What Would You Do If You Were in Her Place?

He's 19. He is a man. He is acting like a little boy. It shocks me. So, in 4 months, does anyone really think he will be all grown up and responsible just because he has "graduated?" He needs to man up. I can't wrap my head around this, seriously. At 17 my son owned his own business. At 18, he is hiring men to work for him, he can't keep up with his growth on his own. He is mentoring and training other young men to do what he is doing so that they can work for him. He gets up very early in the morning to get to work (he works from home), and goes to bed late after working all day. In other words, he doesn't lay in bed waiting for him mommy to wake him up. He's a man. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging or whatever, but I am just sharing that I totally don't get it. Is she a single mom? Where is his dad? That my be part of the problem. Boys need good fathers to teach them how to be men. I have no idea what to tell her, but to let him be a man and stop treating him like a baby. If he can't get up to an alarm clock, then he reaps the consequences.

If I were her, I'd let him screw up completely and have the truancy officers come and arrest him (yes they can do that). And, since he is 19 I don't think that she would be held legally responsible since he is considered an adult.

I think she's done all she could and by continuing to save his butt she would be enabling him.

She's tried to help him and now it is time for him to learn the harsh, serious consequences of his actions and take accountability for himself. Let the truancy officers show up and haul his butt away...that might be the wakeup call he needs.

I would drop his butt off on my way to work and let him stand outside in the cold until school opens. I think I would do whatever it took to get him through the next 4 months so that he at least has a high school diploma then I would send him packing unless he either goes to college or gets a job. Let him see how hard the real world is.

He is old enough to get his GED and enroll in college. Legally, she can't be held responsible if he cuts classes still. She can't force him to go to school at his age, what else should she do, wipe his butt when he goes to the potty?

What she needs to do is sit down with him and create a game plan as in, by July 2011 you need to have either a full time job, or a GED and enrolled in community college or in the military, Plus you will paying rent whether you stay here or go somewhere else. What you do now will determine your future outcome. Then she needs to stick with her guns. Actually, I would encourage him to drop out of school and get his GED and study for the SATS!

Just b/c he's a bum now doesn't mean he will continue to be, people do change, but usually only after they have a wake-up call. But she needs to be very clear in her consequences so she doesn't end up with him mooching for the next 20 years, perhaps it will motivate him.

I've been in her shoes. she needs to snap him out of it soon. She NEEDS to tell him to move out or attend school regularly and then she'll have to kick him out cuz he wont take it seriously. If he comes bak after a week or so and begs she could try again. It is so hard to kick your own son out of the house, but he will sleep on her couch for the next 40 yrs if she continues to feed him and not charge him rent. He will be too lazy to get a job and go to it every day. I'm talking from experience

Personally I would not only not sign him back in but would kick him out of the house. Drive him to a homeless shelter if need be and let him figure it out. If he wants back in, he better get a job/be in school full time/get a GED/ or something other than get into trouble. I am big on tough love though, mostly because it was the only thing that got me to get my act together.

Here's what I would do....
Take away cell phone, computer, tv, etc.
Get him up immediately after she gets up
Drop him off at school on her way to work
If he's not ready to leave, when she is, then she leaves without him
If he's tardy, it's his problem not hers
If he doesn't go to school, she no longer pays his way

Your friend is not giving up on him, she's just no longer enabling him. Good for her!!!!!!!!!!!

If he was my son, I would be waking his lazy bum up and dropping him off at school on my way to work...who cares if he is early! That's the price you pay for being lazy and not being responsible enough to get himself there!

There is NO way I would let him flake out 4 months from graduating, uh-uh, no way, not on my watch!

If he is still being a lazy bum after he graduates school then he is out on his own...

since she leaves before he does can she drop him off at school so he does not have to walk and she knows he is there. usuall they let students hang in the library or the cafeteria. he is so close to graduating he needs that piece of paper. after he is done with school than it is up to him to get a job a support himself.

The "Kid" if you want to call him that is 19 years old. I think its time she cut the cord. Im sure she wouldnt wipe his bum, or cut his meat into bite size pieces if he asked her to. I think at this point he needs to start taking responsibility for his choices. What happens when he does graduate and gets a job? Is she expected to get him up every morning and then call him a bunch of times to make sure he goes to work? I dont think so. He is definitely old enough to know that nothing good is going to come from his actions. I dont blame your friend for being done with it. Congrats to her for sticking it out as long as she has

Hi - I have a 19-year old daughter. She is in college, although I sometimes think it's a miracle she graduated from h/s. We "over managed" her in high school - did not allow her the opportunity to "fail" and then recover - we made sure she didn't fail. BIG mistake. As a result, she is really struggling now. There is a great book (title below) that advocates for "natural consequences" - your child forgets their lunch, they eat a stale PB&J the school provides. They forget their homework, they have to deal with the teacher and consquences. You get the picture. While we do this with child #2, we were constantly "bailing out" the 19-year old. It has not served her well.

I agree with your friend - he is 19, for heaven's sake. It is time for him to experience the consequences of HIS choices (and they are his) - it is his ONLY hope of changing. It is HIS life - your friend has hers and that's enough. My daugther has been struggling with what to do next year as she is unhappy in her current situation for several significant reasons (including the death of a life-long friend in September). She was afraid to tell us she was unhappy and struggling. When we found out, we told her, "you have many choices - to transfer, to take a year off and do community service work, to do something else; we don't care what you do, as long as you do something". She has found several overseas programs and is putting all the pieces in place HERSELF - this is new for her. My job now is to support her, guide her and push back a little ("have you thought about this...?") - not tell her what to do; not to manage her life. After her friend died, she stopped doing school work for a month. I was sure she would flunk out and was willing to let the chips fall where they might (in spite of the $55K/year) - as long as she is living and breathing, we'll deal with the rest.

She can give him choices which reflect the consequences of his actions - "if you don't graduate, you have 30 days to get a job; we will not support you in any way after that" - or whatever. This needs to be communicated CALMLY and then walk away. Now, the ball is in his court. Painful for the parents, but extremely effective.

Good luck!

He is 19 years old. It is time he start to take responsibility for himself. If she continues to check up on him and play his keeper he will never learn responsibility on his own. If she continues then she enables his behavior, which I think she has done to this point anyway. I am on her side. If he wants to act like an irresponsible adult (which by definition of the law he is an adult) then so be it. He'll learn soon enough. I think she should even go a step further. He needs to do his own laundry, chores, etc. If he doesn't act as a contributing member of the household, at 19, then he needs to find another place to live.

Time to let the boy grow up. Sounds like he's never really faced the responsibility of his actions. So if he doesn't graduate, then he doesn't graduate. It's disappointing, but with behavior like that getting a HS diploma isn't going to solve things.
My parents finally did this with my youngest brother -- my mom had been at bat for him most of his life, just like your friend. Waking him up, calling him twice, etc. Finally she and my dad sat down with him and said, "If you want to graduate on time this is what you have to do. If you want to do it we will support you and help you in reasonable ways (they then outlined what reasonable was -- stuff you would normally do to help an adult). If you don't want to do it and you drop out of school you will be expected to get a job and contribute to the family finances. After you are 18 you can live here and pay rent or you can find an apartment on your own."
Basically, he tried but still didn't graduate on time -- got his final credits done in summer school the summer after so he still got a diploma. He continued to live with my parents for a few more years, but he paid rent when he wasn't going to school and now he's a very successful, lives on his own and takes care of all his own stuff, adult. Some kids need a kick in the pants wake up call to finally get it.

Well, if it was my kid, his butt would be in the car when I left for work in the morning and I would personally deliver him to school. It's early, I know, but I would at least know where I dropped him off and at what time.
Any excuses for not being in class on time would be just that. Excuses.
The other thing is that at 19, he is an adult, although still a student.
I'm a December baby and had to wait a year to start school, so I was 18 as a senior. I signed all my own papers if I was late or absent for whatever reason. But, I went to school, took college classes at the same time, and I graduated.
If a 19 year old high school student doesn't care about graduating, he doesn't care about graduating. What she's been doing hasn't exactly motivated him. He should also have a job. What is she supposed to do? Make sure he's on time for that too?
There is a time when you let your kids figure it out for themselves.
He's almost 20 years old, not nine.
Sorry, but I can't blame her if she's done trying.

Hmmm -it's too bad she didn't let him fail and accept responsibility when he was younger. He's already 19 and still in high school, but she needs to toughen up or she's still going to be waking him up and begging him to find a job or not to be late for his job and get fired when he's 30. There are GED programs out there. She needs to let him fail if that's what he decides to do. Tonight she should sit down with him and tell him that since he's 19, she's done with babying him because it obviously hasn't worked, so from now on he's responsible for getting up and getting where he's supposed to be on time. If he can't do that, then he'll have to accept the consequences. If it means he doesn't graduate, then he will still have to move out, find a job, etc. She needs to make sure he understands that as of June, if he is not the recepient of a high school diploma, he MUST move out and find a way to support himself. All she's doing is enabling an adult at this point and it will only get worse. She has to be prepared to see him flounder though! He really needs a swift kick in the a$$!

Your friend is right and you need to stay out of it. Face it, at 19 years old, the kid is an adult and it is no skin off your nose if he doesn't graduate.

I would tell tell him not going is unnaccaeptable. I would take him before I went to work, maybe work something out with the office and have him sit in the office until it's time. Being embarrassed and forced to get up even earlier would be more of a punishment. I think she will be very upset with herself if she lets him miss out on a HS diploma. That will definitely lead him on the road to failure.

If I were her, I'd do exactly what she's doing. He's 19 years old and if she continues to coddle him, he's never going to learn. What happens after he graduates (if she continues to hold his hand and do what you suggest) when he gets a job? Is going to have to wake him up and make sure he gets to work on time? And then when he gets fired whose going to have to take care of him? (Not you!)

I think she's absolutely right. If he wants to go to school that bad, he needs to get his butt out of bed and get to school. He's an adult and needs to start acting like it.

He is 19 years old, he is an adult acting like a child. Your friend is an enabler to her own son and the longer she keeps on this path it is only going to get worse. Support her and her decisions with her son right now, it's not that she wants to give up but your friend needs to give him a wake up call and if it means not graduating well guess what her son needs to take OWNERSHIP of his life, it is not your friends duty to take him by the hand in life, she is his Mother not his friend.

sounds to me like the kid is at a crossroads of some kind. not graduating is gonna pave the way for all kinds of problems for his future, and it sounds like he would very easily go down that road. i dont know, im not in her situation, its so hard to judge when you arent in someones shoes. but, education is one thing that he will always have, his degree is something that he will always have to his benefit when he wakes up and sees the light. at some point he will probably wake up and realize he wants to make a life for himself, and not having his degree will put up all kinds of roadblocks for him. it sounds like she has gone through so much to get him this far, its so close, she must be so fed up, but come hell or high water i would see that he graduates.

Here's an idea: She can drive him to school before leaving for work.

Tough on him if he doesn't want to get up earlier to be ready when she needs to leave. He's given up any "right" to sleep later, because he has proven to be untrustworthy and irresponsible in getting himself to school on time. The law ways that he must attend school, so the law trumps his wishes (it's not a "right") to sleep as late as possible and leave on his own.

If the school isn't open that early, he can sit on the porch of the school--sleep there if he wants--until it opens. But, he'll probably be embarrassed to let other teens see him sleeping there.

If he isn't dressed when she's ready, he'll just have to finish at school. (I had to do that one with my daughter during junior high, and it only took two mornings of REALLY leaving at the designated time, with her clothes in hand, to get her take it seriously.)

Also, it's likely that he's staying up very late at night texting or on a computer or iPhone. She can check the phone records for the times of calls. She shouldn't accept bs about the texts or calls being "from friends, and I'm not the one calling that late" if the records show that they last more than a few seconds or texts are answered.The phone can be handed over to her before he goes to bed, and returned in the morning.

Until he acts like a man, he cannot be treated like one.

Has he always been like this?? He’s 19. WOW!! If he has always been a flake about school, then he will not change now. Gosh, I don’t even know what I would do in this situation. Of course as the parent you want to help your child but enabling his behavior may not be helping at all. At 19 he is an adult and he is clearly irresponsible.

That there is still a chance he may graduate tells me he has is not a complete failure. Meaning he has enough credits to graduate and isn’t a straight F student.

I guess what I would do is everything I could to get him to graduate and if after that he wasn’t changing, I would give up.

Are her work hours flexible at all? Can she drive him to school on her way to work? Does he see a school counselor? Has she gone to the school to talk about what the options are?

I would probably explore every avenue and get him as much help as possible before giving up on him completely. I mean there is a REASON why he is behaving like this.

well, it doesn't seem like there's much you can do about it...but that so wouldn't fly in my house, that said it sounds like she is a single mom and has had to work and try to raise a child on her own.

If you want to be helpful offer to pick her son up every morning for the next 4 months and take him to school. If it were my dear friends son? I would do it. I wouldn't be sweet about it either, I'd be militant mama. Like it or don't like, he better have his butt in the seat of my car ready for school. Otherwise, is there a truant officer or a father figure? Someone has to put the clamp down on him. He's almost 18, he needs to know someone cares enough to do this for him and he needs to finish what he started--school.

Updated

well, it doesn't seem like there's much you can do about it...but that so wouldn't fly in my house, that said it sounds like she is a single mom and has had to work and try to raise a child on her own.

If you want to be helpful offer to pick her son up every morning for the next 4 months and take him to school. If it were my dear friends son? I would do it. I wouldn't be sweet about it either, I'd be militant mama. Like it or don't like, he better have his butt in the seat of my car ready for school. Otherwise, is there a truant officer or a father figure? Someone has to put the clamp down on him. He's almost 18, he needs to know someone cares enough to do this for him and he needs to finish what he started--school.

I think it is her responsibility to make sure he is up and ready and drop him off at school on her way to work. She needs to talk to her boss and tell them she is going to get this child to school every morning and will be late if needed. Her son's punishment doesn't need to be him getting his way and dropping out of school but to be forced to get and go. If he is 18 then there is nothing she can do in reality except let him choose or move out but she needs to make sure if at all possible that he gets to at least get his high school diploma.

I certainly would not spend a cent on him for college if this is how he acts about going to high school. He would have to get a job and prove himself responsible about getting up and getting to where he needs to be.

I would go down and talk to the school. Ask if he can be dropped off early for the next four months and drop him off to school before going to work. Or I would arrange a friend, grandparent, or someone to take him to school. (Since its only 4 months, it seems she could find someone to help out) Everyone needs a HS diploma, its important and trying to make up after is more difficult. I would do what I could to ensure my child got at least their HS diploma.

Essentially he is truant and in most states the parents can be taken to court by the school district (and pay steep fines). If I was your friend, I would make sure he gets to school on time every day, that means drop him off. If he doesn't like getting up early for that, then tell him too bad, he had his chance to get up later, but he wasn't responsible enough to get himself to school on time. If he continues this, he will not be graduating. Not to mention, with habits like this, he won't be able to hold down a job which means he'll be living at home for a long time, unless mom lays down the law about how important being punctual is.

I haven't read all the answers, but she's definately been enabling him to this point. Stopping that is not "giving up." It's probably the best thing she can do. You said her son was 19. He's been an adult for over a year and he has to depend on his mom waking him up and calling him several times? Umm....no, that's not reasonable. If he cared, he'd move his butt and get there on time. He can always complete school later if wants, but he's an adult and she needs to let him be an adult and take responsibility. Also, how stressful might it be for her to be doing -or trying to do, all of the real work? She wakes him up, calls him, then has to sign notes for him to get back to school? Ridiculous. She needs a little freedom. He's 19, and there are better ways to support him and show him love. The one she needs to do now is make him be responsible. She's done it for him for too long, and she needs a break too. Who cares if it's just what he wants? She can charge him rent, etc, if he doesn't finish school and start teaching him to be responsible. That will help both of them. Sorry, but she was right on this. You are wrong. The coddling has to stop at some point.

He is trying to saboutage his own success and she is letting him-weird? I would move heaven and earth to facilitate his graduation-he's already a little old to be in high school-19-and it sounds like he has a bad case of "senioritis" . He probably just needs a little major success under his belt to get him motivated. I would call a meeting with his instructors and administrators and nip this in the bud-I would drop him off at school and go to work late and take a pay cut to help my son graduate. I would quit working, if need be, to get him through, if that is what it is going to take. It sounds like he has no plans for next year, most universities have a look back and will rescind an acceptance if the 2nd semester grades drop signifigantly.

Your friend is right. He's old enough to get himself to school. He can face the consequences of his actions - if it means not graduating, then so be it. He can then work on his GED at night, get a job, and pay rent. Hopefully the prospect of missing out on Senior class events, graduation, etc. will be the wake-up call he needs to take responsibility for himself but if not, oh well. There are worse things than missing out on the last part of HS and having to get a GED instead. I would imagine that this child isn't ready for college now anyway, so if this sets him back a year or so, it just means that he'll invest in his future training (college, technical school, work etc.) when he's matured a bit and is ready to take on the responsibility.

Has anyone checked to see if this boy (yes boy) is clinically depressed or on drugs? He needs to see a doctor first. I would not let him fail 4 months before graduating, but set a deadline for him to get out after he graduated.

I had a exchange student I woke up every day so he would not miss (high school) class. The reason was, if he missed the bus, I would have to take him. He was a night owl and could not go to sleep early. But, now he has his PhD and teaches an 8am university class, and he makes it on time.

Mom has done all she can (and should do) in helping her DS with this. At this point, the natural consequences of his choices MUST be allowed to play out or he'll learn nothing. He's old enough to face up to this. His answer to her proves that he is able to do what he needs to do, just not willing. I don't think it helps anything when parents intervene to "protect" their kids from the consequences of their actions, esp at this age. Helping them learn independence means they'll fail sometimes and if/when they do, they'll have the experience to draw on.

Honestly, I'd like to think I'd stand my ground like your friend; but, given he's so close to graduating, I'd probably just keep nagging him and then send him to the military the day after graduation. She's just frustrated, because it all really is so irritating.

She's right. He's more than old enough to be responsible for HIS decisions. She's done all she can. Now it's time for tough love.

I love the suggestion that if he behaves like a child, he should have a bedtime -- obviously he's too tired to get up in time so should have bedtime like a ten year old. LOL. However, I wouldn't know how you'd enforce that with a 19 year old!!

I would tell him to either start getting to school on time or that if he got suspended again he could look into what is required to get a GED. He wouldn't get to graduate with his class but he would be able to get a job!! I would stop all the calling etc too, he is old enough to get to school.

Justamom's idea is great. That is what I would do, too.

I think it's easy for people to talk tough (i.e. let him fail, natural consequences, etc) when they are not in this situation. Those were my inclinations when I first read this question too. But, in truth, I think if it were my child I would do ANYTHING in my power to help/force him to get a high school diploma. If my child left my house without their diploma, I would feel like I had failed in my biggest job (whether that is true or not, it's how I would feel). Yes, once he is out of the house he will have to make his own decisions about whether to prosper or to fail, but until then I would move heaven and earth to make sure he did not fail. I agree with the ideas of waking him up early, driving him to school, taking away privileges, etc. Yes, he is 19 and legally an adult, but if he is living in her home she still has leverage. I would tell her to KEEP TRYING!!

he is 19. nagging him isn't suddenly going to become a positive influence. i'm totally with her. this young man is at a point to make his own decisions, including bad ones. he NEEDS to make bad ones, apparently. no 19 year old should have his mommy setting his alarm and calling him to make sure he's where he ought to be. the time to have kids take responsibility for their own actions starts long before this, but if it hasn't, then this is the moment.
is it incredibly stupid for him to leave school this close to graduating? yes. is it the end of his life and career possibilities? of course not. but he apparently needs to taste sloth and failure for a while before he gets motivated to see what success looks like. and yes, success can certainly include a GED. both of my homeschooled sons got GEDs and phi theta kappa in college.
letting him....no FORCING him to take responsibility for his own actions is not 'giving up on him.' it's good parenting. and it's not to late for either of them.
i'm in her corner.
khairete
S.

I haven't read all the responses, but if it were my kid, I would expect him at 19 years old to be able to get himself to school on time! I would not call to wake him - especially multiple times!!! He needs to get an alarm and learn some responsibility! I would give him until graduation then insist he get a full time job and either move out or pay rent. If he didn't graduate, I would give him a specific date by which he has to move out, say July first. Let him deal with life on his own. He needs to know how hard it is to find a decent job without a diploma, and how hard it is to pay rent and bills without a decent job!

i would take him to school every day and sit in class with him til the bell went off for a week. tell him that if he's late again you'll come and sit with him again for a week.

This is called tough love.

He's 19 years old. kick him out of house and make him responsible for himself. He can't be "lazy" when he's responsible for himself.

He can study for his GED and not have to go to school. But at 19 - he should be on his own and paying rent. If he can't pay rent to her, too bad - she's now a land lord, not his "mom" and he will be evicted.

best of luck to her.

This is so hard and I thank God it is not my problem yet but I get the impression that she has been helping/enabling him for quite a while. If only she had let him fall flat on his face at 12 or 16 or whatever age he was when he started acting rebellious. Now he is 19, about to graduate and she has to make a tough decision. He has to hit rock bottom before he can pick himself up. Too bad it has to be like this but I think she needs to do it. Not graduation from high school with only 4 months left will come back to bother him as he gets older, has kids of his own, etc. And a GED is good but it will hold him back from some things...hopefully he will go to college. My husband is a recruiter for the Army and they are so full they are not accepting people with GED's - so that isn't always a sure thing. Anyway, I hope I have the strength to watch my kids fail in order to bring them back up stronger - to make them successful adults. Hopefully, it won't be too harsh but I can do it when they are younger and I can watch them to be sure they get up. But at 19, he is an adult. What does he hope to do with his life? And I think if she dropped him off at school, he wouldn't go in on time. He would probably walk away as soon as his mom drove away. He doesn't want to go to school, plain and simple. If he liked it, he would be there. If he had respect for his mother, he would be there. Sounds like a selfish, lazy man and he will stay that way if the people around him allow it.

I think she should get him up when she gets up. Have him get ready for school and she can drop him off at the school on her way to work. If he's not ready to go when she needs to leave, then he just has to go unprepared. If he is there an hour early, so be it. She should call the school and see if anyone is there as early as she would drop him off so he can be supervised. If no one is available, and he decides to walk back home, that's on him. She's done all she can at that point. I'm a big advocate of kicking adult children out if they are being a burden. "If you don't want to follow the rules then go live somewhere else" kind of thing. But maybe that's too harsh for her.

I briefly read some of the other posts and I agree with the posts that say "wake him up and make him leave the house when she is ready to leave for work".

Also if he wants to act like a child treat him like one. He still lives in HER house so he should go by her rules. If he can't get up in the morning to be at school on time, then his curfew needs to be 10 o'clock in the house and lights out by 11. I am serious when I say this. I don't care if he is 19.