Help! My Daughter Is 11 and She Constantly Complains and Whines.

We do as AV does.

My kids have had set chores since they were little.

And then if they want supper or lunch, they better darn well help out.

I'm not so much a punisher as if you help, you get to enjoy the rewards. So if they don't help with supper and show up and complain, well - you are free to not join us :)

I don't do whinging. I didn't with little ones either. Off you go. To their room, outside, I don't care. Just not around me.

If nothing is good enough for her, she can then do it herself. Don't take her words personally. Kids can be horrible. It's puberty. Expect for them to not like you at times.

What I have started doing (thanks to advice from here) is to reward my older kids like I did when they were younger. So if they actually do something that shocks me (like take the garbage out without me reminding) or if they shovel the walk just because ... even if it wasn't their chore to do .. we make a point of doing something fun. Take them out for hot chocolate. It was sledding this weekend. That catch them when they are good thing. Still works for tweens and teens.

Good luck :)

Think back to when she was 2 and whined and cried. Try to stay calm, not feed into it, and remind her to use her words. My mom used to say, "but nothing".

If you do not have set chores, consider a chore chart. I think it's better to have set chores than always be asked (as my DH prefers). We did something in college where we each had a room (rotated) and we had Friday night to Sunday night to do it. She can have all weekend...but if it's not done, then x will happen and she will have earned the consequence of that choice. My SD was amazingly motivated when it meant she could not go out to play til her room was done. For example.

If her words are hurtful, and you need space, consider sending her to another room (not necessarily to HER room if that's an entertainment center) until she can speak politely. And depending on the infraction, I've said, "Since you've made it clear you will neither help me nor speak to me with respect then x will not be happening." If I have to do the chore all by myself, then no, I'm not taking her to play at a friend's house. Or the craft store. Etc.

Hang in there.

ETA: You can also talk to her about what's going on at a non-volitile time. In the car when no one is looking at anyone is a good time for teen talks. Sometimes what comes out is "I hate you" and what they mean is "This is different and I'm scared so I'm lashing out." She is allowed to have emotions. She is not immune from the consequences of dumping those emotions on other people. Try to keep the long view when she ticks you off in the moment.

Read AV's response.

You have to get past the point of feeling it is "hurtful" - you are the parent and you cannot give your child that sort of power over you. Instead, you show her that there are immediate consequences for disobeying "the boss" (you/husband) which is a skill she will need going forward (teachers, coaches, professors, job supervisors). Little children WHINE - and they go to time out and they don't get screen time and they don't go to the mall or have sleepovers because they are too little. So she's not getting treated like an 11 year old if she acts like a 2 year old.

Take the attitude that she's going to do the chore - could be right now, could be in 10 minutes, could be next week. The longer it takes and the more aggravation she gives you, the more aggravation she brings on herself. So her problems are within her control.

I do agree that she should have regular chores, and I think you can allow her some flexibility in choosing those. She shouldn't get only the smallest jobs, but she doesn't need to get the worst ones either. So teach her how to negotiate so that everyone gets something they want. The discussion has to be respectful for her to have any participation - that's a privilege for tweens and teens. If she whines and whimpers, then she is being a child and you will make all the decisions. The chore agreement can be reinitiated at any time, but NOT instead of doing what's already on it. Does that make sense? She can't bail out on a task at that exact moment by saying, "I want to renegotiate." That's not how it works.

But if she has to get stuff done at certain times, you'll have fewer occasions when you say "Do X right now" and she gets annoyed because she didn't see the task coming. She can, and should, help on the spur of the moment, but if most things are within her control and have a deadline but some flexibility about exactly when she does them, she may become more mature.

And the more work that gets done without time spent arguing, the more all of you get to do fun stuff.

ETA: I see you responded to your own question to blast Suz T. FYI since you are a new member, let me help you by explaining that the way to respond is to add and edit (Edited To Add) to your question, or put something in the "So What Happened" section. Putting it as a separate response is more likely to see it lost in the many other answers. This is an internet forum and you may not like every response or the exact way someone responds to you. So you either answer it, or you ignore it and take the advice from the other responses. I think what you took as insulting was a response to your comment that your child "always" does this and has a terrible attitude and you have no idea what to do. So you implied this has been going on for a long time - which does put more of a spotlight on parenting than a short phase a kid is going through. You focused more on how hurt you are than on what strategies you have already used and what else you might try in the future. I think you'll do better long term on Mamapedia if you get to know the people here (and Suz T. is a wise and respected member) and consider that perhaps there was important info missing from your question that would have helped more. Perhaps you misread her intent just as some others might have misread your message. Just suggesting there be a meeting of the minds. If you are super sensitive to your own kid's words, is there a slight possibility that maybe you are overreacting to something you read here? You can't read tone or nuance or intent in a written response of course - it's not like a face-to-face or even a phone conversation, after all.

We just never had that much trouble from our son over chores.
We've always promoted the notion that 'many hands make light work' and 'everybody helps - it doesn't matter what it is'.
If I can't sit down at the end of a long day at work (I have to get supper going, start laundry, etc) then no body else sits down until I can.
Our son gets ingredients out, thaws frozen things in the microwave, gets the pots/pans, starts warming up the oven, etc and helps with meal prep.
He does his own laundry, cleans his own bathroom, fills/empties dishwasher, takes out trash and recycling, helps with cleaning out cars, puts air in tires, pumps gas, helps with gardening and yard work, will get the mail, etc.
He's been helping with age appropriate tasks since he was 7 or 8 and at 17 now, he's got many life skills down pat.
I think maybe you all need to look at what you all do and make every family member a full participant in all activities.
Everybody works - everybody helps - and nobody whines about it.

Additional:
Aw, come on now.
No need to be getting this upset over some advice you didn't find helpful.
Personally I didn't see anything wrong with it but I think I'm beginning to see where your feelings get hurt somewhat easily.
It's not saying anything about 'bad parenting' - it's a matter of what you've tried so far isn't getting the desired result and trying something else might give you some different results.
Parenting is all a bit of trial and error - what works for one kid doesn't necessarily work for another.
Take it easy, keep an even keel, and don't let your daughter get under your skin.

Original Post:
Help! My daughter is 11 and she constantly complains and whines.
"Everytime her Dad and I ask her to hrlp out or do something, she whines, complains and always answers with "But Mom!". Nothing is good enough for her and her attitude stinks. Her words can be very hurtful. I'm not sure what to do! "

Sounds like both my 10 and 12 years olds. This is normal for that age. I just ignore it and still make them do whatever it is I was telling them to do, and if they continue to whine they sometimes get extra work as well. If it is a paid chore and they whine and complain then the money gets cut back.

I get that words can be hurtful, but we have to remember that kids say things they don't always mean. When ever my son tells me he hates me I respond with "Well I love you". If he says it over and over I just keep repeating I love you over and over as well.

My dd does that too. I usually tell her if it continues, I will take away her phone or any other device that she plays on. I have followed through a number of times and she knows I mean it.

It's the age and hormones. But she still has to listen to mom and dad and keep her comments to herself before she winds up on restriction. At this age, kids don't have a filter on their mouths and they do get into trouble.

She feels ungrateful. Take a trip to a shelter and let her help serve meals to the people there so that she can correct her attitude. Have a list of chores for her to do including her laundry. No time like the present to learn how to sort and wash her clothes. Also you could have her start prepping dinner and cooking. In the old days kids were preparing family meals at her age for the whole family. Trust I was one of them.

As for the whining, do not answer her. What did you do when she was 2 and whined? Do the same thing on a larger scale. She might lose a few privileges like no trip to the mall or a movie with friends.

Time for mom to grow a bit tougher skin. If most of us moms were as sensitive as you say, we would all be hurt and in tears. Stand up for yourself. The teen years are fast approaching and if you don't get a handle on it now it is going to be a wild rollercoaster ride.

Model what you want from your daughter in her presence. Include the manners and consideration in there as well. You are the parent and she is the child. What you say goes no discussion and argument. Ask your daughter this: "If your friends were at the cliff and wanted to jump off would you do it?" The answer should be no from her. You can be friends when she is grown. I had survived a son and daughter age 42 and 38 through their tween and teen years. They are now both productive adult citizens of the world and self-sufficient.

Kids will try out their wings on you and you have to know when they are and sometimes bring them back to earth. Perhaps some counseling for you on child rearing is in order. Remember, this, too, shall pass.

the other S.

PS Please remember we moms on here are from age 14 to 80. We respond with what we have experienced and how we have coped with similar situations. No one wants to put you down. The written word does not show facial expressions. We want you to succeed as a parent. Just remember some of the things that you did at that age and go from there (the good/bad/ugly).

Suz.T this comment is directed to you. How dare you insult my parenting. I am a good mother simply reaching out for a little help along along a bumpy road. I suppose you have children that are perfect! I wasn't asking to be insulted. I was asking for insiteful advice or suggestions. But because you think I don't know what I'm doing, maybe I shouldn't have. Ever hear the saying "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"!!

This is a challenging age! From my experience with my daughter, a lot of attitude came from watching how other girls her age act. Sort of like trying on new personalities. I read a book called Between Baby Dolls and Boyfriends (can't remember author, but it was on Amazon). It helped put lots of things in perspective about this age. It is all topics pertaining to tween girls. But yeah, lots of things I would hear from my daughter I would realize I had just heard come out of her friends mouths days before. Stinkers. Good luck!

You've gotten some good replies and a variety of approaches. I want to add that you can re-read AV's first post below, especially the end: Talk to your daughter but only when it is a calm time. She's old enough to talk with you about this, but not in the heat of a moment when she has just been whining and resisting you.

When things are good, take her somewhere neutral like a coffee shop. Then maybe say something along the lines of, "Honey, I know that when we ask you to do certain chores you don't want to do them, and then we both end up with raised voices. I'd like to end that and I want to ask you what you think we can do to make chores work for all of us." Let her feel she has some input here.

Suggest chore charts to her but I would say that they will be not just for her (and any siblings) but that you and dad will be on that chart as well, every week. Tell her, "That seems fair, that we all are on the chart. That way we all know what to expect -- it won't come as a surprise to you if we ask you to do X, and you can set aside time for that instead of feeling we're pulling you away from your own time." An all-family chart also will help show her that running any household day to day just takes a lot of small and large chores by everyone. It really helped tamp down my own daughter's attitude when we pointed that out -- the fact that we all have chores that help each other out every day.

Whether you pay for chores as allowance or "by the chore" is totally up to you. Our credo is, "Payment for special chores but not for the ones that just keep things running." So no payment for taking out trash or cleaning up the bathroom when asked etc. but yes, I'll pay for projects like tidying up the linen closet or helping me clear out the pantry etc. But all that is up to each family's preferences and attitudes about money and chores, so figure out what works for you and for her.

I'd let her know that there are always times when she'll be asked to do something not on her chart and asked to do it right away. That's just life. If the trash can's just overturned and you need her to come that minute because something's leaking all over the floor and you need hands to help clean it fast etc.--that's pitching in. And be sure to tell her she's appreciated (tell her more than you, as an adult, think is needed; it's easy for us adults to think we shouldn't over-praise a kid for "just doing what needs doing," but it really doesn't hurt to give plenty of thanks and at other times just say, "I notice you've been doing a lot when asked lately and I really appreciate it. We do notice that stuff!"

PMS. Her body is going crazy right now. Make sure you have pads her size on hand and that she should have access to them when she needs them.

Consider half a Midol.

Well, one sure way to make sure kids keep whining is to give in to them when they do it (or even listen to it, because listening to it gives it credibility). I tolerated more whining from my younger than I did for my older as a preschooler (my bad I know) and now I'm paying for it with a whiney kid. I'm trying to backtrack now, and put an end to it but it's harder than it would have been up front. So I know where you are coming from.

Here's my current strategy - I don't listen to whining. If I hear it, the offender has to go directly to his room. There is no length of time attached - the rule is that he can come back down anytime he's done whining and has accepted my answer.

If the whining is mostly about helping with chores, then make a chore chart that has both positive rewards and negative consequences. At 11, does she get an allowance? We just set up an allowance system in our house. Kids have both a chore chart and an allowance. If they complete their chore chart, they get the allowance. If they don't, they don't. There is also an 'extras' list that they can do to earn extra money. This works well for my kids because they want to earn enough to buy a gaming system. If $ isn't a reward for your child, maybe the reward is earning points, and when she gets XX number of points, she can take a friend to do an activity. Or whatever - you have to pick something motivating for your child.