Does Anyone Have Helpful Tips on My Son?

So he's a senior with no plan and he's already started "checking out."
I assume he's not going to college. That's probably why he doesn't care about his grades.
At this point I don't really know why YOU are so focused on his grades, unless he's not going to graduate from high school?
Ideally you would be helping him figure out a next step, job? vocational training? community college?
You can't punish an 18 year old into being something you want him to be. What you CAN do is offer love and support, and if necessary, give him a time frame to find a job and another place to live after he graduates from high school.

I think I need to copy from another member: Your son is NOT doing it because the consequences don't fit the "crime". TOUGH LOVE.

Give him a deadline and a STRONG consequence for NOT making the deadline and follow through.

When my kids CHOSE not to listen to me? I made their lives HARD. NO TV. NO FRIENDS. NO PHONE. They would sit next to me while I knitted or wrote and if I was cooking a meal? They sat in the kitchen with me. Told them if they can't behave, they have to sit next to mommy until they can listen and follow the rules. they HATED it. So much so that they would go above and beyond not having to sit next to me with no TV. NO CELL. NO tablet. NO NOTHING. They'd hold my yarn. We'd talk. But I intentionally made it hard.

Your son has no desire. He might need mental help. He may need a hard, swift kick in the pants.

what have you tried that has not worked? does he have consequences for these unwanted behaviors?
all you give us are examples of unwanted behavior but you don't say what you are trying. please consider adding some details on what you have tried, and what your goals are.

J.

Welcome to mamapedia....

Your son is doing these things because he CAN. He has no consequences for NOT following the rules. YOU have allowed him to skate.

If you DO NOT want him to be 21 and living at home like another poster? I'd say TOUGH LOVE is in his forecast!

It sounds like he is actively fighting growing up.
He is 18.
Whether he like it or not - he is an adult.
He can marry or join the military without your permission.
He can also be tried as an adult if he commits any crimes.

He needs to work on his exit plan - because he is NOT going to live with you forever unless you let him.
It would be best for him to learn some hard life lessons right now.

You need to sit down with him and discuss what he intends to do after graduation.
Doing nothing is not an option.
He needs to go to college or get a job or join the military.
If he stays home - set up a rental agreement in writing with all the rules and responsibilities written out.
Rent, chores, privileges, house rules, etc.
Have an expiration date so it must be renegotiated periodically.
If he violates the terms - evict him.

With the examples you give - I'd have him seeing a therapist.
Trouble you have now is - you can't force him to see one - unless you have him evaluated and declared legally incompetent.

This is going to be a hard row to hoe and it may take a long time before you see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck.

When I finished college I was working 2 fast food jobs to keep me in resume money.
My mom gave me a dead line to find a job in my field and move out.
If I hadn't found a job (and I did just in the nick of time) I was going to join the Navy.
I took the ASVAB - scored very well - and they wanted me so bad.
But I got the job offer and moved where it was several states away.
I was married and we bought our first home 3 years later.

I agree that you need to completely disengage yourself from anything having to do with school. At age 18, he should not have a parent checking on his school work or assigning extra school work. Kindly but firmly tell him that school is his responsibility now that he's an adult, and it's up to him whether he gets that diploma or not, or whether he gets the education he needs so he can get a job, a car, an apartment, etc. Don't even look at his grades. Let the school, the teachers, the staff mete out any punishment (failing him, expelling him, etc).

Grounding and removing access to video games are really not appropriate for an adult such as your son. That's for when our kids are 7, or 11, or maybe 14.

If your son is going to stay in your home and throw away his future, you can make his home life as plain and simple as possible. No remote controls to anything, no WiFi (lock it with a password), no food except bread and peanut butter, no sodas. If the dog is his, send it to a foster family or adopt it out. If it's yours, feed it yourself.

Stop asking several times that he complete a task. Simply tell him that if he does not contribute to the household (by cleaning up, by being responsible, by doing small chores without being asked), then he will not be permitted to remain in the household. Give him a short deadline.

he's a little old for disciplinary consequences at this point.

sometimes you have a to let a kid fail.

tell him that it's his business if he wants to head out into the adult world without so much as a high school diploma. that you're done policing his homework.

stop mommying him through the chores. if he refuses to pitch in, stop pitching in on his behalf. don't cook for him, or do his laundry. tell him that he needs to provide his own crockery or buy disposables if he won't clean up. stop providing him with internet, wifi and any devices that he hasn't paid for.

if he wants to be schlocky adult, give him a taste of how schlocky adults live.

be prepared to give him an ultimatum about living at home without a job, a diploma or any motivation. an ultimatum about how it's not going to fly.

having made it to 18 and arriving with zero sense of courtesy, appreciation or motivation, this poor young man needs a wake up call. since he hasn't received it yet at home, he may very well need to venture out into the world unprepared in order to get it.

khairete
S.

We can't help anyone who doesn't want help, especially when they're 18 and an adult. My nearly 18 yo grandchild lives with me. My counselor said I have to let go and allow them to have the natural consequences that happen when they make poor decisions. Consequences given by life and not by me. I still give consequences for actions related to boundaries I set for her to live in my house. The ones I focus the most on is no smoking pot or cigarettes or drinking alcohol in my house and doors are to be left open. I've confiscated bongs. They do comply with doors open. She has dropped school. I expect that she'll pick it up when she experiences difficulty getting a well paying job once she starts having to pay rent. Natural consequences will teach much better than my lectures and my anger.

Your son's school work is his responsibility. Tell him that you're not going to be involved with school issues. Same for the responsibilities at home. Doesn't feed and water the dog; the dog goes away. If you want to keep the dog, you take over that chore. It's not a hill to die on.You can't make him do it.

For him to learn, consequences have to fit the "crime." It's also your responsibility to take care of you. Do not give him a consequence that interferes with your life. If you want to keep the dog, you feed and water him.

I suggest nothing is working as far as your consequences go, because you've become personally invested, spending hours trying to force him to do as you say. It's become a power struggle during which you seem to have all the power. His normal reaction is to not do what you ask. This gives him power over you. I suggest, based on personal experience with my siblings, my daughter and my grandchildren, that you let go. Allow him to make decisions about the things that directly affect him. For example, school.

As for him not doing chores to meet your standards stop trying to force him to do them right. As you see it isn't working to correct him. Just say in a calm neutral voice, "thank you for doing it" and ignore the rest. I learned this with my daughter. She was unwilling to follow my directions. Both of us were angry. She was 7yo and difficult. I started giving her the responsibility of doing the chore. I didn't stay in the room and I didn't complain about her sloppy job. Eventually, once she knew that this was unimportant to me, she improved her way of doing the chore. And....I eventually realized my relationship with her was more important than chores done "right." I focused on building a positive relationship by thanking her when she made an effort to do a chore.

I listened more than talked. We had casual conversations about what we would do that included both fun activities and chores together. We talked about her interests. I bought the crafts she wanted to do.

Making that change was definitely not easy. I found help and support from a counselor. I suggest you get help in turning around your negative relationship with your son. You're in a battle with him. A battle in which neither one of you will win. Both of you are angry. You cannot force him into counseling but you can get counseling that will help you learn a way to live with less anger.

I seriously recommend reading the book Love and Logic for Teens. Love and Logic have a couple of web sites that will give you information about parenting.

Once I focused on finding happiness for me without expecting anything from her, I was happier and my relationship with my adult daughter gradually changed.

I also had counseling focused on the way I depended on others to be happy. If suggest you read about co-dependence. There are several helpful books.

Of course you want your son to be successful. You worry. You feel like a failure. You're angry because he isn't listening to you while you see him failing. You desperately want him to be responsible. You cannot change him with lectures and consequences. You tried that and it's not working. However, once he realizes that he, alone, is responsible for himself, he is more likely to eventually change. You have to let him suffer the consequences; to stop trying to protect him from the life you see for him. I suggest taking your focus off him and onto your self in ways that will give you satisfaction. Give your son responsibility for his life.

As a parent, you get credit with the tough kids, the ones that pose challenges. Your son is angry at something. The first thing is to give him a big hug and tell him you love him. You need to listen and try to understand what is bothering him.