Hi-- we just brought home our new daughter (we just adopted her) who is 10 months old. We're having some issues with our ds (who was previously so excited to have a baby sister, has asked for one, who's been so gentle with babies before) who has been used to LOTS of attention and having to share mommy. I had to go overseas for my daughter and I know he missed me a lot, and I made sure I called him every day, he had gifts to open each day and I made a recording of the songs I sing to him every night. I make sure to spend time with him, just him and me, and also include him a lot when I play with our daughter, he's helped me with diapers, food, etc. But he's being too aggressive with her, very loud and in her face, always needing to be right in the middle of things, and gets jealous. He is by nature, a super high energy, rough and tumble boy. We've tried talking to him, reassuring him, etc. I've tried encouraging him on certain things he can teach her as big brother, make a big deal if she's looking at him to say "see, you made her laugh!" "see, she's listening to you, you can talk to her!" and he responds "I want to be alone". We've had to resort to some time outs if he keeps breaking the rules (we've had them even before baby about using gentle hands, inside voice, listening to mom and dad the first time, etc.) and it's helped a little bit,as he thrives on structure and is testing limits so I know at some level he needs some security that we don't let everything slide, but I don't want to always do this as I think it would just make him more resentful of her.
But I also need to have undivided attention for my daughter as well. She's had multiple moves,is an older infant, and this transition to us has been pretty traumatic for her and her adjustment is hard. So I have to devote some attention to nurture her adjustment and bonding. I know what it took for my son, and it's work, and I already feel that dd is getting the shorter end of the stick because my time is divided. And I know that in time my son might ease up and I need to keep reassuring him and spend time with him, but it's gotten to the point where his need for constant attention is becoming detrimental to my new daughter (who is pretty easily frightened), who also really needs time and one on one attention from me.
Dh is helping a lot but goes back to work in a few days and ds goes to preschool twice per week but for the rest of the time he's at home, yikes!! Play dates aren't really an option as most kids around here are in day care full time.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Ds was also adopted at age 6 months, so he understands the process, etc.
Thank you all for your suggestions!
Just to clarify, when I said my son understands the process, I can see what that would be confusing. What I meant to say, is that he understands what being adopted means, as we've talked about adoption since he's been home, he has a lifebook, etc. and we spent a lot of time talking about this before his sister came home. One benefit from my trip overseas is that I was also able to meet his foster mother from 4 years ago and have video, pictures and a present from her-- so he knows the trip was not all about the baby. I would never expect him to get any of the other stuff that's not age appropriate for him to understand and that is a parenting issue, not a kids issue, if that makes sense? I'm a peds nurse and very big on doing things that are age/development appropriate, so I'm sorry if I miscommunicated! : )
I agree, it's a little different I think in our situation than bringing home a newborn in some respects (I'm not sure as I don't know what that's like, but at least a newborn sleeps a lot and you can strap them to you a bit easier vs. a 10 month old who is heavy and on the go): )but some things are the same in principle.
Many of you offered some wonderful resources and things to think about. Gave me a lot of good ideas. Unfortunately, finances won't allow us to put him in more preschool but we're going to see if we can swing one more day a week (between emergency dental work and paying off the adoption fees the budget is tight right now, and I'm trying to not have to return to work for a while-even though I worked at home it took up a lot of time and both kids need me now). He also is resisting school a bit because he thinks we're kind of dumping him off (he used to love going and he still likes it when he's there, we're just battling the wanting to go.). We play it up though and how he gets to go to school and the baby has to nap,how boring for us, she wishes she can go to school like he does, etc. This helps a bit. It was a good sign today as he wanted to take her with him.
I like the schedule suggestion too!
Today was better. He wanted to read a book to her and he did a great job-- we talked about how he can read to her whenever he wants to and he seemed to like that a bit.
I feel overwhelmed a bit at times, because it takes time to find playdates (which I need to and will do) and time is what I don't feel I have as it is, as I'm trying to meet his needs and my daughter's and how will I find time to make calls, where and when do I meet people, etc. I have about a 45 minute window in the morning and about an hour in the afternoon (when daughter naps) and that's it,and I need to spend time with my son during that time too. I also need to keep her life pretty quiet and low key right now (she's been home less than 2 weeks) and not drag her around everywhere. I keep feeling she's getting shorted from my time too, I guess it's inevitable. Evenings is my husband and I preparing dinner, getting kids bathed and to bed and trying to have a conversation . Sorry to whine, I'm just feeling bad that I'm not doing a good enough job sometimes and don't know how some people seem to do it all. I don't have help, as my family is out of state and all of our friends work. There aren't many SAHM's in our area compared to where we used to live, but maybe I have to work a little harder at trying to find some (when is the key). Is Alice from the Brady Bunch still alive? hee hee :)
We're well versed in attachment parenting, as we went through this with my son, which I guess makes me feel a little bit harder on myself in some ways because I know how important it is for my daughter's well being (and she had a harder start than my son)and yet, I know my son is having challenges too and his heart hurts, so the guilt is there. Then my husband needs me too. I know I'm doing my best and that's all I can do,, so I will just keep a positive outlook.
I know it will improve with time, everything is so new right now, and when my daughter is a little more regulated with eating and sleeping, it will improve (as we'll be getting more sleep too!). I tend to be hard on myself, I just love my family so much and I want the best for all of them.
Anyway, thank you all so much again for your support and encouragement and really great ideas. I plan to put them all to good use and I truly appreciate them! I'll keep you posted on how things are going! What an awesome network!
My son had a really hard time when I had another baby, but I discovered that if he was busy watching a cartoon he didn't notice or feel left out that I was cuddling with the baby.
it's just going to take time for everyone to adjust, there isn't a magic fix it. When the baby is sleeping, devote all that time to your son. Your house may be a mess for a while, so what? Getting invovled in a sport of some kind would be good. He'll get his energy out and then you have time with the baby while he is on the field. Karate is also good for learning discipline and how to focus aggression & energy.
Don't put the baby in daycare to be with your son, that kind of negates the whole thing. Can you get family or friend to come in and help out a little? They both can't have your undidived attention all the time and it's just working out ways for the balance. The bonding will happen over time for everyone. Be sure to focus on positive things he does.
Tell him it's Ok to want some alone time, everyone needs that. Is the baby into his stuff? Ask him about what he thinks would help-if he knows the baby has limits as well it will make the transition easier (ex-she can't go in his room). He might be seeing it as the baby gets to do whatever but he can't do this, this and that.
I just need to say that you sound like one incredible mom.
Happy Mother's Day.
JK
It's important that he socialises and gets time with other children at the age of 4 plus so I would have him in a good pre school 3 -5 mornings per week, at least, and make family and friends and play dates more a part of his life. I would say this if you 2 were alone, for developmental reasons and to get a wider view of the world and to help get better behaviour.
It's more pressing than ever that he have more 'outside the home' time, as you certainly need time with your new daughter - do NOT put her in day care, OMG that would be tragic!
Carry on as you are at home though and things will settle. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Do not be afraid of time out or any disciplines - that is what he needs (and the fact he doesn't like it, is the point of discipline). So, do not be concerned about whether he resents it. Set limits and keep them. Ignore remarks against the baby and do not take them to heart. It's still early days.
You can make it. You are doing a great thing!
I don't understand some things either - what are ds, dd and dh? I thought at first maybe you were referring to down syndrome, or daddy helper but as I read on, I got more confused. Please enlighten me if you get a free moment! thanks in advance!!!
Congratulations on your new baby! Your son sounds like a normal big brother. I don't think it would hurt for your son to go to school everyday for a few hours to get the interaction he needs and time for you to bond with your daughter with out worrying about your son. You sound like you are doing an excellent job keeping consistent. One word of advice- make for certain your son does not perceives your protection of the other child as a rejection of him. It's so difficult for children to distinguish the difference. In a couple of months your little girl is going to want to play with her big brother and she will be much more resilient.
Just because your son was adopted at age 6 months does not mean that he remembers "the process" or what it took for him to feel loved and accepted. What he probably sees is a baby who comes into his life more formed than just a big sleeping bundle and starts taking time from his routine. The routine is probably a big part of the problem, first you were gone and when you come home there is a new little person with you. Try to get back to his original routine as much as possible and discuss changes that are necessary with him (based on his level of understanding). He will need some adjustment time and yes, special attention. He will also need to understand that some things are acceptable around the new baby and some things are not. This is some advice that I got from a book about building strong families:
Reason with your children. Don't get frustrated and yell or punish first, try reasoning with your child. "When you yell like that you make your new sister scared. If she is scared she won't be happy and won't want to be with us. Is there a better way to get the baby's attention?"
Lead by example. If you are loud and get in his face, he will do what you do. Note if there are any of your behaviors that might be contributing to the problem. Maybe your "in baby's face" time isn't loud and boisterous, but maybe he is just trying to emulate what you are doing and he doesn't know how. Watch your behavior to eliminate things you don't want him to do and carefully guide the things you do want him to do.
Teach responsibility by allowing them to make decisions for themselves. Guide them to the right decisions, but do not force. For example, it is time to pray and he refuses. Tell him why you pray, list some blessings, etc and tell him you are thanking God for your blessings so He will know you love Him. Allow your child to determine if he will pray and then make sure that he understands that sometimes when you choose not to do something, you will have immediate consequences (if you don't do your chores, you won't get to play), but you still have the choice. Set limits and rules to keep them and others safe from harm. Discuss the rules and allow them to help define the consequences for breaking rules (within reason).
This book also lists some ideas for dealing with a new baby, this is generally for a brand new baby, but any small adaptations can easily be made. Have the whole family get together. You should have a doll (the size of a baby) on hand, as well as a chalk and chalkboard or a paper and pen for making a list. Sing some favorite songs to help get everyone's attention. Tell your children how much they mean to you. Talk about the day he was born (or in an adopted child's case, the day you were able to bring him home). Talk about where you went and what you did, how you felt waiting for him, what time you first got to hold him, how you felt holding him, what he looked like, why you selected his name for him, etc. Go from the oldest to the youngest.
Point out that when a new baby comes to a family she has many needs. Each child can help care for the new little sister and help meet those needs. Ask the family to help make a list of the things you might want in order to care for the physical needs of a baby. Let each person know that you appreciate their help in making the list of the baby's needs. Go on a little guided tour. You are the guide. Give each child one or two objects from the list (like a diaper, baby food, baby clothes, bath towel, baby blanket) and take them through the house, have them point out the places where these items go and put the where they belong. Go back to your original meeting place and ask the children why they had the tour. Help them to see that when mommy needs something, they will be able to help because they know where to get the things that baby needs.
Now help them see that baby has more than just physical needs. "What are some of the baby's other needs?" (Affection, guidance, attention) "What does each of us have to give to the baby that will let her know we really care?" (Love) Tell the family that one way a little baby knows it is loved is by the way family members hold and respond to it. "Would you like to hold the baby for a minute? Let's practice with the doll first." Demonstrate how to hold the baby's head, etc and allow the children to practice. Then allow the children to hold the new baby in their arms. Ask them how they felt toward the baby while they held her. Ask the children how they can be a good older brother/sister and give this baby all the things she needs. Thank them for all their ideas. Remind the children that when you see them or talk to them you feel that same love that you feel everytime you hold the new baby. End by again expressing your love to your children and your spouse again. (Adapted from the LDS Family Home Evening Resource Book)
I hope that any of these ideas helps you. Good luck with your expanding family.
We had some of the same issues - my daughter was 4 1/2 when we brought her sister home. For the most part she was good, but she'd get too rambunctious or loud, or grab the baby's feet when I was holding her, etc. Part of the issue was solved when she transitioned to daycare full time. I don't know if that's an option for you, but at 4 your son is probably ready for more social interaction and that would give you more uninterrupted time with the new baby. Also, since your son seems to thrive on rules/schedules, you could try something else that worked for us. We set up specific schedules for "baby time" and "big sis time" with Mommy. So, for example, my dd knows that from 5:30-6:30pm every night is "baby time" and I'll be with the baby. But the baby goes to bed at 7:00, so 7:30-8:30 is "big sis time" and she gets me all to herself. She seemed to calm down a bit after we instituted that. Something similar might work for you.
My son was 4 when my daughter was born. Same deal. My son was a NIGHTMARE for a whole year. Mean to both me and the baby. In desperation, I went to the preschool direction who simply said, "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs."
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm
Meaning... he needed my individual attention and missed me. So instead of focusing on punishment, I focused on spending more one-on-one with him (during naps, whenever and where ever). It WORKED! He completely turned around. He is 8 now and still teases her a lot (my current issue) but they do love each other very much.
Hi J.. Congratulations on expanding your family. I also have two adopted children and my older daughter was 3 and a half when her 12-month-old sister came to live with us seven months ago -- so I have been through some of what you describe. The good news is that things will get better, and that it won't take that much time for that to happen. I hope you can hold on to that for now. In the meantime, you are right to find ways to give each of your children one-on-one attention and to help your son through the transition to sibling status. And you are right to be concerned about your daughter's transition time. One tip I learned that has helped me a lot was to give my older daughter space to express her negative feelings about sisterhood. You certainly want to praise your son's positive responses to his sister and to prevent him from hurting his sister. But if you give him ways to talk about his jealousy or sadness or whatever else he feels that is negative, that could help him also and could keep him from acting out so much. My daughter has a paper doll set that has big girl dolls as well as baby dolls and sometimes when we play with the dolls we have the dolls talk about their feelings about not wanting the baby sister to play right now or wanting time alone with the mommy and so on. I think it's been a relief for my daughter to be able to voice some of what she feels.
Good luck to your family and please take care of yourself through this transition too.
It's normal, I remember my daughter praying for a baby for 3 years, when we finally got one and brought her home, she asked us (Do you love her more then me). Now those words ate right through me. I just grabbed her hugged and kissed her and said no I love her diffrent then you, and I named all the cute things about her. When she asked what do you love about her? I named less things and diffrent things, and tried to explain that the more we get to know her the more things we will love about her, I tried to explain love for a 5 year old to understand. Do you love Grandma? Yes, Do you love (my sister) Auntie? Yes, Well do you love them the same? And as she thought about this she said no, Grandma does these things for me and I love that about her, but Auntie does other things that I love better then Grandma. This helped until it came time a few months later for her to ask me do you love daddy more then me. I told her yes but reminded her that the reasons were diffrent. That my heart loved her alot and I can't imagine being without her, but my heart also new that daddy was here for me forever, and that one day she will leave me and get married to someone she loves more then me. That was okay because I would know that she always loved me but it's a diffrent kind of love. She was okay with this answer.
I have to tell you this jealous thing will stay around until the newness of this new one where's off a little. Right now she is the center of all attention and he sees that and it hurts, we all understand the jealous feeling when someone else hogs the attention and no one even noticed your new hair style. He will learn to love her. Just let him take the time he needs, and keep reminding him of the reasons why you love him. One thing I did would be to walk in the room and say oh my gosh I'm having a major love attack for you and I need to kiss you from head to toe. I'd throw them up in the air catch them and start kissing the top of his head all the way down to his toes and back up again. After your done they would tell me the spots I missed so I would have to do it all over again. Make this something special for just you and him for awhile then one day when your daughter is more comfortable with you, and your son is more comfortable with her, you can include her. Who knows he might even ask you to do it to her.
I'll I know is your son is 4 there won't be to much longer for you to get huggs and kisses from him, before it is embaressing. So take all that you can get now. This way he'll know how much he's loved, try really listening to him when the baby is asleep, sometimes all they need is 10 minutes of your time then they are off doing something else. Good Luck! You sound like a wonderful Mother, May this Mothers Day be great for you! J.
I would put the baby in daycare or grandmas house and then take the 4yr old to sign him up for t-ball or something that he would enjoy and grow in being apart of. Bring balance into each family members life by not making anyone the center of attention. Your son is perfect age to get him involved in team environment projects : ) It will show him what he has to offer to others.
What a special family you have made!
Have you done attachment parenting with your oldest son? I noticed he is adopted as well. As an adoptive parent, I learned that children can have attachment issues even if they appear to be unaffected by the transition from one family to your family after adoption. If I were you, I'd read up on attachment parenting and attachment issues that may arise in children.
It seems like your little guy is having a hard time adjusting to sharing you with the baby and also the baby's adoption may trigger his own (unspoken) feelings about when he was adopted, unverbalized feelings of loss.
So I suggest you read up so you can learn what approaches may help your son and your new babe as well.
Good luck!
Hi J.! I'm sorry I can't help you with your situation, but I think it's because I don't understand some things. I'm sorry to sound so out of the loop, but curiosity is killing me and I just have to know - what are ds, dd and dh? I thought at first maybe you were referring to down syndrome, but as I read on, I got the impression that I might be wrong. Please enlighten me if you get a free moment! thanks in advance!!!
Hi J.,
I see that you've gotten ALOT of advise so I thought I'd just tell you what I did to find playmates AND some adult conversation! Haaha!
I signed up for a parks and rec class. There are MANY! I did this when my son was 4 months old. (I have a 3 yr old and a 15 yr old) I mentioned to the teacher that I was starting an email list and she let me put the sheet out for people to sign up on. It just blossomed from there and I now have more than 150 families on the email list. What I do now is send an email of fun places that we are going to that coming week and hopefully some of the people show. It's an easy way to meet up with friends that are ever changing. It's free and we get to know alot of people that we normally wouldn't have. Try taking the kids one morning to a park and meeting other parents there. Once you start, it's very easy. By the way this teacher still offers my email list in her classes so new "friends" are always showing up wherever we are. We have park playdays, Chuck E Cheese outings, Farm trips, Storytime at the local librarys, Pottery Barn Kids storytimes, Roller skating dates, and MANY others...even scheduled a childless, girl's night out recently. It's been alot of fun, easy and there isn't pressure on anyone because if they want to OR can make it, then they will and if not then maybe next time.
I hope this helps. Enjoy every little special moment with your little blessings. They grow up too quickly. :)
Take care.
~R.
J.,
My older child was 3 when my younger one was born and the first six months was quite an adjustment. My friend's older one was 4 when her younger one was born and it made our adjustment period seem pretty mild. 4 year olds are just intense on a good day. And you've brought an older child home (knowing they are coming and dealing with them being there are two different things!) who is probably just as needy as a newborn (just needy in different ways). So I say, do the best you can, hang in there and realize it will get better. It also wouldn't hurt to check out some books on positive discipline to help you through the rough spots. Big life changes are hard. Hard on mom, hard on baby, hard on older sibiling. I really hope you find ways of coping to help. Do you have any access to other families who have been where you are? if you do, they could be really helpful. In the meantime, if you need to send your 4 y.o. to preschool a few more days of the week, do it.
Good luck!
T.
Hi J., Is he actually hurting her or scarring her? if not i wouldn't worry to much, but when you feel he is getting a little to agressive, change the activity, like OK story time, and ket you son pick out the book, let him choose where you read the story, weather in his room, living room, or where ever. I think you are right when you say that putting him in time out each time may make him more resentful. I think it is great that you have giving these children a home, you must have a great heart. keep me posted on how things are going. J.
See about moving your son into 3 days a week pre-school, or possibly more. This gives him positive playtime, something just for him not shared with sister. Get some household help so someone else does the cleaning. Take what clothes you can to the laundry. Have groceries delivered. Spend what money you can outsourcing chores so you can spend time building the crucial life lasting bonds. While your son is at pre-school is your time to super-concentrate on baby. After your son goes to bed, bring baby in to sleep with you for a part of the night. Wear baby when you can in a sling, or back pack. Be extra physical with both children, hugging, touching, etc.
Good luck.
Hi J., I can tell that DS is a very lucky boy to have a Mom like you. My suggestion is to add another day of preschool to his schedule. It will be good for his developement to be around children his age. And it will give you the opportunity to have more time with your daughter. Often as parents we feel guilty and some how unconsiouly train our children to play on that guilt. I was raised by a very wise woman who guided me in raising my two sons now 31 and 27 years old. She taught me that no matter what happens, life goes on. How we react to change is how we train our children to react. A new baby is a normal occurance in a lot of children's lives. Live like it is normal and DS will adjust accordingly. Good Luck!
I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. Your challenges sound greater due to the attention your daughter needs, but here are some things that have helped us over the last 4 months:
My older son gets regular time w/both me and husband to do "dedicated" activities that we nicely point out is just us and not baby and isn't it nice to have some time for just us...
If you have an extended network of people in your life you might ask for help from them in this way in having them do something w/your son
Consider upping his preschool days. My son goes 5 days and preschool has been wonderful because it is HIS place and he gets to show off about being a big brother and a wonderful place to release boy energy.
We too have the challenge of his being too enthusiastic w/the baby and need to redirect the energy (it won't go away so think how you can displace it -- is there a garage project, a car to be washed, etc. something big boy where you need his help?)
When I have both kids and I'm doing something for older kid I make a point of "telling" the baby that he has to wait, I'm attending to big kid now. Obviously the baby doesn't get it, but my older kid sure does and it helps.
In the early days, presents helped. We gave him something he wanted and said it was from the baby and also stockpiled some small gifts that helped.
if you have both kids and need to give baby individual attention you might consider rewarding big kid w/video/computer time -- maybe w/headphones on. we do this a little and it works. I would not stop w/healthy boundaries about what he can/can't do. Continue these and somehow find some individual time w/him -- this has been helping us. There is zero time left over for us at this point, but it is promoting a nice sibling relationship so far.
I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, you can't force your son to bond with his sister or want to help with her. He reminds me of one of the kids I watch, also a high-energy 4 year-old. Today I asked him to hold the baby's bottle for me while I picked up a toddler out of the crib. He complied for all of 2 seconds, when he lost interest in helping. I think you are going to have to let him bond with her on his own terms and in his own time. If he wants to help, great, but don't ask, let him volunteer. Second, you have two kids now and the second one is not going to get mom's undivided attention, and that is okay. Just find things that you can do with both kids. Go on daily walks, open up that shade so your daughter can watch mom and big brother interact. This will also help tire big brother...ahh nap time. Last but not least, you've got to schedule those playdates. There are times when a boy needs to let his boy out. When I think I can handle it, I invite my 4 year-old neighbor over to play for the four-year old I watch and the difference in play is amazing. Very different from how they play with my daughter and very different from the type of play in a structured environment. Be assertive, get the numbers from other boys at school and get them going. My DD has had playdates after school on weekends and even a few into the evening hours. Gotta run!!:)
Do you expect him to understand the process? Keep up the structure, his world changed and he needs to see that all the rules apply. Don't let the power shift and try to appease him too much. You are very courageous to adopt and worthy of props. He will adjust and so will she. Remember to find some time alone and with just hubby. He and you are going to be together long after the kids are on their own.
I would enroll him in a preschool or day care for at least a half day every day so he has other children his age to play with. He needs the stimulation of age-appropriate activities with other children and you and your daughter need time to spend together so she settles in. If you have him occupied you can pay attention to the baby without feeling guilty. He is probably more bored with life than he is jealous of the baby and is using her as a "cause/effect" toy (he yells, she becomes frightened) and manipulating things so that he causes some excitement by getting negative attention. I wouldn't over-analyze it all, I would just listen to what he's trying to tell you which is that he is a strong, healthy little boy who needs action. Good luck.
My idea for you is to take him to a big toy store, and pick out his own baby (boy) doll, maybe with some accessories, and teach him about caring for his own "baby". My brother had a doll he used to rock at 3-4 years old in this little rocking chair, it was so cute. We have 5 siblings so there was always someone to share with, which is good for a child's development, I think, but your situation is harder because the son didn't see that baby growing and it was such a change for him. When you feed your baby, he can feed his, when yours takes a nap, his can take a nap, etc. I don't now if this will work, but it's worth a try. My brother turned out as a strapping man, pipefitter, welder, family man, dolls didn't do any harm, made him more caring with his own daughters.
Wow! Most questions on MamaSource are easy. This is a toughie. I am extremely familiar with adoption from all three points of the adoption triangle. As the mom of four sons, I know four year olds. They can be challenging under the best of conditions. They push the limits, see how far they can go with things. On this issue, your son needs to know that he can go exactly nowhere. I don't know you personally, of course, but it has been my experience that adoptive parents tend to go a bit light on the discipline, often to the detriment of their children. Beware of this! Your son has had your undivided attention for 4 years. Your daughter needs it now. She needs to bond with you and feel your unconditional love and protection. Your son will be okay. He will not be damaged for life. He will not learn to hate his sister. He needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a zero tolerance policy in the household regarding aggression toward his sister. But he also needs his mommy time when your daughter is not on the scene. That can be her bonding time with daddy, or while she is napping. I am not an advocate of full time preschool, but perhaps you should look into it a few more days a week for awhile. Grandparents? Aunts? Uncles? Close friends? Enlist everyone your son is close to. Quality time can come from many different sources. Your daughter's future depends upon bonding solidly with you, and feeling safe in her own home during these early days. She is not your new daughter. She is your daughter, and her future is in your hands. 10 months is an insecure age for most kids, and her insecurity is well justified. Sleep with her, carry her, hold her as much as you can. Good luck!
Hi J.,
Congratulations on your new baby!
It sounds like you're going through a really rough time...it's one thing when we come home with a newborn, but with an active 10 months old, I can imagine it's that much more challenging...
This behavior from your son is not unusual, no matter the age of the new sibling. The reality of a new sibling never matches what measure of expectations the other child may have expressed prior to the arrival. For that matter, in most cases, the experience doesn't measure up to what our own expectations were, right? Especially after those first few weeks of being on "new mommy-high"... We don't know what kind of personality this new child has, adopted or not! We can plan, but the reality always holds surprises we never anticipated.
Since your son is already a very active child by your own words, I would take extra time (and energy on your part unfortunately) to get as much outdoor exercise as possible in the morning, then again in the afternoon, to tire him out (most of our kids don't get enough high intensity play anyway, no matter their energy level)so that his time spent in the home with you and the baby is calmer, less fidgety, while he's basking in the afterglow of all those exercise endorphins...
He may be 4, but he still should be napping in the afternoon, or if anything, having quiet time after lunch. Make sure you don't show up at the supermarket with both kids between 4 and 6 pm (the witching hour for all kids) make sure he has a healthy snack/meal in his body every 3 to 4 hours, cut down on juices, sugary treats of any kind, to measure out his energy levels. All the things you knew before, but because of the new baby we sometimes fall off the good habits wagon.
Remember also, that despite your daughter's background, at 10 months most babies are going through stranger anxiety, and are easily startled at new and loud things (people or environments) anyway. For most kids, 9 months to 11 months are the "kling-on" "velcro-baby" "don't wanna be held by anybody but mamma" "don't put me down and leave me" stage anyway. But don't let in to those fears, don't pull away from new experiences, this would set the stage of "your fear is real, and mommy will protect you" which is totally unrealistic and doesn't leave room for emotional growth. Every effort should be made to make sure that every new experience is perceived as normal, that when her brother startles her that you can turn this into a "ha ha look how funny this is" moment rather than anxiety ridden. Demonstrating pleasure and amusement to certain situations can help the child (no matter what age) begin to perceive those situations as non-threatening. Keep the laughter going, you will benefit as well. (hard thing to do when we're tired or wired, but essentially beneficial: fake it 'till you make it, how else do we get through some days)
You are right to stick to a good routine, although I realize you are having to adjust for the new baby. Nevertheless, the payoff will be HUGE. Try to stay as true to your old routine as possible. Your baby will benefit from the predictability, and the fresh air as well. No matter the age of your new one (be it sibling #2, #3 or more), this is what every mom has to do anyway! For parents, change is the new normal, right? Children appreciate knowing what to expect during the day, it gives them a measure of control over their lives. At four, especially with the pre-school experience, he's old enough to follow a chart with icons representing details of your day on a simple calendar. "This is the time we..." This gives them comfort in knowing they are part of the process.
Stick to your guns, the rules have not changed, just expanded to include the sibling.
In Friendship and Support,
V.
