Help! Crazy Lady at My Church Keeps Harassing Me

Talk to the pastor first. Maybe he/she knows something that could explain her strange behavior. In the meantime, try not to sit near her if possible. Good luck!

If she's my definition of old (70-80+) I would lay money on dementia or the early stages of Alzheimer's (mistaking you for someone she knew in her youth).

Compassion, patience, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, care, peace, appreciation and - love. - It begins with you.

Wow. I sure hope you're at church every time the doors are open because it doesn't seem like the "love is patient, love is kind" thing has rubbed off on you.
She's old and could be suffering from dementia or something for all you know.
She didn't give you a gift at your baby shower so you wanted to track her down to tell her how rude she is?
You don't know what her problem is but she's not getting rid of you that easy?

Are you sure she's the one that's crazy?

No offense intended, but seriously.....She's an old lady who in your opinion says and does inappropriate things. BUT, you are having thoughts of punching her out. IN CHURCH.

She irritates you. Let it go.
My advice is to talk to the preacher so he can help you pray about it.

I understand that older people can be difficult to be around and say and do things that are not always appropriate but gosh you sound really ugly here.
Sounds like you are going to corner her somewhere after service and have an old after school fight. Cool yourself down and rethink this through. If you are so upset I don't think you should be the one to address this problem. Speak to your pastor or elders about it and let them suggest something or speak to her themselves.
She is just saying things that are hitting you below the belt. Someone is ALWAYS going to think your parenting skills stink. My advice is to realize that and move on.
You know if God grants you the grace you may just live long enough to be in her shoes someday. Be nice.
Best Regards,
C.

J.,
It does sound like this lady may have some form of dementia-and that may explain some of her odd behavior. Talk to the preacher and mention that you are uncomfortable with her attention to your baby. He may confirm that she does have dementia and that she is just not obnoxious. But I think that maybe you need more patience with people- Someone is not off in the head because she didn't bring you a present at your shower. And just because she left when you told her you wanted to confront her about being so rude doesn't bother me near as much as you wanting to "punch her out". You seem to be on a vendetta about the old lady. Sit in a different place in church. Go out a different door. Don't confront her. You are in church and this rant doesn't seem to be too God-like.

When DH and I were married over 20 years ago, the little old bitties from the church showed up at our reception. We were young and cheap and we held it in the church basement. They took off with our entire cake, and damn it was a good one too! After we served pieces to everyone, they took it upon themselves to divvy it up and walk off with it -two remaining layers!!. I was pissed when I found out, and it was to late to do anything about it.

But what are you going to do. Bad mouth them? Track them down? Make it some kind of personal vendetta? WHY?? So you can be a stalker?? At a church?? To little old ladies????

We chose to laugh at it. Lucky us, our cake was so yummy where was none left by the time the reception was over. Oh well. Life's too short, move on. Peace.

Obviously, she has some sort of senility. I would no sooner be mad at her for her sickness than I would that someone had pneumonia or some other sickness. She is SICK. As a Christian, you should pray for her. Have compassion,understanding and patience. As a healthy, clear thinking adult with all of your faculties ( which she no longer has) you should be able to dismiss it and walk away and know in your heart you do what you can for your baby. If your baby screams all through the church service, maybe hold off on services until your baby passes this stage? God understands,,,,He knows that you hold him in your heart even if you stay home until this stage passes for your little one :) And it will pass....all stages do :)

Sounds like she may be in the early stages of dimentia. If that's the case, please understand that she is not intentionally trying to be rude or obnoxious; her body is just breaking down and there's certain aspects of her personality and reasoning that she can't control. Instead of resorting to physical violence, why not talk to your pastor and see what you and the rest of the congregation can do to help her and her husband out a little because they are probably going to have a rocky road ahead of them as it gets worse. Please don't take what she is saying or doing personally; this is where your spiritual beliefs about compassion can really come into play.

Alright, come on everyone! Don't attack a fellow mama that needs our help! She is here asking for advice! Clearly this woman is irritating you... but I have to agree with the others who suggest this woman might be displaying signs of dementia. Try to take her with a grain of salt and avoid, avoid, avoid! My guess is you won't be seeing her too much in the near future, as she will probably be in a home!
(My own grandmother has dementia and in the beginning stages, she started saying really f-ed up stuff to us. Hang in there. Church isn't always a place of grace... keep on praying for patience! (But know that He will give you LOTS of opportunities to practice!) *hugs*

I agree with many here so I won't repeat, but I don't know how you can combine "church" and "punch out" in the same story.......You need to realize she has a problem and that you need to work on compassion. Get over what she thinks or says. We all need to peel the layers back, like an onion, and see what is deeper. Stop judging her. You are doing an eye for an eye.....what is the point? Definately pray for her as we are told to pray for our enemies. Work on your Christianity and everything will be fine.....turn it over to God as He will be the one to change both you and this woman. You should realize, God puts people in our lives for a reason. Why is she in your life.....what does HE want to teach you? Christianity is more than sitting in a church....it is a daily practice.

I am sorry, but why are you picking a fight wih the old lady at church, i know it appears that she started it, but what are you going to gain from it, really she probably is reaching out but does not know how to ... next week bring her some home baked (or store bought but look like they are home baked) sweets and raise your white flag. She probably needs love and attention ... remember old people are a lot like kids.

Honestly as for the gift, maybe she couldn't afford one? Yes she may be frustrating, but have you found out why? Talk to your pastor that's why he's there. She may be lonely or have a medical reason for her behavior. You definately don't need to be so negative/angry especially at church...learn patience. Your child will grow up learning from how you handle such situations...that should matter more than anything.

She sounds a little dotty, but I don't think she means you any harm... How old is old? Is she starting to get senile, or just granny-aged? She may think she is joking around with you, not meaning to offend, but you are taking it seriously... I'm not saying that IS the case, but it COULD be (My MIL will "talk" on the phone to my infant DD, and tell her that "mommy is just SOOOO mean to you, you want to come see gramma, dontcha!" I know she is just joking around, and I don't take any offense at all.) In any case, I would just let it go. There is no point in picking a fight with her. You will wind up looking like the bad guy if you do. Just grin and bear it, after all it's only a couple of hours once a week!

I don't think you should interpret her behavior as an attempt to get you to stop coming to church. You have already acknowledged that she seems "off" mentally. So remember to be patient with her, and/or avoid her as much as possible. I'm glad you said you would "never punch her out".
I'm hoping that there's no one you would ever "punch out".
ESPECIALLY IN CHURCH.

Your Pastor will be the biggest help. He may be able to step back and see the bigger picture. He may know the family and be able to discuss the behavior with her or her husband.

I've known a number of "crazy ladies" in several different churches over my life. Probably every church has one. My current church has three (two of them men).

I doubt that she's focusing her concern only on you; there are probably a few other attendees whom she also zeroes in on. I hope you will learn not to take her personally; if you feel anger from her comments, there is possibly a seed of truth that you don't want to look at more closely. That doesn't mean you're not doing the best you can, it only means you wish you could do better and have some unacknowledged dissatisfaction with your lack of super-human perfection. We all have situations like that, and they can be very instructive if we're willing to face them.

Church is a place where we go to deal with imperfection in ourselves and others, among other things. Most churches allow, and sometimes even treasure, their "crazies," because there's so much patience and forgiveness to be learned. I've gotten some of my best lessons in humility from watching my judgments about "odd" people. You could bawl the old woman out, but she probably can't help herself.

I hope you'll keep attending, and just let this strange woman's comments hang in the air between you. You don't have to take them in if you don't want to.

Hi J.,

I agree that she may have the beginnings or some type of dementia. Most older people soften with age unless there is something else that is affecting them. Talk to the pastor and get the scoop on her before you take anything personally. Continued kindness may be what she needs. She may not be getting it from her family. She could possibly be very dear and just needs someone to dote on her.

M.

I'm not sure what's going on here. Why do you want to talk with her to tell her she's rude, then follow her to her car? That's kinda creepy, actually. And the handshaking/germs thing - I'm sure she shook hands with other people before yours. Why are you so angry at her generic wierdness and taking it personally?

If you are worried about her behaviour, talk to her pastor and find out what's wrong with her and how you can be helpful in dealing with it. Perhaps the preacher can deal with it. Either way, you need to be the adult here and deal with it.

It sounds to me that the enemy has been working through this lady to bother you, and you are probably not alone. Although loving confrontation is most desired in any situation, she sounds as though she should be avoided altogether and her comments ignored. She doesn't KNOW you really and what she is saying is not truth.

Also, just because we go to church and/or are a Christian doesn't mean that we are perfect and have let God change us into truly loving godly people. We all have hangups and baggage that even though we are saved, God is trying to work out in us. Try to believe the best and let the rest roll off your back since we cannot control others' behavior. I have had dear "old ladies" say some terrible things to me too and at the time it was difficult. But a true person of faith needs to forgive and pray for the person who offended us. In the meantime, I would steer clear as much as I could from that situation. Hang in there and remember: Love is an action.

J.:
It sounds like she may have alzheimers or beginning stages of. Is there a family member other than husband you can talk to? Can you discuss this with the preacher? Many times it is those that are not family that sees the changes in this awful disease before the family. Hope this helps.
A.

You're in church, you shouldn't have that attitude. It might be annoying what this old lady is doing, but you should pray that it doesn't get to you and at the most avoid her during handshaking and when she seem to be approaching you. Try to pray for her and about your obvious anger toward her for something trivial like that. She probably has no clue what she is doing...if she is old and obnoxious, try to ignore her.

If this bothers you so much that you want to confront her, then do it nicely. There are usually suggested ways of handling disputes in churches. I would talk to someone in the church office and see if they can help. There is usually someone similar to this in every church. It is the test of unconditional love. Forgiving her is something you need to do for yourself. The irritation will only eat at you and make you bitter, trust me, I know. I have been in this situation with someone I couldn't avoid so easily. God bless and I hope it gets worked out. <3

I do feel for you having to go through that on a regular basis. It can be hard to deal with "sandpaper people". I believe that the Lord allows us to have people like this in our lives to smooth our rough edges also. I understand that she is older, she may have medical issues that contribute to her behavior and may not realize how hurtful her words are until it is too late. As far as the remark about washing germs off, if she is concerned due to health issues that you may not be aware of she may need to do that. She may of also seen something that caused her to want to wash her hands ie someone rubbing their nose or face, a childs nose or face, coughing, drooling child etc... (My grandma needed dialysis and chose to do it at home during the night. She did not want anyone to know. During the training it was emphasized over and over again anyone dealing with her needed to have clean hands. She was advised to not shake hands with people due to the transfer of germs. She said I cannot do that because during church we shake hands with many others. The compromise was that she could either go wash her hands immediately or use a hand sanitizing gel immediately after handshaking.

I would try to be nice and come back with positive words when she has not so nice ones. She could also be a person who is not happy unless she is putting other people down to make herself feel good. My FIL was like this. Most everything he said had to one up the other person or cut them down in some way. He had always been llke this with everyone especially his own children. His step daughter could never do anything wrong though. Whatever she did he was just in awe over it.

Here are a couple of Bible verses, you could also look up others to speak to her and to say to yourself to keep yourself on the right track.

Proverbs 14:29 A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God Bless and Pray on how to respond to this person in a way that can Glorify God!

This actualy has nothing to do with you. As you said "we're in church and she's old" so cut her some slack. She's obviously off in the head a little bit. I wouldn't take it so personally. Church is a place of acceptance and fellowship for ALL people. You can always find another church if it bothers you THAT much, I guess. But every church has that.

Sounds like this has nothing to do with you, and is not her fault either. It sounds like you are angry and unaccepting of an illness that is affecting her brain function. It is no more useful than to be angry at her for having a broken leg. You were going to tell HER about her rudeness? Huh? She can say whatever she wants and you do not HAVE to feel insulted. My goodness - she is a little old lady with a faulty brain! Who says she is even doing anything rude on purpose. She may just want some human connection and it comes out totally wrong.

I am involved with people who have problems affecting brain function, and yes - it can be hard to remember the fact that sometimes what might seem odd or rude just needs to be accepted. The world can use a lot more tolerance and compassion. You will feel a lot better to change what you can - your feelings - because odds are she is not the one who can change. You are the one with the healthy brain, so you are the one who needs to change. Don't take it personally, and have some humor about the situation.

She may be in the first stage of dementia. With this disorder, they tend to revert to their past. You may remind her of someone who was nasty to their baby. They tend to recall the past very well and not understand the present well at all. Therefore they get the present and past backwards because the past makes sense to them.
I would talk to her husband or the Pastor. They may be able to explain her behavior. Or you may be helping the husband out. He may be worried about her and not sure if he is right that something is wrong.
My dad has dementia and let me tell you, he can watch a news program about a child that was abused and then see a lady at Walmart and tell everyone she was beating her child. It's not that she did, it's that he is thinking of that story and she if the first woman he saw with a child. In his head the woman with the child beats her baby. And it is quite hard to change their minds sometimes. But talking to her will help.
I wish you luck!

Keep being cordial to her. She may be teasing and trying to be nice to you,but whatever she may be thinking, I hope you will be thinking "This is church! I should not be having bad thoughts about her!" try to pray for her in church and every time you think of her during the week! You both need prayer. (We all do.)

She's not right mentally. I guess the church has no way to keep her away and the others don't like it either. So, your option is to stop going there- change churches, or suck it up. Can you imagine how her husband suffers?

she may not even be sick, like what's indicated in most of your responses. she might be but maybe not. either way, your best bet my dear is just avoidance. even if she starts talking to you, just walk away. older lady or not, you don't have to put up w/it. it's up to God to judge your actions/reactions on this. i don't think it's rude at all to walk away or avoid a rude/disrespectful situation. i work w/the elderly & LOVE the elderly, but if i'm meeting w/one of my elderly clients and they start popping off for no reason when i'm there to help...i'll say something polite, like, "i didn't mean anything by such and such" and then i'll say "have a good day", smile and leave. even if she is sick, you still don't have to be inundated w/annoying statements. just my opinion. yes, she's a person too, yes, y'all are in church, but there's still boundaries. don't feel bad for just walking away from her if she's annoying you. i'm sorry. :(

Do you have some other friends/support at that church, that can help deflect her for you? I personally would try to always have someone with me, even while changing the baby etc.
I know it's hard but Don't let her get to you. Seek out some one to help you deal with her though. Its' so hard to keep it all together, i don't think i had post partum but i was so sleep deprived and really had a hard time adjusting to motherhood, i was totally absorbed in my baby so any off comments about my parenting totally rocked my world.

I am so sorry. Her behavior is not acceptable. I would get my husband and talk to the preacher. It is really his job to deal with crazies in the church.
Are there any people you know who could run interference? Turn away when she comes. Don't ever leave the baby in the nursery with volunteers unless they are bold enough to keep her away from your baby.

I took my child out of sunday school one morning because I could tell she was falling asleep. A bullies dad came up and said "There she is. I was going to check on her?" I asked why he would be checking on my child.
I informed the church, the teachers, and that man NO ONE was to be taking out or talking to my child like that. He has left us alone since.

Talk to the preacher asap for SURE.

If she's buggin you I'm sure you're not the only one, and disability or not, she's making it hard for you to feel prayerful and peaceful at church which is the point of church! What's more, your baby is young now and can't understand her, but when s/he's older, you're really not gonna want this woman creepin out your kid!

can you say alzhimers? always be leery of a woman who has nothing to do and all day to do it. sounds to me like she is trying to drum you out of church.the fact that you asked to speak to her and she bolted before you had a chance to confont her tells her tells me that she knows exactly what she is doing, which is not alzhimers but senility bottom line, she is bored and mean , fix her a big batch of chocolate laxative brownies and deliver them on a saturday so that they will take effect during sunday services. in the mean time, change the time that you go to sunday services,if you see her car in the ;parking lot leave, she is trying to get you to stop coming so she can tell everyone what a horrible mother you suposedly are, be warned, its women like that that social services people actually listen to
K. h.

Attend service at a different time.

Obviously, this woman doesn't have it together mentally and seems to have targeted you for her vitriol. I know it's hard, but don't let it bother you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Talk to the pastor for insight. Or the hospitality committee. Whatever the case, being old, or mentally challenged is no excuse to subject your family to insults and rude behavior anywhere. There's no excuse for it. If this is a pattern for her, then it's time someone addresses the matter for her benefit and stop using age and medical issues as an excuse to be passive.

Over the past few years my Grandma has started showing odd behaviors like that, ie: hating my stepmom for no reason and lashing out irrationally. We're all pretty sure she's headed into some sort of dementia or alzheimers, but even though she's not the same person she was mentally, she's still our Grandma and we love her anyway. My suggestion is to pray for her, avoid her as much as possible, and when you can't avoid her, be sugary nice to her. If she comes up to you after church and says you're a mean mom, look her in the eye and say (but try not to be obviously sarcastic), "You're right; would you pray for me right now?" then bow your head and wait for her to say something. Most people, especially those who aren't truly walking with God, will either say, "Oh, well, I'll pray later" or mumble off a quick, meaningless prayer, then turn tail and run. Even though they're aggravating, don't take her criticisms personally. (And you'll be great at brushing off those comments for later on when you meet people who ARE in their right mind who want to tell you how to raise your children!)

I know you wrote some time ago and have already gotten many responses, but I just have to add one more...

Others have already mentioned that she may have a mental disability--it definitely sounds like that to me too. We have a few in our church, so I know that it can be frustrating, but it's important to remember compassion, like if you were interacting with an autistic child.

But here's the main thing I wanted to share with you.... in read the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn, he said something that hit me deep.

You know how when people have a physical disability, it's easy to see and not too hard to remember to be kind to them. Imagine them in heaven in their perfect body (maybe they have their leg back that was amputated), coming up and thanking you for treating them with kindness and compassion while they were disabled on earth.

With a mental disability, we don't see it physically and it's harder to remember treat them with kindness and compassion. Now imagine meeting them in heaven with a healed brain, in their right mind. What would you like them to remember about the way you treated them on earth? That thought has radically changed my attitude toward those with mental issues.

Blessings to you and your sweet new baby.

my computer belched, and I am not sure my response posted - My suggestion is that you mention this behavior to your preacher, including how uncomfortable and unwelcome it makes you feel. S/He may be able to help her curtail her unwelcome behavior, or alternately offer you some insight that will help you to understand what feel like very personal attacks.

what church do you go to?? I attend hillvue and have never ran across anyone rude.. I wouldn't think not bringing a gift would really mean someone was rude but the rest stated is.. I would just either change churches or ignore her

It sounds like she's got a touch of dimensia or some other mental problem. I wouldnt take it so personally. You might have a talk with your pastor about her annoyance, maybe he could say a word to her to calm her down. It sounds to me like she has a mental disability and has become hyper focused on you for some odd reason. I'm sure she's done it to others in the past as well.

I attend a church with several developmentally disabled adults and one child with aspergers. Maybe she is really nasty and it's just not coming across in your description, but I thought of interactions with some of the aforementioned folks when I read this. You know, based on THAT, it seems as if she is someone who wants to be your friend but cannot identify inappropriate social interactions?

In any event, you should talk to your pastor. If she has an issue, he (or she) can help you manage this situation. And if he thinks she's just being nasty too, he can probably still help.

can you go to a different service time than her?

apparently everybody at the church has had problems with her in the past. I'm willing to make that bet for sure! Especially after the fact the preacher made his statement about handshaking time was over and she was still shaking hands. Man, this is one crazy lady. I say stay away from her and pray for her. That's about all you can do. I feel sorry for her husband!

So, I agree. Talk to the pastor. He may be able to give you the scoop on what is going on or mediate a meeting.