If you want a little more consistency for baby�s daily routine, split up responsibilities. For example my husband does the morning routine and I do the bed time routine. Knock on wood, it�s worked so far. Of course we pinch hit for each other when needed, but for the most part we stick to our areas of responsibility.

I too had some level of knowledge going into our first child as I have an early childhood degree (birth through third grade) and have worked with children in the past. My husband hadn�t even changed a diaper until our son was born. Unlike your husband he always wanted me to tell him how to do everything. I�d just remind him of any safety issues and tell him there isn�t one way to do anything. I hope this will help him build his own relationship with our son as well as his baby skills. So far so good.

If you have safety concerns with your husband find a way to open up a general conversation with him sometime. Safety isn�t a one time conversation, as baby gets bigger new things arise and old rules may be different. My husband and I used to talk once a month so we were on the same page with safety & general care. Now that the baby�s older we�re going to start doing it every few months.

By the way congrats on the baby! She�s lucky to have two parents that obviously care for her very much.

I went through a similar situation. I kept telling my husband how to do it better and eventually that led to me doing it all myself. He just gave up because he thought it wasn't good enough. Had I known that would have happened, I would have kept quiet since he really wasn't doing anything wrong. Let him try his way, he probably is very unsure, but we all learn in our own way. Good Luck!

The best thing I have learned is to encourage him. If he does something great, let him know what a wonderful father he is. They don't want our direction. With encouragement comes empowerment. He will want to be known as the great Dad that he is. With your encouragement, always leave the door open for him to ask you questions. A father interacting with his little girl is a beautiful thing.

I have a little girl too she is 16 months now. I bought this book at Target for my husband before she was born. It is the owners manual for Baby. It is such a guy book. He had his own diaper bag and I packed it with Daddy things and his book. He was so cute, he would read the book when he wanted to know something. He surprised me.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on your daughter.