Helping a Dying Acquaintance

Hospice is for people who have made the conscious decision to end aggressive treatment and go with comfort care. It isn't something you can get for her as she has to come to that decision. You could ask her if she wants to meet with a hospice. They don't provide child care so that won't help with that aspect.

Recommend they talk with their hospital's social worker or case manager about community services for them. You could call for the information and then give it to the husband. Some cities have help available if they qualify financially. If not, there are private duty agencies he can employ

I know you want to help so maybe find the information for them. They will have to make the decisions about what to do with them. It's very nice that you are so concerned.

I'd be talking to the husband, not her. Getting hospice involved is exactly what needs to be happening. A nanny is a good idea, but she will need help and that's not something a nanny can do.

Talk to the husband. Tell him that she is too sick to make the decisions. Tell him that he needs to get a medical and financial Power of Attorney for her and the doctor needs to sign a DNR. Tell him that you are sorry to be so honest with him, but someone needs to be and either she will end up in the hospital to get help, or hospice if she wants to stay at home.

I do agree with you to get the information, but I wouldn't just email it. I'd go talk to him too and really connect with him on this.

J., Several years ago I had a major health crisis. I had many, many people say to me that I should call them and let them know what they could do to help. I did not call a single person. It's overwhelming and extremely embarrassing to ask for help. For most strong-willed people it probably will not happen. The people I remember (it makes me a little teary remembering) were the ones that just showed up. They showed up at the hospital bringing me a cup of strong coffee, they showed up by driving my kids to their various activities and making sure that they were in control at home, they came and cleaned out my fridge, etc. and they did it without asking me how to do it or what to do, they just figured it out. I now try to do the same thing when someone is in a crisis situation. Don't ask, just do.

Make the calls, prepare a list of services, set up meals for the family, do it all. Don't worry about boundaries or whether you're close, just help a fellow human being in need. If she turns down the help after you've done all the legwork, there's not much you can do, but at least you did what you could.

ETA: have you never dealt with an ill person before ? Of course she's going to tell you not to hire a lawn service . Of course she's going to tell you she doesn't need meals ! You're seeing for yourself they're struggling and need help . You can either help or not . But please don't act like you're not helping because they're saying no!

J.--you just show up. Physically and emotionally.
You go there and you do what needs done.
No time for stammering and hand wringing.
If you're this sure they need help? What are you waiting for?

You take meals that they can freeze, if necessary.
You bake cookies for her kids.
You hire someone to cut the grass.
You drive her to chemo.
You watch her kids.
Hospice is not errand service...or daycare. It is care for the dying.
Talk to her husband.
I'm sure taking her kids for the day to do something fun would be a gigantic help to her.
YOU do what YOU can do.
You don't research, research, research and then dump it on her.
Cleaningforareason.com is the 3 free monthly housecleaning visits.

Honey, wow do you have a sweet and kind heart to be so concerned for a 'semi-friend'....bless you.

I haven't read the other responses but want to add that in Stage IV cancer, it has more than likely spread to her brain and her cognitive functioning is severely affected, so naturally, the state of disconnect you already described, that she seems distant, is a direct result of the cancer invading her brain. She knows full well that she's dying and is still in denial about it so is not acting on what needs to be done.

Personally, you just need to take the reins on this one. Go over, show up with a meal, start a load of laundry, bath the kiddos, perhaps take them to the park. This is a tragic diagnosis for such a young mom and her little ones.

The dad is decompensating as well and is on overload and can't make simple decisions either.

This is one of the sadder stories I've read in a very long time and even I would help out given the circumstances and lack of support if I knew you about the situation.

Just remember, no matter how bizarre her choices are, like canceling the meal deal, she's not functioning with a healthy brain anymore. So just do it!!!

This is a scenario where no amount of talking and asking is going to be helpful. You just have to show up and help a little. Assess and tell her she needs this. Period. Not open for discussion. Just say thank you.

All you can do is offer, It will be up to her to decide if she will be willing to accept your help.

You may remember, one of my dearest friends died 3 years ago. In the end, they did not realize that the cancer had spread to her brain (and yes lymph nodes) even after all of the other treatments had worked.

She was not herself, she was not as able to make decisions and choices, and she was really not able to decide for herself. It was heartbreaking because of the woman she had been, this was opposite.

You may want to speak with her husband and see what he will accept as help. She is now going to be going through her own death and her brain is not working as it once did.

We also quit asking our friend to make decisions, instead we just offered her things. She could not make the decisions without a tremendous amount of effort. She was actually turning inside of herself and was fine with just being taken care of.

In Hospice they explained this was the nature of dying. We offered, if she accepted great, but we quit asking her to make choices. She did not have the energy for that.

J.

She might need someone to come in and take control. She's got a lot on her mind. Talk to her husband. Go over and tell her to her face - she's got your support.

It's HARD asking for help. She's going through A LOT right now. Denial is one of them and depression for knowing she's going to be leaving her kids. And it sucks.

You might just be the angel she needs here on earth. If you care enough to post this - you care enough to start doing something.

Get information from the husband - insurance, numbers, etc. so you can call and find out what her insurance will cover....call the house cleaning service back. I know they call back - we used them for my girlfriend's mom who has cancer. We had to call several times. They are busy too.

Make a list of what you THINK needs to be done. Then present her with the list and tell her what you would like to do for her, help her with, etc.

IF they go to a church? Reach out to their priest/pastor/rabbi and get things going on that end.

Good luck - this is a tough time. He knows he needs to keep working to support the family. She knows there's a strong chance she's going to die. There's a lot to talk about and a lot to do. It's overwhelming, painful and so much more...since her kids are young - she might want to do videos for them for their graduation, marriage, etc. or write letters...maybe you can help her with that....it's TOUGH.

Good luck! Prayers for you and your friend.

I know many people, including myself, who have difficulty asking for help. When someone sees something needs doing or that doing it would brighten my day I love it.

I also suggest talking with the husband and with her in person, sticking with, I want to do this. Make a list of what needs to be done and resources. If possible, enlist help/support from friends who also know her even if it's the same way you know her.

You are an angel! Be sure to take care of yourself.

it's a prickly situation, because the courteous thing to do, of course, is offer to help but let her (or her husband) decide how much help they'd like to accept. but under these circumstances it's completely overwhelming to have 'offers' and choices and decisions to make about whether or not to accept the help, and by far the easiest thing to do is say no and soldier on.
if it's someone you're close to it's easier just to barge determinedly (if pleasantly) in and say 'i'm leaving an enchilada casserole and i'm going to clean your bathrooms while i'm here. dan will be over on saturday to mow the grass.'
much harder to do with someone you don't know as well, i know.
so i think in your shoes i'd decide just how barge-y i was willing to be.
but i think you either need to step assuredly in, or step back. making calls and wanting her to decide is certainly kind of you, but it's drowning her. perhaps your best bet is to stay on the periphery- drop off food when you can, and a note with times that you'd be available to babysit- but not intrude beyond your comfort level. i'm sure that your natural aversion to interfere, and desire for her husband to step up and her family to step in, are coming through on some level too, which is another reason to be very clear on just how much you're willing to do without resentment.
don't email her. email or call the husband. he may be passive right now, but as things begin to sink he'll be looking for more lifelines. if you can stay active on the perimeter now, you'll be there ready to stand and deliver when he starts to sink.
good for you, J..
khairete
S.

Don't ask, just do what needs to be done to help in any way possible. I will keep her in my prayers. Is she getting chemo now. Set up rides, babysitting for those days. Just jump in and do all you can

You have all the advice you need below. It's very kind of you to do all this for her.

Stop coordinating with her.
Coordinate with husband.
Be the "family manager" or hire someone to be.
Set this stuff up and go through husband.
Does she belong to a church? Contact them.
Yes, call hospice.
Contact social worker where she is getting chemo and tell her she needs help.
Thank goodness you care and are there for her. Now take the next step and get these things going.
What's the worst that can happen? She stops talking to you? This is a life or death situation.
You are doing a great thing.

Everyone is different.

I really did not like the meals that were made for my family. I didn't hate them, but most were pasta style dishes. My kids were too young to eat the (heck they wouldn't eat them today at their current age). It was a waste. I cleaned the dishes and returned them since I was not dying from cancer.

I would not want someone in my house doing stuff asking "where do you want me to put x or y?" When i am really tired i would want the kids OUT of the house so I can rest.

If you had time/money offer to pick up the laundry and return it. I've done this for a dying person's close relative and it was helpful. Don't ask her; tell the husband "Leave the kids clothes at 8am on Tuesdays and I'll return it at 4pm."

its not sickness thing, its a mom thing...she has three babies..offer to help with her babies.talk to the dad and offer to help with the kids, drop off a couple boxes of diapers and toys for the kids, offer to stay with the kids for a few hours a day, get a few moms together who would be willing to take turns helping to take care of the kids..K. h.

It is wonderful that you are interested and willing.

I would coordinate or just do (as others have mentioned) with husband. If you ask your friend, she might not accept.

When I became ill, my husband and I sort of became like hermits. People kept flocking to our door and calling (which was weird for us, as we're kind of quiet people) and it was overwhelming. They asked me what they could do, and honestly, I couldn't even think straight. It was too much.

If my family had been nearby, they would have just stepped in (as you are suggesting you could do). That's what I needed. Someone who was just sensible and would take charge, and give my husband a break.

I was not thinking straight and I put on a brave face, and my husband was just coping with children and working and a sick wife.

I think you just continue to do - and if they really don't want you to, they will let you know. But I bet they will appreciate it.

Good for you. I think it's awesome you are doing this :)

All I can say is that they are VERY LUCKY to have you! You have a kind and wonderful heart.

I am so sorry for you and your friend. She is lucky to have you.

You said you had called about the housekeeping, so I would pursue that. Once you have the info, talk with her about the best time for someone to come in, etc., and then firm up the plans with the company.

I think it would be great if you would continue to provide some meals for the family, at least a couple of times per week.

You could also plan an outing or two for her kids I think everyone would appreciate that.

Finally, if you think she would be receptive, offer to go to chemo with her.

Again, very sorry for you and your friend. She is lucky to have you.

Talk to her husband. When my MIL was dying she wanted to have quiet reflective days with my FIL and my hubby. She didn't want a bunch of people coming in or calling or checking up on her or doing anything for her family.

If the lady has a couple of people she'd like to live the rest of her life knowing they're helping and you aren't one of them please don't be so disappointed. She can only handle so much and she wants for certain people she knows to be with her now.

I hate to think what you can help her with would not be used but ask the hubby. Tell him you can set this all up for him if he'd just pick the programs he wants you to interact with.