I just found out yesterday that my dad may have cancer. He is 81 years old. I don't know what if any treatment they can give him. I wasn't planning on telling my children about it until the diagnosis was sure. My youngest daughter, seven years old, overheard my husband and I discussing it. She heard cancer and it freaked her out. She came to me crying and is sure he is going to die. She told her next oldest sister about it, and her comment was "Well, I guess he will be bald." She knows that cancer treatments cause your hair to fall out. She didn't seem to be affected by it very much.
My grandfather died when I was twelve. I had no idea that he had cancer until shortly before he died. When I found out, I thought he would have treatment and live for many more years. I didn't know that my parents had known for a year, and that it was terminal. I was devasted by his death and the fact that my parents hadn't prepared me beforehand for the eventuality. I decided that when I had kids, I wouldn't hid stuff like that from them. I want to help them to prepare and cope with it.
It is hard, when I don't know all the facts yet, and I am still numb with the shock of it. My dad and I were very close when I was young. It is hard to help the kids when I am afraid that I will lose it and start crying. Both my parents are old and in ill health. My dad has lost most of his short term memory. I know that they will die someday, but it has always been off there in the future. They may still live a long time, but maybe not.
How do you help your kids deal with these issues, when it is hard to talk about it to them, being so close at hand? He may not even have cancer, but sooner or later both my parents and mother-in-law will die and kids will have to learn to cope.
The tests they did on my dad came back negative for the suspected cancer. He is doing much better and is off his narcotic pain killers. He is still suffering some pain and they have not yet figured out why. Thank you to everyone who answered my post. I have a lot of things to think about and discuss with my kids.
Hi L.,
Here are some web sites:
http://www.therainbowcenter.net/page/14h4r/contact_us.html
http://www2.mdanderson.org/app/pe/index.cfm?pageName=open...
Hope this helps. Good luck. D.
L.,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I had to do this with my 2 year old in April when my dayd unexpectedly died! I know that it's different for a 2 and 7 year old, but I found that if you're honest, that's the best. My daughter only knows that Papa was sick in the hospital, and is now in the clouds with the angels! She'll know more when she gets older, but for now, that works!
Like I said...honesty. That's all I can give as advice on this one!!
Good luck, and I hope that all goes well.
~C.
Dear L.,
I am sorry for you and your families tumultuous next few months because of sickness.
I wish I couldn't say I know what you are going through but unfortunately I know it twice. Both my mother and my MIL died in the last 2 years from different cancers. My children are now 5 and 3. I was very close with my mother (and miss her EVERY day) and very close to my MIL (and miss her more than I realized I would). My mother fought for almost a year through treatment and then chose hospice at home to die. From the very start my husband & I chose to give our children all the information we could while still holding onto hope. We told them of the cancer (melanoma), and how the doctors thought it was from too much sunburn, that the treatment could make G-Jo (my mom) very sick and tired and look different, and that G-Jo and her doctors were doing all they could to fight her cancer in her body. When it was apparent that my mother was dying from her cancer, my daughter helped on the nights I slept over to help care for my mother. My DD would help my mother get ready for bed by bringing my mother her toothbrush, a wet wash cloth, and help to put lotion on her hands. My son would come to visit and cuddle with my mom in her hospital bed at home. We all read bedtime stories together. And we cried together. My children saw and see me cry often. When they ask why I tell them, "I miss my mom", "I am angry my mom is sick", "I am sad Daddy's mom is sick in the hospital", and those sorts of things. We read many books to prepare them for death WHEN we were certain death was looming (Rudy's pond", "Dribbles the cat","I miss you-a first look at death"). We watched and hoped for the treatment to work but only when we knew it wasn't helping, did we sit down and speak with our children about death. When my mother died my daughter was almost 4 and my son was almost 2. My daughter went to the funeral, my son did not.
This year, my children watched their "grandmum" be diagnosed with endometrial cancer, go through chemo, visit at Christmas in remission, return home to get sick again and be hospitalized and die in May. All of us flew to England to be with our family and both my children went to their Grandmum's funeral.
I am thankful that I stiffled my fears and let my husband & my daughter fly on an airplane to visit his mum in hospital. I am thankful that my children got to share in the care and love given to both our parents while sick. I am thankful that my children now, when they see me sad or crying, say to me,"are you sad that G-jo & Grandmum died? Do you miss them? Well that is okay because they are in our hearts." I am thankful that my children saw their Daddy crying and learned the compassion to go to him, comfort him, cry with him, and hug him. I am thankful that we still talk about their G-Jo and Grandmum and share stories, pictures, laughter and tears.
Our choice was to be open, be honest, listen to them, read to them, and try to be examples of love, compassion, caring, and family. I am happy with our choice and I think my children are wonderful loving compassionate people because of it.
My heart pulls for you and your family during this difficult time.
L.:
You do not mention how old your children are, but there is a lovely story by Leo Buscaglia called The Fall of Freddy the Leaf. I bought it for my cousin-once-removed's son when his grandfather, my great uncle, passed away. It basically highlights how death is a part of life through the changing of the seasons. I hope it helps your family through this chapter in your lives and opens up conversations.
Best Wishes - A.
First, I am very sorry for your father's ailing health. I lost my Dad over 10 years ago and we were very, very close. I also understand your dilema as my son (2) has a very rare (700 in the world) blood disease which takes us to the hospital at least twice every 3 weeks. I have a healthy 5 year old that until July of this year, I made up stories and hid the reality from her. My plan was to "come clean"with her and I did it by making my own coloring book about it. In my case I tweaked sickle cell anemia books to fit Diamond Blackfan Anemia. I suggest googling kids cancer and the kind of cancer your father has to find a coloring book that you can read together and then she can have it to color with when she wants. Kids are amazing. There is a lot on www.kidscancernetwork.org but it really matters what kind of cancer. Next thing is that most large hospitals have a dept. called Child Life. Call (they are often difficult to reach so don't give up) and arrange a visit when you are there to see your Dad and they will help answer questions, they may have coloring books and in our case, they gave a little doll to my daughter to color and then they gave the doll an IV. We have the doll at home and all of her medical stuff (alcohol wipes, band aids, an attached syringe to give her medicine) which the kids do take out and play with. As your father may get a port, they can put those in dolls, stuffed animals from home, etc. but again, it is often hard to reach these people so keep calling. That's how I got the sickle cell book that I later found online but I never thought of it before that. Now, my 5 year old has a good understanding of the basics of her brother's disease--his daily medicine that I bribe in any way to get it down and when we go to the hospital she gets to go on a playdate somewhere else. BTW congratulations on home schooling--I could never do it and I'm amazed at those who can! Hang in there. T. in Delaware www.homemadegourmet.com/tuesday815101 to benefit Diamond Blackfan Anemia Foundation....www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnshannoniv
Hi L.,
I am so very sorry to hear of your painful situation. I have a book to recommend. My Mother-In-Law found it for me a few years ago when my grandfather was dying of pancreatic cancer. My oldest son was 2 1/2 and I was at a loss as to what to do. I ended up letting it go since he was so young but this book has helped me since. It covers all ages and any situation you can come up with in terms of loss. (from pet to still born to close family member to terminal illness)
How Do We Tell the Children (A Step-By-Step Guide for Helping Children 2-Teen Cope When Someone Dies) by Dan Schaefr Ph.D., and Christine Lyons
I hope this helps in during this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
L.,
I am a firm believer in telling the kids the truth. You can do this without giving tons of details. If they ask, tell them. I think it is incredibly important to let them know your feelings on the situation as well. Death and hurt and pain are part of life and if kids don't experience it, they won't be educated for future situations that they will have to deal with. Good luck with discussing it with your kids and pray that it isn't cancer.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think an honest approach is best. Be honest about the information you have as well as about your feelings. Your kids need to know that it is okay to be sad and scared so it is okay to cry in front of them. Remind them that your father doesn't have a diagnosis yet so he might not have cancer. Let them know that when he is diagnosed the doctors will do everything they can to fix or control his condition and make him as comfortable as possible. If you have spiritual beliefs bring them into the discussion. Perhaps a clergy member can help to answer questions and provide comfort. You can get other resources from a school counselor or, if it is cancer, from the American Cancer Society. When my SIL died a few years ago she left behind 7 nieces and nephews under the age of 9. Religious explanations and focusing on the good things they remembered about her helped them to cope. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
I think all you can do is explain that some people with cancer will get treatment and be okay, and others may not. Their grandpa, it sounds, has lived a full life. Perhaps to pray with your daughters that God helps him live the longest life he can, free of pain and discomfort, and may God comfort him, and may you see him in heaven.
In this past Jan. I lost my mother to cancer. She was almost 73 years old..Although they live in Florida I and my son who was 12 was very close to my parents and especially to my Mom.The last 6 months when we noticed a change in her I started to explain that she is getting older and that she has ailments that put her in alot of pain.Then when things werent gong well my son saw me cry and I started to explain that she may die in a couple of years and that I feel sad because I love her but I also told him that she should not suffer.We were all in shock when she did die afew months later because I thought she probably had still alot more of her left.The good thing is she died before it got really bad.
My son cried at the funeral when my siblings made our speaches and then said not a word for months.When he saw me talk about her he would get angry.In May my son had a 13 yr.Bar-Mitzvah.and as a tribute to his grandparents I spoke about all four.The last was my mother and when I looked at my son he cried as never before.After that he was Ok with hearing my talk about her.Also I just came back from their home in Florida and it felt so good to be around all of my mothers stuff for the first time in 8 months I finally stopped crying alonging for her.My son also felt much better because he thought he would feel sad.I love her and feel her warmth around me in my daily life but no longer the sadness.
Dealing with a sick parent was emotionally draining .So when around your kids be extra happy even if it is forced ,you end up feeling better.
Im sorry to hear you are going thru this painful situation as it does take time to adjust to the thought of losing a parent.It could be a long or short road either way stay strong .
I hope your father has recovery!
Hi L., This is a hard subject. You know from your own experience that no knowledge is bad...but too much knowledge can be just as bad. I think that being open and honest with knowledge as well as your feelings is the best thing you can do for your girls. As much as we hate to think about it, or talk about it death is a part of life. I prefer to look at death as another chapter in this adventure we call life...and I have tried to teach my girls that as well. Making the most of every day with the people you love is important, and realizing that life can change in an instant is also a lesson that we need to teach our children. Cancer, heart diease, dibetes, are all things that happen. There are things that we can do to live better longer, but in the end when it is time to start the journey toward death we can't stop it. I believe that when we cry for loved one's that have moved on, we are crying not for their death, but our loss. I hope that your journey though this trying time brings you and your family closer together and that you all find peace and the knowledge you need.
Hi L.,
I am sorry for you on the news about your dad. It's so hard when we lose our parents. Even though we are adults and know it will happen in our heads, in our hearts we still think of our parents as invincible.
I went through this situation with my mom a few years ago. Be honest with your kids, but tell them the facts and not just what might be. Since your daughter overheard cancer, then tell her that the doctor will let you know soon. Don't be afraid to cry if you can't help it. You're not leaning on your daughter, you are just being overwhelmed with emotion -- it's okay for our kids to see us that way, especially because of someone we love. Fox Chase Cancer Center had some good advice and activity books for helping children deal with the emotions of relatives with cancer.
Most 7 year olds don't have to deal with death, unless there are extenuating circumstances, or pets in the house. I'm not sure you can prepare a child for a death in the family unless it is imminent. But if she trusts that you will tell her the truth (Daddy has a cold but will be fine in a few days; Aunt Ethel had a heart attack and is in the hospital, but the doctors are taking good care of her and she should be home in a week, etc.) then it will help her get through.
As for the next older sister's comment about her grandfather losing his hair, it just may be her way of dealing with the news.
Hopefully this helps a little. Take care.
L.,
Unfortunately, there is no way to prepare for a death. Whether someone has cancer, and lives for 10 more years, or two months, or has a sudden heart attack. Eventually we all have to face death, and die. Maybe you should sit down with your girls and talk abouth death - not one particular person dying. Let them know it is a natural cycle of life, people feel lost, sad, etc. when it happens, but that life does go on also. Everyone reacts to a death differently, and deals with grief on different levels - that's what makes us all unique - if a situation comes, and you feel someone needs extra help seek some professional advice.
Hi L.,
My heart definitely goes out to you. I was and now again in the same position. My children are 3,7,and15 at home. Last year my Aunt was to live with us. She had cancer and the kids knew she was sick. She did lose her hair and was in a lot of pain during this time. I had to explain to the little ones that she hurts and might cry or say "ouch" very loud so don't be scared. My aunt had to go to hospice and visited almost everyday. I invited any questions. My 6yr old at the time asked if she was going to die. I told him that God wants us with him after so long and sometimes when people get very very sick, he makes them better by having them with him. When she did pass, I told him that God wanted her to be an angel on that day. He cried and said he would miss her. Now, not even a year later, my mom has cancer and is going thru all of the treatments. Her hair is gone and she is very weak. Her prognosis looks good. Of course the kids worry. I had to tell them that it is not the same as their Aunts and she will be ok. I guess the best thing is to be honest. Even if the kids don't quite understand, they trust in what you say and feel safe with the answers.
My prayers go to you and your family.
L.
Be honest with your children. Talk to them about death and about how you feel. It is ok for you to cry in front of them. It will show them how sad you are and that it is ok for them to be sad too.
Hi L.,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would check with the American Cancer Society. They have lots of information on helping families to cope. There are also books available, written on child's age level, I'm sure the ACS can help you find those as well. HUGGS!!
A.
the library has some great books for kids of diff ages, can't recall the names, my kids had to reaxd them 2 years ago when their dad was diagnosed with lymphoma.
Be honest but overtell them.
there are support groups for family members and kids. Talk to local hospital.
L.,
I am so sorry to hear about your father. When I was young,I lost both my parents and 2 grandparents. I was never told those I loved were sick and would most likely die. I was very angry when they died and thought that I had done something wrong. I think that if the situation had been explained to me, things would have been completely different. I think you need to be honest with your kids and answer the questions they may have. You may find that they are very understanding and sympathetic. You may also find that they may help you to better cope with things and in time, deal with the grief of losing someone you love.
I have always told my children that oneday everyone has to die and go to heaven(than they become angels and watch over us)I also explained that when you die people have a funeral and than most are buried in the ground in a cemetary.
It also has helped with having pets that have passed.We lost over 5year old cousin last year and that was very hard but everytime my kids see a frog or rainbow they say Payton is watching out for us.
I know there are books out there that help tell children about dealth..
Sorry i'm no help.
First off I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My 2 children, ages 4 & 6yrs old they lost there unlcle. We lost our brother-in-law August 1st of this year and he passed from multiple mylenoma. His passing was sudden we didn't expect it at all. He was in and out of hospitals for a week and the dr's kept sending him home without any answers. He was only 49 yrs old. We all were devastated and were not sure how to tell the kids we did our best but is was difficult anyway my pediatrician recommended a book by Maria Shriver called About Heaven and it is great. Also if you go to a Borders book store there are so many different books on how to deal with illness and death. Best of luck to you and your family at this difficult time. Sorry so long. V.
I have had experience with this, while I was young I found out both of my grandmothers were sick, one Lou Gerricks (not sure if it's spelled right) and the other with ovarian cancer. My parents never hid anything from me but what they did wait for was the final diagnosis. So my suggestion is to wait until they are sure and to be perfectly honest, if there is no one sick there is no need to tell the kids that they are going to die at some point because they are old. That can seriously disturb a child's mind and have them worry unneedlessly. If unfortunately he does have cancer I would like to say I'm sorry and that just explain it to the kids as best you can, grandpop is older and sometimes when people get older they get sick etc. Good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers.
First of all, I understand it is not easy to talk about all of this stuff, but I do have, sad but true, a kind of expertise in this area. My husband of 14 years and the father of my 11, 6, and four year old kids killed himself last year. My 11 year old found him. So, my advise, to you and to all who have to deal with death, is important to be honest and open. Let your kids know you don't really know but this is what may happen. My children also lost their great grandmother about 8 months after their father. I took the kids in to visit her and asked them if they wanted to say goodbye to her, that she would not live much longer and this would be the last time they would see her. They did and they told her they loved her and I was very proud of them. As far as letting your kids see you cry, they can...it allows them to have feelings as well. There is no harm in it, you can be strong and yet show emotions. My kids and I have survived our terrible ordeal and your children will to. Again, honesty and openness work best. However, you don't have to provide all of the issues that are really non-essential to them. Good luck.
PS. If you live in York and there is a death, call Olivia's House, a children's center for loss and grief. There is also one in Harrisburg through Highmark, but I can't recall the name.
Death is God's way of telling us our work on earth is done.
I'm so sorry to hear of the wait you are going through with your father....and like you said, at 81, time is of the essences.
My father passed from lung cancer when I was just 17. Too this day I wish her were here to see me. Be at my wedding, meet my family, hold my baby girl.
Honestly, as a human, we don't know how to comprehend death.
Only God gives grace to deal with tragedy and hope that again in the future, we will see our loved ones and be together again.
In the Bible, death is often referred to as "sleep" because all the believers of Jesus knew, their friend, or family was not gone forever, but just not here with us on earth.
My prayer for your family is to ask God for grace, and for him to touch your heart and lips with the words that will comfort your daughters. Children have such open minds and hearts that you may even find they will lend their shoulder for you to cry on.
My brother was 10 and my sister was 3 when my father passes, and the sorrow and compassion they showed to me was more comforting than any adult saying....."I wish I could help"
Have family time around the Bible and show your girls that grandpa is just in heaven, waiting until they see him again.
You will be in my prayers.
Sincerely,
S. Marie
