HELP!!!! I Thank My Lil Girl Hates My Boyfriend of Almost 3 Years.

OK--your time frame is very confusing to me--you've been "together" with your BF for almost 3 years and she's known your BF since before she turned 2......
Anyway, A., this next remark isn't aimed at you but all the moms with boyfriends....STOP! Stop leaving your kids with boyfriends! Are you aware what a HUGE percentage of little girls are harmed by the boyfriend's of the moms? Can anyone out there possibly NOT have seen the statistics?
There is a chance, however slim, that you daughter is a very good judge of character and this guy hurts her, bugs her, etc. But now you've got a baby with him too.
I'm sorry, and I'm 99.9% sure I will get flagged for this but mothers need to put them and their kids first and NOT their boyfriends! They need to stop making baby with man after man.....these kids depend on their mothers for love, protection, guidance and example.

Reading over your words: "when he asks her to do something," "when he asks her to get him something," ".. tells her to go play. "

So, does he ever treat her like a good daddy too? Does he play with her, get her things, do things for her -- or does he just boss her around?
She "sees him loving on Lucas." Does he love on her equally?

Besides, and this is me being judgmental (sorry), If he's a good guy, wouldn't he want to marry you by now? How do you stand that?

Is her real dad a good guy? Many times people pick the wrong guy over and over. Maybe he wasn't a great dad either.

That said, both of them could be a great guy and she just hates your leaving or not getting your full attention when he's around. She may be very close to you and very untrusting of guys in and out of her life. My grandchild doesn't like being with her dad alone as much because he tries to discipline her in a more scary way for a little child than my daughter does. She does time outs, gets down on her level and talks to her, etc. She doesn't look down on the child and raise her voice or issue an ultimatum.

How do you know she's not a problem to him when he's alone with him. Because he said so? Do you know that for a fact?

Anyway, I too hate the thought of boyfriends watching a child at that age when they are helpless. Is he watching her while you work? Not a great idea. Most men aren't born to be loving, caregivers of children type. Even many of the really great guys. If he is short with you a lot, just think how short or angry he could be with her when you're not around. Anyway, I'm just asking questions for you to consider since you didn't include that information. I'm not trying to assume that he is.

I think what you are experiencing is pretty normal and that she doesn't hate your boyfriend, rather she hates that her mommy has to leave. If it were your boyfriend who did the primary caregiving she would probably cry when he left her with you. I can only suggest that maybe the two of them find or create something really extra super special between just the two of them and one afternoon when you aren't going anywhere he could get her involved in that super extra special thing, then do this a few times. This will also give you and your son time together or a chance for you to relax get some you time in at home which for mommies I know can be rare. After this sorta special time or game or project becomes real comfy and is looked forward to and completely enjoyed even though you're available and she knows you're right there...she may get over the fear that spending time alone with your boyfriend doesn't mean you are abandoning her and that the time with him is fun and enjoyable. Now this worked with my daughter but I can't be sure this will end your babies' paniked tears when you say goodbye.

Also, this may just be one of those age appropriate emotional whirlwinds that changes a childs behavior...that constant, crazy, multiple personalityike cycle that children normaly go through, it's one heck of a
rollercoaster ride they take us on, but hey we jumped in line for it.
You might wanna simply talk her through her emotions, she may not just have the words to express what she's feeling which definately adds an element of frustration to the sea of emotions she's already feeling when she has to watch you leave...I think I'd scream and cry to if I felt out of control insignificant and incapable of telling you off for making me feel that way. So give her a sense of importance and control when you leave discuss it with her...validate her feelings and help her work though them. She might still cry but you'll at least ease her heart :)

It is not uncommon for children to have a similar reaction to anyone but their mother. I am confused though, your daughter is 3 and you have had the boyfriend for 3 years and he has been in her life since she has been 2, I guess the time is confusing.
Sounds like a lot has gone on recently, maybe once she sees that he is here to stay she'll be more excited about him.

I agree with Cathy H. The first thing I picked up on is that he asks her to get things, do things and go play. So maybe mommy plays with her and he doesn't. So when you walk out the door no more fun. And since he is lovin' on your son maybe she wants the same loving too. Why doesn't she see her real dad? Is he also not too fatherly toward her? It's a tough one, by the info given and time line. Maybe you should watch your BF in action and see how he relates to her and give him pointers as to not favor your child together more than the child that is not his bio kid. IMO

Somethings not right. These ladies have all given very good suggestions. I too have a 3 year old and she can very easily tell me when something is bothering her and what that is. Have you asked your daughter? Please don't do it in front of your boyfriend. Try not to lead her in anyway. Simply ask "mommy notices sometimes that you get sad when you have to stay with XXX- how come??"

I am not saying that you shouldn't use mommy radar and be concerned. Mother and person needs to be aware that even those we love can be evil.
But behavior is often normal at this age. Different parenting styles. Women by nature are much more nuturing. We also tend have much higher tolerance. ( we have too to give birth).

I am surprised at all the remarks about the time frame. Why does that strike people as strange? I find that opposite to be strange, way to many people rush to get their children into relantionships to soon, what is even more troubling is that seems to be the norm. If you took it slowly in introducing your daughter to your Boyfriend, I commend you.

I agree 110% with Denise! Listen to why your child DOESN'T want to stay with this man! Do not blow this off.....Children are very perceptive and can't communicate like adults to tell us of things that occur and may be red flags. Sit down and TALK with your child---you know your child and can get the answers from her. She may feel anger or jealousy from the boyfriend and new baby as well. It may be very innocent, but don't disreguard the potential of something else happening...if your gut feels funny, run with that feeling because that is your clue!

This should send a huge red flag to you.
Listen to your daughter.
Don't ever leave your daughter with a boyfriend. Find someone else to watch her.
YMMV
LBC