HELP WITH "SONS" Driving Me Crazy

have you researched how a modified diet (eliminating certain foods, adding others) helps kids (and even adults) with ADHD? and a counselor will help him become more aware of his triggers.

wow, babes. this is REALLY extreme. this goes beyond some advice from a parenting board.
i would go to professionals and get help. do it today.
good luck!
khairete
S.

My brother-in-law is now 16 and when he was diagnosed with Bipolar he was about 9 or 10. Anyhow, he went through all these testings because his mom did not know what was going on with him. He would become violent over the smallest things. Kick holes in the walls, tear up his mattress, or do whatever when he did not get his way. His mom would tell him to do his homework and he would start yelling at her and everything. He his on medication now for it though. I am sharing this with you because it sounds as if your son is the same way. I would have him retested. I hope any advice that you get helps out. My mother-in-law is almost 50 and she has the 16yr old boy with bipolar and a 14yr old girl with bipolar as well. So I know what you are going through because it sounds like the exact same thing that she tells me. Good luck and God Bless.

L.,

I agree with other posters that at this time you need to work with some professionals - not only for your children individually but potentially for your family as well. I would encourage you to enlist the advica and professional guidance from folks like counselors, therapists, pediatricians, psychologists, psychiatrists, school guidance, etc.

You may also want to learn more about CHADD, the national non-profit organization for Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. I actually coorinate CHADD's Northern Virginia Chapter, and I'm more than happy to give you referrals for folks in the area that could be of assistance. Along with parent support groups in the area, we also have monthly meetings.

All the best,

A. Dolin, M.Ed.
Educational Connections
www.ectutoring.com
www.anndolin.com

Hi L.!
Wow, you've got your hands full. My son had ADHD also but not to the extreme. Meds messed him up, they made him sick. My thought is to try to get at least one part of life in order, whether it's school or home. Either one, you still need help & support. Every school has a program for kids with this problem. There are teachers, counselors, etc. that will meet with you all at once to try to get some kind of order started. These people specialize in kids with ADD & ADHD. It's also good for all the teachers to know, because then they know your son isn't a punk trying to get away with whatever he can, there really is a chemical malfunction. At my son's school they called these meetings "TEAM" meetings. It embarassed my son at first but it really did help with his grades. He has since graduated (20 in May), is going to Plumbers & Steamfitters School two nights a week, makes $16.00 an hour & has benefits. Home is alot tougher, unless you have support. But if one part of life falls into place, then the other might follow. I know consistency is a must.
Take care of yourself or you won't be any good to your kids.
If you need to vent, just e-mail me.
Good luck!!!

I feel for you...I watched my sister in law go through the same w/ her ADD son. He finally "snapped" and got into a physical fight w/ dad; the police got involved and he went to Juvenile, but was transferred to a kind of half way house for teens w/ disorders. The good news is he is now properly diagnosed and made changes to get calmed down. The bad news is because the police/judge were involved , he cannot go home, even though he's ready, because there are younger children at home and the judge deemed him "risky".
My point in telling you this is first, there is hope...there's been an amazing change in this boys' life and behavior. And secondly, don't wait or hesitate to do something drastic to intervene now, before he really gets himself into trouble or hurts someone or himself. My sister in laws son went from kicking walls to destroying the entire home and attacking adults...he lost it because the help was too little too late....so do whatever it takes to get your son some help.Don't be afraid to check him into a hospital if you have to. And take care of you! If you are all used up, you cant be there for your sons, so find a way to take a break and relax.
Our prayers are with you,
L.

As an experienced teacher of teenagers, I can honestly say I know what you mean about the attitudes. My advice to you, besides 'consistency', is in three parts:
1. Monitor their diet. Absolutely no soda, juice cocktails (which have a very small % of 'juice', if any), chips, candy bars or pre-packaged foods in your house. Preservatives & additives or "fillers" are proven to affect both school performance & attitude/mood changes. I know you can't follow them around to make sure they don't eat junk, but you can start with the good example at home. And don't make a big deal about the change in their diet -- it will give them another reason to fight with you. Just do it subtly. Eliminating refined sugars (and red food coloring!) from their diet will be a great first step, particularly because he has ADHD.
2. Get him involved in a mentorship/volunteer program at a local youth center, hospital or nursing home. Having a focus on something besides himself will be a great help. Teenagers focus inwards, get caught up in themselves & their group of friends, and often need to be reminded that there are others around who are in a much worse off situation than themselves. This can be pitched to him as an excellent way to add something worthwhile to his resume, be it for college or work, that shows he's responsible, trustworthy & will give him the advantage over other applicants who do nothing. Work out a budget with him so he can see how much it costs just to 'exist'. If he wants to meet the basics, show him what kinds of jobs he should be striving for. If he wants to own a car, a house, go on vacations & have a family, show him how much it costs to do that and let him see the kinds of jobs he should be striving for by having him search the classifieds -- if he searches, he'll remember. Point him in the right direction ("find a job that pays x amount -- what skills are needed for that?"). Teens, because they're so self-focused, often don't see the big picture: education and skills will get you a better job, and therefore a better life. They're more concerned with looking 'cool' and impressing their friends at this age. It's important to make him aware of the big picture, without being preachy. I would also advise that he get a very part-time job to pay you back for the repairs you had to do to your house.
3. If you can afford it, trade in your computer for a laptop. That way, you can take it with you when you leave, if they are not allowed on it. This is something that will show them that YOU are in charge. You're the adult, you pay the bills, and you have the right to have the rules. Stay firm on that, and be consistent! It may seem like you're punishing both boys, but it's amazing how a bit of brotherly-peer-pressure can get one boy to keep the other in line. If the 13-year-old doesn't want to lose computer privileges, he may think twice about goading on the older one to do something to lose his.
Good luck!

Dearest L. ~

Don't give up. Patience. Sometimes when we get to the younger ones, we tend to lax up a bit(being exhausted from going through it all with the older ones). As my Mom always says, "This, too, shall pass". You don't have too much further to go. Hang in there! Keep up the discipline, hang tough, make them go to church & youth group (whether they want to or not) and keep reminding them that you love them and have faith in them. Boys are different. They won't seem to be as close to you, but you hold a special place in their heart forever.(They just have a harder time or different way of showing it). Make sure they are accountable for their actions. Make the oldest take his meds(even if you have to stand there and watch him swallow - I have to do this with my youngest). Reward the younger one if he rejects the bad actions of his older brother. Soon, the older will want the rewards too and start to turn around. Get yourself some Vitamin B Complex (time released) and Biotin. This will help with your hair loss and keep your immune system strong during this stressful time. I also take just a regular multivitamin along with the extra B&Biotin. I gotta hand it to ya. You gotta be one strong woman! My hat's off to ya!

Best Wishes!
~ K.

L.,
Your child was diagnosed 12 years ago with this. There have been some changes in how we respond to ADHD. You may want to try a change in your sons diet. YES! Diet. Now doctors are saying a gluten-free, dairy free diet can help a lot with behavior/mood. Before you go seeking expensive treatment that you may not be able to afford, you may want to try this first. It is working! Try for 2 weeks to a month on a strict gluten-free/dairy free diet and if you do not see a change, then seek the expensive professionals. I don't know about you, I'd rather try something more natural than something that is going to put my child in a comatose state!
Also, you may have your child tested to make sure there is not a food allergy anyway. My son is allergic to soy and is extremely aggressive when he eats it. Also cannot concentrate. Iw ish you the best and I hope we (moms) have been helpful to you!
A.

ADD has been studied and treated successfully with nutrition and behavior modification. Processed foods, artificial dyes and ingredients, bleached sugar all have adverse reactions on our brain. Also lack of EFA's and DHA found in fishoil and nuts, flax,seagreens, and beans. Are essential for the normal function of the brain. And lots of healthy stress reducing exercise, swimming, karate, yoga, and sports. Little to no tv and computer games. Seek out a good nutritionist and holistic doctor who can guide you to the effective changes and get a good support group for yourself. God Bless You, DD

You need some "me" time. Too much going on!!! As for the 13 and 14 year old boys. You have two optionS:

1. Place them away if they serioulsy have problems, at least the one that has been diagnosed. There is no way they would be breaking up my house.

2. Beat their ---!!!! And then, put them both away where there is no contact for the first few months. It may cost you alot, but how much more will it cost to repair your house or how much will it cost them to place you in a mental institution and then the streets will be their only alternative

You definitely should have a discussion with your sons' pediatrician, and ask for a referral to someone with expertise in ADHD and adolescent behavior. The older son's destructive behavior is very troubling...although thus far he's directed his anger at things, I would be concerned that eventually he would direct it at you or someone else. Given how out-of-control your son is, it may be that he needs to spend some time at an inpatient facility.

You also definitely need to seek support for yourself. Get counseling to help you cope with the stress. Find a suppport group of other parents who have faced similar problems. Ask your older children or your church friends for some respite care, so that the boys can be out of your hair for a few hours. This problem is not one ANYONE could manage on her own.

Good luck to you.

L.,
I'll pray for yuor family. Sound slike a super stressful situation for ya'll. I agree, have your older son retested, maybe he has other thing besides ADHD? Also talk to yuor Pastor o Assistant Pastor at church. Are the boys' father in their life? They need a male role model and the church should help you with that if it's an elder or maybe a youth minister??
Good Luck
Pammy

Have you considered therapy for him? Have you talked to the guidance office at their school? Are either of your sons in sports? Have you made them pay for the things they have broken? I would personally let the room go with holes for a while, but make him fix the walls in the common areas. I'd also take away anything they fight over or don't need. No computer, no game system, no phones.

Hello...
I would take your son back to the doctor and get him evaluated for other diagnosis. With ADD/ADHD there are other problems that come along...trust me, my son is ADHD and has other issues accompanied with the it. Sounds like he may have ODD (oppositional definace disorder)....be sure to bring this up with the doc.
Good luck!

Everyone seems to have the same thoughts and I agree. But I have not seen anyone ask so far, if you have sat down and talked to him when he is not in rage. In fact I would sit them both down seperately and explain to them how their behavior is effecting the whole family. See if either will open up to you. I agree with the counseling for your son, but in this area it could take you weeks to get into see on. YOU need to start speaking respectful to one another. AND LISTEN. If yelling starts someone needs to remove themselves until everyone can talk normal. Maybe he is angry. I have seen older kids destroy their parents homes before but typically this is something the parents let happen their whole lives and now that they are older its harder to correct. Being a single mom is hard, and I think SM tend to be easier on the children due to guilt of always being the bad guy, you see it all the time... the last of the kids are the most rotten.We get tired of fighting. Again. communicate and explain to them changes need to be made, maybe they would even give you some tips on how they can help control the anger.

L., age 13 begins the time that is sometimes referred to as "testosterone poisoning" time. Not real poisoning, but the hormones are starting to flood the boy's systems and they become more easily angered and more impulsive. Add in the ADHD, and it's very difficult time for the boy to control all those strong emotions that swing back and forth. Girls go through this time differently, less physically, but it is really the same problem, those hormones.

My suggestion is to find a good psychologist who specializes in teens and who is experienced with ADHD issues and get them and you some help with coping skills. This is going to be a hard time for you, but don't give up on your sons. This will pass in time. The important thing is for them to make it through school successfully and for your relationship with them to survive. I'll say some prayers for you and your sons.

I have a son that has some of the same problems. It sounds to me like there is more than just ADHD going on here. Have you considered have a psycological evaluation done to rule out bipolar disorder. If so maybe his meds are just making his disorder worse. You may need to have him hospitalized until they are able to find the right med for him. My son is very sensitive to some meds and they may work for a short time but then everything goes wrong and they have to change what he is taking. The best thing for you and your other son is put him in a hospital until his meds are right!

L., you've gotten alot of good advice here, not much else for me to say--just to reiterate that it sounds as if you need some extra outside help. Use whatever resources you can get through the school and look into family counseling. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Keep us posted.

Lots of good advice here, but let me reiterate those that I think are most worthwhile: Yes hormones are flooding boys' systems at this age, and meds can't fix that, because it's normal. The hormones produce a huge burst of nervous energy in boys, and it can come out as ADHD and anger, so getting rid of the excess energy is vital--which is what both are trying to do by punching walls, wrestling, and acting out. So, the advice about disciplined sports is right on the mark. You should find that behavior in school will improve, focus will be easier and homework and chores easier to assign when they're not fairly dancing with all that pent up energy.

Also, a strong and reliable father figure is VITAL. It is amazing how a boy willl respond to a MALE voice saying the exact same words a female voice has just said. They'll ignore the female and hop to comply with the male, whether it's a coach or a strong teacher, or any male who is steady and admirable to the boy. Perhaps someone at church if not a relative, or try a Boys' Club, if there's one near by. This mentoring is vital for both boys. And it will save your sanity and health to have the support and breather both by having them in sports and in the company of this mentor on a regular basis.

Finally, a re-evaluation of his meds, especially if he's been on the same medication since he was 2. Chances are he isn't really ADHD--lots of doctors seem to find it easier to throw this diagnosis and a med at a child than to really spend time with the child to get a thorough evaluation. Always get a 2nd opinion! At 2, a child is also growing at a tremendous rate, and if forced to be less active than he needs to be, will appear to be ADHD, when he's just experiencing this same burst of tremendous excess energy. It needs an outlet, like static electricity; it builds up until it sparks off.

As to the hair falling out, it may well be stress, but it may also be simple alopecia--the same sort of hair loss men experience more commonly. Try one of the hair loss products now on the market for women. A pharmacist should be able to recommend a reliable product.

And pray; God WILL give solace, grace, and strength, and loves you so much for trying hard to raise the boys he gave you.

Good luck to you, and let us know what happens!

It sounds like he is experiencing night terrors. You should consult his pediatrician about this. Hope this helps.

God Bless!

I work with a woman whose son was recently suspected of being ADHD. She really did not want to go the medication route. Several members of my family have had great success with dietary and life style changes in dealing with ADD and ADHD. This woman had read recently how bad soda is for everyone, but especially teens. It has been proven to contribute to ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc.
She cut all soda out of her's son's diet [told him he was most likely allergic to it...which also could be true] cut out chocolate and most other white sugar products. He also started going to bed 1/2 hour earlier. She noticed a real difference in his behavior and grade, alertness, etc. within one week.
I would also recommend googling "natural remedies" for ADHD. The nutrional componet is huge.

You sound like me. I have four children ages 30, 26, 9,and 8.
My third child is a boy with ADHD. He is on Strattera. Most of the time he is tolerable. But when he is in one of his moods, he does get violent. I believe that proper nutrition and sleep and play are necessary for him to be balanced. Also, fish oil (you can get it in capsule form) helps him not get agitated easily. My husband is in the Navy and is on a 7 month deployment right now. So we are both without father figures, which our sons need. If your son has an uncle or someone from the church that could take some time with him. Maybe doing a work project or playing basketball or games, it might help fill that need for a male figure. Or if your husband is still involved and is a good role model that would be helpful. Boy scouts, taekwondo, or sports are also good activities for ADHD children. It is so important when our ADHD sons are having an episode is to remain calm.(Which is the last thing we want to do). The less talking is better. You just have to love them more. Their brain is different and you have to think like them. 13 and 14 are difficult ages as it is, but when there is a special need , it is compounded. There are many Christian pyschologists that can help, also. Also, their pediatrician may need to prescribe a different medication. School counselors and teachers can help,too. Go to them for help and suggestions. You are not in this alone.

L., your instincts are correct that this isn't just the "age" for your son's behavior.

ADHD children get double-whammy's in their teens. They're dealing with both natural adolescent changes and angst as well as their condition. It is a very hard time for them and for parents, and you need to muster all your reserves to help your child through this period.

My first comment to you regards special education services or "504" plans. If your child is diagnosed as ADHD, AND is not meeting the academic benchmarks in school due to his ADHD condition, then you should request a meeting with your school's Local Screening Committee (That's what it's called in Virginia; there may be another name for it in the District or Maryland). Your son may qualify for additional help or accommodations in school. Start by talking with your school's Principal. A simple phone call will do to get the ball rolling. You will have to request the meeting.

Second, I recommend that you read a book by Ross Green. I believe the one I read was The Oppositional Child, but may have the word "Defiant" in it, too. It is an excellent book to help out of control children of all ages--a very pragmatic and logical approach. You could also Google "Oppositional Child" as I just did after reading your note, and you will find many references. I imagine you've had many conversations with school personnel about your son's problems, but if not you should contact the counselor and your son's teachers to see if you can come up with a home-school plan that your son will buy into, in addition to anything you set up with the Local Screening committee.

I wish you luck and strength and commend you for looking for some answers.

Hi L.,

You need professional help. This behavior has gone on for too long to progress to this.

I would recommend that you call a Neuro Psychologist around where you live.

Call your local School Board and find out who is in charge of Parent Education in the Special Education Department.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

You probably want to have your oldest son re-tested for something other than ADHD. From how you describe his outbursts, he may have anger management issues. If he could be labeled as ED, then school would be able to provide services for him as well.