Help! - Salt Lake City, UT

We have this trouble too. Our oldest 3 are his/hers with only one of them living with us full time. With the boys it has been best if my husband disiplines them. He knows how they think and I'm a real softy which just doesn't work because they go too far. I agreed to back up my husband's ideas for a month. It worked so well that we do it all the time now. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room because I melt under the puppy dog face but my hubby's immune. Our kids are so much better behaved when they know they can't play us against each other and I've been able to step back in for minor infractions. If the disipline isn't abusive I'd back off and let your husband take over for awhile. If it helps discuss a code word between the both of you for when you think it's getting a little rough and agree that if the code word is used you will excuse yourselves from the room, cool off, discuss it and then go back as a united front. It won't take long before you son gets the idea

Do you trust your husband? It doesn't sound like it. Long ago when I married my husband he had three kids and I had one (Later we had two more). I remember my husband saying to me."Don't make me choose between you and my children because I will choose my children every time" Even if this statement is not said out loud the children know it. They could do anything because the ultimate authority would do nothing or very little. So consequently life was HELL for me. If we hadn't lived 3000 miles away from family I would have left him high and dry but we were across country from family and I was stuck. So I gave him an ultimatum. Long story short we decided on discipline. But the biggest issue behind this is "Do you trust each other?" Do you trust him not to harm your children but to do what is best for them. Even if he sees it in a different way than you do? If you will trust and do this TOGETHER you will find that a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders. This is ultimately about the relationship between you and your husband and not the kids. That will be easy once this is decided. After this is decided you will present a UNITED front and that is worth GOLD!

I would suggest you both get into "Parenting with Love and Logic" By Jim Fey. (they also have a website to order books, CD's etc.) It's a way to help your child become responsible and gives guidelines for you and your husband to follow that help with relationship building not resentment and punishments. It helped me to enforce natural consequences with compassion. I think that would fit both you and your husband's ideas. The only thing that makes it work is if both you and your husband are committed to changing and staying consistent with the new way of doing things. My son's behavior has changed so much since we put the responsibility on him to be good, not just punished him for "Being bad". My relationship is better with him since I stopped yelling and punishing. And my husband has learned not to be so protective and enabling. I have found great insights as to what works and what I was doing that made things worse. I hope this helps!

it is sometimes difficult for stepfamilies to learn to share parenting decisions. I'm guessing you are a little too easy-going if your son is behaving in these inappropriate ways, by the way and your husband is too strict to try and balance things out. It is very very common and I see it all the time in the families I see in my practice as a marriage and family therapist.

The most important thing is for the two of you to agree on how to parent your son. Try reading some of the great parenting books, like Love & Logic, and some of the great books on stepfamilies, like Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal.

take care, S.

You need to talk to your husband about what you can both agree on for rules and consequences. Tell him you really, really want to work it out. Now you might have to be stricter than you think you should be because being "lax" isn't working anymore.

Then you need to sit down with your son together. You have to be the disciplinarian because most kids don't take to the step-parent, but he can be involved by enforcing rules that are the "house rules" or by telling him that he'll have to talk to Mom about it when she gets home. It really works when you work together and you stick to the rules no matter what, even if it's a inconvenience at the time for you, but that's how they learn and they know they are loved when you do.

It seems like your son is having some issues that need to be addressed. It is hard dealing with a husband that is not the biological father. They just don't seem to understand and tend to want to be harder on step-sons than they would their own. You didn't state how long you have been married for or the length of time the behavior has been going on for. Maybe your son is having issues dealing with everything. He may just be doing it to get attention, either way it may be time for some tough love. I would have a sit down with your son and husband. Let your son know that his behavior is unacceptable and ask him what he thinks should be done about it. Have him choose some consequenses from a list that you and your husband have come up with. It can be a hard thing to deal with, hang in there. Stephanie L

Listen to your husband. Unless he is suggesting abusive consequences, you need to follow his lead. Please treat this very seriously. How lucky you are to have a male role model for your son! He understand the way a boy thinks and he knows that you need to take care of this situation now or it will only get worse. (Those teeanage years are coming.) Continue to develop a close relationship with your son. Spend lots of time with him, especially doing things he enjoys and encourage your husband to do the same. Keep your expectations clear and follow through on the consequences you and your husband create. It is so hard to say, "You're right. I need help developing better consequences. Will you help me?" Try the humble approach and your husband may be more willing to sit down and talk with you.

I wish I had more time to formulate my thoughts, but I'm running out the door. Feel free to write me personally.

T.

As a former teacher, I would say the best solution is quality time. and here it is christmas break! So get your son out laughing with only you. Try Chuck cheese or some place. then when you sit down, get him to talk. HIt maybe likely he doesn't feel like you are giving him your time and acting out is a way to get it. hen, also, have your husband take hi out a lone to a fun place (your two fun things for the holidays...a present for him?) and get to laugh together and bond. Work on positive prevention and attention and avoid the negative consequences. then, on the other end, you set down the consistant limits and consequences and you do the punishment. If this is a new relationship, especially, it is hard for your son to listen to you husband. He can be punished when you get home as he is older now and the consequences don't have to be immediate. Some times that is better...oh, let me think on what to do about this...I promise to make it good and fair. Try Love and Logic...Avoiding power struggles (tape in libary.

My 9 year old does the same thing. I think your consequences have to fit the crime. I recently uped the ante with grounding. Instead of two days, I ground him for four or five days.

It's really hard when the parents aren't on the same page with dicipline. You need to talk it out, get on the same page. You both have to use the same technique. Read 1, 2, 3 Magic or Love and Logic. They both work.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!!!!

I just read a parenting book, Parenting by the Book, and he suggested that parents don't necessarily need to make consequences fit the crime. He suggested making consequences for actions that you really don't want repeated much bigger and more memorable than what fits the crime. It made a lot of sense to me in that kids can get used to "normal" consequences, but the over and above ones can really curb behavior. For instance, grounding to their room (with no phone, computer, TV, etc...) for a week--only coming out for school, bathroom and meals. Or for riding a bike where he was not allowed to go, taking his bike away for the rest of the summer, not the rest of the week. If you do this, the consequences are so significant that they are a serious deterrent for future disobedience.

Good Luck!

my opinion is that there isn't quiet enough information to fully have a good grasp on this situation. all i can tell you is that i feel all children no matter what age need a routine. and discipline shouldn't change unless there is none. if you take away privileges and the behavior doesn't change take away more. other than that has anything happened that would make your child feel he is in need for attention no matter what kind?

I have an 8 year old son with similiar issues. We actually saw a therapist because it was getting so bad. Basically what the therapist said, in a very detailed manner, is consistency. Choose your consequence and stick with it, then keep moving on. Like start with time out, then move on to losing consequences... That kind of thing. I know this works because lately I've been a little lax about the time out and consequences and I can see the behavior coming back. I've got to nip it in the bud.

Anyway, make a set of rules. Make sure that your DS knows and understands the rules. Sit down with your husband, come up with the rules and consequences, then sit down with your DS and lay them out for him. Then, the tricky part is: STICK WITH IT! Sometimes it's easier not to... It will be worth it to do it.

Hi R.,
I don't have a lot of advice here, since my son is only 5, but I want to assure you that my husband and I have the exact same issues even if he is the biological father. I agree that setting consistent consequences is the best thing to do, but I often have to remind my husband that the woman he married is a softie and although I always try to be consistent with what we've agreed to do, I can't change who I am. I completely admire tough-as-nails moms, but I'm not one of them. Reading the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (faber/mazlisch) helped give me ideas on how to be consistent without feeling like a drill sergeant.
Good luck.