My daughter just turned 6 earlier this month and is going into first grade. She's a great kid, very smart, has always been quite strong-willed and sometimes is a challenge to discipline. This past summer she seems to be getting even more emotional about things when she doesn't get her way and I have to issue a consequence for her not listening. Most of it falls under the category of her wanting something that I can't say yes to, and then her continuing to whine and pester me about it. I still do 1-2-3 Magic and most of the time it puts a stop to it - however, when I've gotten to 3, she's been sent to her room for a time-out or had something taken away. Then she really gets even more upset, and starts crying, and saying things like "You all are against me!" and other such drama. She's the type that wants what she wants when she wants it, and doesn't seem to care about why it's not going to happen. Things like not being allowed to have a piece of gum first thing in the morning on the way to school.
The past few times though, she has also started to say, "I am so stupid! I am a stupid kid!" This is really hard for me to hear her say about herself if this is what she really believes, or if it's just more drama designed to get me to sympathize with her more. I tell her that she certainly is NOT stupid, and ask why she thinks she is, but she can't give me an answer - she just says, "I just am!" This is after she is being disciplined for basically not listening and not heeding our warnings. She is, in general, an overall happy kid who does very well in school and has lots of friends.
Is this really something to address head on and get to the bottom of, or just chalk it up to 6-year-old girl drama? Talking to friends of mine, they have all said that they noticed big uptick in the "drama" with their daughters too around the 6-year-old mark. TIA!
My son does this at times and it really makes me mad. The way I see it is that it is a way to change the focus of the situation. "If Mom feels sorry for me she won't be mad at me anymore". I tell him that he knows darn well that he is an intelligent child but he made a bad decision and he needs to take responsibility for his actions.
M
I use to tell my son:
'There are things that I want that I can't have.
Everybody has something that they want that they just can't have.
I'd like to win a really big lottery and never have to worry about money again but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
You are going to have to learn to accept not getting <what ever> and get over the disappointment like every other human being on the planet.'
and
'How many times do you need to hear 'No' before you believe it?'
and
when she says everyone is all against her, start singing the 'nobody likes me' song
http://bussongs.com/songs/nobody-likes-me-worms.php
When she says she is stupid - don't ask her why she thinks she is.
She doesn't think that at all.
She says it to get a rise out of you and it works - every single time (did for me, too).
I told my son
'You are not stupid. You have the ability to learn and some things you learn very quickly. Other things you still need to work on. Like asking me for <what ever>. You asked me last week - I said 'no'. You asked me yesterday - I said 'no'. You asked me today - I said 'no'. If you ask me tomorrow - I will say 'no'. Same thing for next week. The problem here isn't the answer - it's the question. Ask me something I can say yes to and you'll get a different answer.".
I think "context is key" here.
If the comment is only made during times of discipline-drama, it might just be a ploy for attention. In which case I think rather than feeling like you need to say "No you're great, you're not stupid!", you could say something that is in keeping with the discipline, like: "It is stupid to continuously ignore the important things that your father and I tell you. YOU are not stupid, but refusing to listen to us is a stupid thing to do." (I have heard some parents tell their children that running out into the street is "stupid". Could be dangerous, scares their parents, etc.)
On the other hand, I think at a certain age self-deprication becomes "cool". "I'm bad at math", "I'm stupid", etc. That is behavior that I think should be corrected - important to teach children to not project that self-image.
Last thing I'll say - some people might put "stupid" in the same category as "nice". A vague word that can be overused. Rather than asking your daughter "why" she says it, you might want to ask your daughter "What do you mean when you say that? What does the word stupid mean to you?"
Oh, yes, I'm right there with you!
My son is six and over the past few months, when he's gotten himself into trouble with us (usually the same situation where a warning was given then the consequence)-- I do hear the "I'm so stupid. I'm dumb. I wish I wasn't alive."
YES, high, high drama! I try to empathize and restate: "You know, you aren't stupid, but you are mad at yourself for making a wrong choice." or "Sweetie, I think you are mad at yourself because you are embarrassed that you got carried away and didn't listen. Do you want to go (make amends- if appropriate)?" or "I felt the same way when I was a kid. I'd get in trouble and be so mad at myself/embarrassed that I wished no one could ever see me again."
By the way, I don't see this as a bid for attention, necessarily, but as a kid asking for reassurance because he is very angry with himself for choosing to continue on after being told not to. He is becoming more aware that he does have failings. Kids at this age want to be perfect.
So, yeah, I think it's fairly common for a kid at this age to have some negative self-talk. We can boost them up by giving positive feedback when they've done the correct thing, made a good choice, etc. to help balance that out. I do have to say, when I heard a friend talking about her 6 year old girl doing this a couple years ago, I was *very* concerned-- now I know that this is just par for the course for some kids. So, yeah, keep on providing some balance....
I'm certain we'll be commiserating when 8 or 9 rolls around and we start getting the "Whatever!" with an eye roll..... NOT looking forward to that!
it sounds like something she's found that she knows gets to you. i would not address this at all, just completely ignore it, don't let it gain energy from attention.
when she's calm and there are no issues going on you can approach it from an oblique angle, having thoughtful conversations about what constitutes stupidity and intelligence, and how name-calling affects people. but not a direct link to what she's pulling now.
it's perfectly natural and healthy for kids to hunt about for the right parental buttons to push. they need to learn how to work their world. but it's also important that you not give them weapons to use against you.
khairete
S.
If you are certain you are not being too strict with her in general, then don't worry about her comments about being stupid, they are probably just designed to manipulate you.
If you feel you must comment, just say, "of course you're not." And then don't engage.
There is a difference between someone being stupid, and someone who does stupid things.
In our house stupid is a bad word. If you say it, my kids will say 'ohhh, you said the S word!!'.
Just help her see where if something went wrong, that she feels is stupid, how she could have done it differently to get a different result.
I agree that you have to look at the context. If she is saying this out of frustration about not being able to do something there's a different approach to use.
She probably is using it to lure you back in and engage you. I doubt that she really believes that about herself. However, that is dangerous ground. Words are powerful and telling herself that is not a healthy way to process her anger about being corrected. If it were me, I would ignore her when she says those things. After she has had a chance to settle down, you can ask her how she really feels. You can say something like " It really bothers me to hear you call yourself stupid when you're upset. Do you really feel like you are or are you just frustrated that you don't get what you want.?" More than likely she'll say, "no I don't think that, I was just mad." And then you can tell her that you'd like her to use different words to describe how she really feels, and that you aren't going to respond to her when she talks about herself in a negative way.
If she gets into a habit of telling herself that she's stupid, she can start to believe that about herself. Best to correct that before she does any damage to her self-esteem..
Best of luck!
Updated
I agree that you have to look at the context. If she is saying this out of frustration about not being able to do something there's a different approach to use.
She probably is using it to lure you back in and engage you. I doubt that she really believes that about herself. However, that is dangerous ground. Words are powerful and telling herself that is not a healthy way to process her anger about being corrected. If it were me, I would ignore her when she says those things. After she has had a chance to settle down, you can ask her how she really feels. You can say something like " It really bothers me to hear you call yourself stupid when you're upset. Do you really feel like you are or are you just frustrated that you don't get what you want.?" More than likely she'll say, "no I don't think that, I was just mad." And then you can tell her that you'd like her to use different words to describe how she really feels, and that you aren't going to respond to her when she talks about herself in a negative way.
If she gets into a habit of telling herself that she's stupid, she can start to believe that about herself. Best to correct that before she does any damage to her self-esteem..
Best of luck!
I really like Nervy Girl's response and have heard my almost 5 year old say things related to her own frustrations with herself when she is disciplined...mad at her self and saying she doesn't know how to stop, etc. Very recently she has also begun to voice how good she is being,etc especially when her younger sister is having a rough time. This has led me to check myself that I am not being so rule oriented that it is a hardship on her or that I am too focused on behavior. It doesn't seem that the discipline has changed or is inappropriate. It would make sense to me that these thoughts match a developmental stage where they become more self aware of behavior and desire to do the right thing. I suppose I also saw similar behavior in a soccer class she was in where she for the first time really showed frustration that she could not be the winner or the best every time...wonder if that is related? Hopefully, we can find the right words/experiences to figure out how you can't always accomplish everything you want but you still do your best and don't get down on yourself when you don't do what you wish you could do (I guess probably a life long lesson) :)
