HELP Son Is Out of Control

I feel for you alot because i just become a new mother and your son sounds like me when i was younger I am 23 now and can tell you that you should be very scared you might want to give him a at home drug test! just to be positive because when i was in school a few years ago everyone did something you need to be strict my parents were pushovers dont be afraid to bug him your the parent not him good luck just speak your mind and remember everything he does is your business!

Yes it is definetly his hormones and pre-teen there's no doubt about that. I think it may be who he is friends are or possibly he is not getting with a teacher at school. Is he talking on the phone frequently, staying out more so than before? Avoiding you and your husband and wanting to be alone?
I would be checking with his school to see who he is chumming with without his knowledge of course. This is an age where so much can change a child. Above all when you find that he is in a flexible mood, tell him he can speak with you or your husband at any time whether it be good or bad. Let him know that you know how there are changes in a childs life at this age and you understand this. Sometimes at this age its best to say nothing as well. He could just need space because of the change. I don't want to say that drugs could be a part of the picture but in this day and age one just never knows. Again, I would speak with his school, find out who his friends are, or perhaps ask him. Who are they, how are their parents etc. Is their children allowed to act out or do what they want? Children learn so much from their peers and want to be like them or they are bullied, or others don't want to be their friends. Its so hard growing up. Stand by him, give him space, if he's rude ask that he leave the room until he's ready to act rationally. Just really keep an eye on his time in/out, his friends if they come around. You will be surprised what you hear when they are together when they think your not listening. Most importantly let them know that you love them, your love is unconditional and you as parents are there for them.
Good luck and I hope this works for you.

Perhaps hormones, but not necessarily at 12 years old. Most that age II know (including my son) do not exhibit this.
Two things you can do that could transform the situation are
A. take him to a homeopath (write me for a referral). Homeopathy heals the emotions, mind and physical issues safely, effectively & permanently. Whether it is hormonal, mental, emotional or chemical, it is super effective at resolving imbalances, giving the opportunity to go forward with balance, peace and strength in all the right places. If drugs or the wrong crowd are the issue, the roots of these are also addressed quite well.
B, look at your diet and eliminate meats that are fed hormones and non-organic milk which are full of harmful hormones. These can trigger early and out-of-whack hormonal development.
Liz :)

I know a woman that pretended to have her child brought to juvenille hall after he was doing very similar things. She gave him a warning and told him that if he did it again, she would turn him into the authorities for lying and stealing. He did it again of course and so she called up the place and told them the situation and someone at the juvenille hall agreed to let her bring him in for a pretend lock up for a couple of hours. The mom played it off and the guard and everyone were all in on it and he never stole again!!

I have a 12 year old son, too. Since I've never been a 12 year old boy, I follow my husband's lead on trying to understand what he's going through. (Just as I will have my husband back off of my daugter when she starts to get hormonal since he can not ever completely understand).

Try and get your husband to remember what it was like around that age. It's very difficult being caught between kid and teenager. OK, maybe his voice isn't changing and he isn't getting hair quite yet, but at his age he certainly is starting to go through a crazy balance of hormones. I also read somewhere (probably here!!)that it gets really rough with mom because he is battling his feelings of being attracted to females and the love for his mom and it gets weird for them.

That being said, what do you do?? Well, I am certainly no expert as I am struggling to keep an open relationship with my own 12 year old boy. But I can tell you a few things... First of all, it is NEVER OK for him to be mean to his sister or disrespectful to you and your husband. He should have a consequence when he acts that way so he knows it won't be tolerated. Try, as hard as it is, to give the consequence in a matter of fact way (as opposed to yelling.) If you get visibely angry and/or yell, all he sees and hears is the anger and he won't fully get the point-- which is that you are disappointed in his behavior and that you are not allowing him to treat people poorly. Even if he shrugs it off outwardly, your son really doesn't want to disappoint you or his dad. I actually spoke with my son's pedicatrian because I know he has a son the same age, and he suggested that you sit at the end of his bed or some other opportunity when it's just you and him and see if he'll talk about his day. He said 9 out of 10 times, he'll shrug you off, but if you keep it up he will open up to you every now and then so don't give up. The key is not badgering him for information where he thinks you are prying into his life or accusing him of anything. Just gently ask if he wants to tell you anything about his day, and when he says no you need to respect that. This will show him that you are there when he really is ready to talk. Sure, he may be being bullied at school or there is a slight chance there is an issue with drugs, but chances are he just may be a "normal" 12 year old who is lashing out. School is getting more difficult, and it's really hard to focus on what the teacher is saying when there is a cute girl to stare at, when he's afraid the teacher may call on him and he'll say something dumb in front of the cool kids, when he is obsessed with the fact that someone may have seen him trip over his shoelace that morning, etc........ Understanding that there is a ton of stuff going on in his head doesn't make it any easier to deal with him lashing out at you, but it helps if you can understand where it's coming from. He has a RIGHT to all of his feelings, but he needs to find an outlet for them that doesn't involve being disrespectful. Some children (like my son) tend to internalize it and you start getting what seems like the cold shoulder, but I try to accept it when it happens because I know my son knows I love him and his dad and I are here when he does want to talk-- and sometimes he'll talk a mile a minute at the dinner table about his day (but not usually)

As for the stealing.... hmmmmm.... I haven't had that one specifically, but my 10 year old has been caught lying. We make a HUGE deal about what it means to be untrustworthy and that seems to have a big impact on her. For example, when she bickers with her brother over something stupid and I listen to both sides of the story and they are completely different, I let her know that I am inclined to believe her brother since she has shown herself to be untrustworthy recently. Also, what is he spending the money on?? Is he allowed to go to a store by himself?? If not, he is buying something from other kids at school. Find out what it is. It may not be drugs, but he is definately spending it on SOMETHING or he wouldn't bother to steal it, right?? Your husband needs to start leaving his wallet in a safe place and the same with your purse.

Hi Caroline,

That sounds like a scary situation! I've had some in depth training on a program called One Week Parenting Miracle. It's a program directed at pre-adolescent kids, more specifically kids who are angry. It not only helps the kids with their behavior, but helps parents understand how to change their own behavior to get positive changes from their children. The focus of the program is postive reinforcement, and the discpline techniques are very powerful in a firm but loving way. I highly recommend this, I think your whole family will benefit. Look at www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. I hope it will help you, good luck with your son!

E.

I agree that he maybe experimenting with drugs. I know 12 sounds like such a young age, but I remember kids doing drugs when I was that age. I know parents want to respect their kids privacy and I'm all for it, but if you really suspect something is wrong, search his room, talk to his school, or talk to his friends parents and see if their kids are displaying the same behavior. If you are really concerned about his anger maybe have him see a therapist. He may feel better telling an outside person than his parents. Sometimes being a good mom is "nagging him" and doing things he doesn't like. But you have to do what you have to do to find out what is going on with your son.