Help with Whining & Fighting About Everything

You need to stand firm, be consistant, and not let her dictate what she wants to do. Since when do kids get to tell their parents what to do or what they want? You should be in charge and if she doesn't like it too bad. I am not saying kids shouldn't have opinions but save that for what type of toys they like or what their favorite color is. Don't argue with her, that's what she wants. You make the rules and if she doesn't follow them then that's when discipline comes in, time out, taking away tv time or a toy she really likes, and possibly a spanking. My kids rarely get a spanking but they did get one and know what it is and that they didn't like it and are very good kids and are respectful most of the time.

I have had similar problems with my almost 4 year old. If I get down to his level and correct his behavior, it resultsw in less fighting. For snack or lunch, I give him 2 -3 choice of what he can have. If he asks for something else, we see if it ispossible, if not he has to live witht he other choices. This way, at dinner, I make the choice of what to eat (usually whatever we are eating and he doesn't fuss too much. The same with clothes, I give him the choice to pick his shirt and shorts. If it's cold, I pick the pants. If he screams at me or throws a fit, it's off to timeout. Give these a try - good luck !

This 4 year old has control over you. But, good news is, you CAN turn this around.

First, do not ever let her wining or fit throwing be effective. If she wants something, she needs to use her big girl voice and ask like a big girl. Give her an example "Mommy, may I please have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" That should be the only way she will get it. "Your response could be, "Yes you may. Thank you for asking so nicely."

Be firm with her (but not yelling) and tell her you cannot hear her when she whines. Giving her what she wants, even one time, tells her that her wining and fits are effective.

Make sure you model the behavior you want her to have and use your manners as well. If she hears you wining and yelling, she will do the same. Keep your calm, (even if it means walking away for a moment) and use your manners too. Remember to speak FIRMLY, but respectfully.

When she does throw herself on the floor, walk away. Do not give this behavior any attention. When she has calmed down, get down to her eye level, look her straight in the eye, speak calmly but FIRMLY, not yelling, and say "Your behavior is not ok. It is unacceptable. When you are angry, you use your big girl words." Give her a chance to use kind words to talk to you, then the situation is over.

You have to be consistent at all times with this. Giving in even one time can be a huge set back and give her mixed messages.

Giving her more choices throughout the day when she has good behavior can also help. And act cheerful when you ask "Would you like cereal, toast, or eggs for breakfast? Orange juice or milk?" "Would you like to go on a walk or to the park?" "Do you want to wear your blue pants or the red one's?" In the case that she throws a fit and says neither, DO NOT give in. Either she wears the red or blue pants, or she goes in her pajama's. If she screams about not wanting toast OR cereal, then she can eat later when she decides which one she wants. If you are leaving and she can't eat later, bring it with you for later. The moment she begins to whine, tell her you will listen when she is ready to use big girl words, and walk away. She can come to you when she is ready.

Bottom line, YOU have to be in control and SHOW her that you are serious. Kids need limits, although they don't know it. Limits hep them feel safe and secure. Model what good behavior looks like. Try to be silly with her and have fun. Take some of the attention off her fits and have fun, regardless of her behavior. Show her that her screaming and fits have no effect on you.

I work with young children and families. PLEASE let me know if you would like to talk further about this. You CAN get a handle on this and it is important that this happens now, before she gets much older.

Best wishes, C.

One other thing I haven't seen on the responses is to check her amount of sleep. My 4 1/2 yr boy is not taking naps anymore so we made his bed time a little bit earlier. He really began acting up and being argumentative and had similar situations like you describe. After talking to his Pediatrition, we slowly raised the bed time even more to 7:00pm and he is now behaving much better in general. Of course he has his moments, but the constant whining and disagreements have greatly improved. He was not getting enough sleep and it was coming out in his behavior. Maybe see if more sleep at night would help her out. It did for my child.

Hi S.-

I see you have had a lot of responses to read through. I wanted to add my two cents. I will make it simple. QUIT NEGOTIATING and DO NOT RESPOND TO HER FITS. People do to us what we ALLOW! Kids are great at manipulating us and pushing our buttons but again, it is only done if that is what is allowed. DO NOT argue back with her. You run this show and you are asking for a headache now, and later, if you do not get some control NOW. This doesn't involve being mean. It certainly means you do not yell. You don't have to do this because you calmly and matter of factly tell her the way it is going to be and you STICK TO IT! The key is do not give her too many options and to be only willing to do the options you give her. Give her choice A or B and C is that if she doesn't make her choice from those that you will choose for her. Be firm, loving, and consistent and you will see DRAMATIC improvements. You can do this! :) Here's a hug! Good luck!

Hi S., I will try to give you some suggestions. I deal with toddlers on a daily basis and have for about 15 years. I have had some that were almost impossible. 4-5 years olds are all about control. I always said I never minded "terrible twos" as much as 4's, they are they terrible twos again except now they know everything!! I have learned to pick the battles with them. If they have a sense of winning sometimes they will concede more often. Such as the clothing issue. Give her choices of what you want and what you want. I know that sounds funny but say you pick out 3 pairs of pants, all of which are acceptable by you. She is making a choice and thinking she is winning. Same with snacks and so on. On some things such as going along with the activity or whats for dinner, she can have the choice of eating what is available or not. Sometimes the absolute matter of fact that this is what there is and thats all give s them nowhere to turn and the thought of doing with out is not a fun one. This is a hard thing to do especially when we are a thrower. I just dealt with a 5 year old that it was a morning routine for her to disagree with something and lay on the floor and throw a fit. I taught them to let her have her choice of throwing her fit or missing out and then they go on with out her. They did that one day when they were going out to get something to eat. I am their nanny so they left her with me screaming and kicking. But as soon as she realized the really left she stopped and asked me where did they go? I told her that by her throwing her fit and not cooperating, that told her mom and dad that she didn't want to go. So they went without her. She asked me to call them to come back and I told her I couldn't but they would be home soon. She started to get the crying going again and I told her she would have to do it in her room and that it was ok for her to be upset but she made the choice to throw her fit instead of cooperating. They know at this age about choices. She can either cooperate or be left out. This takes some endurance on your part but it will pay off if you stay with it. They do not like to be excluded of course no one does. Good luck!!

My husbands cousin does something that is just genius- and at 4 your daughter would would really understand- and should quickly catch on.

When Laurie's girls' whine, she gives them one chance to go and do something fun- do a puzzle, play in their room, whatever. If she hears them whine again she tells them, "Ok, I'll give you something to whine about. How about you organize this cabinet.". I'll tell you what...they learn FASSSSTTT. Her girls are great- never complaining and always keeping busy.

This may just be a way to get attention from you. She may be jealous of her older sister. I have a daughter who is very strong willed and seems to enjoy the fight. In fact, she became a master at knowing just what buttons to push to keep a fight going. Even though it was emotional and negative and awful, it was attention from mom. What has worked for me is to be kind but firm. If she doesn't want the fast food, offer her the PB&J. When she whines about the PB&J simply tell her that was the decision she made and she knew that a toy would not pop out of the peanut butter jar. Then refuse to say another word about it. If the whining and screaming continue, take her sandwich and tell her you'll throw it away and she'll have nothing. Then move on to something else. Her screaming and fighting can't go on without your participation, so refuse to participate in bad behavior as much as possible. And, remember, when she is being good or calm or cooperative let her know what a good girl she is and how much that helps you and the family.

Try out Jim Fay's Love and Logic book for younger children. It has some really good ideas and ones that you can enjoy too without pulling your hair out.

Most importantly, stick to whatever consequences you tell your child she will face!!! :)

Good luck.

I also have two children, girls also, ages 7&5. And honestly I have learned to just not argue w/ them or give them the fight they want. Its the attention apparently i believe they are looking for, (not saying that u dont give them attention) i give them a few choices and if they dont decide then i will. and leave it at that. girls can be HUGE drama queens and its only about the fight, not whatever you are actualy fighting about

Reality check...your daughter is running this house...I would suggest you sit back, take a deep breath and discuss with your husband some new disciplinary techniques that are going to go into affect. My suggestion is to try the 1-2-3 Magic technique. Very simple 3 warnings and you go to time out...you count for arguing, whining, hitting, tantrums (of course time out doesn't start until tantrum is over), etc. If both girls are fighting then the counting is for BOTH not one or the other....everyone is even steven on this... Also, you should be firm, this is what you are having for dinner. If she's not interested then tell her she can go to her room and you will see her at breakfast. Don't give into the "mom I'm hungry" in a couple of hours either...Let her make the choice (it empowers her too) but she has to live with the consequences. CONSEQUENCE should be a new word in your daily vocabulary for this kiddo... Stop letting her rule the roost and take some action. You're library may have books on the 1-2-3 Magic process or you can check online http://www.parentmagic.com/ I highly recommend it! Good luck!

boundaries are a necessary and valid part of every child's life. it MAY be that your daughter is going wild from a complete lack of boundaries, and all you need is to put down your iron fist and force her to conform... but for what it's worth... maybe i'm living in a dream-land but i think that to get respect you have to give it, not demand it.

you probably already do this in an effort to get along, but one thing i thought of, if you can let her make small decisions that don't matter really, "do you want to wear your blue shirt or your pink shirt today?", "do you want fruit snacks or crackers, for a snack?" then maybe she'd be less likely to have a meltdown when there isn't any choice for her, you know what i mean? "honey, do you want to use the comb or the brush this morning?" "honey do you want one fork or two?" just whatever you can think of. she might feel more validated and respected. which, even at 4, she wants to be validated and respected. it will take some time and patience but, giving her just that extra thirty seconds of attention might help. even my 19 month old just wants to be heard and understood - he has a meltdown every time he hears "no" so i understand! (he's not old enough to understand "which do you want?" yet, either!) good luck - we all have to use trial-and-error to figure out what works best for us personally. hope you find something that works for you!

My oldest is exactly the same way we turned to Love and Logic parenting. They have several books, C.D.'s, and other helpful tools. You can go to their web site at www.loveandlogic.com This has really helped us with our at the time five year old.
Hope this helps!!
C.

I definately think that there is a hormonal change that happens in little girls arount this age. My 5 year old is similar, though more inhibited in public. I think its because she is the oldest. I dread when our second reaches age 4 1/2-5. SHe's much less inhibited. Its hard. Our latest thing is that I've told our 5 year old that I will throw her dresses away if she is sassy because her fancy dresses make her think she's a princess. She doesn't want that, so that threat has worked so far. Also if we have problems during dinner, then there is no dessert. 3 of us will eat dessert while the naughty girl watches. Its a big punishment. Good luck!
Good luck!

Pick your battles. Why can't she wear the same pants every day, for example? She sounds like she needs some control over her own life and some more attention from you. Find ways to do that when she isn't misbehaving, and then just ignore the bad behavior. Let her cry and whine, but don't give in. It must be working for her. Good luck; I know it's annoying.

What is served for dinner, whether at home or out, is what the children eat for dinner, or any other meal. If you offer something else, she will always want yet something different. We went through that with our daughter very early on. Someone clued me in that if your child misses one or two meals, it wont hurt them. So if they don't eat what is served, there is nothing else served later, unless they want you to put the plate in the frig and heat it up later. Going to bed instead of eating is effective too. However, you MUST follow through and not give in, regardless of the fight. You are still bigger and the parent. Pick her up from the floor and put her in the bed if she won't go. Put the clothes on her if she doesn't do it on her own. Don't be afraid to leave a store or restraunt if the behavior is too unruly. But don't let her have what she wants either. If you have to leave, then she gets nothing. I know it sounds tough, but children need and want boundaries and need to know where the line is that they should not cross, and it has to be consistant. Both parents have to stand united, (divided we fall). Kids learn very early that their behaviors can cause the parents to yell and fight among themselves. You cannot let her control your behavior. If you don't like yelling, don't. Just calmly state what you are going to do, what you expect her to do, if necessary tell her the consequences,and you make it happen. There is a book called 1 2 3 Magic. It works, you never need to get to 3 if you are consistant. Athough both of my kids have asked "What will happen if you get to 3?' As though they are assessing if the consequences are worth their actions. I just responded, "do you really want to take that chance and find out?" of course the answer was no, and they complied with the request. BE STRONG.

Just in case you haven't already tried......

At a time when she's being very well behaved and sweet, talk to her about how it makes you feel when you have to nag at her all day. Tell her how it would make you feel if she did stuff the first time you asked her to do it. Tell her that you're going to start a new thing where you only ask her to do something once. If she doesn't do it then you'll start taking stuff away (you don't tell her 'stuff', tell her about whatever it is that's her favorites.)

BUT if she does it right away, then you'll give her a reward, etc.....

The next day.....Ask once, ONLY once, if she doesn't do what you asked her to do take something away. If she does do whatever it was that you asked, then give her some sort of reward. 1 Jellybean, or 1 M&M,......etc.

You have to follow through everytime or it won't work.

I hope this helps, and good luck

I read some of the responses. Telling her how you feel and expecting her to respond to that will be a waste of time for you. Counting is useless as well, as it will teach her she only has to do what you say after you get to "3".
Most of the responses said to set boundaries, I completely agree. A 4 yr old is smart enough to know she isn't old enough to run the home, even though that is what she is doing. Your lack of discipline is frustrating to her, no wonder she whines all the time. She needs you to be in charge, she doesn't yet have the self control she needs to set the boundaries she needs. That is your job.

If you tell her she is getting McDonalds for lunch, make sure you follow thru, no matter what she says. "no" should mean "no". You have trained her that she can argue and whine to get what she wants, re-read the 4th and 5th sentence from your post. Never give in to her whining or arguing.

hope that helps
J.
p.s. If you really want well behaved children read "to train up a child" you can find it at www.nogreaterjoy.org

Ok I feel better now my son is the same age he'll be 5 in Sept. he want's PB&J for lunch and dinner we don't eat this very often not even once a week so all a sudden this is all he want's anyway the whining and the lil fit's i'm sick of it and have really know idea but to talk to him about this,it has been getting a tad bit worse since lil sis is over a yr, old now and get's into everything that she want's and he want's to play around the house but now I have him go to his room to play and shut the door since he refuses to share.The not listening and havingto tell him to do something over and over again is getting frustrating so he looses privelages and know's that I mean buisness when he doesn't get his way.If we fail to teach our kid's young then it'll only get worse and then they will run us over verbally and physically I refuse to let this happen RESPECT is a huge issue in my household.
sahm of 2 kiddo's and married

When I have a child like this in my daycare or one of my own tries this I make it very clear that my home is not a democracy. I take every single opportunity to explain and reinforce that they don't get any choices that I don't specifically give them. When we go out to eat I decide what we are having. I wouldn't ever give a child an alternate food choice if I heard anything negative like they don't like or they don't want... They can eat or go hungry. If they cry or fuss about something and it should be fun, then the activity is over. Don't let her choose her clothes. You choose them and MAKE her put them on. Physically take her and make her put them on if she doesn't immediately do it herself.

This type of behavior is reinforced when you take the peacemaker stance and try and negotiate or explain yourself too much. It's ok to tell them once that the other pants are dirty. But then that's it. It takes 2 to argue, even when they are the ones being really loud about it. Something you have been doing or not doing has been giving her the idea that this behavior is getting her someplace.

Children want and need bounderies. They may seem to be fighting hard against those bounderies. But often this is really just a way to see if they can trust their parents. If you make a threat, follow through. If you make a promise, keep it.

It tell my kids all the time I want to see them have fun and enjoy life. But their safety comes first and I make the rules. If they fight with me about the rules or disobey the rules then they aren't going to have fun. That's it. They probably here me say that dozens of times over. Most of the time this works. But sometimes they may latch onto a particular behavior for weeks and weeks. But without a doubt the children that behave better are the ones who's parents take the time and talk with me at length about all the issues I am having in the daycare so we can stay on the same page at home and at daycare. The ones that have different rules at home are the ones take the longest to train. You can have this same thing happening in your own house. If you have one rule when you are tired of fighting and another rule when you are determined to change things then she's going to be confused. If Dad does things different and she spends time with Grandma and or someone else undoing your hard work, then you will have lots of problems.

Suzi

The only thing that helped with my daughter was to give her two or three choices. For example- what would you like for dinner, Mcdonalds with a happy meal toy or pb&j from home? I also do this in the morning- I give her three choices for what to wear and I make them different(ex.- one long sleeve shirt, one short sleeve, and a sweater) Also for this I started having her pick out her clothes at night so there wasn't so much stress in the morning when you are running late. I always lose it too, but just remember if she can get you to lose your patience that means she is in control which is what she really wants- to be in control of things. You can make her feel in control while you are controlling what the choices are!! Good Luck!! J.