Hi! This is a half vent have request for ideas. My mom is driving me crazy! It has only gotten worse during the holidays. For example, she, I or my sister will send an email about something (say coordinating a gathering, asking a question,etc). But EVERY time lately she will call one (or usually both) of us as a follow up and give little time to even have us respond. Hello!? The email is sent b/c it is deferred conversation--not an emergency you know? I know a lot of times I"ll send an email late at night when I remember something and it's too late to call but I don't want to forget.
Just today my sister sent an email about bringing food on Christmas day--basically confirming details we've all talked about ON THE PHONE already. The email was sent two hours ago and my mom called me to ask if I had gotten it. Yes, I got it. But the kids are home from school, we are busy doing stuff to get ready for Christmas and it's my daughter's bday (BTW, she called her separately for a birthday wish so it was not a combo call) so I haven't replied to the email. (I know I'm on here now but I needed to get this out there!)
I got really frustrated with her because this was an unnecessary convo. Oh, and you can never have a quick convo. with her--she is the queen of tangents and each call is a min. 20 minute conversation--that's why we email quick questions sometimes! We all talked about the details yesterday, my sister confirmed it all in an email and they both knew I wasn't going to the store until tomorrow. I even told her today that it was not a prioritiy for me right now and geez, it had only been two hours!
That is the most recent example but it's been happenign for months now. Driving my sister crazy too.... My mom is not new to email so this isn't really a technology thing IMO but I can't figure it out. I hate to stop answering the phone altogether (especially when she's knows I'm probably available) but the redundancy is driving me nuts.
I try to remind myself that I am lucky to have a mom (b/c a lot of my friends no longer do) and that usually works but I guess it is the stress of the holidays that is making me less patient. Do you all have any advice? TIA!
Sounds like mom just wants a personal conversation. The art of conversation is dying because of e-mail, face book, etc. If you don't want to talk to her, don't answer the phone. But then don't be offended when you call her and she doesn't answer for you!
I am sorry, this is not funny, but it made me laugh when you said her conversations are 20+ minutes. Sounds like my mom! She will call me, say she needs to go and continue to talk for another 5-10 minutes. She will tell me again that she needs to go and still talk. Do you think maybe she is forgetful? My mom is only 60 years old, but has had some really bad stress over the past 5 years. Her memory is NOT good. She will tell me something and repeat it with no clue she told me 5 minutes ago.
She also could just be lonely and use this is an excuse to call? I hope it gets better. The good news is, that the stress of the holidays is almost behind us :)
Tomorrow is the 12th anniversary of my mom's death. So, while you find your mother annoying, she isn't going to be around to bug you forever.
I assume you have caller id, use it. Call her back when you have a moment.
She just isn't nearly as busy as you are so it seems more urgent to her. Just let your voicemail pick up. She'll get the hang of it. And to help you with the frustration of it all, you're right you are lucky to have her at all, my Mom died 6 years ago and I'd give anything to have a mindless conversation with her...Have a wonderful Christmas and give her a huge hug for me!! :)
That's what answering machines are for! LOL
She sounds pretty lonely to me. I think you're right and you need to look at it from a different perspective. She is probably trying to fill some kind of void and she has no one else to reach out to. Are your kids old enough to talk to her on the phone? I love sticking my daughter on the phone with relatives when I am otherwise preoccupied.
Yes, you and your sister are busy, but instead of letting it annoy you, just don't answer the phone when it's not convenient for you. You should try to have a little more patience for your mom especially because it is the holidays. Please don't let the details of shopping, parties, cookies, other Christmas distract you from enjoying time with your family.
Stop answering the calls. I get too many calls a day. People know I am busy and will call as soon as I have time.
I never accept calls while working.. I just don't.. and so you being a mom all day is just like work.. You are busy and cannot take calls right now.
That is what I do.. I put it on vibrate and collect the messages, when I have time, then I respond.. many times with another email.
Your Mom has no idea of your schedule and how busy your life is. She doesn't have a billion things going on, so waiting 2 hours for an e-mail reply is like an eternity. And maybe she's a planner and likes to know that everyone has the information and knows what needs to be done.... or maybe she's got anxiety about an occasion or event and this is how it presents itself.
I would just take a breath when you answer the phone. If she starts on her 20 minute tangents just tell her, " Mom, I really want to hear what you have to say and right now I have 20 things happening and I can't talk. Can I call you later when things slow down here?" And as far as the e-mail thing goes, maybe you don't have to reply to the message at length. Maybe you can just shoot a quick message that says...Busy day... I'll respond to this in more detail when I get a minute.
The holidays are a busy time and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your mom, but she has these little quirks. I think it's pretty normal. Remember to take care of yourself during these hectic days!
Happy Holidays!
Only answer her call when you know you have the time for that 20 plus min conversation.
My Mom likes to chat, too.
I work from home and have a teleconference meeting schedule.
If she calls me 10 min before my next meeting first thing I tell her is "I'd love to chat but I've got a meeting in 10 min. Can I call you back later?" and then I call her when the meeting is done.
It could be she's not remembering things were all discussed the day before.
Is she on any cholesterol medication?
I had a horrible reaction to a statin I was on and my joints and memory were horrible till I quit taking it.
Once I was driving down a road I knew like the back of my hand for many years and for 10 min I had no idea where I was.
I got something at the super market (because we finished a jar of it recently), but I forgot I'd already replaced it the day before - for 5 days in a row! I was getting a bit worried when my shelf was getting overstocked with the stuff.
Seriously, some medication(s) can really mess up your memory and if your Mom's having a medical issue or a side effect you might want to have a word with her doctor about it.
Just talk to your mom when you can. Email just ruins everything for some people and can be annoying too. As for quick convos, you are responsible for training her on how to get off the phone when you need to. Answer the phone when the opportunity is okay to you. She sounds bored and lonely.
Have you tried telling your mother that this bugs you? Perhaps tell her that you will make a point to call her a couple of times during the day while asking her to not call. And perhaps don't send her all the messages. If they don't require a comment from her don't send it.
I suggest she does this because she's lonely and wants to be a personal as opposed to impersonal e-mail part of the plans. Even tho she knows how to use e-mail, it's not the personal way of talking that she's used to.
It's also fair to say, it's not a priority for me right now. I've got to hang up and then hang up. Remind her that you've got kids and oodles to do and then after that don't stay on the phone. Be gracious but definite.
So.....find a way to get both of your needs met.
I hate to say it but you will probably have to just stop taking her calls for a while. Let her leave messages. Then don't call back until it's a good time for YOU.
She'll eventually get the hint, but she won't be happy about it....expect some grumbling (even if it's just to herself) about how cold, distant, unreachable and unreliable you are.
But at least you'll have some peace!
I would tell my mom that this is bothersome in a kind way. My mom is getting better with texting, so we have a system where she sends me a text saying "call me" when she needs something urgent. Otherwise, she knows that I can't always pick up my phone! My mom calls me for everything, but it doesn't bother me. I do, however, want to know if something is urgent- hence our little system!
You could also try occassionally not answering your phone. I would also suggest adding something into your emails that explicitly says "This is just a confirmation from our chat today. No need to follow-up with a phone call!"
Does she live alone? She could be bored and just want some company and some people prefer to have conversations rather than just by email. Both of my parents live in town but since my dad stays busy with his stuff all day, my mom gets bored and we talk every couple of days. She and I both enjoy keeping in touch even when I get busy with work, the kids, the house, etc.
It could just be that your mom needs that conversation and human interaction as opposed to doing your conversations over email. While our generation finds technology to be necessary to help us get things done, it is not something our parents grew up with and can seem impersonal to them. Try looking at it from her point of view and maybe she just needs human interaction. You have the kids and other things to keep you so busy and she might just not have enough to take her mind of her boredom or loneliness.
my dad is like this as well and he met his second wife online, so I KNOW he is not technology-limited. I think they are lonely. This gives them a perfect excuse to call with nothing more than a confirmation in mind. I try to tolerate it, but seriously I think he calls every single time my hands are full. I can let it go to voice mail I am sure, but I have this nagging need to constantly answer my phone. I will do it even if one hand is wiping poo, and the other holding the baby oil. He will be like "oh just wondering if you got the message and if you needed any more things?" It wouldn't be as annoying if he actually would show up at said, place at said time, and bring the required things. Well he is my dad and that's that. Not much you can do, and just let it be something you remember about your mom later on!!!
I'm in a similar situation as you. My mom can drive me bonkers but I'm so thankful to have her. She calls me all of the time and my life is nuts with two little kids, etc. I try to remember, however, that if she didn't call me, that would be upsetting too, so I find a balance. Answer her call and try to come up with an excuse for having to go once the conversation becomes repetative. My mom will call me and sit on the phone sometimes while she is playing computer games or watching TV....then comment on what she's seeing....like I'm sitting right there with her on the couch. I try to remind myself that this stage of her life is really boring. We (her children) and 6 and 10 hr drives away; she is retired. Makes me sad to think that my children will someday be as busy as me and not want to be bothered by my petty life. It's sad, really. I want to remember that I need to be very involved in activities all through my lifetime so I never feel so bored. :( Lastly, my mom doesn't have a ton of friends so we are all she has. :( If your mom is that way too, this really explains it.
If this is new behavior, maybe it is a sign that there is something medically going on?? Just be watching her for other things. BUT if someone calls me all the time I do not answer unless it is convenient and I can be patient. That is pretty much my rule for everything. I do not sign up for anything extra unless I really want to do it and I do not go anywhere unless again I can do it with a happy heart. And to the person who says that someone talks to them while they play games on the computer. I immediately say "Oh I'm sorry I see your busy doing ______, call me when you need to talk." and I hang up.
It is called boundaries and it is not good to continue doing things that aggravate you because it will end badly.
