Hi- My 5 year old has always been pretty strong-willed; she is pretty dramatic about most things. If she does something that she knows is naughty, even just a tiny bit, she will go overboard with her reaction to OUR reaction. For example: If she doesn't start picking up her toys when we tell her to, and then we warn her that she will get into trouble if she doesn't obey, she will wine and say something odd like, "You like to get me in trouble!" or, "Nobody likes me!" Then of course I feel like I have to respond to that to make sure she knows it's not true. Then we are back to getting her to obey and it starts all over- but she will also dawdle and take forever getting things put away!! There are plenty of other instances and scenarios I could share but will spare you from reading a novel here! We do have a baby coming very soon, and she (along with her 2 older sisters) seems excited about that for the most part. She goes to bed well (thank goodness) but still wets the bed now and then, too. She's a great kid, and I am excited to see how she develops as an adult, but for now, she is just high maintenence, and takes a lot of patience! I always feel like there's something different I should be doing to help these odd comments she makes to quit; to make sure she feels adequate enough, or something. Anyone have good ideas as to how to deal with this, or settle things down??? Thank-you so much...
my daughter does the same things but now she says i don't love her or today she said she wishes she wasn't born. i do ignore those comments and change the topic. i was in a parenting class and the instuctor said if they say things like "i don't love you" you can say back you don't have to love me But i love you.
i do believe 5 is a worse age than 2
good luck
ML,
Your daughter sounds just like my 5 year old! He doesn't like to do his chores either! He is also very dramatic, when told to do something he doesn't necessarily want to do he has been known to fall to the floor in a heap and just lay there crying about "I'm so tired!!" or hes the king of excuses about why he should't have to do anything around the house (his only chores are to unload the silverware tray from the dishwasher, take care of his folded playclothes, brush his own teeth morning and evening, and to generally pick up after himself) OH and this is my favorite one- he will try to stare me down, state very unemotionally that he hates me and that all I do is boss him around! (I really have to keep myself in check not to laugh at him- he is so obviously trying to push my buttons!)
What we do is not engage him. When he says he hates me I just tell him "oh really? Thats too bad, because I love you" and leave it at that (and don't take it personally, hes just trying see what he can get away with). I then start counting 1 2 3 slowly. When we get to three, he loses something. A toy, a trip to Grandmas (oh he hates that! Grandmas house is fun!), maybe something fun his brothers (he has 4 brothers) are going to get to do, sometimes we all have a treat in the evening and he may miss out on that. I usually tell him what hes going to miss if I get to three. If he acts like he doesn't care about what is going to get taken away from him, I have been know to keep adding to the list until hes motivated to be cooperative.
Don't be afraid of being "mean". My son tells me that when he doesn't get to the things that he wants to do. Be consistent!
They know when you are bluffing and when you mean business. This will take 2 or 3 times of missing out on stuff before they take you seriously. But now when I count I rarely get to 2, he shapes up pretty quickly. Its easier on him to do what is expected of him. It is just his personality. He is a button pusher, and dramatic, and always testing his limits! But he can be the sweetest little boy when he wants to be. Good luck and I hope this was helpful.
Try getting the 5 love languages for children. It seems like you're doing your best to meet her needs, but maybe there is something missing that you hadn't thought of yet.
This book was helpful to me with my 18 month old, who is normally the "perfect baby" but when she's feeling left out or ignored she starts screaming, hitting and thrashing around. She used to not let me comfort her when she was upset and would just throw herself on the couch and have a pity party. I used to say, let her pout I'm not encouraging this behavior. But starting to make an effort to give her one on one quality time, with lots of touching, has made a HUGE difference!
Best wishes!
Hi. I think you're mixing up what's going on in the situation. When your daughter misbehaves, I'd suggest following through on an appropriate discipline (i.e. You leave your crayons and coloring book out after mommy told you to pick it up. The consequence is mommy takes them away for a few days etc. I'm sure you get my drift.) Now when your little girl gets upset and starts calling herself names, or says things like 'I'm bad', 'You don't like/love me anymore', etc. she's shifting the focus.
These remarks make you think she's having issues with her self esteem, and it causes you guilt and anxiety (especially with a new little baby soon to join the family.) That's probably not what's going on at all. She's just using a very clever, and very effective form of distraction. It's been working well for her so far.
My suggestion is to continue on with an appropriate and effective consequence for whatever the situation requires. When she brings up her self doubting or self recriminations, just repeat what she did wrong and follow through on the consequence.
If you're worried that she truly lacks some self esteem, during discipline isn't an effective time to work on those issues anyway. Make sure you take the time to play with her, listen to her at times, compliment her occasionally (please don't go overboard on this, as we all tend to. It only causes the child not to believe your compliments.). But during discipline, only discipline her. Discipline is just teaching, not hurting. If you go into the self esteem at that time, you have lost a perfect teaching moment.
As for her night wetting. It's totally normal. It's not anything you are doing wrong. It's not about you really. It's just that she sleeps more soundly than other children. She'll outgrow it. I had it with one of my children. Just remember, it isn't a physical or psychological problem. It's just a sleep and laundry issue.
Pat yourself on the back mama. You're doing great.
In Christian love,
S.
Hello M L, My oldest was just like your daughter. One day my ex told me that if I didn't argue with her she wouldn't have anyone to argue with. That was an eye opener for me. When I quit responding to her comments she slowly stopped saying them. Or sometimes when she said that she hated me, I would quietly say "well I love you" and walk away. She wants you to react to her. It gives her attention, even if it is negative. So try to give her extra attention when you catch her being good, so that you will reinforce the behavior you want out of her. By the way, mine is 25 and we are very close friends now. Good luck. Feel free to keep in touch.
Your daughter is saying those things because she knows it gets to you and she's pushing her limits. Maybe you should try the "throwing away" of the toys if she is not putting them away when she is asked to or if she is taking her sweet little time putting them away. Once that first toy ends up in the garbage things may start to change. And although it's hard...try not to let her comments bother you. Stand your ground and show her who is boss. She will get the picture and she really doesn't feel unloved...it's a game.
Try putting her in a sport to increase her self-esteem/self-confidence. I was 7 or 8 when depression set in. I started competing in roller figure skating when I was, and that really helped. I used to say stuff like that, too. My mom never said anything to give me low self-esteem/self-conifidence, but there were some other things going on (I found out later... as in just a couple years ago later). Unless you're my husband or my therapist, you would never know now that I was depressed a day in my life, or that I constantly had suicidal thoughts. Not trying to scare you, but I remember saying things like that to my mother to get her attention. She didn't have time to give me more than she already did (single mom of two), which is why my sport helped. I got more attention there for "super-achieving." It might help your daughter, too. Good luck.
In the example provided try getting a kitchen timer. Especially if you can get one that has a one minute warning... If you ask her to do something give her a time limit. Set it and walk away. Try to catch her doing it well.... for example if you walk by her door on your way some place else and she has gotten a good part done, walk past and then look back in and say WOW, you're doing great, I think you are going to beat the timer.
Not standing there getting frustrated will do as much for you not getting stressed as it does for your daughter not having you there to push your buttons.
Blessings
She knows she is getting to you. She doesn't really believe that you don't like her or that you like for her to be in trouble. She is taking control away from you and she knows it...yes, even at 5! Ignore her ridiculous accusations and simply, calmly repeat your request. If she doesn't listen, FOLLOW THRU! This is just (normal) manipulation and if you don't put your foot down, she will win this battle...imagine what it will be like when she's a teen! Remember YOU are the parent...you will not cause her feelings of neglect or psychological damage by showing her that!
~L.
My daughter behaved similar until she was ten. She saw a social worker for two years. the social worker diagnosed her with Opposite Defiant Disorder. My interpertation is BAD! The social worker ecouraged relaxation techniques, anger management and self-expression through art. Since your is only five, she is too young to use the "I am not your friend, I am your parent" approach. Although when my daughter would tell me "I hate you" I would respond, "I'm sorry you think that, but I love you." I would encourage you to pick up a child development or Psychology books. Not that you need a scrink to tell you what to do, but it would help you understand what children go through during childhood into adolecents. I think the most important thing is to be consistant and include your husband, so you are both on the same page.
My 5 year old daughter is just about the same, I think its the age for the most part, getting out of that toddler stage and more independant about things, mine is very stubborn to the enth degree, it really drives me up the wall, she doesnt make the comments your daughter does instead she is in this whiny cry stage if she has to do something she doesnt like, it's always a battle and I was starting to yell at her all the time so now, I just send her to her room until she can show me she is ready to be a big girl is what I say, she will go in there and complain to herself and then come out a few minutes later and be just fine so I just forget about it and go on with the day, this stage will pass soon, but remember not to stoop to her level and you don't need to comment on every sentence she makes, she will get the idea soon enough.
When my kids did (or do) that, I try to ignore them. We have sat them down and told them negative behavior is not what we want to see, if they want to have attention- they need to work on getting positive attention. Work on finding as many things to praise her for as you can and ignore the negative behavior as much as possible.
If she recieves a warning that she knows will lead to time-out, give her a time limit. Five to ten minutes later, if she has not done as told, put her in time out for the amount of time you told her. As soon as her time is up, take her immediatly back to what was asked in the first place. Enough of this and she will learn the negative behavior is not going to get her the attention she is looking for and she will still have to do as told.
Five can be fun - don't let her pick up the bad stuff she sees others getting away with (maybe explain that the others are getting "bad" or negative attention and it's more fun to have the positive attention).
OOPS - I almost forgot this - pray with her about it too!
Good Luck!!
K.
Something that my mom always told us when we were kids was that if we ignored bad behavior (brother teasing) then it won't be fun anymore. Have you tried ignoring her comments? Make sure that you give her plenty of affirmation when she is following directions!
K.
Kids take forever to do what you tell them, I know. been there done that times 3.
But it shouldn't be that way. When the whining starts and she throws the 'nobody likes me' junk at you then be frank with her "You're right. When you behave like this I don't very much like you" and walk away. Or "When you want to quit whining maybe I'll listen to what you say". In other words don't listen to a whiner. When she wants to talk in her normal voice then listen.
You've got a potential control freak here and I'd make pains to nip it in the bud asap. Supernanny (ABC, 9 P.M., WEDNESDAYS) always has some excellent suggestions, methods, advice. Any controlling, whiny kids are often a problem highlighted. Start putting time limits on the project, and if she dawdles too long, take away a favorite toy. Give her another timed allotment to do the job, and again, not done in time, take another away. As a reward, if it gets done before time's up, she can have one back. Then big hugs, 'good girl!!!', and maybe a favorite snack.
