Help with Son's Behavior

Try reading the book 'Positive Discipline'. I am only half way through it, but it is helping tremendously with the same issues you are having. My daughter has made an improvement in the past 6 days. You can find the book on AMAZON.COM real cheap. When he throws a fit, do the unexpected. Laugh at him and walk away. He will probably follow you, so laugh at him again and walk away. Also, give him two choices for everything so he thinks that he is making a decision, and it's not you just telling him what to do. For instance, my daughter didn't want to eat her dinner. So I told her she didn't have to, but the consequence would be that she would not get a snack later. So later when she asked for a snack, I calmly reminded her that she CHOSE not to eat her dinner, and that I was very sorry, but she would have to wait until breakfast to eat. Since then she has been eating her dinner.
Get the book. It really is helping.

Hi,

I know that it is hard to be away from him that long. It is hard on him too. He is probably pretty tired after his long day (just like you, I bet!) I would try and be patient, but firm about how you expect him to behave. He might also just miss spending time with you. I would try to set aside some one-on-one time with him. Maybe plan something together so he knows it is coming up. That might give him something to look forward to and redirect his emotion toward something positive.

Good luck!

M. H.

Wow!! 9-5 for a little one. Does he get down time or a form of nap time? OR maybe he feels that you have left him. I have worked in daycare settings and have seen childern act out when there parents leave and come to get them.

Try to sit down and Talk to him? See if it is a nap thing? Maybe he might just feel like you don;t love anymore.

My children use to say that they hated me and it would break my heart. Since then we have worked threw it. Just kept letting them know that i love them and that i will always be there for them.

The only way that I can relate to this is that my kids have horrible behavior when they come back from their grandmother's house. And, it's hard when you don't know what all has happened while you've been away. Is it possible that there is a kid at his school who hits and the teachers have to pay a lot of attention to that child? Are you and your husband playing with him when he hits you or doing other things that don't involve him? I've found that when my kids come home, it's important for me to spend a little one-on-one (or -two) time with them so that they know that I missed them. I can play a little game or something that gets them involved in playing by themselves and then I can go about doing my stuff.

I would definitely get down beside him and let him know that being angry does not help him get what he wants. He is old enough to express what he wants calmly. And he should understand that he will only get what he wants if he can use (we call it) his sweet voice.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all! I am a SAHM, and I still send my son to pre-school. Think of all the crafts and play things that they have that he wouldn't get at your house. And friends. Plus, it gives you a little sanity time. Every mom needs that time - even if you only do laundry during it.

I hope this helps.
~A.

Dear Jenn,

I have two sons in Heaven already too; very painful losses but Heaven gives us the hope of reuniting. I am also mom to a micro preemie (birth weight of 1 pound 15 ounces; came home at 3 and a half pounds).

I want to ask you about your little boy's language skills. Is he able to express feelings in words or are behaviors his primary emotional outlet?

As awful as it feels to you, the fact that his behaviors deteriorate and all the negative emotions come out against you and your husband tells me that he feels safe with you and that he knows you are going to still love him no matter what. It also says that he understands appropriate social behavior and is able to hold it together in public - both of these things can give you hope and encouragement.

It seems like he might need something to transition. This is hard for lots of children; but more so for children who have added challenges.

With the limited informaiton you have shared my suggestions should be taken as limited too; but this is where I would suggest that you begin: Using words, art, music (or other things that he might enjoy like playing a sport, catching a ball) but that he could do with you and your husband which could be used as opportunities to show him appropriate ways to express how he is feeling other than melting down. If you think that he needs quiet, no pressure down time, being able to draw, finger paint (which can also be done with shaving cream, peanut butter, jello, sand...), model with clay, play an instrument (my little ones with anger issues love the drums).

My preemie (now 11) needs down time when she has been under pressure to perform or hold together and she retreats to reading. He might enjoy knowing that he has time to read a good book that he would enjoy or be read to for now but that will help him transition from school to home.

You may have to experiment to find out what he needs and it might be the same every day or it might change. It could be that being read to every day with special attention from you and/or daddy will be a ticket to that transition occurring smoothly or he might enjoy variety -- Mondays are reading; Tuesdays are painting; Wednesdays are playing catch; or he might do better choosing one of several activities.

This is only a start but I hope that it helps.

Warm regards,
S.

You say he was very fragile, preemie with a whole list of issues, developmental, and physical. Does he receive any type of therapy? He could probably benefit from therapy. My kids have been receiving therapy since around the time they were born(they are now 5 1/2 and 4). My one was born premature and my other was born full term but both were born with a slew of issues. Both go to preschool but are receiving their therapy at preschool. Or if you have medical assistance you could look into a TSS (theraputic Staff Support person). They will come out and work in the school and in the community with your child. I havent gone this route since they are getting help at school. Hope this helps!

My son who is going to be 5 in April has similar problems. He will melt down when he gets home. He will hit his sister and scream and throw tantrums. My son has autistic characteristics and we are working with our IU (intermediate unit) and his preschool. They say this is normal behavior for children within the autism spectrum. My son does well in school most of the time (he occasionally has a bad day there)and I could not figure out what the problem was until we took him to the IU and they say he is socially delayed and though he needs the socialization that preschool gives him it takes alot out of him to hold it together all day long. When he is tired then he cant keep it together. I would contact your pediatrician and the local IU. The IU can screen him and it is free, they look at all aspects of his life not just school. I hope this helps a little. Good luck

YOu may already thought of this, but maybe he's just tired. have you tried putting him to bed earlier for about a week and seeing if that helps? My daughter is in daycare 3 days a week and by the end of the week, she's a tired mess. Try half hour earlier bedtime for a week. GOod luck.

Jenn...this may sound overly simple, but could he be tired from the new schedule? My older son started full day preschool at 3 - it was a long day for him and I do remember having to adjust bedtime and "down time" when he got home because he was just kind of "done."

That said, it might also be possible that he is overstimulated by the non-stop day at school and might need some help releasing some of whatever has built up over the course of the day. You mentioned he was a preemie - my younger son has severe sensory processing issues...although he was not a preemie, I know that they are very common in preemies (it is always the first thing people ask me when they hear about his SPD). He is in school now and at the end of the day, he is just spent and many days I have to let him kind of decompress. For the most part he does great holding it together in school but that's as far as he can make it - my older son was (and still is in some ways) very much the same - always great behaviorally in school, but couldn't keep it in once he had a safe haven (home).

I just wonder if it might help to have him do something calming like blowing bubbles, using something like a weighted lap pad or smushing in pillows to release some of the "stuff" that builds up when they have to be "on" all day long.

My older son (now 12) would also come across as angry when he was overstimulated or overly anxious...he would hit out, not as much aggressively as just as though he physically wanted to get whatever was stuck inside him out. I'm not sure that really makes sense now that I'm putting it in writing...but it was like his capacity for holding his emotions inside was maxed out and he was kind of ready to burst and it came across as angry and aggressive. If I had known then what I have learned since my younger son was diagnosed with SPD, we might have been able to handle some of that differently as a lot of the deep pressure and input techniques seem to help calm down all of our kids.

Good luck - it is so hard to love them so much and to watch them be so frustrated.

The reason why children usually act this way is because of 2 things. They miss you so much and want to be with you so much that it turns in to anger. For children that young it's hard for them to express themselves verbally. Sounds weird but, it's true. The other reason is that he could be tired (and it's to late to take a nap) and we all know that when we're tired we're cranky.

When you pick him up and driving home ask him what he would like to do with you (for 15-20 minutes) and do it. Or ask him to pick his favorite book for you to read to him. Maybe, it will work. Who knows!

Good Luck!

My first child was the same way after preschool at that age. He was also a preemie, born six weeks early. I believe your son is wound up from the activity at school and it is difficult for him to transition to the calmness and quiet of being at home. I've heard it said that the true test of your child's behavior is how he acts in public - like at school. If he is behaving there, it is a good thing. Children, just like adults, need a place where they can unwind and express their feelings after a long day. Perhaps there's a quiet activity he could do by himself when he gets home - like a puzzle or coloring while you're busy making dinner, so that he has some time to collect himself.

For starters, my guess is that he's tired when he comes home. When one of our girls was older, in kindergarten, we noticed that when we picked them up at daycare they really acted out, at least until after supper. the babysitter at the time was one we dispensed quickly, but I remember she would always say, "She doesn't act like that here, because I don't allow it." The reality was that she didn't act like that at home, either.

I got the idea that she concentrated on being "good" until we got there. Then she simply let down. We hated it, but we began to realize the daycare setting wasn't good and we moved her to a better situation.

Your son is younger, and he's in preschool all day. That's a long day for a 3 year old. Why don't you try bringing him a healthy snack to eat in the car on the way home, and I'm sure you are already giving him big hugs when you arrive. Be sure to tell him you love him, esp because he does act out when you arrive.

I don't know what else he might be feeling, but my hunch as a mom of 4 is that kids act out when they are trying to express their needs. He puts up with being a member of the group all day long, and he probably wants undivided attention from Mom and Dad, cuz he's "earned it" all day at preschool. Plus, it's the end of working days for you two, so you are tired, too.

I used to try to figure out what might be going on in my kids' brains, and rightly or wrongly, I would ask them if "this was bothering them?" The risk is that you may be wrong, and they may simply agree. But if you are intuitive, and right, you are helping them to verbalize something, and communicate more appropriately about it, so they learn to use words rather than innappropriate behavior. I figued the benefit outweighed the risk. When he hits you, you can ask, "Are you upset with Mommy?" Or, "Is something bothering you?" See if you can find out what is on his mind that he can't express in words.

If you simply discipline the behavior, you aren't getting to the problem. If you end up barking up the wrong tree, well, at least he's learning that you care enough to dig below the surface.

But I'm willing to bet it's got to do with energy level and exhaustion. A snack on the way home, then supper, and early to bed are my best recommendations. You might want to ask about naptime at pre-school -- does he fall asleep? Do they wake him up when the other kids wake up, or do they let them sleep the rest of the afternoon? My youngest went to all-day kindergarten, which was new to our school district that year. I wish she'd only done 1/2 days because she hated being away from her toys at home all day. But I remember the teacher telling us that they had a nap time, or rest period, and if the children fell asleep, they didn't wake them up. The children who were awake went on to other activities in the classroom, and those who needed the sleep, simply slept through those activities. I would think this would be even more important at age 3.

Good luck. Children go through stages at which their needs and behaviors change, and we, as parents have to guess our way through it and do the best we can. The best we can do is give them a safety zone in which to operate, lots of love, and to give them the freedom to grow - which is a balancing act throughout the maturational process.

I hear lots of love in your request, and I'm sure you guys will do a good job, even if it's difficult right now. there's a country song out there, that says, "You're gonna miss this," and believe it or not, one day you will, parental trauma and all. My oldest is 27, and the youngest is 12. We miss the days you are going through, while we are really excited about what our kids have become and are becoming. Parenting is tough, but it is also exciting, and I'm prouder of parenting than I am of any of the jobs I have held over the years.

:-)

Barb
____@____.com

Hi J.,

I know excetaly what you are going though my daughter is the same way she attendes preschool to and she acts the same way as your son does. I tryed everything in the book to help her settel down after school and nothing seams to work. If I find out any tricks to reaval the after school blues is what I call them I will deff let you know. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one going through this I go thourgh it with her everyday after school! I wish you luck.
Sorry I did not have anything for this one. I just want to let you know that you are not alone on this one.

A.

Hi, I am M. and I wonder if your son just needs some special time with Mom (if you have it) to cuddle and snuggle. If he is with other children all day, he probably misses you and Dad and needs to feel like you have not deserted him. Usually, hugs will fix a lot of stuff!!

Hi J.,
It seems as though your son has picked up on your feelings of guilt and is using that against you.
My advice would be to try not to feel guilty about sending him to preschool. The teacher said he is doing excellent while he's there....so it seems to be good for him.
Also, just remember to be consistent with your discipline with him when he hits you and misbehaves at home. You may want to talk to the teacher about what discipline methods they use at school....it might work at home, as well.
Also, I agree wholeheartedly with the other posts suggesting perhaps his day is too long and he's just tired. I would try a nap and perhaps an earlier bedtime.
Best of luck to you.

Perhaps he is hungry/tired? My 4 year old daughter is in school for the first time as well and some days you cannot get near her when she is picked up. She is happy at the door and by the time we get to the car she is moody and runs from me. Those days I just give her space and do not ask what she did on the way home. Usually after lunch there is an improvement in attitude, but if not I make her lay down. She will sleep or rest; I never pressure her to do either. She definitely feels better for having the down time. Of course, there are days when the attitude stays. I just let her know that she can sit in her room and is welcome to come out when she can behave. At some point, you just have to put your foot down and let them know who the adult is.

I have known an extreme preemie and the parents did find it hard to be firm, but in the end it is for the best, epecially if he is reserving this behaviour for you. In the same way every child knows you provide love and encouragement, they will know that when you set down rules. They crave boundaries and guidance. Do not be afraid to let him know that his attitude at home is unacceptable and let there be known consequences. My daughter loses certain toys, painting time, and (worst of all) family participation. More than anything, she hates it when I remove her from the rest of our family. It has been slow going and always takes time to reestablish our routines after holidays, but it is worth the effort. We also have a simmer down chair that she sits in when she needs to take a moment and realise how she has been beahving. Sounds hokey, I know, but it works. Good luck and breathe. This takes patience.

~Routhie

Maybe he's just tired after school. That's a long day for him. Maybe give him a half hour or so to decompress after pre-school? Good luck to you!

It may be a true behavior problem or it could be something a little more simple. Check with his preschool about two different things: his sleep schedule (if he naps at school) and his food schedule (when does he have his last snack before you pick him up). My children all get grumpy, whiny and angry when they are overly tired or hungry. I know that even I have problems with my anger and grumpy levels whenever my sugar drops.

My suggestion is to bring a snack and drink with you (something quick and simple like a rice krispy treat, a small bag of carrots, a box of raisins, or some crackers accompany it with a juice box or koolaid) when you pick your son up for him to snack on while you are on your way home. See if the quick sugar/carb boost improves his mood. Make it a small snack that will raise his sugar levels but not affect his appetite for his dinner.

If it is a lack of sleep, you might want to try to move his bedtime back half an hour to see if it makes a difference.

It might not be either. But it is definitely worth trying these suggestions before you look into other behavior modification. I know for me when my sugar levels are low, I have a hard time not being grumpy or angry until I get them boosted back up. I also know that with my 8 year old daughter, I find she is sociable and pleasant all day at school but when I pick her up she turns into a grumpy whiner until she gets a quick snack. It doesn't affect her dinner but it does wonders for her mood.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

When you say "My son will be 4 in June, he is in preschool every day from 9-5PM" do you mean preschool or daycare? Because that's a long time for a 4 year old to be in a school setting and I imagine he' might be unhappy with so much structure for so long. He might miss you terribly (because of the obvious closeness you had to have developed with his problems)but when you're 4 you're not sophisticated enough to know how to respond to that. He sounds tired and unhappy.

What you describe is exactly what was happening to our four year old. Fine most of the day, then around 4/5pm, crying at everything and getting frustrated to the point of anger with everything he was asked to do. I was at my wit's end!

One day, about two months ago, he fell asleep at the dinner table after one of these fits. I realized that his day was too much for him without a nap. Since then, I put him in for a nap at 2pm for one hour - and he is a DIFFERENT kid around dinner time. Pleasant, kind, able to articulate thoughts, etc.

Do the children have nap/rest time at preschool?

Maybe when he gets home from preschool, you could have him lay down for 30 minutes before his dad comes home. Focus on being calm when he comes home. Prepare a soothing atmosphere - help him put away his things, have some soothing music on, have his bed ready for him, etc.

Or, maybe you could do a half-day preschool instead? Eight hours of stimulation might be too much for him without a break.

He's perfectly fine all day - from what you describe, it does NOT sound like there is an underlying medical condition that requires therapy or medical intervention.

It just sounds like the little guy is tuckered out.

It sounds like your son may be angry that you are putting him in day care all day. I was a nanny and I worked in a day care while attending college. I use to see this A LOT. The kids were very well behaved for me but when their parents came to get them the would totally act out. Can you stay home or work part time? That might help. Good luck!

Dear J.,
Your son is trying to tell you he is exhausted. He is wiped out and dead tired from behaving so well ALL DAY in school ( it's a hard job!)and when he finally gets home to familiar territory he feels he can let his hair down and release all his frustration. 9 to 5 is a LONG TIME for a 3 1/2 year old. Unless he is napping ( spelled SLEEP)for a few hours during school, he needs to rest at home. How about a short nap before supper? He will resist because he is afraid he will miss something with Mom and Dad, but your job is to make sure he is rested. And no guilt trips from you about preschool! It's his job to test your limits and your job to set and enforce them. Someday he will thank you!

Dottie
Mom of 5 .. and the evil grandma who makes kids take naps. Funny, they still keep coming back!

Ok first of all is he in preschool or daycare... there is a difference and being there 8 hours a day is an awful long time for such a young child. He's not even four yet and this is a new situation for him... his reaction is completely normal but his feelings need to be addressed more so than the behaviors. Address the feelings (the SOURCE of the problem) and the behaviors will heal.
I would look into getting him some GOOD emotional therepy. Something is definately going on with this little one and to me it sounds like he isnt ready to be so separated from you.
Try to find alternative daycare for him... maybe a grandparent or favorite family member or friend for half the day...at any rate he is feeling abandon and is lashing out because he doesnt know how to communicate his feelings.
I would find an alternate situation for at least half the day.

my son didnt have the anger issues but he was definitly acting out at school. one thing that i have found to work is keeping in close contact with teachers (we are now in 2nd grade) and making sure that he knows whatever he does i WILL find out and he has to face punishment.
i start by having a talk with the teachers as close to the beginning of the year as i can and i give them a notebook. he will get a report for morning and afternoon.
if he gets smiley faces for both then he gets rewarded at home and praised. if he gets frowny faces, he is limited to fun activities like his video games (which i only gave into just this year) or losing his tv time. and this year we had a particular bad week so instead of having a "kid party" i told him he was only having a family birthday party. the more they know your going to find out about, the less they seem to act out. the key with him was the follow through. at first i wanted to believe he was having a bad day or something was wrong to give him the benifit of the doubt. but then he was aware of getting away with it. so i have to stick to it and he is doing wonderful!

Hi J.,
I am sorry to tell you this but it seems that your son does not know that you and your husband are in charge. There is no reason why your son should be hitting you and your husband. You may think that I am harsh in saying this but I am a firm believer in spanking when children are disobedient and disrespectful. The older your son becomes, the harder it will be for you to disipline him. You will be sorry later on in life if you are not able to control him now. I have 6 children of my own so I understand the little attitudes and tantrums that children can have but a little spanking goes a long way.
W.