Help with Tantrums

My 16 mo old does that, too. I use gentle but firm restraint, like a big bear hug, until he calms down.
This, coupled with a stern "no" usually works quickly. He may yell about it, but I just wait him out.

SAHM of seven

take her to a safe place like her crib and put her down and say with a smile so sorry or so sad - I'll see you when you are sweet. leave her be to get her fit out without an audience then as soon as she stops crying come in with a smile and pick her up and say love you and get on with what you are doing.

If she's scratching firmly tell her that is not nice, put her in timeout or confine her to a highchair or something else.

If it's a tantrum IGNORE it ignore it ignore it. If you give in to hush her up or get things moving more quickly or because your embarassed out in public she will learn her tandtrums work and continue to throw them.

Example your in the kitchen and she's throwing a fit. Ignore her, walk away out of sight and donot look at her, talk to her or acknowledge her. Lock yourself in your bedroom if you have to.

IGNORE them. As hard as it is, I found the best way to discourage the behavior is to not draw attention to it. This means that she may have MEGA flip outs in public, but most people have been there and done that.
Good luck... she will grow out of it!
Deb.

Does she go to daycare with other children she may be copying someone from daycare.

I have a 15 month old and a 3 year old and I have recently been frustrated with the same thing. My SWEET little, smiley boy with chuck his cup or bite me with full force if he doesn't get his way. I remember this at the same age with my first and it IS the lack of language. Simple sign language helps A TON!!! SERIOUSLY. She will be delighted that she can communicate with you. Get a baby sign language board book and focus on emotions & action words, like: eat, happy, more, all done, toilet (our potty sign).

I don't think that a child at this age is ready for time outs, but putting her down or walking away with a firm NO, should get the message across. If she's happy like mine, she wants your positive attention, but they are at the age where they are testing out this negative attention thing, too. I didn't mean to write so much. Good luck!

Hi K.,

Our children are going to be 18 & 21 in the next few weeks.

Our son used to have temper tantrums (he was our first too)
where he would bang his head on the floor. We were worried and called the doctors. The doctor told us that he was just seeking our attention and that we needed to relax, he would never pound his head so hard as to hurt himself.

Your daughter no doubt misses her mom. And is acting in a way she knows how. And that is to behave in such a way where she gets your attention. What I have found, is that children have an amazing sense of what's going on around them, they just sometimes have a hard time with how to react to the situation and express their feelings. They do what they feel inside will get them the results they need.

It sounded like easy advice.

I was working 3rd shift and my hubby worked 1st so we didn't need a sitter. But it still wasn't easy.

We started ignoring his temper tantrums and when he saw that he wasn't getting us upset. Things changed. But we did give him the attention when he did good things.

Hope this helps.

J.

Sounds like she's heading into the Terrible Two's! When she starts throwing a fit, walk away. Tell her you'll talk to her when she calms down.

Hi K. -
I'm a mom of two, boy 10 and girl 12. My son had a lot of tantrums. I often thought they would never end. Some times the tantrums were so long and aggressive I was scared. But this is what I did and suggest that you try these steps too.

Understand their tantrum is a reaction to something. Look at the events that occurred before the tantrum. What is the general theme. do they occur when you return home from work, when you're making dinner or performing other chores, is the child not getting their way, is it near bedtime? Look at the big picture.

If the child is reacting to not getting their way because you said "no", then put the child into a time out. Stand firm mom. Don't back down.

My son would have tantrums when I made dinner. He would yell and stomp and fall on the floor. It wasn't until I looked at the big picture that I understood what was frustrating him. I was rushing in from work, got them from daycare, rushed into the house and started dinner, the whole production was a flash of movement. From the time I got home until I finished cooking dinner I was rushing about the house. The routine was unsettling for my little boy. I had to change my routine. I slowed down. I didn't rush to fix meals and clean the house. I spent an hour with them when I got home. I played with them, talked to them, sometimes we went for a walk. My son needed that time.

Also, don't get caught up in the tantrum. remain calm. Your child will pick up that.

Good luck and hang in there.

My daughter and son did similar things - they used to bang there heads on the floor or wall and bite themselves during tantrums. My daughter is now 4 and does not do any of those things anymore and my son is now 3 and will still bite himself if he is very upset, but it is much less frequent. How did we deal with it? Don't freak out or make a big deal about it - she might keep doing it just because she knows it gets a rise out of you. Also, give her something to scratch - a ball or a blanket or try things with different textures - and say firmly, "No scratching Mommy. No scratching [your daughter's name]. I see that you are angry. Scratch the blankie (or the ball, etc.)." We taught our kids to "bang" their heads on the couch cushions rather than the floor/wall when they were angry and that worked well. When we saw them getting angry, we would validate the emotion ("I see you are really mad.") and remind them to bang on the couch cushions ("Let's go over to the couch and do some head banging.") This provides an outlet for the strong emotion they are feeling and teaches them to find healthy ways to release emotion. Eventually you can teach her to say, "I'm mad!" and talk about what she is feeling. Once she understands appropriate ways to deal with emotion, but she refuses to use those ways and continues to tantrum, time out works well. But until then, stay with her and teach her healthy ways to deal with it. My kids are pretty high strung - active, loud, intense - and they need permission and space to be active, loud, and intense. When they were little and even now we try to provide space for that (spend 15 minutes just jumping/dancing/rolling around on the floor/bouncing on the couch) and that seems to help decrease the intensity of tantrums and huge emotional responses. Hope that helps!
NikkiLiz

16 months is too young to be throwing tantrums out of power struggling. The scratching is disconcerting because it means that what ever pain she is in is greater than the pain she can inflict on herself. I would check her food for allergens: i.e., corn syrup in any form will cause extreme stress on small children. Fruit juice can also cause stress as it is excessively high in sugar, which bombards the nervous system with more than it can handle (Google on "what's wrong with fruit juice" and "what's wrong with corn syrup" to find out more).

Feed her whole foods, fruit and veggies. Eliminate formula and start giving her water and tea. She is old enough to get her nutrients from food rather than formula.

It also sounds like her nervous system is on overload. Toddlers need life to be quiet and predictable and going to day care or leaving the house a lot can really affect a child's ability to stay calm.

If her world is too busy, she won't be able to handle stress... or if there is too much noise as well. Calm her down by eliminating excess noise (turn off radios and tv), and let her spend more time at home or in a quiet place at her day care.

There is a fabulous homeopathic remedy for stressed out kids: Calms Forte. You can find it in the baby/kids section of the health area at any Co-op or Whole Foods. This remedy can be given to her every day at any time and is completely safe and tested. I used it often with my little one when she couldn't calm down on her own.

Good luck!

Hi K.,
I understand this one as I have four children and am a life coach. What I have found is MANY adults still are uncomfortable with the sensations of some feelings such as frustration or even excitement; they have been taught that it is wrong to physically feel these feelings.
Children come in to a wide range of emotions at an early age. Remember how young they are when separation anxiety hits?!
Children are very perseptive and in tune to their parents' energy, too. What I suggest here is to tune in to your own feelings as your daughter starts to lose it. Breathe and notice the emotions it elicits in you. Notice why some emotions might be uncomfortable as you feel them. As you notice, accept and feel your own uncomfortable emotions, they pass rather quickly. Respond to your daughter's tantrums only after your own strong emotions in response to hers have been accepted, felt and passed. That's where mother's intuition will have kicked in to deal with the situation your own wise, loving way.
P. Jackson

The best thing is to ignore her completely. Tantrums are normally attention devices. If she continues to hurt herself, you should discuss this with your peditrician.

Remember to praise her good behaviors!!

My 3 yr old has always had a horrible temper (just like her mother I suspect! :-)) I REMEMBER my own tantrums. I just didn't know how to deal w/ the strong emotions inside me. And - no one taught me. I was just left to deal with it. I learned to supress them, but I STILL have a hard time dealing with my own volatile emotions. I've told my son (now 5) that we both have to learn :+ Anyway - with my daughter - I try to do something soothing and let her know I understand her frustration. Sometimes that's all she needs is someone to understand. Other times - she gets so angry she kicks and hits at anyone near her. At those times, I do one of two things, depending on how violent she is. I put her in a safe place (with nothing dangerous nearby to throw, kick, whatever) and tell her I will come back after she calms down. Sometimes I have to come back several times. Most of the time that works. She gets through the emotions and then there is time for us to quietly talk about the proper way to deal with these things. It's tough, I know! My 5 yr old has had tantrums where he's ripped his own artwork. He learned quickly from that one that it does NOT feel good to destroy things. I wish someone had taught me how to deal with my own emotions - so I am trying to teach us all! I hope this helps - me aND you :-) I'll be reading any responses, let us know how things turn out - I sure could use the advice too!

one word...spankings.

K.,

Hang in there! Being 16 months old is a first for your daughter and the first time you had a 16 month old (READ: it is always new ground, no matter the age or the number of children you have.)
Most 16 month olds are working on being independent, but their little brains work faster than their words do. Have you considered some basic sign language? Several of my nieces have had great success with this and the frustration factor dropped considerably. Apparently, their brains can communicate with their hands faster than they can get the words to form.
You are correct--The scratching needs to stop. Hold her hands, hold her close, talk quietly to her, help her take a couple of deep breaths to calm down. EVERYONE needs oxygen to be able to think clearly.
I did this with my children when they were little, and it helped a lot. In fact, even at 18 and 27, it still works when they call with a problem. It also helps you, as a mother/wife/person to take a couple of deep breaths.
Your little one is learning so much right now, that it is a lot to process. As her mommy, you need to give her proper tools. Try to talk with her about it when she is calm. Even though she is very small, she will recognize your love and desire to help. They also learn a lot from observation, so take care!
Maureen
I'm a 51 year old mother of 2, "stepmom" of 4 (I consider then all MINE) and a granmother of 10. All of them are wonderful in their own way and give me joy.

I agree with Beth. This is something that we do with our Son, who started throwing them tantrums. We got up and left the room. After a couple times of this he learned that he was not going to get his way by throwing a fit. He still does this, but the tantrums do not last as long as they used to, and he is learning how to get what he wants and needs by comnuicating instead of throwing a fit because he cannot get what he wants. Good luck, I know that this is a tough time, but it will get better.

K.,
First let me just say, I feel for ya! I ahve a three year old that likes to respond with trantrums. But, I think you pointed to the main issue in your question--it's not the tantrums, it is the frustration your daughter is going through (very common at this stage as kids are trying to gain independece). I think for a long period of development, children who suffer frustration do not know how to express it (let alone identify it). I would start by acknowledging her frustration, "I understand you are frustrated..." and then ask her to tell you, "use your words" what it is that she needs. I don't know how far along your daughter is with language, perhaps you could respond with body language, maybe your daughter is pointing at things she wants/needs--more than likely (and I'm guessing) she wants to do it herself--I would suggest that you try and help her to do it herself (i.e., lifting her up so she can grab the cookie from the counter herself). Unless you feel that the stage is really out of control and abnormal, and it warrants a visit with your physician, I would try to stay calm and tell yourself it is probably a temporary reaction until her language acquisition gets better--and she can tell you what the matter is.

Mine did too. I think, and I've read that b/c toddlers don't have the language skills they need to express themselves, they get frustrated and act out as a result. Mine bit herself and my husband & I. When she's not having a tantrum- talk to her about using her words. And give her some words to use. "MAD", "ANGRY", "SAD", etc. Good Luck-

K.~

Good Luck!! I'm probably not the best for this kind of advice, my girls never really had tantrums. Anyways, I would cut her nails for sure. If she is hurting herself or anyone else, tell her that behavior is NOT acceptable and put her in time out. If she comes out of time out, put her back. She needs to be reminded that YOU are the boss, not her. If the tantrum is kicking and screaming you can also try to ignore her. She is probably looking for attention, but needs to know that is not the way to get it. Also, make sure that you and your daycare provider are on the same page as far as this action goes. You don't want you child to receive mixed messages about how her tantrums are delt with. Main thing is to be consistant. Good Luck!

~J.

ignore her when she starts and she will quit i have 20 month old twin boys and thats how i got them to quit just put her in another room and ignore her and she will see that and quit it

I think it is a phase. My girl was a biter and I wanted a muzzle for her, doc said NO! She out grew it. You can try clipping and filing her nails, that will make the scratching less damaging.

About me, mom o 1, 4yrs old and WILD!
Rebecca

My granddaughter is 16 months also and started throwing tantrums. I realized that she started this when her dad started working out of town, she and her mom would go stay at her great grandma's for a few days and they broke her of the bottle. I told my daughter in law that perhaps between giving up the bottle and not having a regular bed time with all the changes, it is too much. Has there been changes in your daughters life?

Children hit, scratch and bite when they can't tell you how they feel angry or frustrated. It is normal although it isn't acceptable. Time out always seems to be the best and also having them help "fix" the problem (holding a cold compress on the owie and appologizing). This shows them that they caused the hurt to someone else, they need to make it better. This too shall pass with better communication skills.

As scary as it seems, it sounds like your baby is growing up and is needing some independance. Usually when a child gets to start throwing tantrums, it is to show out thier aggression to not being able to make thier own choices.

I actually agree with Julie C. and her "one word" answer. There's a bit more to it than just that. Check out this website http://www.morethanalive.com/
and look for a book called To Train Up A Child by Michael Pearl. You can even read a pdf sample of the first few pages which really gives you a good idea on child training before you even have to resort to discipline. Basically, you make it more uncomfortable for her to behave badly so that by her own choice (and self-preservation) she chooses to behave well. I was so glad when I found this (and the other No Greater Joy) books. They are like a pot of gold!