Help! Is My Childhood Friend Using Me as a Free Hotel?

tell her that you like seeing her, but that you only have a couple of days available. tell her you have plans to go away...even if you don't! If you can't be totally honest with her, this would be a good alternative.

Contact her and let her know that you received her card and that you're really excited about her upcoming visit; however let her know that you won't be able to host her in your home this year and that she'll need to make arrangements for other overnight accommodations. Finish it up with something like I wanted to let you know with plenty of time in advance so that you can find some place else to stay. I don't think you need to give a reason; if she presses the issue just let her know that you simply cannot do it this year but you're more than happy to meet up with her when she is in town.

My sister did something similar around the holidays when I was 30 weeks pregnant and on 'modified duty' - aka not bed rest but 'sitting with my feet up at work and at home, no standing or moving if necessary'. She invited herself and her family (including her husband and two girls, 4 and 2) to my house for the Christmas holidays. Mind you, she already carried and birthed two children (and if you ask her, the pregnancies were more medical illness than they were pregnancy) but could not understand why I did not want to entertain visitors over the holidays. I initially replied to her e-mail stating that, given my condition I didn't think I would be up to hosting a house full of guests. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her and I became the 'evil, hateful sister' who 'didn't want to be with family'. I reminded her that, in my somewhat compromised state, I didn't need any extra stress and that all I was capable of doing was laying around on a couch. She finally got the hint but still made the whole thing about her and took it personally.

I like the other posts about honesty. You don't want to get caught in a lie and all of this blow up into a bigger deal than it is. Since she didn't come out and ask if she could stay with you, I would just send her a note and say something like, "let us know where you are staying, perhaps we can meet for a drink." This doesn't invite her to your home, but lets her know you would like to see her while she is here visiting her "other friends"...at least that is what her note said! If she calls and asks if she can stay, just say that this year isn't going to work out...no explanation needed. If she's bold enough to ask you why not, you should have enough courage to tell her the truth...just my thoughts. Good luck...these tough friend situations aren't fun...

If she is really your friend, just be honest with her. That is always the easiest, because it comes from your heart. If you start making up excuses and giving phony stories, it will show.

Tell her you are uncomfortable with her camping at your house, but you look forward to seeing her when she comes. Suggest doing things that you used to do, go dancing, movies,...then she will know you still care about her, you just don't want the whole family in the house for a week.

I agree with the other post. You don't have to explain yourself, just let her know ahead of time that you can't have her this year. I am the same way and often get caught before I know how to handle social things --I end up going and having a horrible time or hosting a precious weekend at home that I wanted for quiet and relaxation (my husband has family who do the same 'staying like a hotel thing' and in this case fortunately you have some time. It is your home. You don't have to let her stay. Perhaps you will be having your home deflead or something that weekend (nobody likes fleas)or something if she gets persistent. What does your husband think?

first don't plan to close the daycare that week, then use daycare as your excuse - say this, "Licensing is getting really strict and we can't have anyone stay in the house that hasn't had a background check, a physical and fingerprinting. I heard they closed down a home daycare cause of this very thing and so I am SO SORRY but if you come up here you can not stay at my house anymore. But I'd love to visit with you while you are in town! What was the date again, I'll write it on my calendar."

Kinda half true... I'm also a home daycare provider btw, and technically this is true, if someone is staying at your house they do need all that, but they don't ever worry about short term guests as far as I know, but your friend doesn't need to know that!

Hi J.:
I think you need to tell your friend that she is welcome to visit, but not during your vacation because you need the time to relax & spend it with your family.
If you want to see her, ask her to make your house one of her visiting stops - but do not offer for her to stay there.

Good Luck,
Deb G.

I would tell her that you're going to be very busy that week and will not get a chance to see her. Tell her that you hope she has a great birthday celebration though. This will give you a chance to see how she reacts when she discovers she can't stay at your house.

Sounds like she is intruding on your life. Don't let her do it anymore. Sounds like you need to set boundaries with this one.

If you're more comfortable being 100% honest, just tell her how you feel and that you would prefer if she stays somewhere else.

Tell her it just won't work for you and send her a list of motels in the area.

My own sister from North Carolina told me that two nights would too much for myself, my husband and my one child. We only stayed one night. I think it's rude to stay somewhere more than two nights unless it is your mother. I can't remember the last time I spent a week at anyone's place except for my mother who always insists. You've given enough. Give her a hotel quote from Hotwire.

Ooh. I feel your frustration. If she let you know that she's planning on hanging out and celebrating with old friends, perhaps (hopefully?) she's trying to let you know that she's making other lodging arrangements? Maybe invite her spend just an afternoon with you and your family at your place, but not the whole time. Or more specifically say something like, I know that you've got a busy agenda for your visit, but maybe you guys could come over on such and such day to barbeque. Or something like that. Hopefully she'll get the point that you're inviting her for a few hours, not a few days...
Good luck!

I suggest some honesty. Tell you don't feel you can accommodate her staying with you but will help her look for an alternative location ( only if you really can help). I have out of town siblings that have done this to me....and I agree, while I love to see then, I feel really put out when they arrive with more needs than I had anticipated, stay longer than I was prepared for, and expect me to provide them with food ( on their schedule), transportation, etc. I broke the cycle by telling them flat out, I love seeing them, but can't rearrange my life for their visits. Last time they were up they arranged to stay with me the first night and last night of their stay ( I live close to the airport), and stayed with another friend for the 2 nights inbetween. All of us were happy with the arrangement, and while it upset all our lives for a bit, it never had the "burden" feeling.

Since you run your business out of your home, you can hide the truth somewhat by telling her you can't afford to take the time off of your job...and then don't take that time off while she is in(take another time off if you'd like) . If she makes a "surprise" visit, your daycare kids will set the stage for your cover, and you're in the clear.

Yes, it definitely sounds like she is taking advantage of your hospitality, especially if she is spending most of her time with others. I agree with the other posters who suggested telling her that while you would love to get together while she is in town, you will not be able to host her and her family at your house this year. If she's planning to come while it's your vacation, tell her you need that time to spend with your family. If the trip is scheduled for when you're not on your 2 week vacation, tell her your simply too tired and stressed after working all day to host guests whether they are there most of the time or not (You'd still have extra work keeping changing sheets, preparing meals for more people, cleaning up after them etc...). If she is offended or mad about this, then she is not really a true friend.

J., I have been in that position before. You can tell your friend that you hope she has a Happy Birthday and ask her what her plans are. Let her know that you and your family have made some plans and will be unable to accommodate her when she comes to town. If she is celebrating with old friends and college roommates she should stay with them. And please J., do not feel guilty for telling her NO!

Tell her you would love to meet her for dinner one night to "catch-up" on the happenings of the past year and that it is no longer feasable for her to stay at your home; you're too busy with your business and it already puts stress on your private family time. You simply can no longer have the added stress of more people...your home seems to be getting more conjested than you can deal with. Tell her "I know you'll understand because we've been friends for so long". If she continues to press you, you'll have to come straight out with NO! If that happens, she's not the type of friend you want any longer.

Yes, I agree with everyone else, she is using your home as a hotel. But she doesn't see how it's an inconvenience and hardship to you, she actually probably thinks she's a gracious guest, since she can let herself in and out without "troubling" you.
You don't mention whose idea this visiting arrangement initially was, and if she asks you ahead of time which weeks work for you. So I can only assume that since it's tradition now that she stays at your house each summer, she just tells you when she's coming and you go along with it each time without complaint. That IS like calling a hotel and putting in reservations. However, the hotel can always say, "We're sorry, we have no availability for that time," and that is just what you should say this time.

You don't have to get into a big explanation about it, just say that you have a lot going on that week (whatever week it is she wants to stay) and that it really wouldn't be the best time for you. You sound like you wouldn't mind her staying once in a while, for a shorter period of time, so allow her to stay occasionally, but do tell her when it is convenient for YOU for her to be at your house, and for how long. It's your home and you call the shots. That's not saying "No" but it does make it inconvenient for her. She may appreciate her time at your house more if it wasn't always available.

(My husband and I [and now our young son as well] have often stayed at relatives houses for a few days up to over a week, and friend's houses for up to a few days, and we have opened our home to family and friends as well. But the host has always been the one to invite, we never invite ourselves, even if we have stayed there many times before. We never stay as long as they want us to, and we always clean up as if we were never there. The only place we ever "crash" at is my parents', because they'd be offended if we stayed anywhere else!)

hi J.,you should tell your friend how you feel,because a true friend will understand and you should always be able to tell her the truth and the friendship should remain friendly,if she is your friend.

if you dont like it simply say "no" if she asks. I dont know why we woman live with so much guilt. The Lord wants us to give with a joyful heart. if you have grown apart a bit thats ok- you may become closer at another time in your life. there is no reason you should be uncomfortable in your own home and if she asks to stay with you simply state you would feel more comfortable if she stayed somewhere else. Good Luck!

You should tell her how you feel. If she wants to get an attitude, then she was not a real friend anyway.

It seems to me that she would think that you would not want to be saddled with her every year.

I hope she can see your side of the coin.

Just gather a list of hotels and phone numbers. Send them to her and tell her that you's love to have a day together, but that you have too much going on with the kids getting older, and you need to have your week off be a bit more family oriented. Tell her you were glad to see that she was having some additional activities because that would help fill the gap. Do it ASAP

Yes, she is using you. Next time she plans to come to the area,I would just tell her that unfortunately you are going to be too busy to have house guests. Period. No need to explain what you're going to be busy doing...(maybe you'll be busy resting!...or having dinner out....or reading a book!) You and your family come first...and you aren't a hotel!

Hi J.,
I would keep it very simple. Contact her and say that you are so excited to see her when she comes into town, and then say that you are really sorry but they are not going to be able to stay with you. I would just let her know that it is not a good time for your family to have company staying over.

Be firm, otherwise she will never stop using you as a hotel.
Good luck, R.

hi J.,

Time to stand up for yourself! Tell her you love seeing her, but it's hard on your whole family to have them at your home. You hope they'll find nearby quarters and you totally look forward to seeing her when she is in town.

Good luck!
S. F.

I don't know that this is your friend's intent, however, if you are not okay with this then you should tell her. You are sending her one message and meaning another. I don't think anyone likes that to happen to them. You have to be able to take people at their word.

It sounds like the problem is on your end...not hers. That's okay , you just need to know how to deal with it. I would guess that the inablility to say "no" is not just in this area but other area's of your life as well. I would recommend a book that has helped me and many other people that I know. There is a whole series of Books by Henry Cloud on Boundaries. There is the beginning book...Boundaries...then...Boundaries with Kids...Boundaries in dating...Boundaries in marriage...the one I would recommend is Boundaries Face to Face. It talks specifically about this kind of problem. I hope you find it helpful.

K. P