Help!! Troubles at Home!

A little background about me....I've been married for 15 years. My husband has 3 brothers and I have 1. I worked with handicapped children for 4 years when I was a teen into my early 20's.

From my experiences, I can tell you that men often don't think or express themselves in the same way we women do. You need to be honest with him about your feelings. Do NOT attack or accuse him, but be honest. Tell him how it makes you FEEL when he goes out so often.

Raising a child with a disability is a HUGE responsibility and you both are young. Is it possible that he isn't ready to face the fact that your daughter has Down Syndrome? Is he scared, frustrated, overwhelmed, maybe even ashamed? All of those feelings are valid and he and you both need to work through them. He may be running from it and going out a few nights a week offers him an outlet where he doesn't have to think about the way his life has changed and boy has it changed.

Truly, my greatest advice is to pray for him, for yourself and for your daughter. Ask God for His wisdom in this situation. And be honest with yourself and with your fiancee. TALK to him, ASK him how he feels about you and Hannah, SEEK counseling if necessary. But most of all, do whatever you have to to show Hannah all the love the world has to offer. Her life will be more difficult than most and your love will see her through.

Dear R.,
There are alot of people out there with many different opinions. I agree to follow your heart. I am going through a similar situation and have found that the more I stayed home and brewed about it the more hurt and anger I felt. Now I do more things for me and my son. We started after school activites for me and my son to do together. Then for myself, I found some of my own things to do just to get out and take my mind off of things. I have found out that the happier I am, everything else falls into place.
Sincerely, R. L.

hi, nice to meet you. my names A.. i know how ur feeling. im a single mom to a 9month old son. he also has brain damage and has therapist and lots of doctors. i know its hard to imagine doing all by urself, but believe u can do it, if needed to. and i've learned alot from my son's struggles and struggles he'll still have, but love does do alot. i would say try working it out some more with ur fiance, and if it doesnt do what u have to for ur daughter. he can still see his child even if things dont wrong out. but good luck with everything and if u would like to talk sometime or meet up let me know. i've been wanting to find some parents to hang out with and stuff, especially kids with medical problems.

I am a guy typing this right now and sounds like the guy your with thinks,"why buy the horse when you get to ride free" He isnt going to change. He either has to grow up some more or stay single. Before you even think of changing him, you cant. You will try for a few years and you wont. Time wasted. Move on until you find the right man, he will come. I was a single dad of 2 until I met a great lady . She is a dwarf and is unable to have kids, I came with 2 premade. We have been married now for 20 years this coming March 07. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ALL 3 OF OUR GRANDCHILD OVER AND ITS GREAT. They are 10,2 and 8 months. Good luck with the situation

First of all congratulations on your beautiful baby girl!
It’s a stressful situation loving and caring for a baby and even more so a baby with down-syndrome. Your fiancée is probably using his friends and partying as emotional release. I suggest a compromise, if you also enjoy parties, find a baby-sitter and go with him every couple weeks or go out with your friends! You deserve to go just as much as he, being a mother is one of the toughest jobs in the world! Also, the friends that crash on the couch try talking to him again, but this time both of you sit down and tell him that his house is your house and it’s not appropriate that his friends sleep on the couch when you have the baby there, then listen to his side as well, find out if there's a bigger reason to his going out several nights a week. Ask if there are day shifts available.

I hope this helps a bit.
I live in Winter Park with my step-mother and baby brother, I’m 14 years old and I would love to baby-sit for you if you need some one!
Niki Ogletree
(And remember there is nothing wrong with asking for help!)

R., your husband is an adult, and deserves respect as such. If you think of him like a child and treat him that way, you are making your relationship worse, not better. Whatever you do, do out of love. That may mean that you have to go to your mother's to preserve the little love you have left. Please be proactive about this, don't let your love for him completely die because you let this go on too long.

Good for you for being honest with him that this makes you unhappy. This is information that he needs to make decisions that will work for you as a family. Are you sharing your honesty about what you are unhappy about, in a respectful way? Do you use 'I' messages? "When you let your buddy sleep over, I feel disrespected, because I cannot realx in my own home unless it's just us. I miss sleeping next to my sweetie. Even in my sleep, I feel more secure when you're here." Then when he says that you are complaining, be honest with him, "That is your choice to see this as complaining. I am so sad that it is eating away at my love for you. So much is gone, that I feel more loved at my mother's. I am so sad that I am thinking of going to stay there, so I can recharge myself."

If you say it in anger, it may make him feel controlled like when he was a teenager and his mom said, "Come home because I say so." He may feel disrespected, too, like, "Don't you think I know when I should come home?" That is why you need to make it clear why you want him to do this, to make you more comfortable, and to build your love, not because he is incompentent.

Presenting it as your problem, and asking him to help resolve the issue shows him that you respect him as a fellow adult, one who is capable of making good choices for his sweetie and his new family. People don't usually change what they do out of feeling shamed, but they may try different things because they care about their partner, and want to show that love. And if he tries it, he will likely enjoy the result, that you feel more love and joy with him.

Some great books to look at things from another perspective are, "You Don't Have To Take It Anymore," by Steven Stosny, and "Love Busters," by Willard Harley.

Why does the friend sleep over? Is alcohol an issue?

the only good thing i have from my 11 year marriage are my children....the guy isnt going to change....my husband keeps saying he will but after 11 years i give up...dont get married...and if u have a place to return to u should....he wont change...u can try counseling, we did, even tho it didnt help...dont stay with him because of your daughter...its not always best....she deserves more than that...

Maybe things don't feel real for your husband, since he is at work all day and out all night he doesn't see the day to day like you do... It does sound like he needs to grow up but it also sounds like he may be looking for a way out and if you leave for a few days that may just give him the out he is looking for... (However I truly believe if someone wants out they will find a way)...

Now if you feel he doesn't really want out maybe you should have him watch Hannah for the weekend while you get away with friends or something... That will at least make it real for him and he can see what you do everyday... I know my husband didn't know what I did everyday until I went away with friends for the weekend once... I had never left my son, not even for a day, he was 2 when I had my girls weekend and I was 8 months pregnant at the time... I love being a mother and would not change anything for the world but sometimes my husband needs to see what I do, it's an eye opener for him....

Good luck...

K.

a little about myself, I am the mother of 2 my son is almost 3 and my daughter is 11 weeks.

Hi R.,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles at home. Let me just say this... you are the only one that is in control of your happiness. You cannot change your boyfriend and don't think that maybe things will change after you are married. People go through a lot of changes before the age of 30. If you cannot change and grow together then there is no point to being together. Your boyfriend should have taken responsibility before your child was born. If he has not yet he may not ever and that's something you have to think about. If he wants to change he would have before now. Your job is to do what is right for you and your child. If that means leaving then you know you have support in your family. Think of it like this... do you want to raise your child in the situation you're in now? I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't want my kids thinking that the right thing to do is go out and party. Life is short and staying with your child's father isn't always the right answer.

Good Morning,
First I want to tell you that you have a great way to think saying that the must important thing is Love, and it's all true but the biggest thing in the world has a name: Jesus.
R., you just need to talk to him like your best friend your confident, the only one who knows your trouble and difficult situation, what makes you happy or sad, he also knows your baby needs a father just to give what a mom and dad can give better (always as a couple) hand to hand a real family and Love. Ask God inthe name of his son Jesus for Sanation for your baby girl, you know something R., God can make some imposible into something real anything and loves imposibles, what we think it's imposible for us, it's possible for him, trust him, trust your family in him and pray for your marriage, to give and put in your husband mind the right way to do the things, and to focus his eyes on you and his baby, to give the value of a family, that never it's easy to deal with, but on the end it's magic,talk to your husband after that and express yourself on a nice way, a family it's you,him and your baby not other person it's allow to sleep on the must precius place your house, needs to be respect unless you agree to that, and welcome, other than that it's a decesion of two, you two, to see if that is healthy for your relationship, which is obvious that is not, talk to him with all the love that you have don't put a lot of pressure to him, mans does not like that, but tell him how you feel and what usually happen when couples don't fix any unhappy feelings.
My name is Y., I hope my advie help you in something, if need any other advice,or if I can help you in something, pleeease tell me.God bless you and your family.

You are in a very tough situation and the only recommendation I have is to never forget that you must 'lock the escape hatch and throw away the key'... meaning don't give up on your relationship, never look at the relationship as something you can take or leave, keep your focus on making it work. My husband works very hard and when he gets home he's either working outside or resting in his chair. I used to get so frustrated that he didn't help around the house... and sometimes I still get frustrated about it but over the years we have adjusted to our new lifestyles and now and then I convince him to brush the kids' teeth or give them a bath.... it is rare, but it happens. I've learned to accept some things I didn't like before and he's accepted that if he doesn't help around the house that he can't expect it to be spic-n-span every day when he gets home.
I'm not saying its okay for him to let friends crash in your house, because it is now a home for your family and you deserve privacy and have a right to know if someone will be staying in your home.
I think the hardest part is that he hasn't let go of his young bachelor 'party' days and you have had no choice but to let go of yours. Maybe what you need is some time to go out with your friends while he watches the baby...then maybe he can see how hard you work at home and get a little crash course in growing up.
It is a tough transition, hang in there and don't give up. You must be a very strong woman or God wouldn't have blessed you with a wonderful, loving, baby like yours. I have never met someone with Down-Syndrome that wasn't full of love for life and who didn't fill the world around them with joy. Good luck, God Bless and stay strong!!

Hello R.,

I am going through the exact same thing, I have a 20 month old daughter. I am 27 and my husband is 30. I swear I am married to a 12 year old. My husband likes to ride the motorcycle I got for him 3-4 nights a weeks, sometimes coming home 2-3am. He plays pool 1-2 times a week comes ohome very late from that too. He plays cards once a week. and plays basketball and works out.When he is home, he wants his friends to meet him there so they can play video games together. THEN complains that he doesnt get to go anywhere and I always nag him. When bills come he wont pay them. I have to remind him every month, " Honey, rent is due" , "honey, car note is due". He is very irrespobsible. I am the one with good credit and sometimes I feel he married me becuase of that. Money isnt an issue becuase between the both of us we make really good money. The thing is, he was like this before we got married. So, what I am trying to say is, if your fiance is like this now before you are married...its highly likely it will only get worse. He can always turn around and say you knew what you were getting into before you married him. And if you wait until you get married he will then accuse you of trying to change him.Getting married is much easier then getting a divorce. Try counseling so he can see where you are coming from, sometimes men will listen to someone on the outside looking in before they listen to their own wife/girlfriend. Also, the more he is allowed to go out, the more he will want to go out. I asked my husband to stay home one night and he turned to me and said "I can't, you know this is my wednesday".

Try prayer, cousling, and talking. If that doesnt work, you are setting yourself up for failure marrying a person that does not see life/marriage the way you do.

Good Luck, I hope it works out for you

Hi R.,

My name is L. and I to have a son that is 2 with DS. I found out through and Amnio that he was going to be born with this. It was hard enough at first to deal with that. Anyone that has a child wants them to be perfect in every way. And when I man finds out that there child isnt perfect, he deals with it in different ways. My fiancee has had a hard time with it to. Even though he doesnt talk about much I know he does. Stetson our son, IS perfect to us in many ways, and has taught us alot about each other, and other people. I know this is hard, and maybe this is his way of dealing with things. A counsler of some sort may help. Having a child with disablieites is not easy, I know from exppereince!! We have been very lucky and have not had any health problems like you have had.
If you would like to talk through email, you can email me at ____@____.com I would love to talk to you.
There is all kinds of support out there, you just have to know where to look.
Go with your heart, I know you want to do whats best, for you and your baby. Communication is the hardest in a relationship, and you have to make sure you have that.

R., if you would just read the messege you wrote about yourself. The key word was follow your heart. If your heart tells you, you need to go for a while, than by all means do it. Personally I think it might put something on his mind. However if it doesn't ,you will have to ask your self can I live with him, or can I live without him, and than you'll have your answer.

I think staying with your mom may help but you need to accept the fact that it probibly wont. If he hadnt changed already, he probibly never will. Talk to him about it and communicate your needs and the consequences of no changes. You deserve to have someone to rely on and not to have to be a mom to someone else but if you are not communicating your needs to him he has nobody to blame and neither do you... I know he probibly loves her to death and it's obvious you do, maybe he doesnt know how to be a grown up and if that is the case, you need to take care of the special child first. GOOD LUCK and BEST wishes!

I'm very sorry R.!

I honestly don't have any advice for you but wanted to leave a response after reading your "A little about me" section. I'm also 23, my son is 9 1/2 months old and had open heart surgery when he was 4 months old. What heart defect was Hannah diagnosed with, if you don't mind me asking? My son had/has Tetralogy of Fallot and although he doesn't have down syndrom I know this heart defect occurs a lot of times in DS children. Is Dr. Reich Hannah's cardiologist? Where did she have her surgery and who was her surgeon?

If you'd rather not talk about any of the above, I understand! I just have never really talked with someone in my area who has faced similar situations. If you'd care to email me I'd love to hear all about little Hannah! Maybe we could compare pictures of their scars. :) ____@____.com.

Hi R., sorry you are having troubles at home. I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. My husband was 32 (and I was 30) when we had our son and we still went through a tough time even though we had plenty of time to "play" before having kids. We simply adapted to our new roles at a different pace and in different ways. It was hard to remember that neither was right or wrong we were just different.

We went to counseling and it made a huge difference. We really need help with our communication skills and we still go to our counselor every now and again to stay on track.

I found my life improved imensely when I quit worrying about what he was/wasn't doing and focused on what I was doing. Whatever I couldn't do myself, just didn't need to get done. I also bought myself a drill and some yard working tools and felt very empowered when I quickly took care of things that I wanted done. These were things that would have taken weeks of waiting on my husband and probably several fights.

Good luck and hang in there!

Hi R.,
I don't know what the right thing to do is other than be sure you provide for your daughter. She is your first priority. I would speak to a lawyer and make sure you have child supprt, visitation etc all set up in the event that it doesn't work out with you and Hannah's father. I would have the papers all ready to go if they're needed. You have so much to deal with already. It sounds cold but you have to look out for yourself and your daughter. I know someone who went through something similar and she took the advice to have the legal things set up ahead of time and she thought it was the best thing she did. I have seen other women STRUGGLE after a breakup. You never know what people are capable of. Good luck to you.

Hello R.,

I have had a lot of experience in bad relationships. You will not be able to change your fiancee'. You either need to accept him for who he is and what he does or if it makes you unhappy(and it would me as well), you need to move on. You can keep him in your child's life, but I do not see that he even considers or cares about how you feel. Love don't work that way. You have my support whatever you decide to do because it is hard. But I wanted to let you know that the more you nag him to change the more rebellious he is going to be until you push him away completely. He may not be emotionally stable enough for a relationship at this time and he may be doing those things because he wants to push you away. As another woman who has been through similar situations, I care about what you are going through and how you feel. I hope whatever you decide that it will work out best for you and your daughter Hannah.

I see that you are a very strong woman, I have a lot of respect for you. The whole bringing home friends and somethimes them crashing on the couch would make me furious. I used to work nights and it is hard to come right home after you get off of work, even if you have a beautiful family there. It is especially hard if you know that they are sleeping and you are going to go home wide awake and sit by yourself. You should try to compromise with him. Once (or even twice)a week is sufficient to go out after work. It may be difficult, but you will definitely want hime to realize where his priorities lie before guys get married. He may be contributing to you both, but if he is doing something that really bothers you and won't stop then something has to change.

First off I want to give you huge (((hugs))) You sound like you're in a very difficult situation right now. I'm so glad to hear your daughter Hannah has made it through every obstacle so far...as you said.

I've never been in this exact situation before. But I can relate to some of the feelings you expressed. I was a young mom and young bride, having had a baby at 17 and getting married at 18. I'm 26 now.

(hope I'm not repeating any one else's advice... I didn't look and see)

I don't know how your conversations with your fiance have gone when you've brought up the subject. But my advice would be to use as many "I" statements as you can. For example insteand of saying "When you bring your friends home and they are on the sofa when I wake up, you really upset me." say "When I wake up in the morning and I see someone sleeping on my sofa, I feel...." I've learned that the moment I start making it about him..and saying "you this" and "you that"... he immediatly goes on the defence. And vice versa. I don't like it when I feel like he's pointing fingers at me.

No matter what my husband does, he doesn't MAKE me feel anything. My feelings are my own and I control them. There may be an inital reaction to something in my heart, head or gut. But what I choose to do with that feeling is up to me.

Also, don't threaten. I'm not saying that you do. But you mentioned, for example, staying with your mom for a bit. Don't threaten to do this. Just let him know, (not during an argument), that if this is how things are going to continue, you are going to consider different living arrangments...even if they are just temporary.

My husband and I have seperated twice. Both times, it was I who made the decision and left...with the children. I, too, went to my mom. It wasn't easy on the kids, but neither was living in an unstable enviornment where mom and dad argued all the time.

I have to say that it changed things and now I can't complain too much about my husband. He's grown up a lot. I have as well. Our seperations really helped me see things about myself that I hadn't recognized before. Now we don't really "fight" or "argue" anymore. I attribute that to two things... 1. we're too darn tired from rasing 5 kids to argue and 2. we'd rather just discuss things, when the kids are sleeping or not around. than to get all angry and mean and yell like we used to.

I do hope that your fiance sees that his behavior is having a serious affect on you and you're not just nagging. Perhaps you two can come to a compromise, so that it's a win-win. Also, do you ever get to "go out" or have friends over? I think if you don't, doing something for just you...and noone else, should be part of the compromise. Don't be afraid of being selfish... we all need time to ourselves.

I've gone on long enough. Sorry! ((hugs again)) to you and Hannah. (beautiful name by the way...one of my favorites!)

R.,

I see that you have gotten 23 responses to your posting. After reading them all, if you did, you are probably more confused. My 'advise' is to ask yourself what are reasonable expectations for a husband and discuss them with your husband (to be) and explain that with a family the requests are not demanding, it is life as a couple and family. Good luck.

D. C