HELP I AM DESPERATE!!!! My Child Is Out of Control

The book 1, 2, 3 Magic is a great tool for dealing with annoying behaviors. We've read it 4 times and it really works. There's also a program called Tuesday's Child to help with frustrating issues. I also have to ask...have you talked to your pediatrician? A thorough check up might be the first place to start. Good luck with this whining and crying. This too shall pass.

C.,

We have two girls, so there seems to be an annoying amount of crying and whining in our house. My simple solution, ignore it. I have stepped over children, walked around them and overall just gone about my business. I don't get mad (OK, so I try not to), but instead say, "When you're ready to use your words I'll be happy to talk with you." If the crying and whining turns into tantrums or screaming they get put on their step or in their room. THEY decide once they have calmed down and are ready to talk. No time limit. No "my" being the bully-Mommy "making" them go. I just treat it as, "Sit here and have your 'moment'." Overall, this seems to work very well.

Hysterically enough, it seems to drive the "fussing" child crazy that I just go about my business. I usually try to give attention to the "non-fussing child" as in, "Would you like to help me get a snack ready? You get to pick." Then I am rewarding the "good" behavior with the choice of snack, while ignoring the "bad" behavior without yelling, punishing, etc. It too works fabulously.

When the fussing/tantrum is done, they need to wait for ME to be ready to talk (wash my hands, finish what I was doing, etc.), then the first thing they have to do is apologize. After that, I welcome "talking" with them and remind them that I will NEVER give attention to rude, fussy behavior.

I realize this may seem simplistic, but it really has worked for us 9 times out of 10. The 10th time, it's "quiet time" in their bedroom and they don't get to come out for awhile - read: nap, quiet playing, etc. that is MUCH MUCH longer than a "time out". It's more like a 15-30 min grounding in which they usually get so bored waiting for the door to open, they end up napping anyway.

Haha.

Sara

Sounds like your child has learned which buttons to push to really set you off!

1-2-3 Magic will help you take back control of your house and turn your little wild woman back into the princess you know she is. Go read it now and follow it to the letter!

I'm thinking food allergy, too. I would really consider going and getting her checked for that. Also, she could just have an "intolerance" to some foods, which won't show on allergy tests. You can start eliminating some foods from her diet and see if her behavior improves.

You say "plenty of sleep and plenty of food". How much sleep? What kinds of foods? Are you feeding a lot of convenience foods that have additives and preservatives or dyes in them? These can affect behavior. Also, every child has different sleep needs. She needs between 12-14 hours of sleep at her age. Is this what she is getting?

I LOVE 1,2,3 Magic and Discipline Without Distress. Both are great. Also, you can look at Parenting the Strong Willed Child.

Is she getting enough exercise? Lots of running around? Directed play, like art or music class? Something like that could help, also.

I do sympathize, as I have a 3 year old who is strong willed. We can usually curb any unwanted behavior by making sure he is sleeping enough and cutting out food dyes, especially BLUE. Check labels, it's in everything.

Good luck!

First of all...HUGS! Sounds like a nightmare!

I would say to check and see if she has some kind of food allergy. Food allergies can give some really weird symptoms! They also can develop or show themselves around the age of 2 or 3. They can cause bad behavior (that the child cannot help) and also mimic ADD or ADHD.

I would also say that many methods work, but you have to stick with whatever you decide for a while. Changing methods every few weeks won't help. It's really consistency that will bring you better behavior.

My only thought is that by giving bad behavior she is getting a lot of attention because you're doing all sorts of things to try to fix it. Probably the family is giving it a lot of attention too! So why should she change? I run into this with mine. The more attention you give the behavior, the more it persists.

Is there one day where you could ignore her bad behavior all together...including her family members too? Put her in a safe place when she's whining and crying and just leave. Everyone is to ignore her. No looking at her, nothing. I'm sure you've tried this, but maybe you just need to do it for real and keep doing it. If she comes out of her space (and you don't even need to call it a time out) put her back in with no emotion and no words. Don't threaten a "time out" before you put her in—that's giving her attention. As soon as she has bad behavior put her in the space. Leave her there until she has calmed down. When she's done, DON'T TALK ABOUT HER BAD BEHAVIOR AT ALL. That just puts attention on it and gives her attention. Just welcome her back into the family, don't force an apology or ask for one. As soon as she misbehaves, put her back in. I found that even a small amount of communication about her behavior (such as talking about it) was giving her attention. That's what she wanted, even if it was for only 1 minute! By ommitting ALL attention when she misbehaved (I don't even look at her) she found that it was much better to behave!

Hope that helps!

As hard as it may be, completely ignore her. My duaghter did it and I ignored her and would not even speak to her until she acted like a big girl. So I explained it everytime, "When you are ready to act like a big girl, I will talk to you." and I would walk away. She pulled a stunt at best buy once, how embarrassing, but she laid on the floor, threw her fit, plenty of people stared and make comments, I dont believe in hitting my children, so I stood there and acted like I was interested in the stuff on the endcap and just made sure no one touched her and she stopped. DO NOT GIVE IN!!!! Stay strong and just ignore her, the more we try to reason with them, the more we give into their fits, but ignoring the behavior changed her behavior. She is about to be 5 and rarely whines!!!
Good luck

Is your child faking it? If you can tell ... and he is... i would recommend WATCHING YOUR voice tone and saying "I can't understand you when you are whining, can you please use your ex: Brian voice. Hm. still having trouble" (not in a caring voice, not in a ohmygodican'tstandthis voice, but a matter of fact voice. My boy stopped and used his regular voice and said what he was trying to wine about. I also told him not to pretend cry (if you know its pretend) and you could help him when he's done. OR we do alot of 'ok. if you want to wine that's okay, you just need to do it in your room" (we still have to use that one occasionally)
that's of course, if its a show.
good luck!

I agree with N W's advice. My son has Tourette's, ADHD, and sensory issues so pretty much every little thing sets him off and can lead to a massive meltdown. We've changed his diet b/c we found that even a tiny amount of dyes and refined sugar made him aggressive. Also, just like your daughter, rewarding the good behavior doesn't seem to matter to my son, nor do time outs unless it's in public where he has friends waiting for him. At home, Perrin will happily sit in a time out b/c he's not really missing out on anything. What we do, just like N W is ignore his bad behavior completely (when we're at home). In public, we try a time out and if it doesn't work, we just go home. We've found that Perrin loves the negative attention from misbehaving, so we just don't give it to him. Give it a try. You'll probably get at least one comment from this board's most vocal spanking advocate despite having said you don't agree with it, but I wholeheartedly believe that creative discipline can and does work. It worked for my mom who had 3 very well-behaved children and it's working for me. As long as you're consistent, your daughter will get the message and change her behavior. Good luck.

C.
I feel your pain my youngest is also the whinniest child I have too. For her routine is the best answer. Children thrive when they know what is going and it is predictable. Wake same time every day, eat all meals at the same time. I know this sounds very difficult but until you gain control over the behavior you want to have then changes have to had in your daily life. Remember that they are great imitators so "be worthy of imitation" And remind the other people in the house of this too. Good Luck!!
J. O

"Parenting the Strong Willed Child" was a big help for us. It took longer than the suggested 5 weeks for us to get Mommy, Daddy and Grandma (who's our weekday cargiver) to follow the steps at the same time, but once we did, we noticed a very remarkable improvement. Good luck--I know how stressful this is for you.