Our 17 mo. old son has recently started to be whiny ALL the time. We initially thought it was linked to the four molars he has coming in (his teeth come in EXTREMELY slow) or the ear infection we found out he had last Saturday. However, he just finished his medication today and we have been applying the Orajel and giving him Tylenol for his teeth and his behavior has not improved much. We believe that these other factors may be contributing on a small scale, but overall that this is a behavioral problem.
When we take our son out of the house he is typically pretty good, with only minor meltdowns over not getting something (normal stuff). Also, at daycare our son’s teachers typically report that he is happy and isn’t cranky. But when we are home he whines constantly!
He is just beginning to speak, so to stop him from whining I have tried to teach him things like, “cup”, “up”, “all done”, ect. He seems to understand these simple words and phrases and uses them sometimes. The “up” back-fired on us however and instead of saying up when HE wants to be picked up he will come over to us and pull on us and say “up” so that we go wherever he wants or do what he wants. If we say “no” to his request he has a meltdown.
Basically, we know that we are getting into that stage of our son’s development where this is normal behavior, but we are hoping to get suggestions from other parents on how to move as quickly through this phase (and hopefully with our sanity) as possible. Our son is VERY active and we think a little of the problem may be boredom, so we’ve tried singing songs, reading and coloring – these activities only last for short periods before he is ready to move on. Also, our son was not a child blessed with patients and so gets frustrated easily, which also seems to contribute to the whiny behavior.
Any new suggestions are more than welcome.
**Comment Regarding Sleeping -- I have had other parents suggest to me that crankiness is typically related to sleep. However, our son still takes 2 naps (each 1.5-2 hrs) and sleeps about 10 hrs at night. We do put him to bed earlier in the evenings if he is cranky. The reason we don't think it is sleep is because he is different when he is at daycare or when we are out of the house. If he was tired, wouldn't we see some of this behavior even under different circumstances?
**Comment Regarding Time Outs -- We have thought to try this, but how do you do a time out with a 17 mo. old?
Although I have not had the opportunity to implement too many of the strategies suggested, it has all been good food for thought. My husband and I have been trying our best to ignore the whinning and we are going to be looking into purchasing stools for both the kitchen and the bathroom so that our son can be included, and see, more while we are doing things. We will continue to encourage using words (which he does do more of when he isn't tired) and hopefully once this LONG winter is over we can get outside to run off a little of the energy.
I'll try and remember to post something about ACTUAL results in a few weeks.
Thank you all for your words of encouragment and for letting me know our son isn't a little monster. I think as a parent (especially a first time parent) you always fear having "that child" or raising him to be "spoiled". Even when you know these are normal phases in development, it is still nice to hear you are not alone.
Thanks Again!
N.,
This is going to be tough, but ignore him when his behavior is not appropriate. It doesn't matter if he has a meltdown..let him have it. He needs to know how to ask properly. When he does it correctly, praise him and interact with him. It will take a while, but he will get it.
L. :)
Seriously its just the age. If he whines and you jump up, answer him, and give him waht he wants, he'll keep doing it. It becomes the WAY he talks. I nipped it in the butt right away with both my boys. WHen they would start to whine, I'd just look at them and say 'I dont understand unless you talk likea big boy' and it didnt' take them very long to realize that they weren't getting anything unless they stopped the whining. My boys are now 5 1/2 and 2 1/2, and my oldest never whines. My youngest will start and all I have to do is look at him and he stops! :)
I found that the more words my son learned, the less he whined. As soon as he figured out he could communicate with us by using actual words for what he wanted, he got a lot happier. I taught him as many words and phrases and sentences as I could (still do), and told him often to "use your words."
I also tried to say "yes" to as much as I could when he made a request using his words instead of pointing and whining. He learned from that that words are useful. When he whined for something, I did not give it to him. He learned that whining wasn't very useful.
Before he knew the words for a lot of things, I taught him to say "please". That way, even if he didn't know the word for what he wanted, he could point to it and say "please".
My son is also an angel in public and other settings that are not our home. two thoughts come to mind when you have an angel child in public and not-so-much an angel at home. 1. home is a safe space emotionally for your child, so he will be more likely to let loose there than elsewhere.(We adults do this too!) 2. If he is whining at home, it must still be getting him what he wants, even if it only some of the time. As tired as you get, you have to be consistent with not giving him what he wants when he whines.
One other note: my son (2 yrs old now) only whines now when he is very tired. If I hear him whining, and I ask him to please use his words, and he has a meltdown instead, i can be pretty sure that no matter what he WANTS, what he NEEDS is a nap.
I sure hope some of this is helpful to you :)
My daughter is almost 18 months and we are going through very similar things. One thing that we have found that works (and the idea actually came from daycare) is we use a pout pillow. So when she gets whiny and wants to throw a fit we tell her to go to the put pillow ~ which is usally just a couch throw pillow on the floor. She will go to it (sometimes we have to help her) and then she will lay down and pout and whine ~ sometimes 15 seconds and she's done sometimes longer ~ just depends on how upset she is. This is like a timeout although we don't label it like that. If she is really whiny and does something completely unacceptable like hitting or throwing food then we take her to her crib and let her spend a true "timeout" away from us. This will not only help your sanity ~ but at times we have found that she really is tired ~ not enough to sleep ~ but enough that she just needs to lay her head down for a bit. Hope this helps and know that there are others in the exact same boat ~ and this too will pass :)
My son is 18 months old and he went through this phase as well. He is testing your patience and seeing how independent and demanding you will let him be. It is a frustrating phase for everyone but you guys will work through it and it will get better. Keep communicating with him and asking him what he wants. As they learn to talk more and express themselves it will start to get better.
As you know it is normal behavior for babies to whine, cry and such since they don't have verbal skills yet. Why does he whine all the time at home and not other places? Because it works there. At day care, he is probably entertained by other children, so he might be bored a bit at home too. If he whines more while you are busy with cooking or chores, he is doing so for your attention. Maybe if you include him in things, he won't be so quick to whine. My granddaughter is the same age and she loves to help her momma wash walls or dust. When she is here and wants to have Grandma's attention while I am cooking, I give her a plastic bowl and a wooden spoon and let her stir while she watches me. Special toys for when you are busy is another way to keep them occupied a bit. When their verbal skills click in and they are able to express themselves better, the whining will slow down. Remember that at such a young age, their attention span is very short. If they spend 2 minutes at any one activity it is pretty good. Above all, don't yell at him for whining, it doesn't help and it just will make you feel horrible. He will outgrow this period and soon you will be complaining that he is always so independant and talkative. I find that when my granddaughter whines, she just needs a little extra love and after a few minutes of cuddling, she is ready to get down and go chase the dog again.
If your 17 month old is just beginning to speak the whininess could very well just be a symptom of not being able to communicate his feelings to you. With both of my children I went through a stage during the starting to talk stage to the point where they had a pretty good vocabulary base when they would cry a lot more then normal. It was a frustrating stage and the one I disliked the most. Please don't think that you are raising a whiny child, or parenting incorrectly. Keep on working with the words. He may just get so frustrated not being able to tell you that he wants "milk in the blue cup" that he loses control and needs a way to comfort and calm himself.
Does he have a favorite blanket or stuffed animal something that provides him with comfort when he is stressed? I like the idea of the pillow that another mom gave. I would try to put a really comfortable pillow and his blanket or something else really comforting in that area. When he demonstrates the whiny, upset behavior and nothing you do can correct the situation take him there so he can comfort himself. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but it is worth a try.
Both of my children got through the stage and at ages 5 and almost 3 they are not whiny at all now that they can communicate "I want milk in the blue cup." Or whatever the reasonable request they have might be.
My son is the same way, now 22 months old. Try rotating which toys you have out so that he doesn't become bored. If he has a meltdown ignore it (as long as he isn't hurting himself or destroying your house - my son likes to throw things when he is mad).
As for time outs we have used them for things like standing on the couch, hitting, throwing, tantrums, etc. We used to put him in his pack'n'play without toys and leave the room (1 minute for each year of age is the typical). Now though, his pack'n'play is set up in bassinet mode for his little cousin so we started putting him in a corner in the same room, telling him it was time out for whatever he did and we leave the room. To our astonishment he actually stays. I think once they realize what time out it that gets easier.
Good luck!
Miki,
You didn't mention if your son is whiny on the days he is home with dad. It could just be a case of he is missing YOU. That doesn't mean you need to quit your job.
When my son was young and I was working, he was happy at the sitter's but really whiny and clingy when I picked him up.
I just chalked it up to his being unable to get the right emotion with the right response, and so I would go about fixing dinner with him wrapped around my knee and riding on my foot! I would talk to him and give him loves and eventually he relaxed enough and was content to pull all of the pots and pans out of the cupboard and play. Lots easier to put them away than have an unhappy child! He did grow out of it.
You mentioned that he acts frustrated if he doesn't think you understand him. Have you thought about teaching him sign language? Several of my nieces have had great success with their children by doing this. Apparently, the children are able to sign faster than they can get their thoughts from their brain to their mouth. It really cuts down on the frustration factor, and actually helped with their speech development.
Good luck! As my older sister told me, "This too,shall pass."
Maureen
I'm a mother of 6 and a grandmother of 10 with one more on the way!
Hi N.!
Your son sounds a lot like mine did at that age, and there may be a chance that you have a spirited child, and what you are dealing with is a temprament issue and not a phase that will pass. The good news is that you probably have a very bright, active, boy who wants to be as independent as he can. My son is now 5 1/2 and I have read every book I could find about how to work with his particular temprament, as he has what most would consider to be a more difficult temprament than most children. (I also have two other kids). My son is also VERY active, as you said yours was. One book I would highly recommend for someone with a child your age is, Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. As your child gets older, you might find that traditional discipline methods don't work as well with him as with other kids. If so, I would highly recommend the book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein.
We also found out that my son had some food sensitivities (especially to milk) so we removed that from his diet and it did help. Milk sensitivities/allergies can be a cause of ear infections. He also follows the Feingold Food Program www.feingold.org.
Even though the special diet helped, it did not take away his basic inborn temprament, but he is SO much better today than he was two years ago. Kids like this can take much more work than others, but they are very special and they are worth it!!
Please feel free to contact me if you would like any further information. I would be happy if any of this info I have collected over all these years could help someone else out, too! Good Luck!
Nicki,
It sounds to me as if your son is learning how to manipulate. I would guess at daycare there is a structured environment with set rules. I found that our children acted like your son when My husband and I were not using the same rules for behaviors and discipline.
Make sure you are giving your son time(it is easy to put our kids off to get things done) and positive feedback. Establish rules with your husband that both of you can agree on and then stick with them. It is reasuring to your child that he sees that mom and dad support each other. And experience has taught us that it is reasuring to older children as well. And for the most part with the fits, act as if you cannot see them and walk away. If my child whined I would have them talk in a nice voice and then say how much easier it was for me to understand and hear them. Kids at this age can understand a lot more then they can communicate. Kids learn quickly what will or will not work for them.
My son is the exact same way. He goes to daycare and is perfectly fine and all I ever hear is how good he is. My husband has him for an hour before I get home from work and he is great for him. But as soon as I walk in the door he is a totally different child, whinning and crying and following me around. He also doesn't have any patients. The best thing I have found that works that was very hard at first was "time out" It is never to early to give them a time out for their behavior. My son gets a minute and a half since he is 20 months old for behaving that way and over time he has gotten so much better. They are just reacting to us leaving them at daycare all day or in your case your husband sometimes when your not home. I know my son is so much better when its all of us. Hopefully this works. You also might want to cut the naps down to just one nap a day instead of two.
Hi N.,
I see you have a lot of responses, I don't have time to read them all but just wanted to let you know that I have a 17month old son too and he is whiny all the time. I felt like I was the only one until I saw your request. I live in Wisconsin and it has been a very cold winter and tons of snow, so we haven't gotten out much. I just figured it is boredom because he will wonder the house whiny,I'm a SAHM and I also take care of my 13 month old nephew so it is hard to listen to all day.
I try my best to get fun activities going but they are at that age where they are learning independence and don't listen well. I take them to other people's houses as much as I can, and it does help. My son comes to life when we are at someone else's house.
I also tell him "no whining" and "tell me what you would like" I know he understands everything I am saying so I am just waiting for this phase to pass...However, I have always learned that what ever comes next it will be worse. So I remind myself that when the whining gets really bad.
Hope it helps to know others are dealing with this too and it will pass but you might not like what new phase they go through next....
M.
We put our two year old in her room for a timeout when she gets her temper tantrums. It is not a long time. But her door sticks a little so it is hard for her to open it herself. so after a minute she gives up trying, then she forgets about being mad, starts playing in her room. And when it sounds like she is over her fit, I go in and say "Are you ready to come out?" or "Are you all done being crabby?" And she does not answer me, but she will come over and hug me and then it's back to normal. We used to just ignore her when she threw a fit, but it would only esculate. All I have to do is pick her up and put her in her room and shut the door now. It doesn't hurt them to cry for a few minutes. In fact it is a good way to get it all out. Good Luck!
All the possible causes you sighted contribute, but the bottom line is that whiny kids have parents who tolerate it. If it's not allowed, it stops. Warn, apply appropriate disciple and don't give in. Sounds simple and it is, but it is not easy and it will take a lot of time to break. Better now than later, though! I suggest "What the Bible Says About Child Training" by Fugate for practical suggestions and explanations about what your child is thinking.
Regarding timeouts - they really only work with older kids who have higer thinking skills that allow them to understand what they are in timeout for. Younger ones need physical interaction, hugging restraint, etc. to get their attention. A toddler functions primarily on impulse - I want that, I take it, I want to go there, I go. Impulse is not curbed by sitting in a corner fuming over the perceived injustice perpetrated on them by their parents - that just feeds rebellion for the future. I know - I've been through it!
Old SAHM of seven, 23yrs-16 mos., and still confronting the rebellion monster.
I agree....its an age thing. We taught both of our daughters to say please by using sign language... which helped a ton. Also...just because you finished the antibiotic for the ear infection doesn't make it gone...sometimes they don't work and the dr. has to switch medicines...so watch out for signs of the ear infection too!
I would look into something called love and logic. It's about giving empathy, choices, letting the kid pick a decision that is ok with you, and letting them deal with the consequence. In your example, he's whining you so or how sad. Would you like to use your big boy voice or have some time in your room? He continues to whine and you pick him up and put him in his room. Would you like the door open or closed? See you when you are sweet. Give him a big hug when he's happy and prepare to do it all over again. Then maybe when it's over you can ask him - how did the whining work for you? Did you get what you wanted? What do you think you'll do next time instead. As you get used to this form of life - letting them have control on things that are ok with you - do you want straweberry or blueberry yogurt, wear the blue or black hat, go to bed in 2 minutes or 3 minutes... they feel like they get some control of their lives and these developmental phases are bearable to get through. Check it out - it's a great system and it keeps you from yelling and being frustrated.
Time outs---
we started time outs with our son around 18 monthsish. I dont remember. all we would do was send him to his room(on the same level as ours) for one minute. i then realized when we are in public(other peoples house's) his room isn't there....but everyone has a couch or chair. so at 20 months i started on the couch in the living room. it is a little hard sometimes, he likes to get off, but that means the minute starts over. i dont make him sit still for the whole time(i mean really a toddler boy sit still?!?) I do not let him have any toys, tv goes off if it were on, radio off if it were on. i do let him have his blankie though...that is about it. i dont talk to him while on time out, i usually leave the room. if he talks i just ignore him. i noticed that the couch started to work better than his room so that is what we do now. i give him a warning if he doesnt' _______ then you will have time out for a minute. Sometimes the warning is enough other times he gets the time out. sometimes his minute lasts 5 because he keeps getting off and sometimes it is just 1 minute. YOU NEED TO BE CONSISTENT!!! THAT IS THE KEY! COME UP WITH THE WAY YOU WANT TO DO IT AND FOLLOW THROUGH. He is at the age of testing your buttons!!
whining---when my son has a meltdown or gets really whiny i send him to his room(dont close door all the way so he doesnt think he is in trouble) but we tell him it is ok to be mad, sad, cry, or whatever, in your room. Mommie and Daddie don't have to hear it.
I ignore whining in my house. I actually have a pretty well behaved 27 month old but when he has his moments of whininess I tell him I don't listen to whining and that he needs to use his words to tell me what he needs. If he doesn't like that and it turns into a full blown fit he is sent to his room because I don't listen to tantrums either.
I think you'll be happier if you lower your expectations for your son. He is VERY young yet-and doesn't have a sense that he's being "good" or "bad." I know it's annoying-my 20 month old went through it too and is sometimes still in this phase-but he's frustrated that he can't communicate well yet, so putting yourself in your son's shoes can help with YOUR frustration. (: Now that my son is talking a ton, he can communicate his needs a lot more, is less frustrated and therefore whiny less often. Also, I wouldn't necessarily think yet that your son "isn't blessed with patience." Kids this age have no sense of time, and so it's actually almost impossible for them to be patient. Kids are typically "better behaved" at daycare (just as adults are in public, no? (:) and let our their true feelings, anxieties, and stresses at home where they feel safe and loved. It's a good sign, actually. I wouldn't try to hurry through a developmental stage-you can't really rush them through what they need to go through, and instead try to enjoy this phase for what it is. Believe me-new challenges will crop up when this one is
"solved!" Best of luck to you.
I definitely wouldn't use a time out at this age.
Try to ignore it as best you can. It will be hard, but it's worth it.
How many naps does he take a day and how long do they last? How many hours does he sleep at night? He might need more sleep, especially if he is so active.
I know my son has more whiny times when he doesn't get a very good nap in. Actually your son sounds a lot like my oldest, he's 28 months, and unfortunatly we are still dealing with the whinyness...mostly when it's closer to nap or bed time.
I'm going to come down on the "ride it out" side of this. Starting around 18 mos, the "half-birthday" is a notorious time of disequilibrium (so they call it) - then 2-1/2, 3-1/2, 4-1/2 . . . It tends to be a time of insecurity, frustration, and struggle for them and it's a pain in the behind for you. Definitely, decide on your boundaries and stick with them. Also try to model alternate strategies for him - always say "please" when you ask him to do something, talk about gentle touching and not grabbing and pulling. If he grabs and pulls, gently but firmly say "no" and walk away. Time-outs are almost impossible for an 18 mo old, in my experience. But YOU choosing to disengage (walking away, not making eye contact) is very powerful at his age. Keep it short, and allow him a repair - he can come to you and say "sorry" and then gets a big warm hug and lots of attention. I'm dealing with the 3-1/2 year old version of this right now, and repeat to myself at least 27 times a day "don't take it personally! don't take it personally!" A combination of radical patience and firm boundaries will get you through it - and he's going to be so much fun when he's 2! Good luck!
The whininess at home is his way of showing you that he has had some sort of issue during the day that he was not able to express outside his house. He knows he is loved by you and your husband and you will take care of him, so be grateful for that, at least, you are his 'go to' people. That being said, it is very difficult to deal with.
What I have found in the past that worked for me is once we get home from an all day activitiy away from mom and dad, we sit down with the child and do some real one on one time with him. Focus all of your attention on him for at least 15 minutes, that will re-inforce to him that you truly think of him as your #1 priority. Teach him sign language as well. Please is the best one to start with. With my second and third sons they both were very speach delayed do to massive ear infections as babies, and we use sign, they no longer had to whine, they were able to actually communicate. Take time to learn the sign that would be most useful to you. If you live in the TC metro area I would be happy to meet you some where to teach you some. I have a sign language proficency.
This is a difficult stage for him, he wants to be able to communicate with you but does not have the vocabulary to do so, sign will help.
Time out may work, may not, my two year will take time outs, but he sees his big brothers doing it, so he tinks it is a right of passage. I would try to just focus on him when he is being good. When he is whining, let him know that you cannot hear the whining, your ears don't worl for that type of noise., Tell him you will be happy to help him once he says please, and can ask calmly. It iwll take time, but he will get the idea eventually.
Good Luck,
Angela
SAHM to Max 6, Aiden 4, and Owen 2.
