MY Attachment Issues / Second Child

This is completley normal, and it really does get a lot easier. I have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. When my daughter was born i was a mess for the first couple weeks. I felt like i had ruined my sons life even though i didnt. He did better with the transition than i did, and let me tell you, it took a good 2 months or so before i felt even a litte comfortable showing any affection to my baby in front of him. Once we got on a routine and i got her on a bed time routine at about 3 months or so then things got much easier. Now they absolutly adore eachother and we all have a blast togeather. It is so cute watching them interact with eachother, and i have it worked out where she goes to bed at 7 and my son by 8 so i still get a little one on one time with him. I couldn't imagine not having my 2 babies. I love them both in very different ways, and wouldnt change anything. It is very hard at first and doesnt seem like it will ever get easier, but it does. Congrats on the new baby!!!

I think most moms are worried about this. I know I was. All I can say is that the moment my son was born, I felt the same overwhelming rushing sense of love that I did when my daughter was born. In so many ways, it has been "easier" to love him, because I wasn't saddled with all the worries that a new mom has and I could live in the moment with him a little bit more. I know not everyone feels that way, but I assure you, you don't run out of love.

While there's plenty of love, there is a little less attention. But I also think that works out too. The older one could probably use a little less, and the younger one will be more independent. It's not a bad thing.

Good luck.

Jane M. is right on!

About missing your daughter when she goes to preschool. I'm a grandma and have each of my grandchildren one evening and one day/week each. I do have a life separate from them. Still, I miss them the minute they're gone. I miss my granddaughter for at least a day and sometimes all week, probably because I adopted my daughter as an older child and she was unable to show much affection. I have what I wanted with a daughter now in my granddaughter. I understand your attachment to your daughter. Both you and your daughter are fortunate to have each other.

I suggest that you try looking at this situation as an indication of how much you will love your new baby and how much more love you'll have to give and share. You will be attached to both of them and they will love you back. You won't be able to spend as much time with your daughter or in the same way. At the same time she will be older and your time together would change any way. She will need you less in some ways but your new baby will still need you in those ways. She will still need you in a similar way as she does now but her needs will change. Your basic relationship centered around love and being together will not change. Look at the situation as an opportunity to expand both yours and your daughter's horizons.

I manage my longing to be with my grandchildren by getting involved in another activity. You'll have a beautiful loveable baby on which to turn your attention. I think you'll find that this will work out just fine. Life will change. Love will expand and satisfy.

The first time I overheard my 1st born singing to his baby sister ( he didn't know I could hear him) I felt my heart grow 3 sizes like the Grinch.
You are the vicitm of preggers hormones! Everything made me cry when I was pregnant!
The alone time you get with Baby while #1 is at school will be precious to you as well as the times you can pass off the baby to someone and spend time with your Big Girl. make sure #1 hears you tell Baby to wait a little 'cuz you need to help her/his Big Sister - it helps reduce jealousy a little.
Preschool is such a great experience for your child and you will be amazed at how much she will blossom and learn. She will LOVE making friends. You are giving her a gift, not sending her away.
She will love the baby but sometimes get jealous - especially when the baby gets cute and social. My son is struggling with the concept that his little sister is getting more mobile every day and anything he leaves within her reach ends up in her mouth. ;) We warned him about this when I was pregnant - he ignored us so now he's learning the hard way. ;)
It will be a little nuts sometimes - especially the evenings when you are trying to get dinner done, the baby bathed and put to bed and prep for the next morning. I am learning to fix dinner early and then re-heat it. Ugh!
I love my son exponentially more now - his baby sister gave me a chance to re-visit his infancy and reminisce and watching him love and teach her makes me so proud!

Hi H., I felt just the same way with the second and the third! I could not imagine what it would be like to look at a different little face! All I could think about while pregnant with the second and third was the first and the second, which made me feel guilty in some way about neglecting thinking about the one I was currently carrying....Here's the thing, each NEW child turned out to be a bonding opportunity with the EXISTING child! Babies are fascinated with other babies! Who knew! Not that there won't be moments where your older child will be jonseing for some one on one with you and showing little signs of jealousy, but you and her are a TEAM now, taking care of the new one together!! Congratulations to you and your family, everythings gonna be just fine!!

I totally get this and was worried about my daughter feeling left out/abandoned/jealous, etc. I realized about 5 days after my son (second child) was born that I had hardly held him because I was so worried about what my first child would think. I had such deep regret about that (cried...I felt horrible) and have not sacrificed one child for another ever since. Now at 4 1/2 and 2 1/4 of course there is jealousy both ways, but I love and show affection to each one in the fullest way I can and have no regrets about it. It's a good learning experience for both of them--a Mommy's heart has no limits!

Keep in mind that you are bloated with hormones right now that make you very emotional. Try to remember what's logical even if your hormones are telling you something different!

First of all you are fretting over something that is going to work it's self out completely naturally. You cannot sit and predict how you are going to figure it out, it will just happen on its own. You will totally love the baby as much as you love your daughter, and you will teach your daughter to share that same love too, so the baby will have double love. Your 3 year old will be the babies "idol" in a couple of years and she will be "double loved" too!
In some ways you will re-invent how you spend time with your 3 year old, lots of it will be you and her taking care of the baby, and when the baby is sleeping you will do a little of one on one with her.... obviously you will be worn out "trying to be the perfect mom to both kids", so just remember that the perfect mom doesnt wear herself out because she can't take care of the kids at all if she does. Play it by ear, don't make a lot of plans on how you will do it, it will just happen.
Congratulations!

You will find a way to make it work. I have found, that adding a baby is hectic and crazy, but it actually strengthens the love we have for each family member, and older siblings are now experiencing the joy of being a big sister/brother.

Your little girl can rub baby's belly as it nurses/feeds, she can bring you diapers, help wash her baby's hair. Bring diapers, help pick out little outfits, sing lullabies together to baby... lots of ways for the bonding to grow.

One very wise piece of advice (not the only!) from my mom was to nurse on a double wide rocking chair (we had a rocking loveseat) and have the older by you reading together while baby nurses. That way #1 isn't displaced and there is no room for him/her, but nursing time becomes your special reading time as if the baby nursing is just an afterthought. This way BOTH of them are #1 and getting their needs met. I personally never had child #2 so I cannot tellyou from my experience, but growing up I don't think I ever felt slighted for the babies (I'm the 2nd of 5) because she always paid attention to us while baby was nursing. (She nursed each for ~2 yrs or so)

I am sure you will do fine. Just remember that just as no 2 individuals are alike, you cannot love any 2 individuals exactly alike. Be fair, yes, but fair does not equal same.

I just thought I'd echo what the other mamas said - you will fall in love with your new one and fall in love all over again with your older one for the big sister she will become. You will always have that special time, but now it's time for more memories that are a really beautiful time in your families' life. I had the same worries, and maybe every mom does. I felt scared and really guilty about the baby to be, life I was about to betray the child in front of me. But that's not how it really plays out. I have 3 boys, and they are 21, 18 and 13 now. I felt guilty that one of them never got to be a big brother! I think that motherhood means feeling guilty about something (and fighting that instinct along the way). We all want to give 100% to each child, but having split attention does not take away from that - I think they thrive better with your sometimes divided attention.

I, too, think this is totally normal to feel this way. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I questioned how on earth I could love another little person as much as I loved my first...but then he came and I was in love all over again :) Granted, your 2nd wont get the same undivided attention that your first did, but they do get experiences that your first didn't...and, there are two (you and your daughter) people doting over them instead of one. It does all work out, I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and strangely, I hadn't thought about this issue this time around. Good Luck :)

I think this is totally normal and I think it will all come naturally to you! When my daughter was born I totally felt the same way. My son and I had a wonderful relationship and I was afraid the baby would take too much time away and change our relationship. I didn't want to let my son down or make him feel like he couldn't depend on me. My husband was in Iraq and I was the sole caregiver for my son and I wanted to keep his life as stable as possible. It has been wonderful for us. The hardest thing for me was that my son was sick when my daughter was born and I couldn't be there to take care of him. Congratulations!

Hi H.,

Welcome to our club. I felt the exact same way BEFORE I even got pregnant with my second child. But for all of the worrying you are doing right now, you will find out that you really have nothing to worry about it. Your heart will just expand to encompass them both. And when your little girl sees that she is the Big Sister, she will want to love the new baby as well. That will make you love her more ( if that's even possible). Make her homecoming from day care special. Have her first 30 mins home be focused just on her(again, if possible) and have her help you do little things for the baby.

You are normal to feel this way. Don't worry. Revel in your pregnancy.

God bless

H., as the mother of 5 and now the grandmother of several cuties, I thought I'd answer this. You have focused your every thought on your child and have you given your husband or other family members any of your heart and time? Becasue we had several years apart between children it was wonderful to enjoy one and then to let them grow up and become the little person they were meant to be . I have always told my children that I am your moter not your friend or buddy. They have been the major part of my life and heart but when a new one was coming it made me aware that there was going to be major changes. I needed to be able to handle the needs of a 4 year old and a needy newborn. The newborn won. I 'd make time to read to the 4y/o and other children while I nursed or rocked the baby. I made sure that there wee games and coloring pages that could be done and even bought some special movies for us to watch together. I have seen my sweet daughter in law, deal with this situation beautifully. Her baby is 6 weeks old and then there is a 3 y/o. She makes sure that she spends time one on one with the 3yo while the baby sleeps. Sister loves her baby and gets to help. It doesn't have to be one or the other but like a rubber band that stretches and grows so is a family with each your stretch and grow. What would you do if your baby had colic ? you wouldn't love it less only have more calmness about your and keep all the children busy and playing. I have een blessed to ahve thelittle arms all around my neck and so have my girls with thier babies and then older child. Just make sure you keep your 2yo busy with you withsome activity while you care for your family. You will do fine-- you will suddenly see how much your older child has grownup and changed in the blink of an eye. & how dependent your baby is. The house work will not run away nor will it grow and attack you so if you need to have a neighborhood teen come in and help do a few things like dishes, laundry,take the older child out side to play one on one. The teen will enjoy the money and the child will enjoy the friendship. This will give you the feeling that you are doing the best for your children. But love grows and opens your heart wide enough to accept the new one and see the blessings of the fist child. You will always have a specail place in your heart for your first born, I know I do and so does all my girls.

I agree, you are totally normal! I felt that way with my daughter and she was almost 5 when my son was born. I have to say having my second child was a thousand times more wonderful than I could even have hoped. Having my daughter there and seeing her develop into such a great caring sister brought us even closer. I spent a lot of time with her doing special things when my son slept and I made sure that she still got her own mommy and daddy time.
Good Luck!

Hi H.,

WOW! When I read this I began to cry...I never knew that anyone out there felt the same way I did when I had my 2nd! I'm so relieved to know that I'm not the only one! :)
I now have an 18 month old son and a daughter who just turned 4 in June.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I started to feel the same way you're feeling!!!
It does ALL work itself out - but I couldn't imagine it either.

God has a plan - your heart swells with love when your new bundle of joy is born and this time sharing this experience with your daughter it makes the miracle of your 2nd baby that much more precious!!!
All of a sudden you have 2 and your love increases for each of them daily. :)

Seeing your daughter hold/kiss her baby brother or sister for the 1st time is just one of the joys that will erase the questions and feelings you are having now.
My sister suggested buying (or making) a special shirt for her to wear to the hospital the day her brother was born. It said "I'm the BIG sister". That made her feel so proud and excited for the arrival just as much as us.

Mind you - yes, of course your new baby will consume you at 1st but even the little things you do will mean so much more now. Reading a book to her while your husband takes your newbie for a walk or helps with a feeding. Even though you're gonna be exhausted, you'll find the energy and time for your daughter.
Of course there are going to be those moments where you'll have to ask her to wait for your attention but by including her in everything will help as well. The feedings, the baths, etc...I remember crying alot for the 1st few weeks cause the adjustment was such a challenge for us.

After our son was 6 months old I started taking our daughter on special mommy/daughter dates weekly to remind her how much she means to me. Always letting her pick her fav place to go & remembering not to rush. Taking that time is not just for her but for me as I often still find myself giving more attention to my son since she's grown more independent and he is into everything now! ;)

I wish you the very best and congratulations!

Everything will work itself out; just takes time. Remember to give yourself time to get used to being a mother of a newbie again. This time around will be different, there will be an adjustment for her daughter of course but your daughter is so loved that in the end that's all that matters.

Thanks again for sharing!!! Sorry I wrote so much!!!
Blessings!

Hi H.,
Already tons of responses, but you must know by now that you're not alone!!
I felt the same way when I had my 2nd. He is now 9 months old and my daughter is 3 years and 9 months (birthdays 4 days apart). I remember with my first baby I wept after she was born because I was so in love with everything about her- I remember weeping over her eyelashes! The second time around I also wept for my 1st and for what she must be feeling. I'm also a first child and I empathize deeply with the struggles of a 1st. I felt very guilty for making her life harder in the short term.
I had to remind myself to remember the long term and the fact that my husband and I chose to have two because we believed in the long run it was better for our family, for us all. Over time my first has come to understand and trust that I'm still there and that I still love her. Sometimes when her brother's napping I let her pretend I'm just her mommy again.
There's lots of jealousy and acting out but I do my best. Sleep deprivation has a way of taking away guilt because you just don't have energy for it!

Seriously, though, you'll fall head over heels again. And so will your daughter, REALLY! Trust the process and focus on your birth.

I think that so many mom can relate to how you feel. When I was ready to give birth to my son I too would discuss how scared I felt with my husband and end up in tears. I LOVE my daughter and I didn't think it would be possible to love any other child as much as her. I had my son and fell in love with him in such a different way. It will be so good for you to be able to focus on your newborn and not feel pressured to spend all day dividing your time between the two. When your daughter is home you can focus on her, and then when she is in preschool you can focus on your baby. Honestly, it will be ok and you will be suprised about how much love you have! It comes from a new place inside of you and doesn't replace or take up the love you have for your daughter....its almost as though when the baby is born the space is replaced by another source of love for this new baby.

Oh you are so normal. I had the exact same issues. It is super scary! But just like the others said, you will do it and you will do it without even realizing it. All of a sudden you will have this awesome bond with the second child and the bond with your first will be even stronger, better, different. It really is magical. Your fears are totally normal and there is really no way to explain it to you until it happens to you and trust me, then you will understand. I also have to say that the relationship your kids have with eachother will make everything worth it. It's amazing how quickly it becomes about them. Congrats...everything will be perfect!

Hi H.! I can completly realate to your post! I felt the same feelings and concerns for my 3 year old while preganant with my 2nd.
Attention-It is sad and hard... but I am sure things will work out. It helped me to think about my siblings and how I felt growing up and now, it was fun to have them and they have shaped me, and now I am very close to them. Now I see my two and how much they just love each other and play together, and even how many times I have to stop someone from getting hurt, it makes me smile.
I try very hard still with my now 4 yr old to give a portion of our treasured time together like before. I plan special things to do during nap time, always ask him to help... you know.
I honestly didn't want my oldest to feel slighted at all, I wouldn't even have special different curtains in the new baby's room! They had to be the same! I think now that was a little silly of me, and it took away feeling of bonding with my 2nd. I asked a lot of other moms the same question if they could ever love the 2nd as much as the 1st. They all said the same thing. "You will have just as much love for the second I promise. I never thought I would, but then I just did!" I can already tell you are a good mom and it will come naturally for you! Good luck!

normal.
i have time w/the oldest during babies nap... but he wasn't in school either.
i guess every step we have to let go a little will be hard : (

I was totally there. I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I remember crying when I found out I was pregnant. Not tears of joy, but tears of guilt. I felt like my first daughter's life was going to be turned upside down and it would be all my fault!

Like someone else said, the minute my second baby was born, the flood of love and emotional attachment to her was overwhelming, unexpected, and incredible. And even if you don't have that, everything does work itself out. My first daughter is on the sensitive side, and takes awhile to transition to change, so I was feeling awful the first month after bringing the baby home. That first month, she never ever had a problem with her new sister...she did, however, express some anxiety over the fact that I could not pay attention to her as much as I used to. Some great tips I got from other moms that worked:

1.) have "breastfeeding toys" (or "bottle feeding toys") - when I'm at home and bfing the baby, I had designated toys that I knew my older one loved (kai lan doll, microphone, play doh, to name a few) that she could only play with while I was nursing. This made nursing the baby a special time for her, something that she actually looked forward to. 2 months later, I no longer have to bring out the breastfeeding toys.

2.) when the new baby is napping, spend all your time and energy on your older daughter (when she's not in preschool). do something she loves together. resist the urge to clean/cook/organize (make your frozen meals now). they do notice and cherish the effort.

3.) if she does express some anxiety, talk it out with her and affirm her feelings (eg., "are you sad because mommy can't play with you as much as she used to?")

Keep in mind my daughter was 22 months when her sister was born - an age where their sense of security is not 100% yet. Generally, 3 years of age is when this sense of security and independence sets in, so I bet your daughter will do great! I'd also like to note that 2 months later, my eldest daughter wakes up asking for her baby sister DAILY. She hugs, holds, and kisses her constantly, and can't imagine living without her. Her anxiety regarding our relationship is completely gone. You are giving your older daughter one of the greatest gifts of all - a sister and friend for life! :)

I just had my daughter a month ago, and it was really hard. Before I had her, I had no idea I would feel that way. I literally felt like I was mourning my 2 year old son because I was needing to feed her all the time and I was too exhausted for him. I would cry all the time. But it only lasted for about 2 weeks and then things started to get normal. Now we have a new normal and my son is adjusting well and I'm finding time for him again. It will be ok, just maybe rough in the beginning.

I remember that special bond with my oldest. She's almost 5 years older than my second child, so we had a lot of wonderful time together.

When the new baby's born there'll be a ramp-up time, but you'll figure it out. Make no mistake, it will be different, but it will still be wonderful. You'll love watching the relationships change, seeing how your two children learn to relate, and family time will feel so rewarding. Of course, there will be bumps along the way, but everything will work out. That wonderful love you feel for your oldest will hold her a long way, and you'll love the second just as much.

Enjoy it all!

I only have 1. However, I think you are giving your daughter the greatest gift in the world! How great for her to have a sibling to play with! I wish my son had a sibling, but I just realize we aren't ready and may not ever be ready for baby #2. My sister has 10 children and they are all incredible loved!

I hear you. When my second son was born, I didn't even want to deal with him because I wanted to spend all my time with my oldest to make sure he didn't feel like I didn't love him anymore!

Some of the things my husband did (because he is much better at this than I am!) prepared our oldest well for the arrival of our youngest. He taught our oldest how to swaddle his Glo-Worm, taught him how to hold a bottle, taught him how to put a diaper on, and worked with him so he had a few books that he could "read" (he was almost 2 at the time). So when my youngest was born, our oldest was so excited to help in any way he could! It was great!

Now we are getting ready to welcome our third into the world (I'm 37 weeks along). Am I nervous? Heck yes! We moved to a new house in a new town and the boys just started a new daycare that they'll stop next week because they'll get a new nanny. Transitions, transitions, transitions. But they love babies, and they love to help. And I thank them and praise them every time I can. And so far, they don't hate me, and they are best friends because of all the helping they've been doing for each other throughout the (almost 2!) years they've been together.

I won't say it gets easier, but you'll find that you will grow to love your second one in an equal but very different way. It took me a few months, to tell you the truth. I am expecting a learning curve like that again. But it really is awesome to see how different they are, and to appreciate new aspects of your and your husband's personalities in your second child, too!

I started worrying about my son as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My friend said not to look at it as though I was ruining his life (my overly dramatic hormonal words) but to look at it as the greatest gift I could give him. She was so right. He LOVES his sister so much! It is amazing to see him with her. It helped us both that he is also bonded very well with my mom. There was an adjustment time for he and I (it had been just the two of us so much before my daughter was born) so having his grandma around was huge in allowing me to care for the new baby and know that he was the center of my mom's attention. Soon he came to express his delight in his new baby sister and we became the three amigos during what used to be our alone time. When Daddy or grandma is available he gobbles them up, or they take the baby and I have time with just him. I have found that after giving us time to settle down the new baby has allowed me to see the nurturing side of my son. I am so glad that they have each other now. Congrats on the new baby!