Help - Dyer,IN

There are deeper issues at work than his mother getting time with your kids. First of all, I have never understood why some family members seem to only be interested in spending time with the kids in the absence of the parents. Particularly when they haven't spent enough time around the kids to learn the routines, and develop a comfort zone with the kids. Big issue for me! (I'm lucky, my husband is on board with me on that one.)

You and your husband need to work on your marriage, but don't let that serve as a gateway to being railroaded into letting his mother do whatever she wants with your kids to give you "couples time."

Best wishes to you.

**** I just want to add that it is poor logic to say a grandparent would be good with your children because they successfully raised your spouse! I know many people (my spouse included) who would be the first to tell you they are the person they are *in spite* of their upbringing, not *thanks to.* Raising kids is a complex symphony of many influences. As the parent, you are the conductor and should not feel pressured to change the tempo if it goes against your instincts.

I have to agree with hubby on the fact that it does sound like you're being a bit overprotective with the kids and his mom. Your kids are 4 and 3 and have never gone out with grandma?? I mean 69 is certainly not that old and I'm sure she drives herself around, the expressway or not, without any problems. Your kids are 4 and 3 and can certainly tell you if someone went wrong, which I doubt it would, and can also make sure to tell grandma if they're hungry or need to go to the bathroom. She wouldn't have to be changing many, if any, diapers...so I'm confused as to what exactly you're worried about. The present thing, I sort of understand, but honestly, if this is their first time out with her one-on-one, I don't think a small gift, toy, token, etc. is really that big of a deal. Part of the specialness of grandparents is to do special things and share special moments and I would be upset if my husband wanted to stop my mom from spending time the my kids. Besides, all that, you really need to cherish Grandma time while it's around...not only for your kids' sake but for yours! If they get used to going with her then they can...SPEND THE NIGHT! Those are the greatest nights in my life right now! ;)

As far as the fighting, I have a feeling that it has more to do with the fact that your husband might feel like you're trying to control everything and he has no say, so he's becoming defensive. I am a major control freak myself and it's hard for me to let go of things, especially when it comes to the kids, but you have to force yourself to do it for the sake of your marriage if nothing else. I think you do need to sit down and talk heart to heart and figure out what's at the root of the fighting. He's clearly on edge about something and it's not about garbage cans!

Good luck! With kids that young and that close together it's hard to focus on your marriage, but take some time out and try to make that a priority.

I'm sorry you and hubby are fighting about this. I do agree you are being a little overprotective. The kids are 3 and 4 and have never been out with grandma. I think that is really sad for grandma and the kids. I think sometimes people forget that grandparents raised your spouse. They must have done something right in the kid department since you picked and are now married to your hubby. I don't think you should ever tell a grandparent not to buy something for their grandchildren, that is part of being a grandparent. That's what they are there to do - spoil then return.

After the kid go to sleep and the house is quiet, talk to you husband and tell him how you feel - he may have somethign bothering that is making him short tempered. Make sure you do nto use any acusatory words no You are.." say "I am feeling..."

Also as far as askign questions - I am the same way, but I have learned to filter a bit - befoer I let it pop out of my mouth, I ask if it really matters... or I reword teh question - in stead of "Why is the garbage pail there?" I might ask "Would it be okay if I moved the garbage pail back where it normally goes?" So if he has a reason for leaving it there he will tell you why it needs to stay...

Good luck!

As far as Grandma goes, I understand your concerns. Luckily my husband and I agreed from the beginning that there was really no need for the grandparents to be driving the kids around town. We have always asked/let the grandparents babysit and have their special time with the grandkids but we either took the kids to their house or the grandparents came to our house, never them driving the grandkids. This was a sore subject with my MIL but it never came up with my parents since they never requested to take the kids out. They didn't want that responsibility anyway.

I would stick to your guns about the driving but I think you could let the toy rule go. Unless she is one to buy everything your son sees, I don't see the problem with her buying one or even two toys for the kids even if it is right before a birthday or Christmas. If they're getting too much, reduce what you buy for them on those occasions (saves you money :-))

The other stuff I really don't have any advice for you except to say that my husband has a tendency to ask questions about stuff that really doesn't matter and I sometimes get testy if I'm stressed about other stuff or busy and I have to stop to satisfy his curiosity over why I decided to move something from point A to point B. Yes your one example makes it seem like your husband was being ridiculous but if he feels like he has to explain everything he does in the house even down to simply moving a garbage can, I could see it getting on his nerves. He may be feeling like he doesn't have any say over anything in the family (he doesn't get to let his mom have the kids and he doesn't get to place the garbage can where he wants it). I would just take a step back and see if maybe your holding onto control a little too tightly and might need to loosen up a bit.

Let me just add that of course I don't know you or your husband. This is just my initial reaction to your brief post. If I'm way off, then I'm sorry I couldn't help and I hope you and your husband work things out.

Good luck,
K.

I'd be upset too if my wife wouldn't trust my mother with our two year old son. Unless shes degenerate or has major health concerns, let it and your kids go. And for God's sake, let her buy your son a gift. That what Grandparents do! I love that our son knows and loves his grandparents, often asking to see them or talk to them by phone.

I understand being overprotective, and it's not unreasonable to have cretain restrictions (what they eat, how late they stay up, no excessive child labor, no alcohol or illegal narcotics, etc.) but let them go, develop their relationship with Grammy, and enjoy the peace and quiet time with your husband.

I think there are a lot more details that you are not including here, so my opinion will be biased - but I don't think it is so bad that a grandmother wants to spend time with her g-children. Even if it is being out all over town with them, that can be a grand memorable adventure for your children! But, I guess there is more to the story that makes you feel funny about the situation. Your explosive husband is not helping, but keep in mind he is likely feeling quite a bit of pressure from his mom and he wants to make her happy.

I would say, while I support your concerns, why don't you try a day with g-ma and the kids, sort of the way she wants it, but on a day when you can get off, or on the weekend like you say? And try not to make too many rules about what you would prefer to happen and not happen while they are there, maybe only limiting it to the one MOST important thing that you would prefer she NOT do (like expressway driving) so that you don't come across like a control freak. I hope that your husband can understand that you need to feel comfortable first before you can let g-ma take the children when and wherever, but you might want to give g-ma a chance to prove herself and see what happens.

While I totally agree with g-ma not taking the expressway (she actually does this?) I think that if she wants to gift her grands with a toy or whatever, you should let her. I really don't think it is a big deal in the end, since you are the mom, and you will still uphold your house rules regardless. Your kids are old enough to get this. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their children! It is their time to enjoy their grandchildren, so let her do it.

i'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Hubby sounds like he is dealing with something too. is he stressed at work, or has something on his mind. what you are asking from MIL is totally reasonable. Here is my take, it sounds like MIL is selfish and doing this for her own needs and not so much because she knows what your kids like and what would be appropriate for them. If this were about the kids she would listen to you and respect your parenting. I can't understand why hubby can't support you on this. It sounds like if he just took a few minutes to lovingly reassure you then it would all be ok.
Not much help but hang in there. maybe someone else has some good ideas.

If I was your husband I would feel like you did not trust me as a parent, or feel I could decide things for my self. It sounds like you are trying to control rather than partner with your husband. I have to agree with your hubby on this one, you need to take a step back and look at how you relate to him. Are you acting like his mother? Or his wife? Does he have a say in his own childrens lives or do you only get to make the chooses?

It definitely sounds like there is more going on between you and your husband.

For the grandma, why does she need to drive them anywhere? Can't they have a day with her at her house? Take a walk? Etc? I am also one that is nervous about anyone else driving my kids around. For the gifts, I think a reminder that their b-day is right around the corner, so she may want to hold off and give it as a birthday gift is fine. But it is up to her if she wants to give more toys. On the other hand it is up to you as a parent to say for every new toy that you get, you have to give one away, or whatever you decide to instill.

I know they are your babies, but I can understand your husband's hurt over your discomfort about Grandma taking the kids.
Also, very tough to restrict the spoiling of a grandkid! It's her right to do that--let it go.
Perhaps your over-protectiveness of the kids is pushing your hubby away because he feels you are too controlling over too many aspects of ALL of your lives.
This woman is not an alien who has never seen a child before, she's their grandma! Let her enjoy them. This is going to cause more problems down the road. My mom is 73 and watches my son ( 7 yo) 2 days/week in the summer. And she always has. All year long before he was in school. She has had cataracts removed from both eyes--she also plays baseball, golf and football with my son. He's lucky to have her so involved in his life. Does he spoil him? You bet. Do I get upset or try to control it? No way. these are memories he'll have all of his life.

You might be being a Tad over protective. I totally understand your viewpoint, and hey they're your kids.

My son is 2 and I WILL NOT let my hubby's mom babysit him alone. BUt my hubby agrees with my decision.
Big reason...My MIL is a very sickly woman, I love her, but she has MANY illnesses and is on A LOT of meds. She also is VERY forgetful
She'll put her dog outside and forget that she did. She'll leave for work the next morning and see her lil dog outside in the snow.
Things like that.

Last time I had her babysit, My son was sleeping and her job was to basically sit around the house while my hubby & I went on a "date".

She ended up going in his room, waking him up to hold him, and left him in his bed with a cup of apple juice that's spout was leaky & half bitten off.

Okay, so these are your babies! I understand, but all in all they need to spend time with grandma and grandpa, even if you would just let them go for an hour or two at a time. It is sad that at ages 3 and 4 they haven't really spend time with their grandparents. You need to loosen up a bit :)
About telling your inlaws not to buy them toys is a bit too much. The grandparents are there to nurture our children and spoil them too :)
Maybe you didn't have a good relationship with your grandparents? or it wasn't really an issue for you, but you need to trust your inlaws a little more and give them credit. 69 as long as she is not very ill, is a good age for sharing some love and a little of wisdom with the kids :)
If needed be, get them a cell phone so you can call them when they are out and about or they can use it in case they have an emergency. But you need to let go a little and enjoy them, and of course let your children enjoy them as well. Your children are not babies, they are at an age they can speak and express themselves, so don't be so over protective with them and give them a little space :) not too much though :)
Blessings

Marriage and family counseling might help you guys resolve alot of this tension . . . good luck.

I agree with you not let letting your MIL take the kids all over town. There is obviously something you are uncomfortable with and have a right to it. My MIL continuously asks to keep my 4 year old for a week at her house and I am just not comfortable with it. For one, they have never stayed with anyone but me and my husband. Second, a week is a long time to be away and they are over 3 hours away so if she wanted to come home it wouldn't be a matter of just driving over to pick her up. The most important reason...I don't know how my husband is alive today with all the things I have seen my MIL and FIL do...MIL runs around in parking lots to "play", doesn't watch the kids if talking while next to a parking lot, doesn't buckle them correctly in the car seat....I could go on and on. I haven't understood why she is so determined to have my daughter without us, anyway. THey play with the kids the first hour we are there and then all the responsibilty is placed back on me and they watch TV....unless of course I ask my husband to change a diaper then my MIL jumps right in to change it for him (b/c poor thing shouldn't change more than one diaper a month, right?).

So, sorry for the long story but I read a couple of other replies and I thought people were coming off a little harshly. They don't know why you aren't okay with the kids spending all day with her.

Hey Heidi,
I think your kids are of an age where you should start letting go a little and let grandma enjoy them. She wants them for a whole day?? You lucky woman!! She wants to buy them a toy?? Let her!! Who cares if it's right before Christmas or a birthday? If it's in her heart and she's not the "over" spoiling type, I think you'll harm your relationship w/ her if you try to be too over-controlling over issues that really aren't a big deal. Time to let go a little, mama :)

BTW, I AM with you on the no-driving if grandma has poor eyesight. But a full day at her home w/ no driving would be totally fine w/ me...

My sister and brother-in-law are reasonably young grandparents (57 & 62) and they have had a hand in caring for all four of their grandchildren since day one. None of their grandchildren ever had an outside of the family sitter until they were old enough for pre-school. All grandchildren have gone on vacation in their motor homes and also taken family vacations with grown kids, grandchildren and in-laws. They are fortunate because everyone gets along and I realize this is not always the case.

A very touching thing my sister said at her retirement party is, “If you think you love your kids, wait til you get a grandchild”.

I understand your concerns and I think the following thing are important:

Both you and your husband are in agreement and back each other up

You have observed how the grandparents interact with your children and they have an understanding of how you and your husband discipline, feed, nap time, bed time etc

Grandparents are in good health, good driving record, have child seats in their car (properly installed), can lift your kids in and out,

Grandparents’ home is child proofed

If you know a grandparent is a drinker, drug user (legal or illegal), I would not allow my child to be in their care

If your having reservations and/or separation anxiety because your children are little, but everything else is OK about the grandparents, I would suggest starting with letting them go for a hour or two at a time and take it from there.

Keep in mind children are a blessing to the grandparents too.

Some alone time may be helpful for you and your husband to sort out some of you differences. He seems to have a short fuse and additional counselling may be needed.

Blessings…..

I know this has been said but just want to say that I know I don't know all of the details here but here is my take.
Both of our MILs live out of state and both FILs are deceased. I would love for our three boys to have "gamas" that wanted them once a week or whatever - so I think its nice she wants them in her life. For someone her age it can be a lot to have a 3 and 4 year old. What if each child had some alone time with Gram? They took turns going out with gram? Then the child that is home could have some alone time with mom or dad. I have 3 boys ages 3 and under and I feel like I can't get enough one on one time with each of them, ya know?
When my mom is in town visiting the boys - eating them up, I do let a lot slide even if it gets under my skin. If its not going to put anyone in the ER, I allow it becuz it's short lived. And my kids know that I am in charge so I"m not worried about them getting "spoiled, etc" when she leaves. I do feel life is short and her time with our sons is precious. I had a mean grandmother when I was little and never wanted to be with her so if your kids want to be with her, that's a great thing.
I'm a control freak and have come a long way since having kids. I have learned to truly pick my battles with my kids AND husband. I have found that the way I say things to him can make or break the situation. For example, instead of saying why is this trash can here? I would say, do you mind if put this back? My husband would still look at me like why are you asking me and then I would say, I just didn't know if you finished using it over here. I get a nice response that answers my question. If my husband was asking me questions all the time I would get annoyed and snap as well. So I try not to ask questions all the time or phrase it differently. I also try not to talk to him in my mother tone but in my friend tone. I have been working on backing off from my husband for about a year and it has done wonders for our marriage. He actually comes to me now. He calls me to see how my day is going, calls when he is working late, hugs me, is supportive when I need to get out of the house, basically does everything I have been asking him to do for last 10 years. My attitude is very aloof with him and I never thought it could be.
I hope you have a better week!!!
Take care,
Trish

I don't have the full story nor do I know your hubby's side nor do I have ALL the tiny details so forgive me if I am wrong BUT it sounds to me that you want to be in control of everything and believe me I understand because I am too but you have to learn how to balance everything and learn to just some things go.
I have issues with my in-laws too but to deprive MY kids of developing a relationship with them wouldn't be doing anything for anyone involved. Now I will say that when my twins were younger it was very rare that I allowed my in-laws to take them anywhere but they didn't really ask either so but now they are much older and they take them places all the time and I have no problem with that because I trust them to take care of my kids and my kids love to go to "grandma's". They have a closer relationship with my mother because she took them on more occassions from very young. I would leave one with her on a Friday night and take the other and we would switch every other weekend for each child. She did so to help me and I agreed because I knew my mom would and could take care of her fully and I knew she wanted that one-on-one "nana" time. You are going to have to learn to "let go" your babies are not so much "babies" anymore and let the poor woman spend some time with her Grandkids! Your children deserve to have that relationship with her whether you like it or not. Even though I don't entirely get along with my husband's parents I have always wanted my kids to have a relationship with them. I don't try to control everything of course now that the kids are older I am getting asked more often and probably why this has become a more pressing issue because she most likely understood those were YOUR "babies" and she remembered how it was. Pretty soon you are going to be sending those kids off to school are you going to trust the school bus driver or are you going to be one of those parents that transports your kids back and forth to school? It killed me to have my kids ride the bus because I was entrusting a stranger with my kids BUT my kids talked about the big girl bus since they were about 4 years old so riding the bus was a big deal and I didn't want to destroy that for them. Besides I had to when I was a child and I'm still alive? You have got to start learning how to let go and let live. Your children are going to be grown before you know it and if you continue to control everything not only will your husband resent you but so will they eventually down the line.
In regards to your hubby he may have some resentment going on that he has no say so over his kids. Maybe he feels like those are YOUR kids and not his because he cannot even have his own mother take them. She raised him so she must have done something right correct? I think you should apologize to your husband and reassure him that his input isn't just being ignored and that you realized he was right in the sense you were being too overprotective so the word he used. I don't agree with that word because any mother is protective but I guess some of us can be at times a little extreme but I don't blame any one mother for doing so because as a mother I myself understand it. Oh and the gifts and such.....let her. That is what Grandparents are for! My kids get something from my mom almost EVERY single time they see her which is alot. I don't care .....my kids appreciate it and get excited but my mom also instills responsability for things as well. If they help her clean house (which my mom loves of course!) she gives them money and tells them how good of a job they did and she appreciated their help so much and she gives them like a couple of bucks. They get so excited about it and can't wait to show me their money they "earned" because they helped "nana" clean. Do your kids yell Yay! when you tell them they are going over to Grandma's? If they don't then that might give you some light that the relationship needs to be nurtured meaning you got to let her have more time with those kids. My husband didn't have a close relationship with his Grandparents because they always lived in a different state growing up. I on the other hand was born and raised here in Georgia and my entire family is here and I saw my Grandparents, spent the night with them and I have very fond memories of them. I was devestated when my Grandfather passed 3 years ago. I will be even more devestated when my Dad's mother passes. My Grandfather (dad's father) passed away when I was 3-I never got to have the same close relationship with him that I have with my grandmother and I often wonder how things would be had he survived longer. I wondered what his reaction would have been when I found out I had twins. This is something that I will never know because I was robbed of that relationship through death. Not something anyone else can control but you are in control of what type of relationship your children have with her....don't be the reason that they say "Oh well I never knew my Grandmother all that well because my mom wouldn't allow us to go".

Having relationships with grandparents is rare these days. I feel sad that so many hardly know them. Unless she has major health problems that would endanger your kids let them be a part of Grandma's life. You mention a sight problem, is it diabetic retinopathy? or cataracts(surgery can be done for this), or another issue, is she passing her eye exams, eye tests for the state and isn't asking you where you moved to because she couldn't "find" your house? Staying off high speed roads acceptable. The people who should be allowed to spoil a child are the grandparents, these days parents have taken over that role and let kids have TV's in their rooms, DVR's, MP3, DSI's, computer games and the grandparent just wants to say your special and we as parents need to cut them a break. I used to try to control all aspects of my children's lives, but have found out that they are much richer personalities having been with family members other than myself 24/7.
I do see that you are an orderly person, everything in it's place sort of person. Let go of some of the control to others and relax and enjoy life. Otherwise if you keep sweating the small stuff, it will come back to you. Let go a little.