Help on Getting Husband to Be More Involved

M.,
I am in the same situation, I have a beautiful 2 month old girl. And I feel like my husband chooses not to help out. He gets frustrated so easily with her. We both work full time he gets off earlier than I do, so he will pick her up from daycare and take care of her until I get home but by that time he is ready to pull his hair out and it almost seems like he is upset with me. Like it is all my fault. I find my self resenting him but then I feel like a bad wife and mother. I guess like the other moms said it just takes time. It is good to know that I am not the only one out there that feels this.
Thanks

Hi M.,
Having a lil' one is a huge adjustment for all, but for some reason I think our hubbies have a delay in getting plugged in. Here are some suggestions that I have used or am currently using in our home:
1. Be specific--I am finding you can not be TOO specific with men-- in requesting help. Even write it out and divide up the housework, etc. If he can not help, hopefully he can pay for someone to help you both out.
2. Make sure you are each scheduling "M. Time" and "Your Hubby's name Time" each week where you have an hour or so to do whatever you want without lil' bit. It is hard to tear your self away, but you need to get away and make it a time for him and her.
3. My husband really gained a lot from "Happiest Baby on the Block" and now we are using techniques from "Happiest Toddler on the Block". It boosted his confidence both in the baby stage and toddler one. We found the DVD's on Blockbuster Online--maybe you do that or Netflix??
4. Reassure him that as she gets older she will be more inclined to gravitate to him....right now babies prefer mommy.
5. Beware on giving tips to him unless it involves safety or he asks....I think they don't take them well. I have found in backing off, that my hubby finds his own way and I learn a few things. I make sure to point out his skills as I learn from him so that he realizes he knows what he is doing. IF there is a topic he feels he needs guidance, I have recommended to my husband that we look for a resource together (even though I have a degree in psych and child development) because we need to formulate a plan together, and not automatically think I have all the answers.

Hang in there...it is difficult being a women these days. Yes, we get to work, AND do all the household stuff. I am not sure we have helped ourselves. I understand mommies running away---I shared this with my husband...I don't think they get it until we get real with them. Something else that we have done is we have a weekly DATE---ours is Wednesday---we discuss our weekend plans, our scheduled TIME, budget stuff, etc. to stay connected. We had to do this because even though we saw each other, we were not communicating. It has really helped.

Feel free to email--we could support each other.
K.

First -- how often do you and your husband have dates, or spend time together just talking about each other? With the baby around, this might not be top priority right now, but it needs to be. You have to remember that before you were parents, you were a couple.
Your husband might be feeling left out in a lot of ways because you are so enamored with motherhood that you've forgotten to be enamored with HIM. I think it happens to a lot of us.
I'm not sure how many people realize that having a baby is hard on a marriage for that very reason. You get caught up in the blissfulness of mothering, but men are easily overwhelmed at fatherhood and your asking, giving tips, etc. (which he will view as nagging, no matter how nice you are about it) only reinforces his feelings of inadequacy and makes him pull farther away.

Rather than trying to focus him on the baby, take a few steps to focus yourself on your husband. Start by greeting him at the door when he comes home (rather than hollering from the back of the house where you're playing with the baby). This is assuming you're a stay-at-home mom. If you're both working, make arrangements to share drop-off and pick-up duty at daycare. Having a "job" will help him feel needed, and less like you're the only one who needs to be involved in parenting. (letting him pick up is best -- he'll feel like her knight in shining armor when he sees her light up as he walks in the door)
Once everyone is home in the evening, let the baby play in her crib or playpen after dinner while you ask your husband about his day.
And make it a point to reserve time each day for the two of you. We try to make 8-9pm our "couple time" We might watch a TV show, eat ice cream together, play cards, whatever. And make date nights a priority. You may feel guilty for leaving the baby, but believe me, she needs you to have a happy marriage as much as you do.
As far as the baby: Speak less. I have learned that the less involved I am in "Daddy & Me" time, the more fun they both have.
One day, when she's awake and happy, get out of the house for about a half hour or so and leave them alone together. You might need to prepare him for it in advance though. Maybe go get a manicure or a haircut or something where it's just easier not to tote the baby along, but you won't be gone that long. Instead of telling him instructions, simply make sure he has what he needs (bottle, paci, etc.) If you want to let him know what her favorite toys or activities are, write them down or type them, leave the note on the table, and let him know it's there for his reference. On your way out the door, thank him for letting you get out and say "y'all have fun! Daddy's going to show you what Daddy's do for fun!"
And don't get upset if you return to find them both watching football, or she's been eating ice cream or whatever. It won't hurt her a bit and Daddy's just do things differently than we do :-). (I believe my daughter was about 4 months when I caught her grandfather feeding her peach cobbler -- she'd never even had baby food! I was mortified, but they said "you can't tell us what to do!" We all survived, and she adores her grandfather.)
And try not to ask 20 questions when you get back. (did she have a poopie? when did she have her bottle? how many ounces did she drink? etc. etc.).
Sorry for being long-winded, but I hope some of this makes sense and helps your predicament.

Great advice, everyone! I have a 4.5 month old daughter (I also work full time. Shop. Etc. Etc.) and I find it a struggle, too, to get dad involved. I feel as if I have to ask for everything (in his mind, I'm sure the asking is synonmous with nagging).

M. - does your husband work-out? We recently bought a jogging stroller and my husband likes to take our daughter on walks. Now that the weather is not so hot, maybe bundling both of them up can give them some quality time and give you some time in the house. Hopefully your husband isn't as anal as mine where you'll feel that the time spent alone in the house should be devoted to cleaning! Good luck - email me anytime. I can totally relate.

Hello M.. I don't know what religion you are, but I am a Christian, and prayer answers all things. Sometimes you try to do things on your own but see no results. That's when the Lord Jesus Christ can step in when you openly and honestly pray for your needs and he will fix them.

We had this same issue probably from 3-6 months or so. Because she did prefer me and because he didn't seem to know what to do. He had the same tendency to assume she "didn't like him" because she cried. For us this changed immeadiately when she began to interact more, sit up, crawl, say "da-da" now its hard to separate them. She's 8 1/2 months old now and he wants her as much or more than I do. So, try the other mom's suggestions - but more importantly give it some time.

I had the same problem, and it still happens after 2 1/2 years from time to time. I think we are programmed to think of the baby first from the moment of conception, so it's hard for them to feel the same way. My husband confessed one time that he didn't really know what to do with an infant. Now that my son is 2 1/2 they do more things together because he's more like a kid instead of a baby.

The only way your husband will build confidence with your daughter is to do it alone. If you are gone from the house the two of them will know it and they will work it out. Start small with 1.5 hours on Saturday. Then build up over the months. You go do something for yourself. This will not work if you are in the house. He will come to you for help. Your daughter will sence he is not in charge. If he is it she will adapt and know he can love and take care of her just like mommy. I hope this helps.

Happiest Baby on the Block is awesome, just like the other poster said. I tell ALL my friends to watch the DVD because it really helps the dads feel a bit more confident in what they are doing.

I normally don't try to critique the way my husband does something, because men will definitely get defensive.

When there is a lot to be done and you need help, ask for help and give your husband a choice of what he wants to do. "Hey honey, I really need some help. Do you think you can either help me feed the baby or go defrost something for dinner?" It makes men feel like they aren't being TOLD what to do, which helps a lot.

Try scheduling time when you're away from the house where he's in charge and let him do things his way. He'll eventually get the hang of it.

Hi M.,
I had a very similiar situation when I had my son. We both have never been around infants, so it was a huge adjustment for the both of us. I was BF him exclusively, so I was the one feeding him and taking care of him the six months of his life. Allot of it was that we did not communicate with each other very well. It is still a very sore subject for my husband because he was so uninvolved. Once our son was able to sit up, crawl, and interact more, my husband became more confident in his abilities to take care of him. I do get a manicure or haircut on the weekends, and I try to make the effort for them to be alone together. I realized that it is extremely important for them to have that bonding time together. Give up some time, have patience, communicate, and communicate some more.
Wish you the best!

Hi M.. I just had to respond to your post. I think a lot of dads feel left out at first because there is a very special bond between the mother and child. But, since my hubby works full time, we decided that he would take over the nighttime routine with our son. So, pretty much since we started giving him baths, my hubby has been doing it for the most part. He was scared at first, but I reminded him that I'd never given a newborn a bath either. so, he feels good about it because it is a special time that he and my son can bond by themselves. He gives him his nightly bath, dresses him in his pjs, reads him stories, then tucks him into bed every night. It's really sweet. Plus, it gives me about an hour to catch up on housework, or just sit down and zone out in front of the TV for a little bit!!! ;) Good luck!