So I am having some problems with my son. Wondering if this in normal for almost 4 year old boy or something more. He has his 4 year check up next month and I plan to speak to the doc then. Until then I thought I would see what others had to say.
Here are some of the issues I have. My son is very hyper at times, his impulse control is out of control at times, when he doesn’t get his way he will turn into a little monster and start hitting, kicking and screaming.
He is very smart and has an excellent vocabulary. The problem is when he gets this out of control he is so upset that he can't even hear what you are trying to say. He gets put into time out until he is calm again and not crying. Once he is this way I will talk to him about what happen and why he hit. He will usually respond that he doesn't know or he will tell me I hit you because you didn’t give me what I wanted. Then I explain that he can't always get his way.
The hardest part is he doesn’t always act this way. It is usually only once every few days. Other days he doesn't have out of control issues but he is has always been loud and has a difficult time with being patient. Sometimes his impulse control is pretty short. He doesn’t always think before he acts.
He doesn’t really have any problems with paying attention he can follow directions really well. He loves to sit and read, do puzzles, and he plays alone and with others pretty well.
So what is your take on my situation?
Thanks
Tina
You can breathe a sigh of relief it's not ADHD. If he was hyperactive ALL the time, showing impulse control problems ALL the time and having attention issues, those would be big red flags. But ADHD is 24/7. There is no relief from the bad/out of control behavior until the condition is treated.
It's worth mentioning it to the doctor anyway. At the very least, you'll get some strategies for dealing with the difficult times.
Sounds totally normal to me too, but you may be able to help him by determining his triggers. Does this happen when he's overtired? Hungry? Having difficulty with a transition from activities? When mom or dad haven't been paying as much attention as usual? When he's had sugar recently? Or after he's had artificial colors? There's research out there that any of the above can cause behavior problems for some children. My brother was hyper at times and had tantrums until my parents took all artificial colors and sugar (juice was the big culprit) out of his diet.
That sounds totally normal to me. With my guys I've found that if I neglect their large-motor play their behavior suffers. Try to make sure to get some climbing, running, jumping or swimming in every day and see if that helps.
He sounds pretty typical to me--but I'm no expert! Nor are many here...
BUT I agree with the large motor workouts--a 4 year old has GOT to get his ya-ya's OUT on a regular basis! Is there a pattern there, maybe?
sounds like an active boy..i started doing the "hug it out" thing w/ my son when he was about 1 or 2..it really helps..makes them more loving..if he throws a fit about something i don't time him out..i just ask.."do u need a hug?" it takes a while but once you start doing that..u can end tantrums fast..and then u explain that its your job to take care of him..and some things aren't good for him..like if eating candy were good for you..i'd let u eat it all the time..
my son is 5..still a bit wild at times..now i do the count down.. 5 ..4..3..2...1..
and he'll do what i ask b/c if he does so before i'm done..he's the winner..
he also goes to Kids Klub in Pasadena..a great preschool..it totally changed our lives..and he only goes 2 x's a week..1/2 days..this will be his last 2 months..but i feel that school really help get him more on track..what i couldn't do they did..i sometimes hang out in class a bit and learn how to communicate w/ my son better by listening to the teacher..
if your son isn't in a preschool yet i would highly recommend one..especially Kid's Klub..good luck!
D.
He sounds like a 4 year old. Four year olds (and many adults) lack/are learning impulse control. He needs tools to help himself before he is out of control (once he is that upset the teaching moment is past until he calms down). Tools include language - teach him to say he is mad and why and physical ways of diffusing his anger (hitting a pillow, stamping his feet, jumping up and down, counting to 10 while holding his breath - it doesn't really matter what if it works for him and you).
DS (currently 5-/12) still often does not think before he acts or speaks (neither do many adults). I will often give him the benefit of a 'do over'. It helps if I can see a problem coming before it escalates. So when he says, I will hit you if I can't have ice cream', I say 'would you like to try that again?'. By age 3-1/2 that usually worked. Because really he doesn't want to be mad or hit me, he just wants ice cream. I also try to be sympathetic if he is not going to get what he wants rather than punitive (after all who would not want ice cream every day).
And I know every will say it but getting enough sleep and not being hungry make a BIG difference for many children (and adults).
I think it's completely normal. It sounds like he's learning to be a "big kid" and sometimes due to being tired or learning to not always get their way, they don't like what we have to say. Although he's tantruming I think it's normal for his age and you're handling it great.
As far as the volume, as much as I hate to say it, I think that's normal too. We work VERY HARD to teach our kids "inside voices" and will not acknowledge them until they can speak in a reasonable tone. I think part of it is excitability and/or attention seeking behavior.
Impulse control is a learned behavior and comes with maturity. He's just growing out of toddler-dome and entering an age where he moreso needs to learn patience and impulse control. When he does something like bolts into a parking lot coming from the grocery store, put him in the child seat the next couple of visits and say, "I can't trust you to stay next to me." Treat him like he's acting, not like you'll hope he'll act. Once he gets treated "like a baby" enough, he'll learn it's not fun to act up.
At this age they KNOW they can have a say - so they holler, hit, tantrum, etc. to get their way.
The best ways I've found to handle this is to 1) make sure they're getting enough sleep and don't push it at festivals, etc unless you want a "monster" that night or the next day. 2) Make them use nice words and inside voices. 3) Try to save true punishments like timeouts and such for INTENTIONALLY hurting, hitting, etc. Otherwise remind them to use nice words, inside voices and to be patient. Do not give them attention for bad behavior.
My GUESS is he is behaving this way when he doesnt get 12 hrs of sleep. As Everly said you need to try to figure out his triggers. keep a record and look at his sleep, eating and exercising patterns for that time period. my son is also "different" when he knows Dad is going out of town,once Dad is gone he's fine and old enough to count the days till Dad comes back, is there something about his time with mom and dad that changes? As others said ADHD does not come and go, so that's one less thing to worry about. Also read Dr. Karps (Happiest Toddler on the Block) advice on helping him understand his moods and knowing what he can do to express frustration, anger, etc.
I agree that it sounds pretty normal. Does he does this more when he's tired or had an overstimulating day the day before or something like that? I would suggest going to the pool as much as possible. It is the biggest energy suck on the planet! The kids can't stop moving in the water and between movement and sun, they are wiped out at the day's end! I take my kids' pajamas, we shower before we leave, then come home and eat dinner and go to bed!!
When my son wants to hit me or (usually) his younger sister - I tell him to hit the couch pillow with all his mighty force and do it with him - it's usually gets a laugh and then switch the activity super quick - like start building a whole new town out of blocks and show him his fav cartoon for 10 min.
Again check food, water, sleep, etc.
Sounds like my 3 3/4 yr old son everyday!! But yes, your son sounds like a perfectly normal 3-4 yr old boy. Sorry. That darn impulse control thing is their undoing. There's a book titled "Raising Your Spirited Child" that might be helpful. But you might also want to make sure your son isn't over tired, over sugared, over stimulated when he's acting out. I do notice that with my son.
What has helped me and my son is to anticipate over stimulated times, plan for down time and establish daily patterns and activities so that my son knows what to expect. Every morning we talk about what he's going to do that day and every evening about what's going on the next day. He attends a M-F preschool. Also, what has helped is giving him choices what to do (instead of suddenly saying, "it's bath time, get in the bath" when he's just pulled out his cars, I say, "in 5 minutes, it's bath time, do you want a bubble bath or a shower?"
Hope this isn't too concise...gotta pick him up from school now!
Can you determine if at the times he does get that upset, is he over-tired or over-hungry? My daughter can get that way sometimes too, but it's almost always when she is hungry, over-tired, or both.
Their impulse control and ability of cope with disappointment at this age is still developing - my daughter is the same age and she's getting better, but I also know if she is over-tired, a lot of her self-control just flies out the window. Does he go to preschool or is he in any situations where he needs to listen and take directions from another adult, like day care? How is he with them? Because I know my daughter will always give me way harder time about stuff than she will anyone else - frustrating and exhausting, for sure, but also a good thing. I'd rather have her be like that than the other way around.
It really sounds pretty normal for his age - if he was 6 and acting this way, I'd say you probably would need some help. Just keep being firm and consistent with the consequences and make sure he's not getting any kind of attention (even negative attention is still attention!) for his outbursts. I always tell my daughter it's okay to feel sad or angry, but it's not okay to scream at people. If she gets really worked up, sometimes I have to have her take a time-out in her room alone until she can calm down and decide to act nice. If it's close to bedtime and I know she's over-tired, sometimes we just have to get her into bed a little early. Or if she's hungry, a quick snack if it's going to be a while before lunch or dinner. I agree with the others who have said to make sure he is getting enough exercise - my daughter is high-energy and needs outdoor play and the chance to run around on a daily basis. If we can do a trip to the local waterpark with the kid's pool, that wears her out good!
Good luck, I know it's not easy!
I think it's a good sign that he has moments where he is perfectly fine; he sounds like a normal 3 1/2 year old boy. With my son, I noticed that he usually has meltdowns when he's hungry. That is a big issue for him, because sometimes he's so busy playing he doesn't realize he is hungry, and then he has a meltdown and I make that connection. I usually make sure to offer him a snack every two hours when it's not mealtime, and that helped a lot. Also, my son is a little sensitive to sugar, so if he's had a lot I notice he crashes hours later (like on birthdays or special occasions where I don't limit it like usual). My best advice is to try and see if there are factors like being hungry or tired or overstimulated and see if there is a pattern. Good luck!
He's normal to me.... I have always found my boys to be a little more hyper than my daughter. They have their fits when they don't get their way, pushing boundaries (which that doesn't ever stop). My daughter could play by herself for hours, my boys never could, they go strong until they crash. My oldest is 14 now, my youngest is 4.5. About 1-2 hours before they go to bed, they are so active, I just tell myself one more hour, then their heads hit the pillow and they are gone...
If he is not over tired you need to look at what he is eating. My son is 4 almost 5 and can be this way as well. We have taken gluten out of his diet along with food coloring and the changes have been great. We have had the food coloring out for over a year but the gluten is new for us to take out. Look up gluten tantrums and see if he fits the signs. It takes gluten a day to get into your system (next day freak outs) and up to two weeks for it all to get out (melt downs that you can't pin down cause). My son had spelt pancakes and cried for 40 minutes the next day and couldn't stop. Keep a food journal and see if food could be a trigger.
Okay: I have a 4 year old boy.
To me: Your son sounds over-tired.
When my son is over-tired.... he gets "hyper" and fussy and turns into a fussy Troll.
My son, naps every afternoon. He needs it. He will even tell me sometimes
"I'm tired, I want to nap."
When a child is over-tired, they get, less tolerance and less patience and get more fussy and 'defiant' because they cannot control, their over-tiredness nor their biological cues. For needing sleep.
And yes, their impulse-control, gets less, too.
Kids this age, if not taught, do not have the natural ability to express themselves nor to say how they feel. Nor know, how they feel.
So you have to teach them.
And teach them, "coping-skills" and how to communicate to you, when they are feeling grumpy or tired.
My son does. He WILL tell me.
And then we both, as a "Team", help him.
Kids will also act this way, when hungry.
And when going through growth-spurts, they need to have adequate intake. Even if just a banana.
Your son sounds like an over-tired 4 year old.
all the best,
Susan
I highly recommend the book The Way of Boys, (Promoting the Social and Emotional Development of Young Boys) by Anthony Rao, Ph.D., it has really helped shed light on my 5 yr. old bundle of testosterone!!
Your son sounds like a bright, fun, active B-O-Y!
Yes. It should be the terrible threes. You pretty much just described my 3 year old to a tee. Took me 20 minutes to get him in his car seat the other day and that rarely happens. He is so strong! And brings back memories of what my 6 year old was like. just hold on, Mama, it gets better ;)
